This is about codependency and how it can make it hard to choose right. This is aimed at changing the goal you have in your search for love.

This is for anyone who has a habit of choosing bad relationships and therefore they feel like they cannot be happy. Maybe you have a pattern of super meh relationships and you don’t really know if you like the other person, or maybe you have a pattern of really legit terrible relationships where you are chosen by that other person and they adore you, but you find again and again they are a mess and your job is to clean them up and beg for tiny crumbs of getting your needs met.

A lot of the time when we grow up with dysfunction and chaos, we find that we are unable to judge the other people we meet because we don’t have a connection to our inner compass. And we are struggling to feel safe, so we constantly focus on the others around us. As we get older we are still in this state of reacting to everything around ourselves. And as a way to get relief from our anxiety, we help and soothe others. We build them up, fix them and make them our project. When someone sees beauty and greatness in us and we share a connection, the pain goes away and we fall deeply in love. But this is a love that depletes us – we are constantly trying to come back to that feeling of intoxication: the moment when we were seen, loved unconditionally, and the other person made all the pain go away. But instead, we find that we are still working and working for crumbs.

If this sounds like you – and perhaps you are aware of it, and sick of it, and thinking you cannot ever find love, know that that thinking is not helpful or functional.  And it’s not true. It’s just where you are right now, but that can change. You have to actively want to change that – to see the issue at the root and work on it from there.

This one’s for Aubrey.

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