The Divorce Course Podcast

You know it was abuse. But written down, each moment sounds small. This is the episode about proving it.

Part 5 of our six-part coercive control series with clinical psychologist Krasi Kirova. Mum and I work through your questions on affidavits, evidence, police reports and what the family court is actually looking for.

LISTEN IF YOU...

- Have kept notes for a year and worry they sound petty

- Have been told by a lawyer that coercive control does not matter

- Reported to police and were dismissed because there was no stalking or tracking

- Are writing an affidavit and do not know what to include

- Are still being controlled through emails, handovers and admin after final orders

- Are terrified of going back to court

This is general information, not legal or psychological advice. It reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your situation. Always get independent advice.

This episode discusses coercive control, family violence, financial abuse and sexual betrayal. If you are in danger call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732.

00:00 - Explaining Coercive Control When No One Believes You

01:00 - Series Recap and Meet Clinical Psychologist Krasi Kirova

02:30 - Legal Disclaimer and Family Violence Trigger Warning

03:50 - Stacy: How Do I Make My Notes Matter in Court?

06:00 - Why Each Incident Sounds Petty: The Puzzle Piece Problem

07:00 - Death by a Thousand Cuts: Proving Cumulative Harm

09:30 - When the Judge Spots the Pattern Themselves

10:30 - What Courts Look For: Coercive Control and the Property Pool

14:00 - Your Affidavit Is the Proof, So You Have to Say It

14:20 - Anonymous: Should Infidelity Go in My Affidavit?

18:00 - DARVO Explained: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender

19:00 - Win: Can I Use Voice Memos and Home Security Footage?

21:40 - Legal Gatekeeping: When Your Lawyer Says It Does Not Matter

26:00 - How to Change Lawyers Mid-Case Without the Confrontation

28:00 - Katina: The Police Dismissed My Coercive Control Report

30:00 - The Empower You App and Finding a Station That Listens

33:20 - Roberta: Protection Orders When He Explains Everything Away

35:00 - Why Criminal, DV and Family Courts Do Not Talk to Each Other

37:00 - Samantha: Post-Separation Control After Final Orders

41:40 - Grey Rock, Escalation and When to Get a Risk Assessment

43:30 - Coercive Control Versus Ordinary Co-Parenting Conflict

46:30 - Admin Burden as Control: Fix It in Your Parenting Orders

50:00 - Jenna: When His Lawyer Becomes the Mouthpiece

54:00 - Lee: Fear of Court and a Teenager Who Will Not Visit

58:00 - Court Fear Is the Last Hook They Have Left

01:00:00 - Gina: What Evidence Is Actually Enough?

01:02:00 - Thresholds: Therapist Versus Police Versus Family Court

01:04:00 - The Marathon Analogy: Kicked, Then Blamed for Slowing Down

01:06:00 - Never Stop Documenting Until the Behaviour Stops

01:12:00 - The Magistrate Who Knew What Coercive Control Was

01:14:30 - Krasi's Conference Talk and Next Week: Healing

EPISODES MENTIONED

DARVO in the Family Court - https://youtu.be/pRMOfozwBKs?si=-YgsXkz8ybMB_lkr

Documenting Coercive Control - https://youtu.be/SIyXCGXH5nw?si=SY_8UNT5puZ7Uj_F

Reporting to Police, Step by Step - https://youtu.be/s7vH5a9y7cA?si=sm1ReJaVxsvqKlNS

1800 RESPECT - 1800 737 732 (24/7 DV support)

Lifeline - 13 11 14

Police - 000 (immediate danger)

The Divorce Course - www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

The Divorce Course Podcast - www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog

Empower You app - free documentation app run by NSW Police

Krasi Kirova - clinical psychologist and board-approved supervisor

Share your experience anonymously for Krasi's conference talk: [LINK]

If this episode helped you understand how to prove coercive control, please follow, rate, review and share The Divorce Course Podcast so others going through the same thing can find this information too.

Are you about to separate and have absolutely no idea what happens to the house? Do you keep it? Do you sell it? Do you have to be the one who leaves? And what happens to the mortgage?

🎧 Listen to this episode if…

- You don't know whether you can keep the house or have to sell it, The mortgage is in both names and you're panicking about who pays it, You've been told that if you move out, you lose your claim to the house, Your ex is stalling, sabotaging the sale, or refusing to sign anything, You want to keep the kids in the same home and the same school, You're heading into mediation and need to know your options

⚠️ not legal advice. This reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your situation. Always get independent legal advice.

Discussions of financial and economic abuse. If you're in danger, call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732.

00:00 – What Happens to the House When You Separate?

01:10 – Net Equity Explained: What the House Is Really Worth

02:05 – No Special Rule Book, With One Exception: Housing the Children

03:45 – Does Someone Have to Move Out to Be Separated?

