On Attachment

In today’s Ask Steph episode, we’re exploring a common question: is it ever a good idea to be friends with an ex?

While staying connected can sometimes feel comforting after a breakup, it’s not always supportive of healing or moving forward.

In this episode, I share some key considerations to help you assess whether a friendship is a good idea, or whether it might be keeping you stuck in old patterns, attachment, or hope.

We discuss:

• Why the desire to stay friends after a breakup is so common
• When friendship with an ex can work—and when it’s likely to be harmfulSigns you might still be emotionally attached or holding onto hope
• The role of boundaries, space, and healing after a breakup
• How to assess whether a friendship is aligned with your long-term wellbeing

👉🏼 Register for my free breakup training here

In today’s episode, I’m unpacking why I don’t give the common advice for anxiously attached people to simply avoid avoidant partners.

While it might seem like a straightforward way to protect yourself from painful relationship dynamics, this approach is often overly simplistic — and can actually reinforce the very patterns you’re trying to move away from.

We explore the nuance that often gets lost in attachment conversations, including why not all avoidant individuals are the same, and how reducing people to labels can limit your capacity to form meaningful, healthy connections.

I also share a more grounded and empowering approach to dating — one that centres discernment, self-trust, and clarity around what you truly want and need in a relationship.

Explore my website + free resources here.

In this Ask Steph episode, I’m responding to a question I hear more often than you might expect. Someone has done a lot of work on their anxious attachment patterns, they feel more grounded and secure, and now they find themselves with very little interest in dating or relationships.

I talk about how this can sometimes be a natural pendulum swing. When you have spent a long time orienting around other people, trying to be chosen, accommodating, and overextending yourself, it makes sense that there would be a period of pulling back. For many people, that space allows for a real sense of peace, self-expression, and reconnection with who they are outside of a relationship.

At the same time, I explore how this experience can come from different places. For some, it reflects genuine contentment in their single life. For others, there may still be a protective element underneath it, particularly if being in a relationship has historically meant losing themselves.

This episode is about understanding what is actually driving that shift, so you can move forward in a way that is aligned with what you truly want, rather than simply reacting to your past patterns.

In this episode, I’m joined by therapist, bestselling author, and boundaries expert Nedra Glover Tawwab for a powerful conversation on what it really means to have healthy dependency in our relationships.

So many of us find ourselves swinging between two extremes — overgiving, people-pleasing, and losing ourselves in others… or shutting down, becoming hyper-independent, and struggling to let anyone in.

But what does the middle ground actually look like?

Together, we explore the spectrum between codependency and hyper-independence, and how both patterns — while protective — can ultimately leave us feeling disconnected and unfulfilled.

This conversation goes beyond romantic relationships. We talk about friendships, family, community, and the importance of having a diverse support system rather than expecting one person to meet all of our needs.

We also unpack:

• Why “healthy dependency” isn’t a weakness, but a fundamental human need
• How codependency and hyper-independence develop as adaptations
• The role of boundaries in creating sustainable, respectful relationships
• Why over-focusing on the why behind someone’s behaviour can keep us stuck
• How to stop over-functioning in relationships and recalibrate your energy
• The importance of having multiple sources of connection and support
• Why doing the “uncomfortable thing” is often the path to secure relationships

Nedra shares practical, grounded insights on how to move away from extremes and towards more balanced, flexible, and connected ways of relating.

If you’ve ever struggled with asking for help, felt resentful in relationships, or found yourself stuck in the same relational patterns, this episode will give you a clear and compassionate framework for doing things differently.

Connect with Nedra Glover Tawwab:

• Instagram
• Website
• Purchase her new book, The Balancing Act

In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question about the fine line between personal growth and the endless pursuit of self-improvement.

While healing, reflection, and growth are powerful tools, they can sometimes become another way we reinforce the belief that something about us is fundamentally wrong or needs fixing. When that happens, self-development can quietly turn into a hamster wheel driven by shame, perfectionism, or a sense of inadequacy.

In this episode, I explore how to recognise when the pursuit of growth is useful and worthwhile —and when it might actually be keeping you stuck.

I also share some reflections on why the deeper goal of healing work isn’t to endlessly optimise ourselves, but to become more grounded, peaceful, and at home within who we already are.

Links

stephanierigg.com

instagram.com/stephanie__rigg

Modern dating can be tough. Between apps, ghosting, and the uncertainty that often comes with meeting strangers outside our social circles, the whole process can be seriously activating — and all the more so for those with anxious attachment patterns.

In this episode, I share three key mindset shifts to help you approach dating from a place of self-worth rather than scarcity, pessimism, or the need to be chosen.

When you date from a grounded place, the focus shifts from seeking approval to assessing alignment—and that change alone can transform your experience of dating.

In this episode, I cover:

• Why modern dating can be particularly challenging for people with anxious attachment
• The importance of getting clear on your non-negotiables and deal breakers before you start dating
• Why tolerating situationships and ambiguous connections keeps you stuck
• The difference between scanning for red flags and looking for green flags
• How fear-based dating advice can increase anxiety and erode self-trust
• Why cultivating your own vitality and wellbeing changes the energy you bring to dating
• How shifting from “please choose me” to “are we aligned?” creates healthier connections
• Why it’s sometimes wise to take a break from dating apps if the process feels draining

Links

• Free resources on my website here
• Read my blog here
• Follow me on Instagram here

In today’s Ask Steph episode, I’m answering the listener question: If you were only going to focus on one thing to start healing anxious attachment, what would it be?

While there are many layers to this work, the single place I’d start is building self-worth outside of a relationship.

For many anxiously attached people, relationships become the primary place where we seek security, validation, and a sense of worth. But when our wellbeing is tied so tightly to another person, it can leave us feeling anxious, reactive, and out of control.

In this episode, I talk about why shifting your focus back onto yourself — your growth, your agency, and your sense of self — can be one of the most powerful first steps in healing anxious attachment.

Join the waitlist for the Healing Anxious Attachment Birthday Sale here: https://stephanierigg.com/haa-anniversary-sale-waitlist

If you've been putting in the work to heal your anxious attachment but still feel like you're treading water, this episode is for you. In today's episode, I'm sharing what I believe are the three core pillars of healing anxious attachment — and why the sequencing of that work matters just as much as the work itself.

Whether you're just starting out or have been on this journey for a while, having a clear roadmap can be genuinely grounding. Lack of effort is rarely the problem for anxiously attached people — it's about making sure that energy is directed where it will have the greatest impact.

In this episode, I cover:

• Why the mindset you bring to this work is the real foundation — and how approaching healing from a place of shame will undermine everything else
• Understanding your nervous system and building the capacity to self-regulate (hint: it's about much more than crisis management)
• Identifying and shifting the negative core beliefs and core wounds that shape your relationships — and why real self-worth is built through doing, not just affirmations
• Communication skills, boundary-setting, and voicing your needs — and why starting here without the previous two pillars often falls flat
• The common pitfall that keeps so many people stuck, and what to focus on instead

🎉 Join the waitlist for the Healing Anxious Attachment 4-Year Anniversary Sale

On March 16, I’ll be celebrating four years since I first launched Healing Anxious Attachment. To mark the occasion, I’m bringing the course back to its original launch price of US$222 for 24 hours only.

If you’re curious, add yourself to the waitlist below — the anniversary offer will only be available for 24 hours and only for those on the list.

Join the waitlist at stephanierigg.com/haa-anniversary-sale-waitlist

In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question I hear often: If I work on my anxious attachment, but my partner doesn’t work on their avoidant patterns, can the relationship still work?

I unpack why focusing on your side of the street is never a waste of time — even when your partner isn’t meeting you there yet. We talk about how healing anxious attachment isn’t about fixing the relationship or managing your partner’s behaviour, but about building self-regulation, self-trust, and clarity.

I also explore the two most common outcomes of doing this work: either your internal shifts create healthier dynamics and positive ripple effects in the relationship, or you reach a grounded place of clarity about what you need and whether this relationship can meet you there. Either way, you don’t lose — you gain resources, confidence, and choice.

This episode is for anyone who feels stuck waiting for their partner to change and is wondering whether it’s worth continuing to do the work alone.

In this episode, we explore one of the most painful dynamics after a breakup: watching your ex seem “fine” while you feel completely unravelled — and the stories that comparison creates. We unpack why anxious and avoidant attachment patterns tend to process breakups so differently, and why those differences don’t mean what you think they mean.

We look at how anxious attachment often shows up as hyperactivation — intense grief, rumination, urgency, and the need to understand what happened — and how avoidant attachment tends to deactivate under stress, sometimes resulting in relief, distraction, or moving on quickly. We also talk about the timing mismatch that can occur, where one person feels everything immediately and the other processes more slowly (or more superficially).

The core takeaway: different coping strategies are not a measure of love, worth, or who cared more. And comparing your internal experience to their outward presentation will only keep you stuck.

In this episode, we cover:

• Why comparison after a breakup fuels suffering for anxious attachers
• How hyperactivation and deactivation shape the breakup experience
• Why relief doesn’t mean they didn’t care
• The common “timing mismatch” in anxious–avoidant breakups
• How to shift your focus back to yourself instead of analysing them

If you’re going through a breakup, you can register for my free breakup training here.