All kids have angry reactions, and most parents can largely accept these when they can see the cause. But some kids seem to explode for no apparent reason. What's going on? And how can parents and caregivers respond? Such kids are often feeling a painful ambivalence about love and attachment, says parenting coach and educator Joseph Driessen. Parents of these kids need to upskill on how to help them heal, he tells Kathryn Ryan.

All kids have angry reactions, and most parents can largely accept these when they can see the cause.

But some kids seem to explode for no apparent reason. What's going on? And how can parents and caregivers respond?

Such kids are often feeling a painful ambivalence about love and attachment, says parenting coach and educator Joseph Driessen.

Parents of these kids need to upskill on how to help them heal, he tells Kathryn Ryan.

Listen to the interview

Related: An angry child needs you to be calm

Children often can't process difficult events by themselves and get stuck with troubling feelings, Driessen says.

They demonstrate this ambivalence that to love and be loved is a safe and positive thing in the form of a sudden outburst.

"The child says "I am not certain about being loved wholeheartedly without also experiencing pain 'cause that's what happened to me.

"I'm putting on the table those unprocessed feelings, those unprocessed memories because I've got no other way of . I just act them out."

For parents, the first and most important step when presented with a suddenly and inexplicably angry child is don't fight fire with fire.

Anger is extremely counterproductive and when a parent returns it to their child, they prove the child's fears about love were founded.

" you confirm to the child their feeling that love relationships are a mixture of nice and not nice."

To help a child feel more safe about love and attachment, parents need to be skilful, Driessen says.

It can seem counterintuitive to respond with kindness when a child spits the dummy at you but that's what you have to learn to do.

Step one - diffuse and calm the situation and stay positive.

You could say something like: "I know you got a bit angry at me but there's no reason for that. Just give me a big hug."

"The child says 'our relationship is kindness and pain'. You say 'our relationship is kindness and no pain'."

"Keep on repaying the child, for that anger and aggression, with unconditional love."

Step two - proactively prevent a similar episode by being even more kind to the child…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details