05:05 – Myth Busted: Moving Out Doesn't Lose You the House

06:20 – When Your Ex Runs the House Down Before the Valuation

07:10 – Who Pays the Mortgage? Spousal Maintenance Explained

09:30 – Financial Abuse and Section 4AB of the Family Law Act

09:55 – Do You Have to Sell the House If You Separate?

10:45 – Working Out What the House Is Actually Worth

12:10 – How Assets Get Balanced: The Caravan Example

13:15 – Your Options: Keep It, Sell It, or Hold It Jointly

14:35 – Falling Prices, Negative Equity and Bidding at Auction

16:50 – Keeping the House: The Step-by-Step Process

17:20 – Why the Order Comes First: The Stamp Duty Exemption

19:20 – How to Work Out the Buyout Figure

21:30 – Can You Actually Afford It? See a Mortgage Broker

23:15 – Why Every Consent Order Needs a Backup Plan

24:50 – Kids and the House: Does It Give You an Edge?

26:20 – Expensive Suburbs, School Catchments and Staying Put

28:35 – The Tarzan Principle: Getting to the Next House

31:40 – Should You Buy a New House Before Settlement?

34:20 – Selling Together When You Can Barely Speak

35:25 – Staging, "Sold As Is" and Missing Kitchens

38:10 – Choosing a Real Estate Agent You Both Agree On

39:25 – Court Orders to Sell and Holding Funds in Trust

42:25 – When Your Ex Sabotages the Sale

47:40 – The High-Conflict Ex and the House

49:15 – The Avoidant Ex and Avoidant-Proof Orders

51:20 – The Manipulative Ex and Delay Tactics

52:50 – Amicable? Don't Rely on a Handshake

54:40 – Don't Let Buyers Know It's a Divorce Sale

55:55 – When Your Ex Won't Sign: Section 106A Explained

57:20 – What It Costs to Go to Court Over the House

59:00 – A Home Is Just a House: The Emotional Side

🎧 EPISODES MENTIONED

What Happens With the Mortgage https://youtu.be/8yNEHlHC-JE?si=hCyc9PcxW3BbTUDd

Inheritances https://youtu.be/FKK6NIU4sEk?si=oAOCl-INyhnvO_M0

I Really Want to Keep the House https://youtu.be/sblG_qVXhG4?si=ydHgafJTRDRr6g74

Selling the House https://youtu.be/kd9MUMeKaKQ?si=dTTugpHus_6Qe7oF

📖 FULL SHOW NOTES, including every case, section and resource mentioned in this episode: www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog

📞 1800 RESPECT – 1800 737 732 (24/7) 📞 Lifeline – 13 11 14 🚓 Police – 000 🌐 www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

Family Law Act 1975 – s79(5) and s90SM (housing the children), s4AB (family violence and economic abuse), s90 (stamp duty relief), s106A (registrar signing documents).

If this episode helped you please follow, rate, review, and share so others going through the same thing can find this information too.

🎧 LISTEN TO THIS EPISODE IF…

• You're parenting a child with autism, ADHD or suspected neurodivergence through a separation

• You don't know how to tell a literal thinker that their parents are splitting up

• Changeover is falling apart and your child refuses to go to the other house

• Your ex denies the diagnosis, blocks therapy, or says "they're perfect at my place"

• You need the court to understand what your child's daily needs actually look like

• You're heading into a family report and you're dreading it

• You're burnt out, doing all the appointments, and wondering if you've ruined your child

Does the family court actually consider your child's neurodivergence when making parenting orders? What happens when your ex tells the lawyer your child doesn't have special needs at all? And can week-about ever work for a child who falls apart at every changeover?

In this episode, Mum and I are joined by Amanda Lee – an autistic mum of autistic daughters, a qualified Montessori educator, parenting coach and registered counsellor who has also been through the family court herself. Amanda works with neurodiverse families navigating burnout, relationship breakdown and separation, and she brings both the qualifications and the lived experience.

⏱️ EPISODE TIMELINE

00:00 – Neurodivergent Kids and Divorce: What You Need to Know

01:01 – Meet Amanda Lee: Autistic Mum, Counsellor and Parenting Coach

03:22 – What's Actually Different for a Neurodivergent Child?

04:56 – Does the Family Court Need a Formal Diagnosis?

