The Adult Chair Podcast with Michelle Chalfant

When we think of trust in a relationship, most of us think of broken trust and big betrayals – things like infidelity, addiction and secrets.

But true trust is about the small actions that we take every day. Trust isn't something we have by default unless it's broken; it's something we have to build.

With every interaction, we're either building or whittling away trust – and sometimes the things that break trust are so subtle, we don't even know we're doing them!

In this episode, I'm giving you six ways to build trust so you can grow your relationship with your partner. These are small, simple actions, but they require awareness, intention and being in your Adult Chair to do consistently.

If you want a long-lasting, deeper connection with your partner, this episode is a must listen!

Listen to discover:

• What trust in a relationship is and why it's so important

• How trust deepens the bond in a committed relationship

• 6 steps to build trust today

• The importance of being true to your word

• How to own and apologize for mistakes and move forward

• How to show up with presence and prioritize your relationship

Without trust, we can't have healthy, connected relationships. Trust is an energetic bond that creates safety and allows us to open up, be vulnerable and grow together.

The good news is that it's not about perfection. All of us – including myself – don't get these right all the time.

What's important is what we do when we mess up.

Honesty, presence and the ability to own our mistakes are the ways we as imperfect humans create deep bonds with other imperfect humans and the key to getting the love you want – not the perfect fairy tale, but a beautiful journey of learning and growing together.

"Trust is one of the essential components to a healthy, committed relationship." - Michelle Chalfant

"If we're going to speak something and promise something to our partner, we want to make sure that we are able to line up behind what we're saying." - Michelle Chalfant

"If you are going to speak something into existence, you have to speak it with your full energy and with you behind it…Your actions need to match your words." - Michelle Chalfant

"Owning it does not mean that you're a bad person. You're a human person, and mistakes are gonna happen." - Michelle Chalfant

"If you want to build trust and you're in a committed relationship, apologizing is powerful. It helps to build a connection." - Michelle Chalfant

"When we have important people in our lives, we need to put the phone down, not look at the television, not get distracted by the dog or the cat or the animal in your house. We want to make sure that we're prioritizing our person and giving them our full attention." - Michelle Chalfant

"We need to give our person eye contact when we're listening. Because then they're going to feel seen and they're gonna feel heard, they feel important." - Michelle Chalfant

"You can't put the relationship on the back burner and your person on the back burner and expect [the relationship] to grow and flourish." - Michelle Chalfant

"If you've got friends that are...acting in a way that's disrespectful to your partner, it's your job to defend your partner." - Michelle Chalfant

"Even if the truth hurts, it's better than lying." - Michelle Chalfant

"It feels so good to know that your person has you and you've got them. That's that bond of trust. Trust is like this energetic bond that we form with our partner." - Michelle Chalfant

LINKS & RESOURCES

DOORS OPEN: "The Relationship Reset" Course

https://resources.michellechalfant.com/relationships/

MORE ADULT CHAIR

The Adult Chair® Website

https://theadultchair.com

The Adult Chair® Events

https://theadultchair.com/events/

The Adult Chair® Coaching Certification - Join the 2024 Waitlist!

https://theadultchair.com/certification

STAY CONNECTED

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themichellechalfant

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheMichelleChalfant/

The Adult Chair® Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/theadultchair/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/Michellechalfant

For millennia, cultures around the globe have known that there's more to us than meets the eye and that our family trees really are a map to ourselves — an energetic portrait of our lives.

Today, epigenetics has proven that what our ancestors experienced can imprint on our genes and impact our lives today in unexpected ways.

That depression, anxiety, stress or limiting belief? It might be from long ago.

And the field of psychology is finally catching up with this.

A new methodology I just discovered (and got the chance to try as a client) is called Family Constellation work.

In this method, we find unconscious experiences and beliefs that we're carrying from our ancestors — including those who we never knew — and work to transform them through awareness and compassion.

On the podcast this week, I talked with my Family Constellation practitioner, Emily Blefeld, about what Family Constellation work is, how our family history affects our lives today and how we can clear blocks and dismantle generational cycles by being bold and brave enough to look at what happened before we were even here.

