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One of the biggest turn offs for people considering a 12 step group or even those already in, is the topic of God, religion and spirituality.  But what exactly is spirituality and why does it go hand in hand with self knowledge of alcoholism?

Both Matt and Steve have some challenges with the view of the religious higher power.  This topic was brought up by a friend in the rooms, who came into recovery as an atheist and now finds himself agnostic with a view that his higher power is not himself.

How does self knowledge work for you in recovery?  Do you need a higher power?  What does spirituality look like for you?  Where do you struggle and where do you have strength?

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What is the end goal of recovery?  Is it to die sober?

Our friend Scott L recently passed after a fight with lung cancer.  Scott died sober with 5 years of recovery.  It did not come easy for Scott but when he got it, he got it.

Steve and I talk about what dying sober means, is it the end goal and how recovery folks feel when we see an obit that says, "They died sober."

I know I want that to be in my obit.

What do you think?  Is passing with a sober life your goal?  Or is it still One Day at a Time?

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We are so fortunate to have Ash Butterss, host of the podcast, Behind the Smile.  

 Ash has been sober since February 2020 and has a family history of alcoholism.  For Ash, recovering out loud is a core value.  She doesn’t want those in recovery living in the shadows, she wants those who are considering putting down the bottle to see that not only is recovery possible, but that your life will be so much better than you could ever imagine.  

 In this episode Ash talks about:

• How her father’s alcoholism and recovery impacted her own sobriety journey
• The time she stole her dealer’s coke
• How drinking changed everything, how consuming alcohol was the elixir that stopped her from hating on herself
• Never feeling safe as a child
• Developing perfectionism and people pleasing
• Abandonment issues with her parents

 Ash explains perfectionism in a way that was so relatable to me.  I know you will love this episode.

 Please follow Ash on Instagram at Ashbutterss

Check out the excellent Behind the Smile Podcast

Cantina Blues - Take the Lead by Kevin MacLeod is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 license. https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Source: http://incompetech.com/music/royalty-free/index.html?isrc=USUAN1100407

Artist: http://incompetech.com/

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We talk about loss and emotions in this week's episode of the Sober Friends Podcast.  Each week, my two girls go to a farm where they clean stables, wash and care for horses and then learn the different aspects of riding.

Their favorite horse was Holden, a 29 year old horse was very gentle and the logo for the farm.  My daughter Annelyse has significant anxiety and Holden made her feel safe.  Holden had Equine Cushing's Disease and early stages of dementia.  There is medicine for Cushing's, but Holden refused to take it.  The decision was made to put Holden to sleep.  We had a good-bye celebration last week, where everyone Holden touched came to share cupcakes, cake and a last spoiling of this special horse.  The next day, Holden crossed the rainbow.

This caused a well up in my emotions.  It especially started when Annelyse broke into tears asking why things she loved had to die.  For a parent, this is very difficult to experience.  It also reminded me of the emotions I felt when I first got sober.  How great sadness could overcome me without notice.

Steve and I also talked about the impact spirituality and God play.  Both of us have a challenging relationship with belief and are on our own spiritual journeys.  We talk about our personal beliefs in God, the afterlife and it's role in recovery.

Thank you for giving me an outlet for these emotions for this podcast and I hope you can connect with your own thoughts on difficult emotions and the vision of your own Higher Power.     

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It feels like we are weak when we ask for help but it's the opposite.  When you ask someone else for help, it's a sign of strength.  In sobriety, it's so important to have a network of people you can lean on.  

 That phone you have to call out on?  10,000 points and 8 foot buttons.

 We talk through on this podcast about how asking for help is so important in sobriety and how when you ask for help, you are making someone else feel better.

 How do you feel when you ask for help?  What does it feel like when someone else asks you for help?

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(Sigh)

 I'm feeling some work stress.  Things in the day job have changed dramtically.  We've been undergoing pretty significant change since COVID hit.  Reorgs, process changes, new product releases and so much more.  Our company values the ability to embrace change and pivot and it's a strength of mine.  There also comes a time when there is so much change to so much in such a short period of time that you reach capacity.

 That's where I am today.

 And it feels unfair.  I'm a high performer and my record shows it.  And I feel like my career is on the line for a number of reasons totally outside of my control.

 Wait, things outside of our control and that equallying stress?

 🚨🚨🚨RED ALERT!🚨🚨🚨

🚨🚨🚨RED ALERT!🚨🚨🚨

🚨🚨🚨RED ALERT!🚨🚨🚨

 This is the alcoholic's big fear.  It just justifies what's always in the the back of my head.

 All this success has been a mirage.  Back to the poor house again!

 This thinking is damaging and self destructive.  Thankfully, I have Steve to talk me down.  We hope you find this very helpful as I think every alcoholic can relate to the mindset that all will be lost.

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“Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.”

 This is one of the most important traditions guiding Alcoholics Anonymous.  So important, it's the other “A” in “AA.”  The idea of anonymity is that the member and fellowship is protected.  There has been stigma for decades with alcoholism, that it's not a medical condition, but a moral failing.  Anonymity gives the person looking for recovery the protection and comfort to get sober without accusation.  

 Everyone has seen the celebrity announcing their sobriety, only to be caught publiclly drunk.

 It can cause AA headaches.

 Looking online, there are more and more people who don't want to be anonymous.  They want to be out there and want to be a example that others thinking of dropping the bottle.

 Is the idea of anonymity past its time?  Or is this critical to a successful recovery journey.  It's a very controversial topic and we think you'll love this discussion.

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Those of us with alcohol use disorder can shift from one addiction to another.  We are very obsessive.

• Gardening
• Eating
• Sex
• Work

So many other things to ease our emotions.  It becomes a problem when it takes you away from your family, impacts finances and health.

Steven and Matt talk a bit of their experience with those addictions that pop up that replace the drink.

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I was not prepared for how my family would react to the work I had to do to stay sober.  Specifically, going to meetings.  Going to a lot of meetings.  At one point, my wife asked me, "When do you stop going to those meetings?"  How do I tell my wife I don't ever stop, just like I don't ever stop being an alcoholic.

Steve and I talk about our challenges with getting sober and how it affected the family.  It took about two years before my wife was really supportive of being out of the home.   Many of us have had this experience.

If you are new and are having these issue, we hope this episode gives you experience strength and hope.

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Matt and Steve have done a lot of learning about the construction of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous from reaching "Writing the Big Book," by Bill Schaberg.  In today's language, the chapter, "To Wives," is troublesome.  In the context of 1938, it reflected the times.

• Men were alcoholics
• Alcoholics were white, Christian men
• Women supported the man in the home

The chapter states it's "written," by the women of AA.  In reality, Bill Wilson wrote it himself.  In today's times, it can be viewed as sexist and submissive to the alcoholic in the family.

Steve and Matt talk about the chapter in today's society and the best way to digest it to make it relevant in modern times.

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📫 Get more honest conversations about sobriety delivered to your inbox! Subscribe to The Sober Friends Dispatch, our weekly newsletter where we go beyond the podcast to share real strategies for alcohol-free living. Join our community by clicking here.