Rob and Tami answer questions on how betrayed spouses can best navigate their feelings of insecurity when they’ve found out their husband has an addiction. They also discuss the best ways to navigate a relapse from your husband and the resentment he might feel towards you. Rob and Tami also answer a question from a female sex addict on how to build intmiacy without the sex. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:30] What do addicts need to do to better empathize with their partners? 

[3:15] I’m a female sex addict and recently met someone. How do I respect my boundaries? I’m starting to unravel. 

[5:55] My wife wants to know about any of the ‘new memories’ I have. I have done a disclosure and my CSAT and sponsor tell me not to do it, but she keeps wanting to know more. 

[10:20] My husband has had multiple relasapes. I feel so much resentment from him. Is he resentful because he’s in a relapse or because he’s uncovering childhood trauma? 

[14:45] It’s critical to join a partner group! 

[15:50] What is recovery fatigue? And how do you keep going when you're mentally exhausted? 

[19:20] If you don’t make recovery fun. You’re not going to make it. 

[20:25] I’m a porn addict, but have been sober for 18 months. When will things get better with my wife? 

[22:20] My wife and therapist want a 3-day disclosure workshop. What should I do?

[23:50] “We’re just friends.” But we’re acting like we’re in a relationship. It feels strange and I don’t know how to navigate. 

[26:55] You might have to date 16-20 people in a year to figure out the right person for you. Don’t give up too soon! 

[28:10] I have a trauma bond with my husband. He has a mother enmeshment. Is he trauma bonded with her and not with me? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss

Rob and Tami have a discussion on how to best manage your triggers as you go through recovery. Focus on the things you can control. Focus on how you want to react to temptation, instead of being derailed. So much about life are things you can’t control, but you can choose to be a better person and make better, more intentional and more conscious decisions every single day! It does get better!

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:20] How do I handle my fears and my triggers?

[1:20] Trust the process. Keep finding accountability for yourself.

[6:00] What’s a good game plan for handling my triggers?

[7:15] How do I heal resentment?

[11:55] I’m 90 days sober. How can I develop true empathy for my spouse?

[15:55] Your spouse will not care that you are 90 days sober if you’ve been hurting her and cheating on her for the last 8 years.

[17:10] Should the addict be in recovery for himself or his family?

[20:40] My relationship recently ended. How do I redefine my sexual sobriety?

[25:15] Everyone has sexual thoughts. Addict or not.

[31:45] You know when you’re off because you’re unhappy and you’re stressed. You rely on the tools you build in recovery to keep you on the right track.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss

Rob and Tami dive into ADHD and its connection with trauma and addiction. Dr. Rob understands it can feel good to pinpoint something you were ‘born with’ to your addiction, but it’s rarely that easy. Rob and Tami also share resources for spouses whose addict has chosen their addiction over their family. Looking for help? There are support groups for partners of addicts to help you vent, feel heard, and know that you’re not alone.

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:35] I’m a love addict and separated from my husband. How do I stop obsessing over him?

[2:10] Dr. Rob, please share a success story. I’m losing hope my marriage won’t survive.

[5:35] Is ADHD a response to trauma?

[9:10] I’m a recovering SA. My wife wants sexual intimacy and I do too, but I’m afraid of triggering her. What can I do?

[12:45] My addict has chosen his addiction over our family. What resources are there for me?

[15:35] You deserve love. TRUE love.

[19:40] I met someone at an online recovery meeting and they approached me sexually. He disclosed everything to me within a few hours of meeting. Is this normal?

[24:15] I feel like my husband needs to address his trauma. Are my feelings correct?

[27:45] You’re not a bad person.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss

If the Buddha Dated by Charlotte Kasl

If the Buddha Married by Charlotte Kasl

Rob and Tami answer some questions from betrayed spouses. It’s important to remember that addicts have a tendency to lie to try and protect their addiction as much as possible. Is what your addict saying the truth or a fragment of the truth? Rob and Tami also answer questions on how to rebuild your family, and trust, when you’ve been discovered or recently undergone a relapse.

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:30] My SA husband doesn’t remember why he hired prostitutes. He doesn’t remember anything. Is that normal?

[3:40] Dr. Rob does do consultations. It’s not therapy, but it has helped people get a clear head.

[4:55] I’m a gay sex addict. I want to break the habit, how can I have more discipline?

[9:10] How can I set strong boundaries with my addict?

[10:50] My daughter found my nudes and because of this, I had to confess to my wife my relapse. What do I do now?

[16:25] Your family is in crisis. You need someone to help guide you.

[16:50] I’m afraid to connect with my addict again. How can we rebuild?

[20:55] My therapists recommend full disclosure, but I don’t want to hurt my wife further. I know what I did. Help!

[24:55] My husband relapsed and all I’m hearing is excuses. Is he just lying?

[29:10] What effect does porn have on the brain? 

[31:25] Need help? Reach out. Dr. Rob and Tami can refer you to someone. 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss

Rob and Tami explain in depth what a betrayed spouse is going through during the first year and a half after a reveal, and what a person in recovery can do about it. They also answer listener questions about porn addiction since the age of 10, and what to do when a CSAT therapist sides with the addict and not with the betrayed spouse.

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:25] My wife hates me. When will it stop?

[2:25] Dr. Rob explains why it’s important for betrayed spouses to find a place to vent outside of your home with the addict.

[4:25] He’s just not getting it! Will I ever get empathy from my addict?

[8:00] I have been a compulsive user of sexual fantasy since I was 10. I’m struggling. How do I become normal again?