It's not that different from what we do with parts work in The Adult Chair®, except instead of working with parts of ourselves we're working with parts of our family tree! It's SO freaking cool!

Listen to discover:

• How our family history impacts our present reality

• The way our ancestors' patterns create patterns for us today

• What Family Constellation work is and how it works

• How to heal trauma and clear blocks through Family Constellation work

• Using Family Constellation work for business, non-biological relatives and more

The cool thing about epigenetics is that it describes a tendency, not a fate. These experiences don't change our DNA; they change the way our genes express themselves.

That means we get a choice in how these generational traumas will manifest in our lives.

We don't have to agree with the beliefs and experiences of our ancestors. We can look them in the face and decide they stop with us.

And there's no transformation more powerful than that – for ourselves and generations to come.

"We are victim to our lineage." - Michelle Chalfant

"What's unconscious will continue to permeate our lives until it's made conscious." - Emily Blefeld

"We actually carry the victims and the perpetrators in our inherited lineage." - Emily Blefeld

"[Family Constellation work] is predominantly a therapy that looks at the system that we walk around with." - Emily Blefeld

"Constellation work is less interested in what is causing the symptom, and they're more interested in who is the symptom." - Emily Blefeld

"I like to think of it as a family soul on some level." - Emily Blefeld

"There's so much more to us than meets the eye." - Michelle Chalfant

"There are so many different ways to clear our blocks. There's so many different ways to relieve anxiety, depression, feeling not good enough, our inner fraud, all of those things." - Michelle Chalfant

"You'll feel the generations behind heal and the generations following." - Emily Blefeld

"What an awesome thing to hear as a parent, your child thanking you for doing your work. Because it can stop with you." - Emily Blefeld

LINKS & RESOURCES

Emily Blefeld Website

https://seeingwithyourheart.com/

FREE MASTERCLASS: How To Heal Your Relationship To Get the Love You Want

https://theadultchair.com/healing

MORE ADULT CHAIR

The Adult Chair® Website

https://theadultchair.com

The Adult Chair® Events

https://theadultchair.com/events/

The Adult Chair® Coaching Certification - Join the 2024 Waitlist!

https://theadultchair.com/certification

STAY CONNECTED

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themichellechalfant

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheMichelleChalfant/

The Adult Chair® Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/theadultchair/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/Michellechalfant

What if everything you do in your life is actually driven by one question – a question that is unconscious to you but acts as the command center for how you show up in the world?

That question is what Mike Foster calls your "primal question," and let me tell you, when I discovered mine, it was like my whole life made sense.

Mike developed The Seven Primal Questions system based on his research and work as a coach.

The idea is that we all have a question – like, "Am I safe?" or, "Am I loved?" – that we didn't get answered in childhood and that we continue to ask as adults.

When the answer to this question is "yes," we feel good and become our best selves.

When it's "no," we start scrambling. Our emotional reactions, compulsions, unhelpful behaviors and survival strategies (things like perfectionism and people pleasing) are all attempts to get this question answered in the way we want.

The cool thing? When we understand our primal question and the question of our loved ones, we can change everything about our relationships by healing our wounds, connecting to our gifts and intentionally answering each others' question with a "yes!"

I LOVE this system, and I'm thrilled to have Mike on this show giving us a crash course in it as he breaks down the seven questions, their corresponding "primal truths" and "primal gifts" and how these questions can show up in our lives in different ways.

Listen to discover:

• The Seven Primal Questions and what they mean for your life

• How to replace your primal question with a primal truth

• Why the flipside of your primal question is your superpower

• How you can stop letting your child self run your life and live from your healthy adult self

• How to apply your primal question in business and relationships

I have a feeling you'll have some lightbulb moments during this show. I also have a link below to help you find your primal question if you're having trouble figuring it out.

This tool is a GAME CHANGER for more consciously relating to ourselves and others, and I'm thrilled to share it with you! It gets down to the core of what makes us tick and shows us how to love ourselves and the people in our life better…and who doesn't want that?

