In this episode of The Art of Charm, retired SWAT hostage negotiator Scott Tillema shares his battle-tested four-part framework for leading difficult conversations, defusing high-stakes conflicts, and influencing others with clarity and confidence.

Trained by the FBI and Harvard, Scott now brings these skills to the boardroom, equipping leaders with the same life-saving tools he once used in crisis negotiations. Whether you're navigating a tense meeting, resolving conflict on your team, or having a hard conversation at home, this episode will show you how to lead with calm authority.

Scott reveals why tactical empathy is more powerful than persuasion, how to control your emotional state when the pressure’s on, and what most people get wrong about timing, tone, and respect.

[00:00:00] Introduction

[00:02:47] Why your negotiation partner is not your opponent — and how that shift changes everything

[00:10:50] The biggest mistake leaders make when trying to influence others

[00:16:02] How to mentally prepare for high-pressure conversations using tactical breathing

[00:22:34] The transformation that happens when you stop learning and start embodying

[00:27:15] How to know when it’s the right time to speak — and when it’s too soon

[00:30:46] Delivery over content: Why how you say it matters more than what you say

[00:34:19] The four pillars of respect that drive every meaningful negotiation

[00:38:40] How autonomy — even in small doses — creates buy-in and trust

[00:43:22] A high-stakes negotiation that failed — and what Scott learned from it

[00:49:04] Why you should never tell someone you’re reading their body language

You’re negotiating all the time — with your boss, your spouse, your coworkers. If you want influence, connection comes first.

The best negotiators aren't master persuaders. They're master listeners.

Tactical empathy isn’t manipulation. It’s leadership.

People don’t respond to logic — they respond to tone, timing, and emotional safety.

Respect isn’t about politeness — it’s about fairness, autonomy, recognition, and empathy.

Conflict isn’t a threat. It's an opportunity to lead with poise and purpose.

Tired of awkward handshakes and collecting business cards without building real connections? Dive into our Free Social Capital Networking Masterclass. Learn practical strategies to make your interactions meaningful and boost your confidence in any social situation. Sign up for free at theartofcharm.com/sc and elevate your networking from awkward to awesome. Don’t miss out on a network of opportunities!

Unleash the power of covert networking to infiltrate high-value circles and build a 7-figure network in just 90 days. Ready to start? Check out our CIA-proven guide to networking like a spy!

Indulge in affordable luxury with Quince—where high-end essentials meet unbeatable prices. Upgrade your wardrobe today at quince.com/charm for free shipping and hassle-free returns.

Ready to turn your business idea into reality? Shopify makes it easy to start, scale, and succeed—whether you're launching a side hustle or building the next big brand. Sign up for your $1/month trial at shopify.com/charm.

Need to hire top talent—fast? Skip the waiting game and get more qualified applicants with Indeed. Claim your $75 Sponsored Job Credit now at Indeed.com/charm.

Curious about your influence level? 

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Negotiations Collective website

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What does it actually mean to be "high value" at a networking event—and how can you radiate it without saying a word? In this episode of Social Intelligence, AJ Harbinger and Johnny Dzubak break down how calm, cooperative, and confident behavior—not bravado—builds real influence.

What to Listen For

Episode Takeaways

First impressions are made in seven seconds—calm energy signals confidence

Prestige-based status builds longer, deeper influence than dominance

People feel your value before they assess your skills, thanks to mirror neurons

The AAA Formula—Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation—creates magnetic presence

Exposure therapy helps reduce anxiety and build real confidence under pressure

Elevating others (deep compliments, appreciation) increases your own value

Body language speaks first—prepare before you even enter the room

Being high value isn’t about being loud; it’s about being felt and remembered

The Art of Charm Social Intelligence ProgramLooking to quickly improve your social intelligence with support from AJ, Johnny, and their team? Check out the Art of Charm Social Intelligence Program at⁠ intel.theartofcharm.com⁠. A quick application gets you on board.

In your next conversation, start by sharing a small vulnerability or flaw

When they respond, label the emotion you hear in their story

Before leaving, ask for advice (not feedback or validation)

Try all three in one conversation and report back what changed, who opened up, and what surprised you.⁠Email AJ⁠ your results

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In this eye-opening conversation, we sit down with Simone Stolzoff, author of The Good Enough Job, to explore why modern work culture traps so many of us in cycles of burnout, identity crises, and unrealistic ambition. Drawing on research and personal experience, Simone challenges the “dream job” myth and offers a liberating framework: redefine success on your terms.

We explore the dangers of workism, the importance of building an identity outside of your career, and the power of setting clear boundaries. For high-achievers who feel stuck on the hedonic treadmill, this episode offers a roadmap to a more balanced, meaningful life — without abandoning your ambition.

[00:00:00] Introduction

[00:02:26] The real meaning of a “good enough job” — and why it’s not about slacking off

[00:08:16] The rise of workism: why your job became your identity

[00:13:33] The difference between boundaries and guardrails — and why we need both

[00:21:14] The myth of the dream job (and why passion usually follows skill, not the other way around)

[00:27:41] How to rebuild an identity outside of work and escape workaholism

[00:39:28] The surprising reason people at both ends of the ambition spectrum struggle

[00:50:00] Why defining your “enough” number is the antidote to endless striving

[00:56:08] Simone’s personal lesson: why time autonomy is his ultimate luxury

Episode Takeaways:

Your job should support your life, not become your life.

Stop chasing perfection — a “good enough” job can free you to thrive in other areas that matter.

Identity is like an investment portfolio: diversify it beyond just work.

Intrinsic motivation (mastery, purpose, autonomy) beats external markers of success.

Define your personal “enough” — financially, emotionally, and professionally — or risk falling into the endless “more” trap.

Play, beginner’s mindset, and non-work communities are secret weapons for resilience.

Tired of awkward handshakes and collecting business cards without building real connections? Dive into our Free Social Capital Networking Masterclass. Learn practical strategies to make your interactions meaningful and boost your confidence in any social situation. Sign up for free at theartofcharm.com/sc and elevate your networking from awkward to awesome. Don’t miss out on a network of opportunities!

Unleash the power of covert networking to infiltrate high-value circles and build a 7-figure network in just 90 days. Ready to start? Check out our CIA-proven guide to networking like a spy!

Indulge in affordable luxury with Quince—where high-end essentials meet unbeatable prices. Upgrade your wardrobe today at quince.com/charm for free shipping and hassle-free returns.

Ready to turn your business idea into reality? Shopify makes it easy to start, scale, and succeed—whether you're launching a side hustle or building the next big brand. Sign up for your $1/month trial at shopify.com/charm.

Need to hire top talent—fast? Skip the waiting game and get more qualified applicants with Indeed. Claim your $75 Sponsored Job Credit now at Indeed.com/charm.

Curious about your influence level? 

Get your Influence Index Score today!

Take this 60-second quiz to find out how your influence stacks up against top performers at theartofcharm.com/influence.

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The Good Enough Job: Reclaiming Life from Work

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Charisma isn't just for extroverts or performers—it's a scientific advantage that determines how often you're invited, trusted, and remembered. In this episode of Social Intelligence, AJ Harbinger and Johnny Dzubak reveal why people decide how they feel about you before they evaluate your skills, and how this hidden force might be keeping you from the promotions and relationships you deserve.

Through the story of their client Brett—a high-performer who was passed over for promotion despite working harder than everyone else—AJ and Johnny break down why being skilled isn't enough when you're perceived as "cold and unapproachable." They share three counterintuitive, science-backed techniques that transformed Brett from invisible to magnetic in both his professional and social circles.

If you've ever wondered why colleagues with average skills get all the credit, or why you keep hearing you're "great at what you do" but still feel invisible, this episode reveals the subtle signals of warmth and connection you might be missing.

[00:00:00] Opening introduction to the hidden force of charisma [00:02:54] How charisma opens doors and makes everything easier [00:05:36] Why warmth is judged before competence (Princeton research) [00:07:37] The "processing face" problem that makes you seem unapproachable [00:08:31] How avoiding side conversations kills career opportunities [00:10:53] The Pratfall Effect: How small mistakes make you more likable [00:11:55] The Reflective Label Technique: Mirroring emotions to build connection [00:13:30] The Benjamin Franklin Effect: Why asking for help raises your status[00:16:41] Three-step challenge to boost your charisma this week

People judge your warmth before they judge your skills—without warmth, your competence won't matter

Mirror neurons fire when we converse, creating shared emotional states that build connection

The "processing face" problem: When you're thinking deeply, your expressionless face makes others uncomfortable

The Pratfall Effect: Competent people become more likable when they reveal a small flaw or vulnerability

Reflective labeling shows emotional fluency and makes people feel deeply understood

The Benjamin Franklin Effect: Asking for advice activates others' investment in you and raises your status

Small acts of vulnerability build more authentic connections than maintaining a "mask of competence"

The Art of Charm Social Intelligence ProgramLooking to quickly improve your social intelligence with support from AJ, Johnny, and their team? Check out the Art of Charm Social Intelligence Program at intel.theartofcharm.com. A quick application gets you on board.

In your next conversation, start by sharing a small vulnerability or flaw

When they respond, label the emotion you hear in their story

Before leaving, ask for advice (not feedback or validation)

Try all three in one conversation and report back what changed, who opened up, and what surprised you.Email AJ your results

AJ on LinkedIn

Johnny on LinkedIn

AJ on Instagram

Johnny on Instagram

The Art of Charm on Instagram

The Art of Charm on YouTube

The Art of Charm on TikTok

What to Listen ForEpisode Takeaways:A Word From Our SponsorsThis Week's ChallengeCheck in with AJ and Johnny!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week on The Art of Charm, we're joined by award-winning psychologist and bestselling author Ethan Kross to explore the fascinating science of emotion regulation. In his newest book Shift: Managing Your Emotions So They Don't Manage You, Ethan reveals how emotions secretly drive 90% of our lives—and how mastering them can unlock performance, connection, and fulfillment.

We dig into why your emotions feel so overwhelming, why trying harder isn’t the solution, and how building your own mental "toolbox" is the real path to emotional fitness. Whether you're leading teams, raising a family, or striving for personal excellence, this conversation will give you the tactical edge you didn't even realize you needed.

[00:00:00] What exactly are emotions — and why are they so hard to define?

[00:06:35] How emotions are helpful — until they aren't

[00:08:33] Why emotional triggers are unique to each person (and why empathy matters)

[00:12:14] The surprising connection between sleep, food, and your emotional resilience

[00:16:31] How to design your environment for automatic emotional shifts

[00:28:20] The secret to becoming a better emotional advisor for friends, family, and teams

[00:37:05] Why belief in your ability to regulate emotions is just as important as skill

[00:45:51] When emotional avoidance is actually healthy

[00:48:39] How elite performers make emotional regulation automatic (WOOP framework explained)

Emotions aren't irrational noise — they're signals. But they must be managed with tools, not brute force.

Your triggers, emotional responses, and coping strategies are as unique as your fingerprint. Stop copying other people's solutions.

Mastering emotions is like mastering fitness: belief, awareness, and deliberate practice matter more than natural talent.

The environment you live and work in can either sabotage or support your emotional state — design it thoughtfully.

Emotional support isn’t just about listening; it’s about knowing when (and how) to move from empathy to problem-solving.

You can't think your way through every emotional challenge — but you can train yourself to act automatically under pressure.

Tired of awkward handshakes and collecting business cards without building real connections? Dive into our Free Social Capital Networking Masterclass. Learn practical strategies to make your interactions meaningful and boost your confidence in any social situation. Sign up for free at theartofcharm.com/sc and elevate your networking from awkward to awesome. Don’t miss out on a network of opportunities!

Unleash the power of covert networking to infiltrate high-value circles and build a 7-figure network in just 90 days. Ready to start? Check out our CIA-proven guide to networking like a spy!

Indulge in affordable luxury with Quince—where high-end essentials meet unbeatable prices. Upgrade your wardrobe today at quince.com/charm for free shipping and hassle-free returns.

Ready to turn your business idea into reality? Shopify makes it easy to start, scale, and succeed—whether you're launching a side hustle or building the next big brand. Sign up for your $1/month trial at shopify.com/charm.

Need to hire top talent—fast? Skip the waiting game and get more qualified applicants with Indeed. Claim your $75 Sponsored Job Credit now at Indeed.com/charm.

Curious about your influence level? 

Get your Influence Index Score today!

Take this 60-second quiz to find out how your influence stacks up against top performers at theartofcharm.com/influence.

Ethan Kross’s website

Shift: Managing Your Emotions--So They Don't Manage You

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Are you missing the skill that actually determines success? In this episode of Social Intelligence, AJ Harbinger and Johnny Dzubak reveal how to create genuine connections in high-stakes situations - whether it's a first date, business lunch, or million-dollar meeting.

This masterclass in "vibing" breaks down the science of meaningful connection and shares practical strategies that helped one client secure a $100 million investment during a simple golf outing. AJ and Johnny explain why focusing on shared emotional states—not just similarities—is the secret to memorable connections.

If you struggle with making strong impressions, maximizing limited time with important contacts, or turning brief interactions into meaningful relationships, this episode offers the framework you've been missing.

[00:00:00] Why social intelligence trumps technical skill for long-term success

[00:02:04] How to approach high-stakes social situations with confidence

[00:05:27] How one client secured a $100M investment during a golf outing

[00:07:41] Strategic seating arrangements that create instant rapport

[00:09:36] Open-ended questions that make the other person feel valued

[00:12:29] Why shared emotions matter more than shared interests

[00:14:09] Breaking the "question train" to avoid overwhelming others

[00:16:56] How to discuss your passions authentically (even "nerdy" ones)

[00:18:31] When and how to share your mission to inspire others to help

[00:20:44] How to practice vibing in low-stakes situations

Free Social Capital Networking Masterclass

Tired of awkward handshakes and collecting business cards without building real connections? Dive into our Free Social Capital Networking Masterclass. Learn practical strategies to make your interactions meaningful and boost your confidence in any social situation. Sign up for free at theartofcharm.com/sc and elevate your networking from awkward to awesome.

Quince

Indulge in affordable luxury with Quince—where high-end essentials meet unbeatable prices. Upgrade your wardrobe today at quince.com/charm for free shipping and hassle-free returns.

Shopify

Ready to turn your business idea into reality? Shopify makes it easy to start, scale, and succeed—whether you're launching a side hustle or building the next big brand. Sign up for your $1/month trial at shopify.com/charm.

Indeed

Need to hire top talent—fast? Skip the waiting game and get more qualified applicants with Indeed. Claim your $75 Sponsored Job Credit now at Indeed.com/charm.

Get your Influence Index Score today! Take this 60-second quiz to find out how your influence stacks up against top performers at theartofcharm.com/influence.

• The Art of Charm Social Intelligence Program

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In a world where remote work, Slack threads, and Zoom fatigue dominate, The Art of Charm welcomes Andrew Brodsky, management professor at UT Austin and author of Ping: The Secrets of Successful Virtual Communication.

This episode is a masterclass in how to reclaim productivity, enhance visibility, and communicate strategically in a virtual-first world. Andrew introduces the PING Framework — a practical toolkit for navigating digital communication with precision, warmth, and power.

If you're feeling drained by back-to-back video calls, unclear on how to network virtually, or unsure how to make your contributions seen and respected — this episode offers the clarity you've been craving.

[00:00:00] The one question almost no one asks that instantly improves meetings

[00:04:39] Media richness, cue variety, and why Zoom still feels awkward

[00:11:43] Introducing the PING Framework: Perspective, Initiative, Nonverbal, Goals

[00:16:44] How to create communication boundaries and stop feeling “always on”

[00:25:43] Generational differences and why Gen Z hates the thumbs-up emoji

[00:29:05] The visibility trap of remote work and how to build presence

[00:35:25] Cold messaging: why successful people are more likely to respond than you think

[00:44:03] Why asking for advice increases perceived competence — not weakness

[00:48:54] How to rekindle faded relationships without making it weird

[00:53:47] Bringing back the “virtual water cooler”

[00:57:53] Mimicry and digital nonverbal cues that build instant trust

Tired of awkward handshakes and collecting business cards without building real connections? Dive into our Free Social Capital Networking Masterclass. Learn practical strategies to make your interactions meaningful and boost your confidence in any social situation. Sign up for free at theartofcharm.com/sc and elevate your networking from awkward to awesome. Don’t miss out on a network of opportunities!

Unleash the power of covert networking to infiltrate high-value circles and build a 7-figure network in just 90 days. Ready to start? Check out our CIA-proven guide to networking like a spy!

Indulge in affordable luxury with Quince—where high-end essentials meet unbeatable prices. Upgrade your wardrobe today at quince.com/charm for free shipping and hassle-free returns.

Ready to turn your business idea into reality? Shopify makes it easy to start, scale, and succeed—whether you're launching a side hustle or building the next big brand. Sign up for your $1/month trial at shopify.com/charm.

Need to hire top talent—fast? Skip the waiting game and get more qualified applicants with Indeed. Claim your $75 Sponsored Job Credit now at Indeed.com/charm.

Curious about your influence level? 

Get your Influence Index Score today!

Take this 60-second quiz to find out how your influence stacks up against top performers at theartofcharm.com/influence.

Ping: The Secrets of Successful Virtual Communication

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Ping Group’s website

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In this episode of The Art of Charm, we sit down with Sebastien Page — Chief Investment Officer at T. Rowe Price and author of The Psychology of Leadership — to explore what world-class leadership really looks like.

Blending sports psychology, positive psychology, and personality science, Sebastien unpacks the mental habits of resilient leaders, the science behind stress optimization, and the silent traps that sabotage ambition. He reveals why perfection isn't the goal, why some stress is critical to peak performance, and why goals—if unchecked—can lead to ethical and personal blind spots.

If you're a driven professional seeking clarity, impact, and self-mastery, this conversation will give you a psychological edge that most leaders miss.

[00:00] Why “no stress” is not the goal — and why some stress makes you perform better

[00:06:41] The misunderstood link between flow, performance, and leadership engagement

[00:10:01] Stress tolerance affects team dynamics

[00:13:59] The dangerous myth of the “always calm” leader

[00:17:07] The hidden power of quality relationships in long-term success

[00:21:29] Why goal setting without wisdom leads to burnout or regret

[00:38:44] Defining your own core values vs. chasing someone else's metrics

[00:42:30] The Big Five Personality Traits and how they transform leadership empathy

[00:56:59] How to harness social comparison as a competitive advantage — without letting it destroy your self-worth

Tired of awkward handshakes and collecting business cards without building real connections? Dive into our Free Social Capital Networking Masterclass. Learn practical strategies to make your interactions meaningful and boost your confidence in any social situation. Sign up for free at theartofcharm.com/sc and elevate your networking from awkward to awesome. Don’t miss out on a network of opportunities!

Unleash the power of covert networking to infiltrate high-value circles and build a 7-figure network in just 90 days. Ready to start? Check out our CIA-proven guide to networking like a spy!

Indulge in affordable luxury with Quince—where high-end essentials meet unbeatable prices. Upgrade your wardrobe today at quince.com/charm for free shipping and hassle-free returns.

Ready to turn your business idea into reality? Shopify makes it easy to start, scale, and succeed—whether you're launching a side hustle or building the next big brand. Sign up for your $1/month trial at shopify.com/charm.

Need to hire top talent—fast? Skip the waiting game and get more qualified applicants with Indeed. Claim your $75 Sponsored Job Credit now at Indeed.com/charm.

Curious about your influence level? 

Get your Influence Index Score today!

Take this 60-second quiz to find out how your influence stacks up against top performers at theartofcharm.com/influence.

The Psychology of Leadership: Timeless principles to improve your management of individuals, teams… and yourself!

Sebastien Page on LinkedIn

Harvard’s 80-year study on happiness and relationships

The Yerkes-Dodson Law (stress vs. performance curve)

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In this episode of The Art of Charm, we sit down with bestselling author and productivity renegade Oliver Burkeman to unpack his refreshingly honest approach to time, ambition, and self-worth. Drawing from his latest book Meditations for Mortals, Oliver introduces a new philosophy he calls Imperfectionism — a radical shift from hustle culture and perfection paralysis.

We discuss the psychology of high achievers who constantly feel behind, the traps of productivity debt, and how letting go of perfection can paradoxically lead to real momentum, deeper relationships, and a more meaningful life.

If you're constantly stuck between ambition and exhaustion, trying to “optimize” your way into fulfillment, this conversation might just be the permission slip you didn’t know you needed.

