People with high conflict personalities have a pattern of high-conflict behavior that increases conflict rather than reducing or resolving it. This pattern usually happen over and over again in many different situations with many different people. 

The issue that seems in conflict at the time is not what is increasing the conflict. The “issue” is the high-conflict personality and how the person approaches problem-solving. The pattern of behavior includes a lot of:

• blaming others
• all-or-nothing thinking
• unmanaged emotions
• extreme behaviors

Bill Eddy developed the high conflict personality theory and has been helping others understand the patterns of behavior and respond constructively. 

In this episode, Megan talks with Bill about how he arrived at the theory and how he developed it.

Links & Other Notes

• ARTICLES
  • Who Are High Conflict People?
  • HCP Is Not a Diagnosis

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

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Interactions and life with someone with a high conflict personality can be trying. Some will keep trying until they’re completely burned out while others give up quickly. 

How can you know when to stop trying? Is it when you find yourself in depression? Banging your head on the wall out of frustration? Over-reacting outside your norm? When you feel like giving up, giving in, or lashing out?

In this episode, Bill and Megan discuss the options that each individual can explore when encountering these types of interactions and relationships.

Links & Other Notes

• BOOKS
  • It’s All Your Fault
• COURSES
  • Who Are High Conflict People?
  • The Brain 101
• ARTICLES
  • Can High Conflict People Change?

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

You can also find these show notes at our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

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High conflict divorce and separation in the family courts consumes the majority of the courts’ time and resources and provides the most frustration and confusion. 

This is the second of a two-part episode with Dr. Amy J.L. Baker in our new High Conflict Divorce series, in which we interview leading experts from the high conflict divorce world – attorneys, counselors, custody evaluators, researchers, mediators and those within the courts themselves. 

In this episode Dr. Amy J.L. Baker, parental alienation expert and author of 9 books, including Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex; The High-Conflict Custody Battle; and Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome will talk with Bill and Megan about:

• Whether favored parents ever recognize that they’re doing it
• Parental alienation vs. parental estrangement 
• Recommendations for lawyers when a child resists or refuses contact
• Tips for what can be done in mild, moderate, severe cases
• Tips for lawyers and therapists
• Tips for parents and grandparents
• Programs that can help reconnect a child with a rejected parent

Links & Other Notes

WEBSITES

Dr. Baker’s Website
https://www.amyjlbaker.com/

New Ways for Families
https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/new-ways-for-families

Turning Points for Families
https://www.turningpointsforfamilies.com/

BOOKS

Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1608829588

Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0393705196

The High-Conflict Custody Battle
https://www.amazon.com/The-High-Conflict-Custody-Battle-Accusations/dp/1626250731

OTHER

Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

Submit a Question for Bill and Megan

Books: all of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold.

You can also find these show notes at our site.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

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High conflict divorce and separation in the family courts consumes the majority of the court’s time and resources and provides the most frustration and confusion. 

This is the first episode in our new High Conflict Divorce series in which we will interview leading experts from the high conflict divorce world — attorneys, counselors, custody evaluators, researchers, mediators, and those within the courts themselves. 

In this episode – the first of two – we talk with renowned parental alienation expert Dr. Amy J.L. Baker, the author of nine books including Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex, The High-Conflict Custody Battle, and Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome. Alienation is one of the most challenging, confusing, and terrifying events in one’s life. Bill and Megan talk with Dr. Baker about:

• Alienation defined
• Terminology: parental alienation or some other term
• Prevalence in divorce/separation
• Whether it is increasing or not
• Causes of alienation
• Research on adult children of parental alienation
• Whether adult children of parental alienation mostly connect or not with parents someday
• Recommendation to parents whose children have cut them off?

Links & Other Notes

WEBSITES

• Dr. Baker’s Website
• New Ways for Families

BOOKS

• Co-Parenting with a Toxic Ex
• Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome
• The High-Conflict Custody Battle

OTHER

• Our website
• Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
• All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold.
• You can also find these show notes on our site as well.

Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

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REBROADCAST

Domestic Violence

Megan and Bill are joined by the Honorable Karen Adam and Annette Burns to discuss domestic violence. This is part one of this conversation.