"In our early childhood, we get imprinted with a primal question…The primal question just represents our highest...emotional need." - Mike Foster

"'Am I safe?' is really about survival…where security is really about, 'Am I resourced appropriately to be able to protect myself and sustain myself?'" - Mike Foster

"[That's] what children do, we perceive the world we're in and then we make conclusions about it." - Mike Foster

"The other side of the question is what I call your primal gift, and it's this superpower that every question has." - Mike Foster

"[During the first six years of life] we don't have discernment...we take it on as, 'It's my fault. I did something wrong.'" - Michelle Chalfant

"When we start attuning to our team members' primal question, we can really become a very effective leader with them." - Mike Foster

"What we need the most is what we want to give away to others." - Mike Foster

"Under every behavior is an emotional or feeling driving that behavior. But under every emotion and feeling is an unmet need driving that emotion or feeling." - Mike Foster

"A question being imprinted by trauma is just gonna carry a lot more weight to it than a question just imprinted through confusion." - Mike Foster

"I just see this as such an empowering tool that can help any relationship." - Michelle Chalfant

"I need to be really aware of how my question is showing up in my life." - Michelle Chalfant

LINKS & RESOURCES

Mike Foster Website

https://www.mikefoster.tv/

Seven Primal Questions Assessment

https://mikefostercoaching.outgrow.us/mikefostercoaching-2

"The Seven Primal Questions" (Mike Foster Book)

https://shop.mikefoster.tv/products/seven-primal-questions-book

Mike Foster Instagram

https://www.instagram.com/mikefoster2000/

FREE DOWNLOAD: 5 Healthy Relationship Myths

https://theadultchair.com/myths

Green Chef

https://www.greenchef.com/60adult

Use code 60ADULT for 60% off + free shipping

MORE ADULT CHAIR

The Adult Chair® Website

https://theadultchair.com

The Adult Chair® Events

https://theadultchair.com/events/

The Adult Chair® Coaching Certification - Join the 2024 Waitlist!

https://theadultchair.com/certification

STAY CONNECTED

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themichellechalfant

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheMichelleChalfant/

The Adult Chair® Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/theadultchair/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/Michellechalfant

Grief is a messy, complicated emotion, and very few of us know what to do with it.

We don't want to (or know how to) feel it, and when we're around others who are grieving, most of us freeze.

We feel uncomfortable, so we say nothing or say the wrong thing or stay away, all of which just adds to the pain.

That was me in my 20s and 30s. But when I lost my father, I could no longer avoid grief. He taught me how to grieve…and I found that grief, as painful as it was, connected me to the deeper parts of my soul and made me a more whole-hearted person.

In this episode, I was fortunate to connect with a new soul sister, Kris Carr, about her own journey with grief following the loss of her father.

She experienced a lot of loss — including 20 years of living with Stage 4 cancer — but like me, she had spent her life shoving grief down until her dad passed away.

As she walked with him from diagnosis until his death, she experienced heartbreaking moments, precious moments, joyful moments and spiritual moments that taught her more about being human and opened her up to life.

We talk about how grief can show up in many different ways (not just death), what happens in our bodies when we don't process it, how to support each other through this universal human experience and how to find joy even in a world where pain is part of our reality.

Listen to discover:

• Kris's story of learning to live with both grief and hope

• What to say and not say to someone who is grieving

• What happens when we don't process grief

• Healthy ways to process grief

• Taking a "joy inventory" of your life

This conversation is raw, real and beautiful — it's wisdom earned by being in the trenches, and I hope it helps you get a little more comfortable with the discomfort of grief.

There is no formula for grief. It's something we simply have to be there with.

And when we learn to be there with each other and hold space for it, it can become a sacred moment of deeper connection to ourselves and to each other.

