In this week’s episode, Rob and Tami talk about the 12-step program, ambivalent love and how partners can support addicts through their own roller coaster of emotions during betrayal. Rob and Tami reiterate that only you can take care of yourself and get to control how you feel in any situation.

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:25] My boyfriend sexualizes strangers on Tinder. Is this behaviour healthy or normal?

[1:10] Dr. Rob explains that not all people see the underlying issue and justify their behaviours.

[4:10] What’s the best way for an SA and PA to learn rigorous honesty and how long does it take to get there?

[05:11] Dr. Rob and Tami talk about the 12-step program and how it helps you become a better person.

[09:18] SA’s husband is still in denial. How can they help him get past this?

[14:00] Only you can take care of yourself. Dr. Rob and Tami expound on this further.

[16:15] Dr. Rob shares more advice on how to deal with the roller coaster of emotions for betrayed partners of sex and porn addicts.

[21:05] I’m a female sex addict since I was five years old. I’m in recovery but have had 16 relapses. Do you have some tips for me?

[25:50] I do not trust my husband to not lie to me. How can I better recover more and get to a point of trusting again?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

12-Step Videos

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami walk you through the steps you need to take to have healthy boundaries as a sex or love addict that’s going through the dating process. They also explain what intimacy looks like, and how you know you’re picking an open and healthy partner for you as you go through sober dating. Dr. Rob also shares when it’s a good idea to reveal to your new partner that you’re an addict in this week’s episode. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:35] 22 months into recovery, what should I expect as a partner? 

[4:50] As a betrayed partner, what’s the connection between relationships and sex addiction? 

[9:00] I am starting to date sober and have healthy boundaries. When is it a good time to have sex in a relationship? 

[14:40] Dr. Rob shares what healthy sex looks like as a sex addict. 

[17:50] How do you know if you’re dating the right person? 

[20:50] Should I fully disclose to a new partner that I’m an addict? 

[22:50] I’ve contradicted 3 STDs from my partner. Why wouldn’t he wear protection to cover up his infidelity? 

[25:00] When we’re activating acting out our addictions, we’re not thinking about safety. 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how to find intimacy again after being married to your partner for more than 30 years. They also share their thoughts on impatient programs and why an addict might come back worse than they were before. As a betrayed partner, there’s nothing wrong with loving someone who’s broken. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:35] I got an STI from my cheating husband. There’s been very little change in his behavior. Should I stay or should I go?

[6:05] You love someone that’s broken. There’s nothing wrong with you. 

[7:10] Is having a sex or love addict sponsor necessary for recovery or can any sponsor be good for me?

[10:40] My partner has returned from an  impatient program and has broken several of my boundaries already. I feel like he’s gotten worse. What should I do?

[12:50] Recovery is not about stopping your addiction, it’s about relearning a whole new way of living. 

[16:25] People’s lives can change if they want it! You get what you put into it. 

[19:45] I have been married for 33 years and have replaced my wife with porn. How do I reconnect again?

[26:00] Sexual sobriety means rediscovering your partner again, instead of trying to change them to fit your desires. 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from someone in recovery who can’t stop himself from relapsing. He has been to outpatient help, and he’s in the process of losing his job and family, yet he can’t seem to stop. How can he really get the help he needs if he keeps reverting back to ‘default’? Dr. Rob and Tami share their tough love and also answer questions on how to stay in integrity and truthfulness, and how to set healthy boundaries with yourself. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:25] How do I be more honest? I’m so used to being anxious. 

[3:55] I just found out the disclosure was not complete. Where do I go from here?

[11:20] My SA says it’s too early to do a disclosure, and he still wants sex. What should I do? 

[18:50] If you’re not sure who your partner has been with, please please get an STD test. The both of you!

[20:25] Why do I keep relapsing? I keep playing the victim very well. 

[24:20] Despite messing up your life in several ways, there is a way out.

[26:45] I have a problem. Where do I go from here? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about victim shaming when an SA spouse has been acting out, what to do, and they also dive into what a good formal disclosure looks like. It’s highly important that you find a good therapist that can walk you through this process, and also understand what’s ethical and not ethical to ask on a polygraph test. They also offer advice on how to find a good sponsor, and so much more! 

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:40] My CSAT recommends I do inpatient care. What should I be prepared for? 

[4:55] When you go through treatment, you want to let go of all your secrets. 

[6:10] My husband told a family member about his addiction, and now I am getting victim shamed. What do I do?

[11:25] My SA husband wants to be intimate with me in a completely new and lustful way than before. Is this normal? 

[15:05] I am about to go through formal disclosure, what should I be aware of? 

[19:10] We both disagree on what our boundaries are. What do we do? 

[21:45] What’s the best way to go through recovery to increase your chances of success? 

[25;40] When is enough enough? He hasn’t been working the program and I’m fed up. 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer your questions on this week’s episode. What do you do when your partner’s CSAT doesn’t feel like you’re ready to receive a formal disclosure? How do you handle your husband’s addiction + his cross dressing tendencies? All of this and more on this week’s episode. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:00] How likely is reconciliation with my partner? I heard it’s only 25%?