Links & Other Notes

THE VIDEO THAT WAS DISCUSSED IN THE EPISODE

• Conversations About Domestic Violence in Family Law with 16 Experts
  BIOS
• Bios for Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., Honorable Karen Adam, and Annette Burns, J.D.
  DOMESTIC VIOLENCE EXPERTS INTERVIEWED IN THE VIDEO
• Abi Ajibolade, Executive Director, The Redwood, Toronto, Ontario
• Amy G. Applegate, JD, Clinical Professor of Law, Maurer School of Law, Indiana University, Bloomington, Indiana
• Linda Bortell, PsyD, Clinical Psychologist, Bortell Psychological, Inc., Los Angeles, California
• Melissa Brickhouse-Thomas, LCSW, Manager, Victim Services, Glendale Police Dept., Glendale, Arizona
• Gabrielle Davis, JD, Legal and Policy Advisor, Battered Women’s Justice Project, Minneapolis, Minnesota
• Loretta M. Frederick, JD, Senior Legal & Policy Director, Battered Women’s Justice Project, Minneapolis, Minnesota
• Anna Harper-Guerrero, LMSW, Executive Vice President & Chief Strategy Officer, Emerge! Center Against Domestic Abuse, Tucson, Arizona
• Amy Holtzworth-Munroe, PhD, Professor of Psychology, Dept. of Psychological & Brain Science, Indiana University, Bloomington, Indiana
• Hilary A. Linton, JD, LLM, Mediator, President, Family Mediation Services (mediate393) Toronto, Ontario
• Jan Maiden, JD, Family Law/Domestic Violence Attorney, Law Office of Jan Maiden, San Diego, California
• Wendy Million, City Magistrate, Tucson City Court Domestic Violence Court, Tucson, Arizona
• Charles A. Sawchenko, MSW, Police Lieutenant (Ret), Delaware State Police, Dover, Delaware
• William Spiller, Jr., JD, Family Lawyer and Minor’s Counsel, Law Offices of William Spiller, Jr., Los Angeles, California
• Nancy Ver Steegh, MSW, JD, Professor of Law, Mitchell Hamline School of Law, St. Paul, Minnesota
• Neil Websdale, PhD, Director, Family Violence Center, Arizona State University, Tempe, Arizona
• David Wexler, PhD, Director, Relationship Training Institute, San Diego, California
  Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
  All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
  You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well.
  Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

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REBROADCAST

In today’s episode, we talk about how to tackle hostile communications with BIFF Responses.

What is a hostile communication? It usually contains blame and personal attacks. You read it. Your heart rate doubles. You either want to blast back or instantly delete. Mostly, you never want to hear from that person again. It was far less common pre-electronic communication. Now it’s a matter of daily life, especially on social media or even more so when the communication is coming from someone with a high conflict personality.
The challenge with dealing with HCPs, or people with High Conflict Personalities, is that they wage war wherever they can, including on your screen. The problem is that most people respond right away. Why? Because they think they need to defend themselves. We talk about why people do that; why the HCP sends it in the first place; whether or not you need to respond; and if you do, how to do it differently using a BIFF Response.

Do you need to respond?

Much of hostile e-communication does not need a response. Letters from (ex-) spouses, angry neighbors, irritating co-workers, or attorneys do not usually have legal significance. The letter itself has no power, unless you give it power. Often, it is emotional venting aimed at relieving the writer’s anxiety. If you respond with similar emotions and hostility, you will simply escalate things without satisfaction, and just get a new piece of hostile mail back. In most cases, you are better off not responding.

If you do have to respond, use a BIFF Response.

Some letters and emails develop power when copies are filed in a court or complaint process – or simply get sent to other people. In these cases, it may be important to respond to inaccurate statements with accurate statements of fact. The best way to handle hostile communications from an HCP is with a BIFF Response. BIFF reminds you to be Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm, assuming you need to respond.
We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the Submit a Question button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at [email protected] or send us a note on any of our socials.
Please rate, review and share this show!

Links & Other Notes

• Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
• Article on using BIFF Response®
• Online course for lawyers on BIFF Response®
• Online course for anyone on using BIFF Response®
• Info on BIFF Certification
• BIFF Books
  • BIFF for Anyone
  • BIFF for Co-Parents
  • BIFF for the Workplace
• All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
  You can also find these show notes at highconflictinstitute.com/podcast as well.

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REBROADCAST

The challenge of being emotional creatures

Did you know that emotions are contagious? We like to think we are in complete control of our emotions, but lots of research shows that emotions are contagious and it’s how we handle our own emotions once we’re emotionally hooked.
In this episode we’ll break down emotion contagion. If you’re a brain nerd like us, or you simply want to have a better understanding of human behavior and the impact of unmanaged emotions on others, you’ll enjoy this episode. Specifically, we’ll discuss:

• Can you get emotionally “hooked?” and “unhooked?”
• How exactly are emotions contagious? How does that work in our brains?
• Can emotions lead us to make bad decisions?
• How do High Conflict People deal with emotions?
• How do High Conflict People communicate differently using their emotions?
• Are emotions part of why we have such angry polarization today in families and in politics?
• What can we do to calm down emotions

Links & Other Notes

• BOOKS
• BIFF for everyone
• BIFF for Coparent Communication
• BIFF for Workplace
• Calming Upset People with EAR
  ON DEMAND COURSE
• The Brain 101: For Lawyers & Anyone
• Who Are High Conflict People?
  ARTICLES
• Managing Emotions
• Keep the Conflict Small! (With Managed Emotions)
  Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
  All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
  Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

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REBROADCAST

Family members (and friends) of someone who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (or BPD) are typically mystified about how to interact with them, walk on eggshells around them, and generally feel overwhelmed and defeated because they don’t know what to do.
In this episode, Bill and Megan continue their discussion with BPD expert Amanda Smith, LCSW, founder of HopeforBPD.com. Amanda is a highly skilled BPD and Dialectical Behavior Therapy expert, having helped countless clients through their recovery. She’s helped family members learn the necessary skills for helping their loved one best while also taking care of themselves. Amanda also provides treatment consultation. She is the author of two books:

• The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness Planner
• The Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner for Families
  In this episode – part 2 of 2 – Amanda gives hope and help to family members and friends of those with BPD. She discusses what to do and what to avoid. She will explain whether BPD is a hopeless situation with no resolution or whether something can be done to intervene – including whether an “intervention” can work.