"Grief is such a touchy topic, and sometimes it can be hard to even approach the idea of learning more about it." - Kris Carr

"In many ways, grief is a master healer." - Kris Carr

"I couldn't hold [grief] in any longer and expect to be whole." - Kris Carr

"We don't want to feel [grief]. We don't want to go into the negative emotion zone. If emotions are on that spectrum of love to fear, we don't want to go on that side of the spectrum at all. And grief is sitting right there glaring at all of us." - Michelle Chalfant

"None of us are going to get out this life scratch free and stain resistant." - Kris Carr

"I want to welcome all the parts of me and all the emotions to the table." - Kris Carr

"I don't think the [stages of grief] were ever intended to be linear." - Kris Carr

"There's nothing you can do to make my pain go away. So, it's not your responsibility to fix it. It's your responsibility to be present." - Kris Carr

"There's nothing anybody can say or do to make the grief go away...but showing up with presence is one the best things we can do...As a human being, to feel witnessed is such a healing experience for us." - Michelle Chalfant

"Not only are [our emotions] information, but they're energy. [Crying] is just letting that energy out." - Kris Carr

"While you have the chance to be alive, how can you live as fully as possible, even though you've experienced enormous heartache?" - Kris Carr

LINKS & RESOURCES

Kris Carr Website

https://kriscarr.com/

"I'm Not a Mourning Person" (Kris Carr Book)

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1401970060

FREE DOWNLOAD: 5 Healthy Relationship Myths

https://theadultchair.com/myths

MORE ADULT CHAIR

The Adult Chair® Website

https://theadultchair.com

The Adult Chair® Events

https://theadultchair.com/events/

The Adult Chair® Coaching Certification - Join the 2024 Waitlist!

https://theadultchair.com/certification

STAY CONNECTED

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themichellechalfant

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheMichelleChalfant/

The Adult Chair® Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/theadultchair/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/Michellechalfant

You're here today, doing the work, living from your Adult Chair, becoming who you want to become.

It feels really good. But as we live and grow and transform, it can sometimes bring up negative feelings about our past.

Whether we made mistakes, missed opportunities, were hurt by someone or experienced a life-altering loss, every one of us has something about our past we wish we could change.

Regret can cut deep – into our very souls – and bring a lot of pain, shame and blame with it.

But whenever we live in regret, it causes us to miss another opportunity: the chance to make the most of the moment we have right now.

In this show, I'm giving you three common reasons we get stuck in the past and six ways to make peace with your past and start living in the present moment.

You will gain a new perspective on your past and learn to reframe it so you can rewire your brain to live without regret.

Listen to discover:

• 3 reasons we get stuck in the past (and what to do about them)

• Why living in present reality is so much better than past reality

• How to reframe how you think about your past

• 6 ways to make peace with your past

Remember, today will soon become your past. Will you look back and wish you hadn't spent it stuck in regret? Or will you make the most of the moment and use the power you have right now to be who you want to be today?

The present moment is such a powerful reality to live in.

It's here that we find peace and joy. It's here that we have the ability to make this moment one we won't regret.

"The decision that we made in that moment, I don't care how old you were…the person that we were in that moment, we were showing up the very, very best that we could." - Michelle Chalfant

"97% of the time, our assumptions are incorrect." - Michelle Chalfant

"Things that happened in our past, no matter if it's a death or someone has done something to us or we made mistakes, it can be difficult to move on, but it's possible." - Michelle Chalfant

"When we live in the moment, it's a much different reality. It's almost as if the world opens up." - Michelle Chalfant

"Living in the past is like having an anchor tied around our waist trying to move forward." - Michelle Chalfant

"What I'm giving you today are ways to move you forward into the moment." - Michelle Chalfant

"When we don't feel our emotions around something, guess what? It keeps us stuck." - Michelle Chalfant

"When we block our emotions, we're blocking ourselves." - Michelle Chalfant

"Forgiveness releases the hold that the past has on you." - Michelle Chalfant

"When we get in the habit of going back and beating up on ourselves or being mad about someone else…what we do is we form these neural pathways, and they are not healthy. It's like we set the roadmap in our brains to go back and beat up on self." - Michelle Chalfant