06:17 – How to Tell a Neurodivergent Child You're Separating

10:09 – Warning Signs Your Child Isn't Coping After Separation

13:59 – You Haven't Ruined Your Child: The Skills They're Building

14:32 – Documenting Your Child's Behaviour for the Family Court

15:27 – Transitions and Two Homes: Making Changeover Easier

20:04 – One Safe Person, One Safe Place: How to Parallel Parent

22:06 – When Your Child Refuses to Go to the Other House

22:58 – How to Write Observations That Hold Up as Evidence

26:00 – Free Checklists at The Divorce Course

27:09 – When Your Ex Won't Take the Kids to Therapy or OT

28:00 – The Ex Who Denies the Diagnosis: Talk About Behaviour Instead

30:24 – Masking, the Fawn Response and "Perfect at Dad's"

33:08 – Telling the School and Building Your Support Team

36:24 – "Therapeutic Purposes Only" Counselling Orders Explained

37:07 – How the Family Court Considers Neurodiversity

38:15 – NDIS Plans, Affidavits and a Day in the Life

40:02 – Choosing a Family Report Writer Who Gets Neurodivergence

41:00 – Preparing Your Child for the Family Report Interview

44:10 – Coaching Accusations and How to Avoid Them

46:15 – When Parents Can't Agree on Medical or Therapy Decisions

49:04 – Therapy Costs, Property Settlement and Child Support

51:05 – Support After 18: Adult Child Maintenance Explained

53:06 – Parental Burnout and the "Good Enough Parent" Standard

56:49 – Where to Find Amanda Lee

🎧 EPISODES MENTIONED

• At What Age Can Children Decide Where They Live? –https://youtu.be/hUCh0Nzw0wM?si=3jLmbSGESM3ziQYq

• What Is a Family Report? What to Expect on the Day –https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/family-reports-in-your-divorce/id1503451022?i=1000475552908

MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE

Amanda Lee – Amanda Lee Consulting – amandaleeconsulting.com | Amanda Lee Consulting on Facebook & Instagram

Understanding Zoe app – shared practitioner notes for your child's support team (may be fundable through NDIS)

Teeny Tiny Stevies – ABC Kids / ABC iview (the goodbye-song idea)

Videos for children about the family court – fcfcoa.gov.au

Family Law Act 1975 (Cth) s 60CC – best interests of the child

Family Law Amendment Act 2023 – parental responsibility and joint decision-making changes, in force May 2024

Services Australia – Child Support change of assessment (special circumstances)

NDIS – ndis.gov.au

LINKS & RESOURCES

🌐 The Divorce Course – www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

🎓 The Divorce Course Podcast – www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog

✅ Free checklists (mediation, disclosure, word salad, read a letter like a pro, before you go) – free resources section at www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

SUPPORT

📞 1800 RESPECT – 1800 737 732 (24/7 DV support)

📞 Lifeline – 13 11 14

🚓 Police – 000 (immediate danger)

🛟 Content warning: this episode touches on high-conflict separation, post-separation abuse, and parents who deny a child's needs.

⚠️ This podcast is general information only – it is not legal advice. The content reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your situation or jurisdiction. Always consult a qualified family lawyer about your individual circumstances. Laws may have changed since this episode was recorded.

If this episode helped you feel less alone in parenting a neurodivergent child through separation, please follow, rate, review and share The Divorce Course Podcast so others going through the same thing can find this information too.

All our best,

Laura & Lyn

Your Guides By Your Side

Co-Hosts of THE DIVORCE COURSE PODCAST

🎧 Listen to this episode if…

• You've been told your property pool is "too big" or "too small" to bother negotiating

• You're weighing up whether to accept an offer or go to court, and it doesn't feel fair

• You're a stay-at-home parent worried about how you'll manage on a small settlement

• Your ex keeps saying "just go get a job" and you don't know if the court sees it that way

• You're stuck arguing over a percentage and not sure if the fight is worth the cost

• You want to understand future needs adjustments before you sit down at mediation

⚠️ Legal Disclaimer

This podcast is general information only – it is not legal advice. The content reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your specific situation or jurisdiction (some rules differ in WA). Always consult a qualified family lawyer about your individual circumstances. Laws may have changed since this episode was recorded.

Episode Summary

You may have been told that because your property pool is very big, or very small, the usual rules don't apply to you. Maybe you're trying to decide whether to accept an offer that doesn't feel fair, or whether it's even worth going to court at all. This one's for you.

Mum and I unpack how the size of your property pool changes the way settlement negotiations and decisions play out. The family law framework is always the same – the four steps a court works through don't move – but two of those steps, current and future circumstances (what we used to call "future needs") and that final just-and-equitable check, can look very different depending on whether you're splitting five million or fifty thousand.

We talk through why big pools often see smaller future-needs adjustments (because there's plenty to go around), why small pools can see much larger ones (because every dollar counts), and the one habit that will save you years of stress: stop arguing over percentages and start looking at what those percentages are actually worth in real dollars. Mum also explains the Priority Property Pool 500 (PPP500) court track for smaller matters, why superannuation isn't the same as cash in your hand, and why drawing that legal line under your relationship matters even when there's "hardly anything" to divide.

⏱️ Episode Timeline

00:00 – Big or Small Property Pool? Why It Matters

01:00 – The Legal Disclaimer & What Stays the Same for Everyone

01:20 – The Four Steps: What Never Changes in a Settlement

02:00 – What Counts as a Large Property Pool?