Links & Other Notes

• HopeforBPD
• The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Wellness Planner
• The Borderline Personality Disorder Wellness Planner
  Our website: https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/
  Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
  All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.
  Note: We are not diagnosing anyone in our discussions, merely discussing patterns of behavior.

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REBROADCAST

When an HCP is a Narcissist...

Do you know someone whose moods swing wildly? Do they act unreasonably suspicious or antagonistic? Do they blame others for their own problems? When a high conflict person (HCP) has one of five common personality disorders – borderline, narcissistic, paranoid, antisocial, or histrionic – they can lash out in risky extremes of emotion and aggression. And once an HCP decides to target you, they’re hard to shake.
Most everyone has been around a narcissist, but not everyone understands how to handle a narcissistic HCP. Bill and Megan do a deep dive into this personality type, exploring:

• Their fear-based need to be superior and makes others feel inferior
• The differences between vulnerable, narcissistic and malignant types
• Why they see themselves as a hero and protector while those around them experience them as bullies
• How to spot them
• Statistics on Narcissistic Personality Disorder and narcissistic HCPs in the U.S

Understanding and dealing with Narcissistic HCPs come in layers, and understanding the why they behave that way is the first step.

• If you’ve been the Target of Blame for a narcissistic HCP, you know the devastating impact it can have. It’s easy to get emotionally hooked by their aggressive behaviors and respond with aggression or avoidance, which emboldens them. Instead, learning the necessary skills –that don’t always feel natural – is the ticket to managing interactions with them. The first step is to understand their behavior patterns, starting now.

Send us your stories!

• We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the ‘Submit a Question’ button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at [email protected] or send us a note on any of our socials.
  Please rate, review and share this show!

Links & Other Notes

• Books:
• BIFF at Work
• 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life: Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict Personalities
• It’s All Your Fault: Managing Narcissists and Other High Conflict People
• All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books and some in audio format.
  Training:
• For attorneys: Dealing with Narcissistic Personalities: The Arrogant Players of Divorce
• The Narcissistic Family Member: Prickly and Superior
  Articles:
• Do Narcissists Make Good Leaders in Business?
• Narcissism and Incivility: Is There a Connection?
• Narcissist in Your Family? 4 Tips for Dealing with Them
  Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
  You can also find these show notes on our website as well.

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REBROADCAST

In today’s episode, we look at what makes up a high conflict person and talk about EAR Statements.

Blamers. Narcissists. Accusers. Ragers. These are all people who may fall into the category of High Conflict Personality. Most of us don’t act this way, but these people don’t often realize they’re acting this way and can’t control themselves. So should you engage? Or should you learn how to deal with them? If you guessed the latter, you’d be right.
Many people say these people are unpredictable, but Megan and Bill talk about how these people actually are very predictable... if you know what to look for. Several things can lead to people becoming HCPs. It could be genetic or could come from how they were raised. And because of this, HCPs can exist anywhere in the world. So how do you deal with them?
Well, the first step is learning to identify them. They will usually blame anyone but themselves, and they’ll never be able to connect the dots back to themselves. They rarely take responsibility for their own actions. But the feelings are so strongly in them that they can’t have their mind changed. Once you realize you’re dealing with an HCP, definitely don’t tell them they’re an HCP. It’s likely going to trigger them further.

If you’re in a situation with an HCP, try an EAR Statement.

Empathy. Attention Respect. These tools may seem opposite to how you’d normally deal with a person who is confronting you, but remember, you’re not an HCP. The HCP needs this so you can get out of the situation you’re in. It’s hard, but give it a try.
We’d love to hear your stories so we can talk through them on the show! Please visit our site and click the Submit a Question button at the top of the page. You can also send us an email at [email protected] or send us a note on any of our socials.
Please rate, review and share this show!

Links & Other Notes

• Submit a Question for Bill and Megan
• Article – ‘What is a High Conflict Individual’
• Article – ‘Calming Upset People Fast with an EAR Statement™’
• Online course for attorneys/judges – Understanding & Managing High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
• Online course for anyone – Calming Upset People with an EAR Statement
• Online Course: Who Are High Conflict People?
• Book: 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life
• Book: Calming Upset People with EAR
• All of our books can be found in our online store or anywhere books are sold, including as e-books.

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Learn more about our New Ways for Work Coaching sessions. Get started today!