Coaching for Leaders

Lesson 3: How to Engage People Before You

Avoid these first steps when engaging a person before you:

Using the word “mentor”

Setting up a coffee, informational interview, or meeting to “pick their brain”

Making an immediate ask

Rather, start here:

Study the person’s work

Reach out to tell them something you really like and what you plan to do

Once you have a result, let them know what worked — and what didn’t

Don’t except them to do work or to respond

The goal isn’t to GET a mentor. The goal is to benefit FROM mentoring.

Three more hacks with influential people:

Help them out with something they are working on right now

Consider following virtual mentors to supplement your learning

Always be ready for the, “What can I do for you?” question.

Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view. -Dale Carnegie

Academy Applications Close Friday, March 13th

The Academy is a year-long cohort of participant leaders who work personally with me to create movement in their leadership development and organizational results. Discover more and submit your application by Friday, March 13th.

Resources

How to Win Friends and Influence People* by Dale Carnegie

Related Episodes

Get ROI From Professional Associations, with John Corcoran (episode 209)

How to Grow Your Professional Network, with Tom Henschel (episode 279)

The Power of Weak Connections, with David Burkus (episode 347)

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Lesson 2: Three Kinds of People to Find in Mentoring

Move beyond traditional mentoring programs by engaging these three kinds of people:

Those before you

Those behind you

Those beside you

Resist the temptation to define these three categories by age or position. Rather, look to their past successes with the skill or behavior.

Academy Applications Close Friday, March 13th

The Academy is a year-long cohort of participant leaders who work personally with me to create movement in their leadership development and organizational results. Discover more and submit your application by Friday, March 13th.

Related Episodes

Seven Principles for Leading People Older Than You, with Bonni Stachowiak (episode 59)

How to Know What You Don’t Know, with Art Markman (episode 437)

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Lesson 1: Get Beyond Mentoring Programs

In their Harvard Business Review article, Brad Johnson and David Smith highlight challenges with formal mentoring programs. They’ve observed some of the same challenges I’ve seen, including:

The challenge of spontaneous meetings.

Adherence to a traditional hierarchy.

The occasional participation of less than willing mentors.

Past guest Dorie Clark writes:

Your career needs many mentors, not just one.

Past guest John Maxwell adds:

Everyone needs more than one mentor. No one does everything well, and no single person shares all of your strengths.

Past guest Rita McGrath reminds us that:

Snow melts from the edges. The most effective leaders can and will see this if they are present at the edges.

Academy Applications Close Friday, March 13th

The Academy is a year-long cohort of participant leaders who work personally with me to create movement in their leadership development and organizational results. Discover more and submit your application by Friday, March 13th.

Resources

Real Mentorship Starts with Company Culture, Not Formal Programs by Brad Johnson and David Smith

Your Career Needs Many Mentors, Not Just One by Dorie Clark

The Leader's Greatest Return: Attracting, Developing, and Multiplying Leaders by John Maxwell

Seeing Around Corners: How to Spot Inflection Points in Business Before They Happen by Rita McGrath

Related Episodes

How to Start Seeing Around Corners, with Rita McGrath (episode 430)

How to Motivate Leaders, with John Maxwell (episode 452)

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Join Michael Bungay Stanier, Dave Stachowiak, and members of the Coaching for Leaders Academy as we ask questions LIVE of Michael Bungay Stanier, author of bestselling book The Coaching Habit and his newest, just released book The Advice Trap.

Simply purchase a copy of The Advice Trap* and then visit coachingforleaders.com/advicetrap to register for this Masterchat on April 7th at 4pm New York / 1pm Los Angeles for one hour. You'll get viewer access live and be able to submit questions for us to have Michael consider.

Bonni Stachowiak: Teaching in Higher Ed

Bonni Stachowiak is the host of the Teaching in Higher Ed podcast, a professor of business and management at Vanguard University, and my life partner. Prior to her academic career, Bonni was a human resources consultant and executive officer for a publicly traded company. She is the author of The Productive Online and Offline Professor: A Practical Guide*.

Listener Questions

Chris asked for ideas on changing behavior after hearing that his questions/challenges were being perceived as aggressive.

Steve wanted to know if there are times when you shouldn’t lead.

Colin asked for advice on supporting a colleague who is looking into leadership certificate programs.

Jill wondered how I select guests for the show.

Related Episodes

How to Get Way Better at Accepting Feedback, with Sheila Heen (episode 143)

How to Succeed with Leadership and Management, with John Kotter (episode 249)

The Choice for Compassion, with Edith Eger (episode 336)

Leadership vs. Management (The Look & Sound of Leadership)

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Susan Rice: Tough Love

Susan Rice served as the United States ambassador to the United Nations during President Barack Obama’s first term in office. She was later appointed by President Obama as National Security Advisor, a position she held until the end of his presidency.

Today she is the Distinguished Visiting Research Fellow at the School of International Service at American University, a Non-Resident Senior Fellow at the Belfer Center for Science and International Affairs at Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government, and a contributing opinion writer for The New York Times.

She is the author the New York Times bestseller Tough Love: My Story of Things Worth Fighting For*. In this conversation, Susan and I discuss how her upbringing shaped her skills at mediation, the course corrections she navigated in her career to get better, and how she ensured all perspectives were heard inside President Obama’s National Security Council meetings.

Key Points

Susan’s early experience mediating the arguments between her parents helped her develop resilience that would be useful later.

It’s helpful to separate the behavior from the person. Address inappropriate behavior, and keep it in context with the larger relationship.

“You can get a long way leading a team, even if many members of the team don’t actually agree with the direction you’re steering towards, if they feel that their advice, perspective, recommendations have truly been heard and appreciated.”

When facilitating a critical meeting, ensure the principal attendees receive reading points and preparation well in advance.

Humor, an iron fist, or a velvet glove are all useful tools at the right times. Experience helps you determine what’s best in the moment.

Wisdom from Susan’s dad: “You can’t let other people define you, for you.”

Resources Mentioned

Tough Love: My Story of Things Worth Fighting For* by Susan Rice

Book Notes

Download my highlights from Tough Love in PDF format (free membership required).

Related Episodes

How to Manage Abrasive Leaders, with Sharone Bar-David (episode 290)

The Way to Have Conversations That Matter, with Celeste Headlee (episode 344)

How to Negotiate When Others Have Power, with Kwame Christian (episode 416)

Leadership in the Midst of Chaos, with Jim Mattis (episode 440)

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Colleen Bordeaux: Am I Doing This Right?

Colleen Bordeaux is a best-selling author, speaker and human capital consultant based in Chicago. She has been published everywhere from the Chicago Sun Times to the Huffington Post and has been endorsed by New York Times columnist and past guest Barry Schwartz and Sunday Times bestselling author Louise Parker.

Her popular blog has reached more than 200,000 readers and she leads a women’s mastermind group in Chicago. She is the author of the new book: Am I Doing This Right?: A Philosophical Guide to Life in the Age of Overwhelm*.

In this conversation, Colleen and I discuss the power of relationships — and some of the key principles for cultivating the very best relationships to support you, both professionally and personally.

Key Points

You are the same today that you are going to be in five years except for two things: the people with whom you associate, and the books you read. -Charles Jones

To be nobody but yourself in a world which does its best, day and night, to make you everyone else, is to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight and never stop fighting. -e.e. cummings

Six steps to improving the relationships you cultivate:

Assess your own crab-status.

Take stock of who you’re spending time with.

Consider who you’re not spending time with, but want to be spending time with.

Evaluate these relationships based on what you need in your life.

Eliminate or manage the relationships that aren’t working to create more space for the ones you need.

Create a relationship mantra (Colleen’s is below):

My relationships are the best gift I’ve been given, and they are my biggest responsibility. The primary purpose of each of my relationships is to help each other become better versions of ourselves by sharing our authentic experiences, perspectives, and gifts. I will be open to new connections, because that is a source of growth in life—and I will seek and cultivate friendships that bring me to life, and distance myself from relationships that drain me and influence me to betray my values. I aspire to have the kind of quality relationships that inspire others in how they approach developing, growing, and cultivating this important area of their lives. -Colleen Bordeaux

Resources Mentioned

Am I Doing This Right?: A Philosophical Guide to Life in the Age of Overwhelm* by Colleen Bordeaux

Book Notes

Download my highlights from Am I Doing This Right? in PDF format (free membership required).

Related Episodes

How to Grow Your Professional Network, with Tom Henschel (episode 279)

The Way to Build Relationships at Conferences, with Robbie Samuels (episode 346)

Grow Beyond What is Safe, with John Corcoran (episode 362)

How to Create Meaningful Gatherings, with Priya Parker (episode 395)

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David Marquet: Leadership is Language

David Marquet is the former commander of the U.S.S. Santa Fe, a nuclear-powered attack submarine. Under David’s command, the ship had an impressive turnaround, achieving the highest retention and operational standings in the Navy.

David is the author of the bestseller Turn the Ship Around: A True Story of Turning Followers Into Leaders* and has just released his new book, Leadership is Language: The Hidden Power of What You Say and What You Don’t*.

In this conversation, David and I explore the seven sins of questioning. David shares the story of the ill-fated El Faro and how we can discover better information in leadership by making the shift from self-affirming to self-educating.

Key Points

A leading question comes from a place of thinking the person is wrong, or that you have the answer. I hear this a lot from people who think they have the right answer but don’t want to use say so, so they use the Socratic method as a “teaching moment.” It’s annoying and arrogant.

Self-affirming questions are often binary questions with a special motivation: to coerce agreement and make us feel good about the decision we have already made.

Seven Ways to Ask Better Questions:

Instead of question stacking, try one and done.

Instead of a teaching moment, try a learning moment.

Instead of a dirty question, try a clear question.

Instead of a binary question, start the question with “what” or “how.”

Instead of a “why” question, try “tell me more.”

Instead of a self-affirming question, try self-educating questions.

Instead of jumping to the future, start with the present, past, then future.

Resources Mentioned

Leadership is Language: The Hidden Power of What You Say and What You Don’t* by David Marquet

Turn the Ship Around: A True Story of Turning Followers Into Leaders* by David Marquet

David Marquet’s website

Related Episodes

Find Courage to Speak When It Matters Most, with Allan McDonald (episode 229)

These Coaching Questions Get Results, with Michael Bungay Stanier (episode 237)

The Path of Humble Leadership, with Edgar Schein and Peter Schein (episode 363)

How to Build Psychological Safety, with Amy Edmondson (episode 404)

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Activate your free membership for full access to the entire library of interviews since 2011, searchable by topic.

Bonni Stachowiak: Teaching in Higher Ed

Bonni Stachowiak is the host of the Teaching in Higher Ed podcast, a professor of business and management at Vanguard University, and my life partner. Prior to her academic career, Bonni was a human resources consultant and executive officer for a publicly traded company. She is the author of The Productive Online and Offline Professor: A Practical Guide*.

Key Points

Create margin by under-scheduling family and kid commitments. Our default setting is to have a limited about scheduled on weekends.

We collaborate on schedules by using shared iCloud calendars as a family. Acuity Scheduling* supports both of us professionally in automating scheduling to ensure conflicts are rare.

We both use systems to capture ideas and activities before we decide to move on them. The Drafts app helps both of us do this quickly. Bonni keeps a “someday/maybe” list and Dave keeps an “incubation” list.

We get the kids involved with household responsibilities, so everybody learns to contribute and share daily work.

Take time to put on your leadership hat to make decisions about what’s important. Then, you can manage from there.

Resources Mentioned

The Productive Online and Offline Professor: A Practical Guide* by Bonni Stachowiak

Full Focus Planner* from Michael Hyatt

Range: Why Generalists Triumph in a Specialized World* by David Epstein

Who Killed the Weekend? by Katrina Onstad

Kourosh Dini: Mind, Music, & Productivity

Streaks app

Related Episodes

Getting Things Done, with David Allen (episode 184)

How to Become the Person You Want to Be, with James Clear (episode 376)

Finding Joy Through Intentional Choices, with Bonni Stachowiak (episode 417)

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John Maxwell: The Leader’s Greatest Return

John Maxwell is a #1 New York Times bestselling author, coach, and speaker who has sold more than thirty-one million books in fifty languages. He has been identified as the #1 leader in business by the American Management Association and the most influential leadership expert in the world by Business Insider and Inc. magazine.

He is the founder of The John Maxwell Company, The John Maxwell Team, EQUIP, and the John Maxwell Leadership Foundation, organizations that have trained millions of leaders from every country of the world. He is the author of the new book The Leader’s Greatest Return: Attracting, Developing, and Multiplying Leaders*.

In this conversation, John and I discuss his work to develop leaders and the distinctions between motivating followers and motivating leaders. We also explore the seven key motivations of leaders that John has uncovered.

Key Points

Successful people have discovered what they are good at. Successful leaders discover what other people are good at.

“I didn’t have any sudden big hits early in my career. I wasn’t a home run hitter. My secret was to get up to bat every day and just try to get on base consistently.” -John Maxwell

“You can have everything in life you want if you’ll just help enough other people get what they want.” -Zig Ziglar

The Seven Motivations of Leaders:

Purpose: leaders want to do what they were created to do.

Autonomy: leaders want the freedom to control their lives.

Relationships: leaders want to do things with others.

Progress: leaders want to experience personal and professional growth.

Mastery: leaders want to excel at their work.

Recognition: leaders want others to appreciate their accomplishments.

Money: leaders want to be financially secure.

Resources Mentioned

The Leader’s Greatest Return: Attracting, Developing, and Multiplying Leaders* by John Maxwell

Book Notes

Download my highlights from The Leader’s Greatest Return in PDF format (free membership required).

Related Episodes

Ten Steps to Create a Recognition Program, with Michelle Smith (episode 80)

Start With Why, with Simon Sinek (episode 223)

The Scientific Secrets of Daily Scheduling, with Daniel Pink (episode 332)

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