LINKS & RESOURCES

Podcast #381: Summer Series: How To Get Rid of Negative Emotions

https://theadultchair.com/podcasts/381/

A Guided Meditation for Cleansing Relationships and Cutting Cords

https://theadultchair.com/portfolio_page/a-guided-meditation-for-cleansing-relationships-and-cutting-cords/

MORE ADULT CHAIR

The Adult Chair® Website

https://theadultchair.com

The Adult Chair® Events

https://theadultchair.com/events/

The Adult Chair® Coaching Certification - Join the 2024 Waitlist!

https://theadultchair.com/certification

STAY CONNECTED

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themichellechalfant

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheMichelleChalfant/

The Adult Chair® Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/theadultchair/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/Michellechalfant

Codependency is one of those issues that can often come across as selfless to those around us...in fact, it might even earn us praise because we seem so nice and helpful (although at our own expense).

But what if I told you that codependency was actually a form of control? This episode today was inspired by a very insightful question from one of our listeners who shared his realization that in his codependency, he was being unintentionally manipulative and controlling. He was showing up as the ever-helpful husband, but he was often doing this from a place of trying to get his own needs met (earning his wife's love, support, etc.). Of course, this was not conscious, and once he had his awakening, he wanted to know how to move forward and learn how to be genuinely helpful and healthy.

Codependency is one of my favorite topics to talk about, and in this episode, I'm giving you five simple steps for what to do next when you find yourself asking, "I'm codependent. Now what?"

Listen to discover:

• How we improve our relationships with others when we're codependent

• Why this is different than intentional or abusive control

• Five steps to break the pattern of codependency

• Why realizing you're codependent isn't a bad thing

If this is you, the first step is to drop the blame and shame. You weren't trying to be manipulative; you were trying to survive based on what your programming told you to do. Once you realize this, you can step into a whole new chapter in your life...one filled with healthier relationships and a healthier connection to self!

"We're controlling and being manipulative from an unconscious place." - Michelle Chalfant

"We betray ourselves and change who we are in order to make sure other people outside of us are happy and peaceful. That's how it's manipulative and controlling." - Michelle Chalfant

"We need someone who can fact check us." - Michelle Chalfant

"That's why so many codependents are so exhausted, because our energy is going out to others all day, every day." - Michelle Chalfant

MORE ADULT CHAIR

The Adult Chair® Website

https://theadultchair.com

The Adult Chair® Events

https://theadultchair.com/events/

The Adult Chair® Coaching Certification - Join the 2024 Waitlist!

https://theadultchair.com/certification

STAY CONNECTED

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themichellechalfant

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheMichelleChalfant/

The Adult Chair® Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/theadultchair/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/Michellechalfant

Grief, anger, sadness, fear…YUCK! I don't know anyone who likes to feel these emotions.

I get emails from you guys all the time asking how to get rid of "negative" emotions like these.

But are these emotions really negative? Or do they serve a purpose in our lives?

While some emotions might feel more unpleasant than others, I personally don't believe any emotion is negative. All emotions are part of the human experience and carry information for us.

However, they can create negative experiences in life when we get stuck in them.

The problem isn't the emotions; it's that we don't know what to do with them!

In this show, I'm teaching you how to work through the full range of emotions you were designed to experience as a human and how to get unstuck if you find yourself lost in anger, grief or fear.

You'll discover practical steps for feeling your emotions in a way that allows them to move through you, no matter how you saw emotions modeled growing up.

Listen to discover:

• Why "negative" emotions serve a purpose in life

• The messages we receive about emotions as children

• What causes emotions to get stuck

• Practical steps to feel emotions and move them through you

Emotions are simply energy that moves through our body and creates sensation. And on the spectrum of emotions from love to fear, some feel better than others…but because they are energy, they can ALL move through us (and move through us quickly).

Problems arise when emotions come up that we don't want to feel. We avoid them and shut them down, which makes us more likely to get stuck in these "negative" experiences.

That's why we have to start going INTO our emotions, no matter how uncomfortable it might feel. When you do this, you'll be surprised how quickly they move through you...and what powerful insights they might hold for you.

​​"We're human, and humans were created to have emotions. We were created to have a range of emotions." - Michelle Chalfant

"There's an energy to emotions that rises up and passes through us." - Michelle Chalfant

"I don't even like to call emotions on the fear end of the spectrum 'negative.'" - Michelle Chalfant

"Anger propels us forward." - Michelle Chalfant

"Energy is always in motion, and emotions are energy." - Michelle Chalfant

"Something that keeps emotions stuck is a story." - Michelle Chalfant

"Just let it go and be present with whatever is coming up." - Michelle Chalfant

"When you put pen to paper, you're tapping into your unconscious world." - Michelle Chalfant

"There's power when someone is witnessing what's going on in our inner world." - Michelle Chalfant

"If you feel the energy of peace, it's neutral." - Michelle Chalfant

LINKS & RESOURCES

Green Chef

https://www.greenchef.com/adult50

Use code ADULT50 for 50% off + free shipping

MORE ADULT CHAIR

The Adult Chair® Website

https://theadultchair.com

The Adult Chair® Events

https://theadultchair.com/events/

The Adult Chair® Coaching Certification - Join the 2024 Waitlist!

https://theadultchair.com/certification

STAY CONNECTED

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themichellechalfant

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheMichelleChalfant/

The Adult Chair® Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/theadultchair/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/Michellechalfant

Our society today is facing an epidemic of anxiety. Despite technology that promises to make our lives faster and easier, it seems that we're more anxious than ever. In 2020, Google searches for "anxiety" reached an all-time high.

We have to look beyond the diagnosis of anxiety and seek to find the root cause of why so many people are living with such high stress and dysregulation that are creating anxiety. There is something bigger going on here.

And since we're whole humans, we need to look at the whole picture – mind, body and spirit – when thinking about how we heal and manage anxiety.

My guest on this show, Dr. Ellen Vora, is a psychiatrist who takes a functional medicine approach to anxiety, looking at mental health factors and physical health factors, such as sleep, digestion and blood sugar, that can add up to throw us out of balance and contribute to feelings of anxiety.

She also helps us to distinguish between feelings of anxiety that come from a physical imbalance vs. true anxiety, which comes from our inner compass telling us something truly isn't ok.

Listen to discover:

• What's causing our current epidemic of anxiety

• The connection between sleep and anxiety

• Why blood sugar imbalances can cause "false anxiety"

• The difference between true anxiety and false anxiety

• The many reasons for cell phone-induced anxiety

• Spirituality and anxiety management

• A psychiatrist's honest opinion about psychedelics, medications and anxiety

We need to start taking a "layered" approach to treating and managing anxiety by looking at the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual elements of our lives and how they work together to create stress or health.

This hopeful approach to anxiety empowers us all to make choices that support our well-being, even in the face of real personal and mental health challenges.

"I was sort of taking the temperature of our society, and the temperature right now is anxiety." - Dr. Ellen Vora

"False anxiety is anxiety that is not our true essence." - Dr. Ellen Vora

"It's not just one thing that we have to look at." - Michelle Chalfant

"Genes plays a role, but that keeps a lot of us feeling stuck and feeling destined to be anxious....it's more dynamic than we appreciate." - Dr. Ellen Vora

"Our problems, our stressors are still valid. It's just that if we had a snack and our blood sugar was more stable in that moment, we would be more resilient in the face of our stressors." - Dr. Ellen Vora

"Our mind is the consummate meaning maker." - Dr. Ellen Vora

"It's not like we have to dramatically change everything that we do, but we just want to make informed choices." - Dr. Ellen Vora

"We don't get to gluten free or decaf coffee our way out of our true anxiety." - Dr. Ellen Vora

"I would have my clients sit in their bodies and feel what was going on, and their physical symptoms would start to change." - Michelle Chalfant

"[Anxiety] is the physical manifestation of unfelt emotions." - Michelle Chalfant

"It's our body that's able to listen and really dial in and tap into a deeper knowing." - Dr. Ellen Vora

