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Your job today as a father is to do one thing. It’s to read this poem, which dates back to 1895, and then to think about how to incorporate its lessons into how you raise your kids. Ignore the gendered language (it was written as advice to the poet’s son) because it doesn’t matter.
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We try to inspire our kids. We try to motivate them. We try to incentivize them. We want them to care about winning–that’s why we push them into sports. We want them to go to a good college–that’s why we reward them for their grades. We want them to succeed in this world–that’s why we tell them stories of the greats (that’s the idea behind The Girl Who Would Be Free and The Boy Who Would Be King, for instance).
We want our kids to be ambitious.
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It’s clear some parents take things too far. They push their kids too hard in sports. They push them too hard in school. They solve every problem for them, indulge every whim and desire, shelter them from discomfort and the slightest independence. They celebrate the most minor of accomplishments, they encourage the most unusual of behaviors.
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When a young Florence Nightingale began making moves toward volunteering in hospitals, her aristocratic parents were horrified. It had been difficult enough raising a precocious child. Now she wanted to debase herself with work below her station? They were embarrassed. What would their friends think? How would it look? Like a lot of parents with determined, independent children, they felt rejected. They thought her choices rebuked theirs.
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We watch sports with our kids. That’s greatness, we say of some 4th quarter comeback win. They’re the G.O.A.T, we explain–the greatest to ever do it. We talk to our kids about the work that went into that success, the practice, the sacrifice. Maybe we even talk about the incredible rewards that follow such greatness. But it’s important that we also remind them where this skill sits in the overall scheme of things.
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On this weekend episode of the Daily Dad, Ryan talks with his wife Samantha on doing less by saying no, physically being present and the cost of every opportunity.
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Because you’re in charge, because you’re so much bigger and stronger and smarter, it’s easy to get trapped into a battle of wills with your kids. Don’t do that or else! Because I said so. Oh, you think it’s like that, do you? We put our foot down. We tell them how it’s going to be. We argue. Sometimes, at the very, very end of our rope, we lock them in their room.
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Is there anything better than the feeling of your kid’s head on your chest? Them running towards you at pick up time? Seeing their name pop up as an incoming call on your phone? Them asking for advice? Them asking to show you something?
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Tom Brady has always been relentless about trying to get better. Trying to get his passes out quicker. Trying to get his spirals a little tighter. Trying to optimize his diet. Trying to recover from games faster.
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We know the world throws a lot at our kids. We know it’s noisy out there and there are competing influences. We know they’re pretty forgetful too. These are kids that can barely remember where their backpack is…how are we supposed to communicate the most essential and important truths of life? How do we get them to remember what we tell them?
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