[00:00] Why all decisions come with a downside — and why that’s freeing

[00:03:55] What is “Imperfectionism,” and how can it help you escape productivity traps?

[00:08:05] How comparison and perfectionism stop you from building meaningful connections

[00:13:52] Why authenticity beats polish — in branding, leadership, and life

[00:22:46] “Productivity debt” — and how it silently undermines your confidence

[00:29:18] What is decision hunting, and how does it unlock real momentum?

[00:33:55] Why one small outreach can reconnect you to a lost part of yourself

[00:40:25] The surprising key to building lasting habits (hint: it’s not willpower)

[00:44:00] The “Reverse Golden Rule” that every people-pleaser needs to hear

[00:53:36] Oliver’s favorite meditation for starting from sanity

Tired of awkward handshakes and collecting business cards without building real connections? Dive into our Free Social Capital Networking Masterclass. Learn practical strategies to make your interactions meaningful and boost your confidence in any social situation. Sign up for free at theartofcharm.com/sc and elevate your networking from awkward to awesome. Don’t miss out on a network of opportunities!

Unleash the power of covert networking to infiltrate high-value circles and build a 7-figure network in just 90 days. Ready to start? Check out our CIA-proven guide to networking like a spy!

Indulge in affordable luxury with Quince—where high-end essentials meet unbeatable prices. Upgrade your wardrobe today at quince.com/charm for free shipping and hassle-free returns.

Ready to turn your business idea into reality? Shopify makes it easy to start, scale, and succeed—whether you're launching a side hustle or building the next big brand. Sign up for your $1/month trial at shopify.com/charm.

Need to hire top talent—fast? Skip the waiting game and get more qualified applicants with Indeed. Claim your $75 Sponsored Job Credit now at Indeed.com/charm.

Curious about your influence level? 

Get your Influence Index Score today!

Take this 60-second quiz to find out how your influence stacks up against top performers at theartofcharm.com/influence.

Meditations for Mortals: Four Weeks to Embrace Your Limitations and Make Time for What Counts

Oliver Burkeman’s website

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In today’s episode, we’re joined by Dr. Caroline Fleck—licensed psychologist, corporate consultant, and Stanford adjunct. With years of clinical practice and executive coaching under her belt, Dr. Fleck has developed powerful validation techniques that help high performers build authentic relationships and navigate complex conversations. Her groundbreaking work, detailed in her new book, Validation, transforms the way professionals connect both personally and professionally. 

Join us for a compelling conversation with Dr. Caroline Fleck as she reveals why the art of validation is your secret weapon—and how embracing vulnerability, strategic empathy, and even unconventional self-disclosure can transform your leadership. Dr. Fleck shares proven insights from her work in clinical psychology and executive coaching, and explains why emotional intelligence is your ultimate edge in today's fast-paced world.

• Why is validation psychology’s best-kept secret—and how is it different from praise or agreement?

Tired of awkward handshakes and collecting business cards without building real connections? Dive into our Free Social Capital Networking Masterclass. Learn practical strategies to make your interactions meaningful and boost your confidence in any social situation. Sign up for free at theartofcharm.com/sc and elevate your networking from awkward to awesome. Don’t miss out on a network of opportunities!

Unleash the power of covert networking to infiltrate high-value circles and build a 7-figure network in just 90 days. Ready to start? Check out our CIA-proven guide to networking like a spy!

Indulge in affordable luxury with Quince—where high-end essentials meet unbeatable prices. Upgrade your wardrobe today at quince.com/charm for free shipping and hassle-free returns.

Ready to turn your business idea into reality? Shopify makes it easy to start, scale, and succeed—whether you're launching a side hustle or building the next big brand. Sign up for your $1/month trial at shopify.com/charm.

Need to hire top talent—fast? Skip the waiting game and get more qualified applicants with Indeed. Claim your $75 Sponsored Job Credit now at Indeed.com/charm.

Curious about your influence level? 

Get your Influence Index Score today!

Take this 60-second quiz to find out how your influence stacks up against top performers at theartofcharm.com/influence.

Validation: How the Skill Set That Revolutionized Psychology Will Transform Your Relationships, Increase Your Influence, and Change Your Life

Dr Caroline Fleck’s website

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