02:40 – Big Pools: Why Future Needs Adjustments Shrink

04:40 – Standard of Living: What the Court Will and Won't Do

06:30 – Small Pools: Why Adjustments Can Be Much Bigger

07:30 – Percentages vs Real Dollars: The Mindset Shift

09:00 – Is That 10% Worth Going to Court For?

12:20 – Don't Forget Superannuation vs Cash

14:00 – Stay-at-Home Parents, Earning Capacity & Retraining

17:20 – "Is a Small Pool Even Worth It?" The Myth

18:30 – Why Drawing a Legal Line Protects Your Future

21:40 – The Priority Property Pool 500 (PPP500) Explained

23:30 – Normal-Sized Pools: Follow the Usual Rules

25:50 – Show Me the Money: Look at Dollars, Not Percentages

26:40 – You Are Capable: A Message of Hope

1. Should I Settle or Go to Court? (10 Questions to Ask Yourself)

Referenced when discussing how to decide whether the fight is worth it.

2. Property: Why You Shouldn't Negotiate Percentages

Referenced when discussing arguing over what "50/50" actually means in dollars.

📞 1800 RESPECT — 1800 737 732 (24/7 DV support)

📞 Lifeline — 13 11 14

🚓 Police — 000 (immediate danger)

🌐 The Divorce Course — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

🎓 The Divorce Course Podcast — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog

• Priority Property Pool 500 (PPP500) — the streamlined court track for matters with net assets under $500,000 (excluding super). Federal Circuit and Family Court of Australia: https://www.fcfcoa.gov.au

• Family Law Act 1975 – s 79 (property, married) / s 90SM (de facto): https://www.austlii.edu.au/cgi-bin/viewdoc/au/legis/cth/consol_act/fla1975114/s79.html

🎧 Listen to this episode if…

- You've left a coercively controlling relationship and your biggest fear is what it will do to your kids

- You're wondering why your children can't see the abuse, or seem to side with the controlling parent

- Your ex uses the kids as messengers or feeds them misinformation

- You're worried about being accused of "parental alienation" for parenting differently

- You're navigating parenting plans, orders or supervised time with a high-conflict ex

⚠️ This podcast is general information only not legal advice. Australian family law discussed. Always consult a qualified family lawyer.

🛟 This episode discusses coercive control and family violence. In danger? Call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), Lifeline 13 11 14.

In Part 4 of our Coercive Control Series, Laura and Lyn are joined by clinical psychologist Krasi Kirova to answer your questions about coercive control, children and co-parenting. Plus the legal side – affidavits, family reports, Section 61DAB, loophole-proof orders, whether the court listens to a 14-year-old, and why supervised time working isn't a reason to rush to unsupervised.

⏱️ CHAPTERS

00:00 – Coercive Control and Kids: Every Parent's Biggest Fear

02:00 – How Coercive Control Affects Children (Including Adult Children)

04:00 – Research: Coercive Control Harms Kids Like Physical Violence

08:00 – Why Children Can't See the Abuse: The Loyalty Bind

10:00 – Does the Family Court Recognise the Impact on Children?

11:00 – The Problem With Family Reports

13:00 – Naming Coercive Control in Your Affidavit

14:00 – When Kids Are Used as Messengers

15:00 – Why Protective Parenting Is Double Duty

18:00 – Dr Emma Katz: Build the Opposite of the Coercive Regime

21:00 – Teaching Kids Emotion Regulation and Assertiveness

24:00 – Why Normal Co-Parenting Advice Doesn't Apply Here

26:00 – Making Your Home Non-Porous

27:00 – Alienation Accusations vs Parenting Differently

29:00 – Bombarding Messages: Why You Can Ignore Them

31:00 – Section 61DAB: Your Day-to-Day Parenting Decisions

32:00 – Manipulation and Misinformation: Correcting the Record

37:00 – The "Adult Matters" Myth in Family Court

38:00 – When Kids Side With the Controlling Parent

43:00 – How to Tell the Kids You're Divorcing

48:00 – Best Books to Help Children Through Coercive Control

52:00 – Krasi's Message to Every Protective Parent

55:00 – Helping Kids Heal When They Won't Open Up

60:00 – Parenting Plans With a Narcissistic Ex: 50/50 Traps

62:00 – Loophole-Proof Orders: Why "As Agreed" Needs a Default

65:00 – Will the Court Listen to a 14-Year-Old?

67:00 – Parental Alienation: What the UN Report Says

69:00 – The Gillick Test: Teens Accessing Psychological Support

70:00 – Sudden 50/50 Demands and Recording Phone Calls

72:00 – Supervised Time: Why Good Behaviour Isn't Evidence

🎧 EPISODES MENTIONED

Part 1 – Coercive Control vs a Bad Relationship: https://open.spotify.com/episode/3Blmekx03XEJIzshzS3glJ

Part 2 – Coercive Control While Separated Under One Roof https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/id1503451022?i=1000775886114

Part 3 – Financial Abuse and Coercive Control: When Money Becomes the Weapon https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/id1503451022?i=1000776879697

The Parenting Order Loopholes Your Ex Will Exploit https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBZYy44FhPY

Can Kids Decide Where They Live? How Children's Wishes Count https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/id1503451022?i=1000771958744

🔗 RESOURCES

Krasi Kirova, Clinical Psychologist – https://kirovapsychology.com.au

Krasi's feedback form for survivors – https://jtwqtij4vdy.typeform.com/to/bjpm4Gy2

Books: The Big Bag of Worries | Every Moment of Every Day (Christine Cuccio) | The Sky Is Red and My Boundary Balloons (Tyra Schwartz) | I Can (Natasha Harris)

Family Law Act 1975 – s60CC and s61DAB

🌐 www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

🎧 Listen to this episode if…

• Your ex is using money to punish or control you in divorce proceedings
• Your ex is stalling the settlement, ignoring emails, or pressuring you to sign before you're ready
• You've been told it "couldn't really be financial abuse" because you earned your own money or had access to the accounts
• Your partner refused to work or quietly drained joint funds
• Your lawyer suggested leaving coercive control out of your settlement
• You need the courage to name what happened

⚠️ Legal Disclaimer This podcast is general information only it is not legal advice. It reflects Australian family law and may not apply to your situation or jurisdiction. Always consult a qualified family lawyer. Laws may have changed since recording.

🛟 Family Violence Trigger Warning This episode discusses coercive control and financial abuse. For confidential support: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732).

Lyn a Family Lawyer and I are joined again by clinical psychologist Krasi Kirova to answer your questions about financial abuse the part of coercive control that hides inside bank accounts, businesses, superannuation and settlement negotiations.

Krasi breaks down the three faces of economic abuse – control, employment sabotage and economic exploitation – and Mum covers what Section 4AB of the Family Law Act actually says, what evidence courts look for when the abuse happened behind closed doors, and how to find the courage to name it.

00:00 – Financial Abuse and Coercive Control: Was It Really Abuse? 03:00 – Financial Abuse When You're the Breadwinner 04:00 – The 3 Types of Economic Abuse: Control, Sabotage, Exploitation 08:00 – My Husband Won't Work – Is This Coercive Control? 12:00 – Secret Accounts and Hidden Spending 15:00 – "I Learned to Stop Asking Questions" – Control Through Consequences 16:00 – Section 4AB Family Law Act: Financial Abuse Is Coercive Control 17:00 – The Avoidant Ex and Post-Separation Abuse 19:00 – When Courts Award More: The 14% Adjustment for Coercive Conduct 21:00 He Won't Accept the Separation 23:00 – Proving Subtle Coercive Control in Court 24:00 – What Evidence Family Courts Actually Need (It's Not Criminal Proof) 27:00 – Making Your Story Live for the Judge: Notes, Dates, Chronology 29:00 – The Three Ds Framework: Demeaning, Disempowerment, Distortion 31:00 –Proving Covert Control and Narrative Isolation 39:00 – Trying Hard's Question: Pressured to Sign the Settlement Too Soon 43:00 – Alex's Question: When Your Ex Uses Adult Kids to Pressure You 46:00 – Krasi's Call-Out: Share Your Experience for the Psychology Conference 48:00 – Samantha's Question: My Lawyer Said to Leave Coercive Control Out 52:00 – Spousal Maintenance Years After Separation: What Courts Consider 54:00 – Gretchen's Question: When the Ex's Lawyers Play Coercive Games 55:00 – Miss Resilient: Private School Fees, Child Support and Spiteful Neglect 59:00 – Next Week: Coercive Control, the Children and Co-Parenting 60:00 – Jesse and Sandy: Finding the Courage to Name the Abuse 61:00 – The Lighthouse Program and Evatt List: Extra Safeguards in Court 65:00 – The Domestic Violence Pendulum: You Will Find Your Voice

📞 1800 RESPECT – 1800 737 732 (24/7 DV support) 📞 Lifeline – 13 11 14 🌐 The Divorce Course – www.thedivorcecourse.com.au Krasi's free Three Ds handout - https://kirovapsychology.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2025/06/3Ds-Handout-1.pdf Krasi's Psychology Conference questionnaire https://jtwqtij4vdy.typeform.com/to/bjpm4Gy2

Coercive Control While Separated Under One Roof: How to Survive It | The Divorce Course Podcast (Part 2)

🎧 LISTEN IF YOU…

• Are separated but still stuck under one roof

• Were told you "can't leave" without a parenting plan

• Suspect you're being watched through cameras, phone or car

• Are scared to move money or make a move

• Want to plan a safe exit and set real boundaries

⚠️ General education only — not legal or psychological advice. Discusses coercive control, financial & tech abuse. In danger, call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), Lifeline 13 11 14.

Part 2 of our six-part coercive control series with clinical psychologist Krasi Kirova and Family Law Specialist Lyn Galvin, all about surviving it while you're still in it.

00:00 – Separated but Stuck Under One Roof: You're Not Alone

01:00 – Six-Part Series, Guest Krasi Kirova & How to Send Questions

02:00 – Meet Krasi Kirova & Lyn Galvin

03:00 – Legal & Family Violence Disclaimer

04:00 – Does Coercive Control Continue After Separation? (Sally's Question)

05:00 – The Three Ds: Disrespect, Disempowerment, Distortion

06:00 – Why They Won't Move Out — The New Under-One-Roof Tactic

07:00 – Is Separation Under One Roof Required? Davis & Davis (Sarah's Question)

08:00 – "Can You Make Them Leave?" + When Your Ex Makes Up the Law

10:00 – DARVO Explained + Why Placating Doesn't Work (Nini's Question)

12:00 – How to Prove Escalating Abuse + Judges Are Trained

13:00 – Chronologies as Evidence + The Three-Year "Separation" Trap (Anonymous)

15:00 – The Stuck Feeling Is Entrapment — You Can Leave Without a Plan

17:00 – Cameras, Doorbells & Surveillance In Your Own Home (Loans' Question)

19:00 – Tech-Facilitated Abuse: 70% Is Everyday Tech + The Omnipresence Effect

20:00 – Is My Car Being Tracked? AirTags, Apps & What to Do (Marie's Question)

22:00 – Removing Tech Safely: Order Matters, Sweepers & Bluetooth

24:00 – When Your Ex Uses the Kids to Spy (She Bear's Question)

26:00 – Talking to Your Child About Privacy + Family Reports

28:00 – Krasi's Call-Out: Share Your Voice for the Psychology Conference

31:00 – Moving Money Without Awakening the Bear (JT's Question)

33:00 – Getting Your Ducks in a Row: The Safest Way to Leave

36:00 – 21 Years In — How Do I Announce I'm Leaving? (Tash's Question)

37:00 – The Shark Analogy: Why "Nicely" Doesn't Change the Reaction

38:00 – "You Moved Money Without My Consent" — Financial Control (Jessie's Question)

40:00 – Boundaries vs Buffers: Why Boundaries Can Backfire (Anonymous)

44:00 – Parenting Apps, Grey Rocking & the Three Anchors

45:00 – Legal Abuse, Comeuppance & the 14% Uplift Case

46:00 – Intervention Orders + A House-Sharing Idea for the Stuck

🎧 EPISODES MENTIONED

Can You Make Them Leave? — https://youtu.be/_XAG5c1hOkU

Tech-Facilitated Abuse (WESNET SafetyNet Australia) — https://youtu.be/rc8b27R_k9k

The Three Anchors with Sonia Bestulic — https://youtu.be/aHULu7ffPj4

Capturing Coercive Control in an Affidavit — https://youtu.be/SIyXCGXH5nw

🔗 RESOURCES

1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732 | Lifeline 13 11 14 | Police 000

The Divorce Course — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

Free Before-You-Go Checklist & Tech App Worksheet — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

Share your voice for Krasi's conference (anonymous) — https://jtwqtij4vdy.typeform.com/to/bjpm4Gy2

Tech safety — https://techsafety.org.au

Davis & Davis [1984] — the case confirming it's unreasonable to expect separated people to live under one roof

If this episode helped you, please follow, rate, review and share so others stuck under one roof can find it too. Next week: Coercive Control & Financial Abuse.

• You keep asking yourself "is it me, or are they controlling?"

• The examples online always sound more extreme than what you're living

• You're walking on eggshells but second-guessing whether you're allowed to feel that way

• You've been told to "just set boundaries" but it only seems to make things worse

• You want to understand coercive control from both a psychological and a family-law angle

This is general education – not legal advice or a psychological diagnosis. It discusses coercive control and abuse. If you're in danger, call 000. Support: 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732 | Lifeline 13 11 14.

"Is it me, or are they controlling?" That question ran under almost every message you sent in – so we turned it into a six-part series, and this is Part 1. Laura and Lyn are joined by clinical psychologist Krasi Kirova to answer the one nearly everyone asked: is this really coercive control?

Krasi shares her three Ds (disrespect, disempowerment, distortion), explains why coercive control is a pattern and a function rather than a list of behaviours, and how good qualities like compromise and empathy get weaponised. Lyn explains how family law treats coercive control differently from the criminal courts.

00:00 – Is It Me, or Are They Controlling?

03:30 – What Best Illustrates Coercive Control?

04:30 – The Restaurant Metaphor: Pattern, Not a Checklist

06:00 – The 3 Ds: Disrespect, Disempowerment, Distortion

07:30 – Psychology vs Family Law: Section 4AB

09:00 – Family Court vs Criminal Court: Different Tests

10:00 – When You Lose Sight of What's Reasonable

12:00 – How Compromise & Empathy Get Weaponised

13:00 – When Your Ex Wasn't As "Extreme" as the Examples

16:00 – Is Anger & Yelling Coercive Control?

18:00 – Can It Exist Without Financial Control?

19:00 – Repeated Pressure & Monopolised Decisions (

22:00 – Stonewalling, Delay & Deflection

25:30 – The PA Dynamic & Exploitation

28:00 – Needy or Controlling? How to Tell the Difference

30:00 – Blame-Shifting, DARVO & Perspecticide

33:00 – Infidelity, Guilt & Trying to Leave

39:00 – Silent Treatment as Punishment

43:00 – Why He Does Less When You're Sick

45:00 – Emotional Abuse vs Coercive Control

47:30 – Can the Main Breadwinner Be Controlled?

53:00 – Why Do They Do It? Can Survivors Heal?

58:00 – The Anxious, Controlling Attachment Style &

📌 Have your say: Krasi is presenting on coercive control at the Australian National Psychology Conference. Share what you wish psychologists and therapists understood – anonymously, with optional audio. Link in the show notes. Entry form https://jtwqtij4vdy.typeform.com/to/bjpm4Gy2

The 3 Ds of Coercive Control – the deep-dive episode with Krasi.https://youtu.be/bRmLZBRs--o?si=YZ1951oDofDe_lw7

• 1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732 | Lifeline 13 11 14 | Police 000

• Section 4AB, Family Law Act 1975 – definition of family violence

• Guest: Krasi Kirova, Clinical Psychologist

If this helped you start to name what you've been living, please follow, rate, review and share The Divorce Course Podcast so others going through the same thing can find it too.

• You feel like you're just reacting to whatever your ex or their lawyer throws at you

• You're exhausted, foggy, and making life-changing decisions while running on empty

• You can't tell anymore whether your choices come from your intuition or from fear

• You find it hard to speak up for yourself in mediation, in court, or even to your own lawyer

• You've lost a bit of yourself and want practical ways to feel grounded again

• You want to move from just surviving your divorce to actually flourishing through it

This podcast is general information only it is not legal advice. This episode touches on coercive control and post-separation abuse. If you or someone you know is in danger, call 000. For confidential support: 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732).

If you're feeling stuck in survival mode reacting to every email, every legal letter, every move your ex makes this episode is the deep breath you've been needing. Laura is joined by Sonia Bestulic, award-winning author, speaker and wisdom teacher, whose book Flourish for Mums found Laura right in the middle of her own divorce. Together they unpack what survival mode actually is, why so many of us get stuck in it, and how to gently move out of it.

00:00 – Are You Stuck in Survival Mode During Your Divorce?

01:00 – Meet Sonia Bestulic: Author, Speaker & Wisdom Teacher

03:50 – "I Just Burnt Out": How Survival Mode Shows Up

05:30 – Why Your Mindset Can Affect Your Case as Much as the Law

07:00 – What Survival Mode Really Is (Fight, Flight, Freeze)

08:00 – The Lion Metaphor: A Fuel System Built for Short Bursts

09:30 – The Warning Signs You've Been in Survival Mode Too Long

10:50 – When Post-Separation Abuse Is Designed to Exhaust You

11:40 – The Three Anchors & Building Your Support Team

12:40 – Anchor One: Nourishing Your Intuition (Your Sacred GPS)

14:50 – Coercive Control & Learning to Trust Yourself Again

15:40 – The Morning Body Scan: 15 Minutes That Reset Your Day

18:30 – How to Tell the Difference Between Fear and Intuition

21:30 – Anchor Two: Energetic Integrity & Energy Hygiene

23:30 – Inner Boundaries: What's Mine to Carry and What's Theirs?

25:30 – Choosing When to Read That Email From Your Ex

26:40 – The Power of Nature to Recalibrate Your Nervous System

28:50 – Gratitude: The Highest-Frequency Circuit Breaker

30:00 – The Gratitude Candle & the Kindness Squirrel

32:50 – Anchor Three: Sacred Self-Advocacy

34:50 – Speaking Your Truth Without the Fight Energy

36:40 – Why Energy Speaks First (Even in the Witness Box)

40:40 – Daily Practices: Dance, Laughter, Music & Breath

43:50 – The Cup of Gratitude Ritual

45:40 – The Roots Metaphor: The Deeper the Roots, the Taller We Grow

48:40 – The One Thing You Can Start Today

49:50 – Where to Find Sonia & Her Books

• 1800 RESPECT — 1800 737 732 (24/7 DV support)

• Lifeline — 13 11 14

• Police — 000 (immediate danger)

• The Divorce Course — www.thedivorcecourse.com.au

• The Divorce Course Empowerment Playlist — on Spotify

• Sonia Bestulic — books Flourish for Mums and Raising Empowered Humans: Unlocking Kids' Self-Leadership and Lifelong Flourishing (Amazon, global delivery). https://soniabestulic.com.au/

🎧 Listen if… - You've been told you "can't touch anything" until property settlement is finalised - You're scared opening your own account will start a fight - You're watching money vanish from the joint account and can't stop it - You're the lower earner, worried about being left with nothing while you wait - You're paying for everything and scared of being called financially abusive if you stop - You've got a kids' savings or education account and don't know where it fits

Disclaimer: General information and education only, not legal advice. Please consult a family lawyer about your situation. 🛟 Discusses financial abuse & coercive control.

Can you really not touch any money until property settlement? Mum and I unpack what you can and can't do with your bank accounts after separation: the difference between managing day-to-day finances and dividing property, what happens to accounts in your own name versus joint accounts, and how to handle it whether your ex is amicable, high conflict, or controlling. We cover opening a new account, freezing joint accounts, what to do if it's emptied, kids' accounts, child support myths, and the warning signs of financial abuse.

⏱️ CHAPTERS 00:00 – Banking Through Separation: The Questions Everyone's Afraid to Ask 02:00 – Education Only & Why Your Lawyer Comes First 03:00 – The Two Big Myths: "Freeze Everything" vs "Take Everything" 03:30 – Power Dynamics & Who Makes the Early Money Decisions 04:00 – Managing Day-to-Day Finances vs Dividing Property 05:30 – What Happens to Your Bank Accounts When You Separate 06:00 – "It's Yours": Accounts in Your Own Name 07:00 – Joint Accounts & Why You Can Take Your Share 09:30 – Amicable Divorce: Take It, Then Tell Them 11:00 – High Conflict: Don't Stay Beholden to Your Ex 12:30 – Manipulative & Controlling Exes & the Groceries Analogy 13:30 – Is Taking the Money Financial Abuse? Section 4AB Explained 14:00 – Spousal Maintenance & the Joint-Account "Time Bomb" 15:30 – Post-Separation Spending, Wastage & Gollings & Scott 17:30 – Opening Your Own Bank Account (Yes, You Can) 18:30 – Why You Should Choose a Completely Different Bank 20:30 – "Will My Ex Find Out?" Tech Abuse, Passwords & Disclosure 22:30 – Where Should Your Wages Go? 23:00 – Coming Up: A Coercive Control Q&A With Krazi Kirova 23:30 – When Your Ex Won't Move Out or Pay the Bills 24:30 – Reasonableness & How a Judge Will See It 26:00 – Giving Notice, Justifying It & Part N of the Financial Statement 27:00 – The Two People This Goes Badly For 28:30 – Talking to the Bank & Their Limits 29:00 – How to Freeze a Joint Account (Two to Sign) 31:00 – Stopping Large Withdrawals & ATM Limits 32:00 – When the Account Gets Emptied: Spousal Maintenance Options 33:00 – Urgent Spousal Maintenance Orders Explained 35:00 – Protect vs Punish: Two Money Mindsets in Divorce 36:00 – Homework: Talk to Your Bank Anonymously 37:30 – Splitting the Cash 50/50: Does It Lock In Your Settlement? 39:00 – How to Document It (A Text Message Is Enough) 40:30 – Kids' Bank Accounts: Who Controls Them? 41:30 – Splitting Kids' Accounts & Trustee Options 42:30 – Using the Kids' Money to Live On (If You Have To) 43:30 – Kids' Accounts Are Part of the Property Pool & Disclosure 44:00 – Child Support Myths: The "Every Dollar for the Kids" Trap 45:30 – The "Basket of Goods" Approach & Living to Your Means 47:30 – Warning Signs of Financial Abuse 49:30 – Real-Time Spend Alerts, Passwords & Your Safety 50:45 – Day-to-Day Finances vs Property Settlement: The Recap 51:30 – Get on the Mailing List So You're Not Blindsided 52:00 – Final Homework: Go Open That New Bank Account 53:30 – Crochet Corner & Sign Off 54:30 – Commonwealth Bank Next Chapter & Banking Support

🎧 EPISODES Technology Abuse / Tech Safety – passwords, devices & safety checklist: https://youtu.be/rc8b27R_k9k Balancing the Power Dynamic – when one party stalls while the other pushes for settlement: https://youtu.be/coWlWcIq180

1800 RESPECT 1800 737 732 | Lifeline 13 11 14 | Police 000 Web: www.thedivorcecourse.com.au/blog Q&A questions: [email protected] CommBank Next Chapter – financial abuse support.

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All our best, Laura & Lyn Your Guides By Your Side Co-Hosts of THE DIVORCE COURSE PODCAST