[5:20] Who are you in recovery for? You or for your partner? 

[7:00] What consistent behaviors can I do to prove to my spouse I am serious about my recovery? 

[9:55] D-day was five months ago. We are going to go on vacation. How can I make my wife feel safe? 

[14:10] My spouse’s CSAT won’t allow us to go through disclosure until I’ve addressed my addiction. I have my own CSAT as well. How do we move forward? Also, I’m getting triggered by my friends. How do I fix that? 

[18:55] 45 years of being together and I found out my husband is an addict and a cross dresser. I am struggling with all of this. What can I do? 

[25:25] When and how do fetishes form? 

[28:10] Tami explains what the FANOS acronym is. 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about why affair partners don’t ever feel the same as ‘normal’ and ‘stable’ partners. You’re living in a fantasy world with your affair partner, and it can only end badly because you’re simply not living in the present. Dr. Rob and Tami also talk about the reason why addicts chase a high; they’re constantly chasing the illusion of fun and the price they pay is often in shame and guilt, which then continues their cycle. Find out more in this week’s episode.

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:30] I found out my husband has been acting out for 40 years. What do I even do now?

[7:00] My husband is bi-polar. Is he a sex addict or is it because he has this condition?

[11:00] I recently ended an affair and I’m struggling to reconnect with my spouse again. Do I even want to be with this person?

[15:20] Dr. Rob asks a personal question. His husband just gave him some water in a sippy cup. What does this mean?

[19:15] My husband seems to be compartmentalizing his recovery. Is he taking this seriously?

[22:55] If sex addicts are looking for pleasure to avoid intimacy, then how is it not about sex?

[26:55] As an addict, you’re always chasing the illusion of what it could be.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about what happens after someone has been molested as a child, and some of the traumatizing effects it can have on a person in older life. They also talk about why addicts are constantly running away from home while simultaneously trying to create/seek one.

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:20] If a child has been molested, will they always end up with sex issues?

[3:20] People who are molested often are not in environments where they can talk about it.

[3:40] Sex offenders don’t harm healthy children.

[4:40] As a sex addict, do I have the right to ask for more support from my partner?

[8:40] As a betrayed partner, I’m struggling with trust and intimacy. How do I trust him?

[11:50] It takes time to regain trust again after being betrayed.

[15:15] My ex-husband and current partner are both sex addicts. I found porn on my daughter’s computer. How do I talk to her about the dangers of these things?

[20:00] My partner has ED, would that be fixed in recovery?

[23:00] My SA has been sober for 9 months. Do sex addicts ever get enough sex?

[25:55] What can hold an addict back? My addict slips/relapses every 3-4 months. He just can’t seem to stay sober.

[30:15] Healthy people create healthy homes. Addicts try to create stability from their chaotic past, and then run away from it. Addicts run away from home.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about whether it’s true that all addicts eventually relapse, they also talk about the difference between a slip and a relapse, and why relapses tend to happen in addiction. People in recovery can find joy and fun again when they’re living a sober life. It’s a myth that you’ll ‘become boring’ the moment you get sober. All this and more on today’s episode! 

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:30] Does my SA really love me? Is there such a thing as restitution/amends? 

[6:45] I’ve been in recovery since early April. I am trying my best to not relapse. Is it true that all addicts will relapse? 

[9:10] What’s the difference between a ‘slip’ and a relapse? 

[11:05] People in sobriety think life is just not going to be fun. That’s just not true. 

[13:15] I need a therapist, who do you recommend? 

[13:40] Are addicts usually void of emotions and empathy? 

[17:10] Is the intimacy with a sex addict real or is it the same ‘feeling’ as when they’re with a prostitute? 

[19:50] Is there a difference between limerence and love addiction? 

[25:00] Can addiction be ‘functional’ or does it eventually manifest to a point where it gets out of control? 

[27:25] We are adaptable and we can live endlessly with a lot of misery. However, that’s not what life’s about. 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami go a little bit deeper on why addicts seek intensity over meaning. They also offer insight into why a man goes from one night stand to one night stand and then ‘suddenly’ decides to give it all up for an 18 month long affair. Dr. Rob and Tami also understand the frustration betrayed partners have when it comes to their addict’s journey, and answers a question from a listener on how he can better support his betrayed partner. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:30] My addict doesn’t want to have sex. What’s going on? 

[3:50] Sex addiction is based on intensity. It’s based on the ‘new’. A wife of 10+ years is not new. 

[5:10] How could my SA partner go from one night stands to an 18 month affair? 

[10:05] She is constantly watching my every move to protect herself from further trauma. Is there anything I can do to help her? 

[12:50] How long does it take a recovering SA to feel comfortable with sex? 

[16:55] I’m in a crisis. I don’t think I can be the man she wants me to be. 

[22:25] You can't read one book and think everything is ‘fixed’. 

[26:30] My wife is burning out as she walks this recovery journey with me. How can I support her? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss