Before I began my training as a therapist, I believed that insight was the royal road to mental health. The belief was that if folks just understood why they do the things that they do, they would be able to use that awareness to solve whatever difficulty they happened to be facing. However, my time at an outpatient substance abuse clinic disabused me of that belief. During that time, I worked with many alcoholics who were incredibly insightful into the nature of their addictions, but who remained addicts nonetheless. I'll speak more about this in this episode.

#insight #therapy #psychology

In our culture, we tend to have a very negative opinion associated with asking "what's in it for me?" in the context of our close and intimate relationships. It is perceived as selfish, or even mercenary. However, I'm here to argue that asking this question is actually the origin of free and equal relationships, provided both parties are at liberty to ask it. On the contrary, any relationship where one party is discouraged (or prevented) from asking the question is exploitative, by definition.

#relationship #equality #freedom

Today I'll be speaking of the myth of completion: what it is and where it comes from. I argue that belief in the idea of completion is something of a perceptual artifact, an unintended consequence of a certain point of view. From the perspective of an observer, things end; however, from the perspective of a creator, nothing ever ends. There is just the decision to move on. The repercussions for relationships are also discussed.

#relationship #breakup #complete

This talk will be a continuation of my previous episode "When are men and women most attractive?" So be sure to listen to that one first. In this episode, I'll be taking some of the results discussed in the peer-reviewed article "Aspirational pursuit of mates in online dating markets" (link below) one step further, namely: by advancing my own hypothesis on why people get married when they do. Given the data on perceived desirability across the lifespan, it makes sense from a game theory perspective that women would push for long-term commitment while the desirability gap still favors them. The data show that this gap switches preference around 30 years of age. Is it just a coincidence that the median age of women at first marriage in the US is 29 years-old?

"Aspirational pursuit of mates in online dating markets": https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/sciadv.aap9815

#marriage #dating #relationship

In this episode, I'll be unpacking some of the results of the peer-reviewed research described in the article, "Aspirational pursuit of mates in online dating markets" (link below). After analyzing the private, anonymous behavior of hundreds of thousands of heterosexual men and women on a popular dating app across four independent metropolitan areas, the researchers discovered a number of surprising (but consistent) findings. Today I'll be talking about one of them: desirability as a function of age. Apparently, women were most desirable to men at 18 years-old, and men were most desirable to women at 50 years-old. It turns out that men like younger women in large part because women like older men.

"Aspirational pursuit of mates in online dating markets": https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/sciadv.aap9815

#dating #attraction #relationship

A common complaint that I hear from women in the dating market is that men don't seem to know what to do with them. They don't take initiative; they don't confidently lead the relationship; they don't know where to "put their hands" (both figuratively and literally). Where have all the real men gone? After giving it some thought, I realized that these issues may have an unlikely culprit: the concept of respect. Respect might mean different things to men than it does to women, and these differences might be impacting the dating game in ways we haven't yet fully appreciated as a culture. In this episode, I will discuss three of these potential differences.

#respect #dating #relationship

Human beings are prone to all kinds of biases. However, there is one that is so prevalent across cultures that psychologists have given it a special name: the fundamental attribution error. Almost certainly, this error is active in your own mental processes, and to your detriment. In this episode, I will explain what the fundamental attribution error is (using concrete examples), as well as discuss what to do about it, if you're looking to make a change.

#bias #psychology #psychologyfacts

In this episode, I will discuss the principles of commitment and exclusivity. All exclusivity is committed, but not all commitment is exclusive. To explain the differences between these two concepts, I will use an economic model, which reveals the degree to which exclusivity of all kinds must (of necessity) be substantially more expensive than mere commitment. The consequences for romantic relationships are also duly discussed.

#exclusive #commitment #relationship

In this episode, I will discuss another important aspect of romantic love: solipsism. This is the belief that nothing exists outside of the self, or -- in the case of romantic love -- outside of the merged dyad. As I explained in a previous episode in the series, "Romance is for men," romance was invented by lower-status men for lower-status men as a means of competing with higher-status men for the most desirable women. As a result, one of the imperatives of the romantic lover is to lure the love object away from the competition of these higher-status men. Since he cannot rule in the real world, the romantic lover will create his own solipsistic universe where he can be king.

"Chasing cars:" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GemKqzILV4w

#romance #relationship #dating

This is another episode in my "Neglected kinds of love" series, in which I approach the concept of love from a spiritual perspective by examining the observed relationship between the Higher Power and the created universe. In this episode, I'll make the argument that space is an attribute of love, a kind of loving. Though we build structure, we use emptiness. And this emptiness is the container within which life and prosperity are possible -- so it must be aligned with love, the force that nurtures both.

#love #spirituality #space