"It's turning toward the anxiety instead of turning away from." - Michelle Chalfant

"We reach outside of ourselves to 'fix us'…and it doesn't end it. We've gotta get to the root." - Michelle Chalfant

"We need to change our narrative of what is materially possible." - Dr. Ellen Vora

"We're never stuck. We are never broken." - Dr. Ellen Vora

LINKS & RESOURCES

Dr. Ellen Vora Website

https://ellenvora.com/

Dr. Ellen Vora Instagram

https://www.instagram.com/ellenvoramd/

"The Anatomy of Anxiety" (Dr. Ellen Vora book)

https://www.amazon.com/Anatomy-Anxiety-Understanding-Overcoming-Response/dp/0063075091

The Self-Worth Meditation Bundle

https://theadultchair.com/worthy

MORE ADULT CHAIR

The Adult Chair® Website

https://theadultchair.com

The Adult Chair® Events

https://theadultchair.com/events/

The Adult Chair® Coaching Certification - Join the 2024 Waitlist!

https://theadultchair.com/certification

STAY CONNECTED

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themichellechalfant

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheMichelleChalfant/

The Adult Chair® Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/theadultchair/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/Michellechalfant

Do you ever feel like you're being disloyal to your family for having your own life? Or do you feel like you're second fiddle to your partner's parents?

If so, you or your partner might come from an enmeshed family: a system of relating to each other that is based on dependency, guilt, obligation and too much closeness (yes, that can be a thing!).

In today's episode, I'm bringing back one of your favorite guests, Dr. Ken Adams, to talk about the important topic of enmeshment – and let me tell you, he is SUCH a wealth of knowledge!

When I knew we were bringing Dr. Adams back, I asked The Adult Chair® community what you wanted to know about enmeshment, and I was flooded with questions! So, I used this time with Dr. Adams to ask him YOUR questions – everything from the difference between codependency and enmeshment to what to do if your spouse is enmeshed with his or her family to how to let go as an enmeshed parent.

I know you guys are so excited to have Dr. Adams back and to get your questions answered, and I am too!

Listen to discover:

• The line between being caring and enmeshment

• The difference between codependency and enmeshment

• What to do if you come from an enmeshed family or your spouse's family is enmeshed

• How to manage guilt when stepping out of an enmeshed system

• What a healthy family looks like

• How different cultural norms can foster enmeshment

• Tips for enmeshed parents who want to change their pattern of relating to their children or who are struggling with letting go

The key to recognizing enmeshment is to understand that it's a connection bound by guilt. It goes beyond being caring and even beyond being codependent to the point of obligation, anger and being accused of disloyalty if you don't follow the family system.

These feelings of guilt can make it difficult to set boundaries, but if you stay in your Adult, sit with your emotions and hold those boundaries, freedom – and possibly a much healthier family overall – is waiting for you on the other side.

"In those enmeshed systems, dependency is built on obligation and loyalty is driven by guilt." - Dr. Ken Adams

"Autonomy and separateness feel like disloyalty." - Dr. Ken Adams

"Sometimes outsiders are viewed suspiciously, which includes your spouse." - Dr. Ken Adams

"Both partners are responsible for keeping out intrusions". - Dr. Ken Adams

"Sometimes the guilt is a representation that you're doing the right thing." - Dr. Ken Adams

"You don't let the guilt stop you from continuing the boundaries in that relationship." - Michelle Chalfant

"It's really building up self-worth around who am I now…who am I really underneath these masks that my parents put on me." - Michelle Chalfant

LINKS & RESOURCES

Dr. Ken Adams Website

https://www.overcomingenmeshment.com/

Episode #256: Understanding Enmeshment with Dr. Ken Adams

https://theadultchair.com/podcasts/256/

Episode #276: Raising Teens from The Adult Chair® with Dr. Pam Staples

https://theadultchair.com/podcasts/276/

Find an Adult Chair® Coach

https://theadultchair.com/coaches/

MORE ADULT CHAIR

The Adult Chair® Website

https://theadultchair.com

The Adult Chair® Events

https://theadultchair.com/events/

The Adult Chair® Coaching Certification - Join the 2024 Waitlist!

https://theadultchair.com/certification

STAY CONNECTED

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themichellechalfant

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheMichelleChalfant/

The Adult Chair® Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/theadultchair/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/Michellechalfant

Rejection is one of the greatest fears we have as humans. Even simple rejections like not making the team or being chosen for a job – things we know aren't personal – still sting deeply. Why does rejection seem to hit at the core of who we are?

Susan Anderson began asking this question when she went through a personal experience of abandonment. The love of her life left her suddenly for another woman, and although she was a practicing psychotherapist with immense knowledge of the human mind, she still found herself in emotional crisis and doubting herself and her worthiness.

As she dug more into this topic, she discovered that we as humans have a primal abandonment wound – a universal experience that begins when we are born and go from deep union and connection with our mother to a feeling of being separate. This creates deep shame and causes us to search for belonging and worthiness throughout our lives.

And this is why rejection hurts so much: it triggers this deep fear that we might not belong and we might not be worthy.

In this fascinating and important episode, Susan shares her discoveries on the topic of abandonment, why we experience it the ways we do and how a whole host of other issues in our lives can stem from this wound. We discussed why healing abandonment trauma looks different from healing other traumas, the five stages of healing and the tools (all of which are part of The Adult Chair® model) that can heal it.

Listen to discover:

• The hidden shame we all have and the root of it

• The different defenses we put up against shame

• How to raise our awareness to our abandonment wounds

• Why healing from abandonment looks different from other forms of trauma healing

• Steps to healing abandonment wounding

• How working with abandonment wounding can help with people pleasing, codependency and self-sabotage

• 5 stages of processing abandonment hurt

The primal wound of abandonment is also an opportunity for primal healing. When we learn to love and accept ourselves as worthy and recognize how deeply connected we truly are, we not only heal our abandonment wound, but we can change almost anything in our lives.

"The loneliness is sort of a secondary feeling. The primary is the primal fear and the shame of maybe never being worthy of keeping someone." - Susan Anderson

"The personality itself is a defense against the shame." - Susan Anderson

"When we look at a relationship that ends, it is a retraumatization of what we experienced as a child." - Michelle Chalfant

"The history that leads to a strong reaction in adulthood to abandonment could be very subtle." - Susan Anderson

"You have to take this step, and you go through it...The pain is there, but you go through it, and you get to the other side." - Michelle Chalfant

"Your adult self can now develop an intense, loving, reassuring relationship with your inner child." - Susan Anderson

"It turns this awful emotional crisis that's so painful into an opportunity for something that's probably long overdue, which is self-love." - Susan Anderson

"Doing these steps, you will become an even better, stronger, more self-loving person on the other side of it...even stronger than you were prior to this abandonment wound." - Michelle Chalfant

"The kind of self-love that we're developing is deeper, more mature self-love...the kind of love you give yourself because you respect yourself so much." - Susan Anderson

"We have to stop looking outside of self and turn our attention inward. That's where healing, that's where love, that's where hope, that's where peace, that's where all the things are that we're looking for outside of ourselves." - Michelle Chalfant

"When the adult gets strong and is in command, it limits all of this self-sabotage." - Susan Anderson

LINKS & RESOURCES

Susan Anderson Website

https://www.abandonment.net/

https://abandonmentrecovery.com

"The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" (Susan Anderson book)

https://www.amazon.com/Journey-Abandonment-Healing-Surviving-Recovering/dp/0425273539

Green Chef

https://www.greenchef.com/adult50

Use code ADULT50 for 50% off + free shipping

MORE ADULT CHAIR

The Adult Chair® Website

https://theadultchair.com

The Adult Chair® Events

https://theadultchair.com/events/

The Adult Chair® Coaching Certification - Join the 2024 Waitlist!

https://theadultchair.com/certification

STAY CONNECTED

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/themichellechalfant

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TheMichelleChalfant/

The Adult Chair® Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/theadultchair/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/Michellechalfant