[13:15] As a betrayed spouse, I’m seeing red flags with my husband’s current therapist. The therapist blames me!

[15:40] Not all therapists are good therapists. You do get a mixed bag and it can be a journey to find the right one.

[18:45] My addict broke my boundaries. What do I do?

[25:35] At Seeking Integrity, Dr. Rob and his team turn boys into men.

[27:35] Is there something wrong with me that I want to be intimate with my untrustworthy addict?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss

Rob and Tami share how you can rebuild trust and how to recover from intense trauma and abuse. They also answer how you can discover what your true emotional needs are and how to express them in a healthy way to a partner, and what to do if your addict threatens to leave you in this week’s episode!

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:25] How can I rebuild trust again? 

[2:25] First, create strong boundaries for yourself. 

[3:35] How can the betrayed spouse heal, especially when the addict chooses to not go into recovery? 

[5:00] Choose life. Choose your own life. 

[7:00] There’s nothing wrong with missing your addict, even if you’ve been separated for a long time. 

[7:15] My addict is reluctant to look at his childhood trauma and the root of his addiction. What do I do? 

[10:10] How do you treat narcissism? 

[11:15] As a single gay man in treatment, what should I focus on? 

[15:55] Does porn addiction change the way the addict sees a relationship? Why does the addict keep threatening divorce? 

[18:55] I’m a victim of incest and a sex addict, I’m struggling with expressing intimacy. How do I discover what my needs are? 

[21:35] My husband and I are operating on different pages. He relapsed six weeks ago and things haven’t improved. How do I set new boundaries? 

[26:20] I love anonymous sex with strangers. Is this just part of my sexual template? 

[30:10] Ask yourself: Is your current lifestyle making you happy? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss

Rob and Tami talk about codependency and why the term actually shames betrayed partners, not supports them. They also dive into some of the misconceptions people have about the partners of addicts. In this week’s episode, they share how you can find a therapist that understands you and what you’re going through, and not shames you. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:25] Is it a good sign my addict is apologizing or is this a manipulation tactic? 

[2:15] Dr. Rob, are you offering partner meetings? 

[3:50] Can codependency delay the addict’s recovery? 

[8:00] Your partner stays with you because they love you! Not because they love your addictions! 

[9:10] I can’t find a CSAT in my area. What should I do? 

[12:50] My therapist told me I am addicted to my sex addicted partner. Can betrayed spouses be addicts too? 

[17:35] What have been some of the biggest changes Dr. Rob sees from the people leaving his treatment center? 

[21:25] When addicts go through treatment and realize the damage they’ve caused, they become so afraid that their spouses will leave them. 

[24:45] I am struggling to understand addiction. Why do people do it? 

[29:30] Do addicts have moments of clarity? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss

Rob and Tami discuss how to best manage your addiction when the outside world is so tempting. It’s easy to fall into traps and feel like you ‘deserve it’, but your actions have consequences and they not only hurt the people you love, but they’re hurting you too. Find out in this week’s episode how to manage the outside world without feeling like you’re just taking on the whole world. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:25] I’m not sure about my CSAT therapist yet. What questions should I be asking her? 

[8:00] Have you ever been so deep in temptation where the only choice is for you to give in? 

[13:50] My wife found out about me two weeks ago. What do I do? 

[21:05] Saying I’m sorry and asking for forgiveness only makes it about you. 

[25:30] Support groups are not a pity party for betrayed spouses, they are a place to find strength and encouragement. 

[28:30] My brother has a laptop for work and I am having a hard time resisting to use it for my addiction. What do I do? 

RESOURCES: 

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss

Rob and Tami discuss what goes into the mind of an addict when they have a close bond or relationship with their partner, yet strays and look elsewhere to meet their sexual needs. They also discuss how a spouse can explore sex again after a betrayal, and so much more on this week’s episode! 

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:30] How can I get my sex addict to stop threatening divorce? 

[3:35] Why is my sex addict not interested in sex with me? 

[6:20] Addicts are afraid of intimacy, they don’t want to be vulnerable in that way.

[12:05] My addict is coming home in two weeks. How do I reintroduce sex into our relationship? 

[17:20] Discovered my husband’s sex addiction for younger women. Should I forgive him? 

[19:25] It’s normal for men to be attracted to younger women, but that doesn’t mean you act on it. 

[23:05] Can a partner of a sex addict contribute to their addiction? 

RESOURCES: 

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss

Rob and Tami get some really insightful questions this week. They answer everything from if it makes sense to get a pet to help with trauma and recovery, when enough is enough and it’s time to walk away, and how to be healthy adults and think about the future of your children and grandchildren.

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:30] Can an affair lead onto a more serious sex addiction?

[1:45] Is he an addict or just a jerk?

[4:25] I think my best friend is a sex addict. What do I do?

[6:30] My husband still talks to his best friend after lying that he doesn’t. Should I talk to his friend about this?

[7:35] My husband has an unwillingness to commit to recovery and I don’t know how to talk to him about it.

[9:15] My husband is an addict, how will it take for him to stop being a narcissist?

[12:25] I’m in a 12 step program, how do I have healthy sex that goes beyond abstinence?

[14:30] Would getting a pet help my wife heal?

[18:55] My husband relapsed after 8 years and blames me for putting him into recovery. What’s going on?

[24:55] My husband stopped seeing a therapist and now has relapsed. I feel so emotionally done. How do I trust him again?

RESOURCES: 

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss