Will mediation work when you are divorcing a narcissist?

This is the million dollar question.  My guest today, Liz Merrill is a mediator and divorce and transitions coach with a specialization in narcissistic relationships and high-conflict personalities.  In this episode, Liz shares her experience in a high-conflict marriage and litigious divorce and how that led her to start helping others in the same situation.  Liz shares the important factors to succeed in mediation including managing your nervous system, the importance of your relationship with your attorney, and the best ways to present your case.  She also shares the role a mediator plays in the divorce process and some overall tips on healing from these relationships. 

Liz Merrill is a mediator, an educator, and a divorce and transitions coach with a specialization in Narcissistic relationships and high-conflict personalities. She’s the owner of Open Space Mediation. Her knowledge of how the nervous system works and understanding of the role it plays in psychological and physiological reactions to trauma, conflict and anxiety brings a holistic approach to her work with families and individuals caught in the High Conflict cycle. 

After her own high-conflict marriage and litigious divorce, Liz saw the need for a holistic approach to divorce mediation which includes mindfulness, managing trauma, understanding how personality traits and disorders create high conflict in divorce, and learning powerful techniques to deescalate, disengage, and move on.

Show Links:
Liz's Website
Liz on Facebook
Liz on Instagram
Read Managing High-Conflict Dissolutions in Mediation and Court
The Survivor's Guide to High Conflict Divorce: A Free Video Course 

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If you thought that the abuse would end after you left your abusive partner, you may be stunned and extremely overwhelmed by the continued abuse.  Post-separation abuse can look different from the abuse when living with your abuser, but it can be just as harmful if not more.  

So, how is it possible for you to maintain a sense of hope while you are still being abused?

What is hope?

Wikipedia says that hope (noun) is an optimistic state of mind that is based on an expectation of positive outcomes with respect to events and circumstances in one’s life or the world at large.  I prefer the definition of the verb, hope; expect with confidence.

It is important to hold onto hope, not as the belief that life will always be rainbows and butterflies, but one that includes the reality of the situation we find ourselves in.  

Here are some tips to maintaining hope as you go through post separation abuse:

• As you learn more about abuse, look for the opportunities of what you can use to better your situation and choose information that has a positive outcome, not just the horror stories.
• Put as many safe people around you and your children as possible.
• Acknowledge your progress, even the small victories
• Write down your goal and put it in places you can see it
• Get therapeutic support if the hopelessness remains and if you have thoughts of harming yourself or others.

Links:

Dial 988 to talk with someone at the suicide and crisis hotline

https://988lifeline.org/

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You get to that point in your relationship where you know you can no longer live with the control and abuse.  You separate from your abuser and are left to pick up the pieces.

Now what?  How do I recover from this?  Where do I even start the healing process?

In this episode of The Rising Beyond Podcast, I have a conversation with Leanne Kanzler, a psychologist and coach on how she helps women and men who have separated from an abusive and controlling partner get back on their feet and move forward in their lives.  Leanne shares not only from her career experience but also from what she has learned after leaving a controlling relationship and what it takes to heal and become empowered.  

We discuss some of the first steps to healing including finding moments to become attuned to your self and body and learning to listen to what you need in the moment, how to set boundaries with others, and the possibility of needing to remove some people out of you support network and how to bring the safe people closer.

Leanne's Bio:

Leanne Kanzler is a psychologist and coach, author and speaker.  She is a business owner, second-time wife, and mother.

Leanne believes that we find our true selves through our deepest wounds. Her sense of being disconnected from herself and the world around her drove her to continually self-reflect and grow.

After being in a controlled marriage for twenty years, she took a leap of faith and started to do things for herself, finding herself along the way. This journey led to many realizations, including a beautiful second marriage.

Now, she is passionate about helping others go from Breakup to Breakthrough.

This means discovering your sense of self and what you want for YOU. Self-empowerment is the key to happy relationships and great boundaries.

Leanne knows that by helping both men and women, there is a  flow-on effect, where the children and extended family also benefit. 

SHOW LINKS:
Leanne's website
Leanne on Instagram
Leanne on Tik Tok
Leanne on Facebook 

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It is not a question of if your abusive ex will share a false narrative about you but when, to whom, and what will it be about.  After working for over a decade with victims and survivors of domestic violence and narcissistic abuse I have seen false narratives and lies cause so much distress and have legal implications.  So, how can you survive these false narratives?

First, we need to understand that the false narratives do not only come up once you have left your abuser.  You are conditioned from the very beginning of the relationship to be a part of these lies.  Through strategies of gaslighting, DARVO, and the constant mask they wear in public, the false narrative is a constant.

These narratives seem to increase in intensity after a victim leaves and include anything that will help them avoid taking accountability, saving face, and destroying you.  So what are some tips for surviving these types of attacks?

• Know what to expect, remember it’s not if, but when
• Learn to predict the possible narratives
• Increase your inner circle of support
• Choose your battles of who/what/when you defend yourself to
• Defend with evidence and little emotion
• Radical acceptance of what you can and cannot control

Show links:
Couples Therapy is Not the Answer

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If you are a survivor of domestic violence or narcissistic abuse and will be participating in family court, your relationship with your attorney is paramount to your success.  Many attorneys shy away from domestic violence litigation because it is so difficult.  Ms. Dane, on the other hand, has dedicated her career to helping survivors of violence pursue safety through the court system. She has counseled, represented, and supervised the representation of hundreds of survivors of domestic violence in family law cases.

Rachel shares some helpful tips on how to choose an attorney that will work for you and your case including some questions to ask as you interview possible attorneys and the importance of a strong client/attorney relationship.  She shares her thoughts on changing your attorney during the course of your case and some things to think about before you make that decision.  And she shares some tips to help you through some of the most difficult aspects of family court, including if you have to testify.

In 2010, Ms. Dane graduated fourth in her class from the University of Colorado, Boulder with a degree in Political Science. She then went on to attend the George Washington University Law School in Washington D.C. Starting with her first internship in the summer of 2012, Ms. Dane began counseling survivors of violence on the protection order process. While in D.C. she also interned with the National Network to End Domestic Violence and represented clients through several other prominent DV organizations. After moving back to Colorado, Ms. Dane started her own firm, The Survivors' Legal Institute, focusing on representing survivors in family law cases. She was selected as the Managing Attorney for Safehouse Progressive Alliance's Lawyers for Victims Program and, in 2021, joined the team at Boulder Bridge to Justice.

Show Links:
Boulder Bridge to Justice
Safehouse Progressive Alliance for Nonviolence 

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Communicating with your narcissistic and abusive ex can be excruciating.  And if you share children with them, you are stuck having to maintain contact with them for as long as you have to coparent.  What is the best strategy to protect yourself from negative outcomes in family court and stay sane during the process?

One important step you can take is by communicating with your ex solely through a coparenting app.  And in this episode, I am speaking with Bianca Balogh, the creator of the Peaceful Coparenting Messenger App.  Bianca shares her story as a survivor, her struggles with communicating with her “coparent” through endless family court using a common coparenting app, and why she decided to create a new one.

Bianca shares examples of where she received dozens of messages in a single day to having to comb through the weeds of narcissistic word salad in order to find the one question she needed to respond to and how it took a toll on her mental health and daily functioning.  And from these experiences, she created the different features of the Peaceful Coparenting Messenger App.

Inspired by her own difficult co-parenting journey, Bianca Balogh (BAAL-oh) created Peaceful CoParenting Messenger to help others dealing with her same situation: post-separation abuse in the form of digital communications. She has two sons, ages 6 and 8, and she felt like dysfunctional co-parenting communication with her ex-husband was impacting her quality of life, her happiness as a person and her ability to be the kind of mother she wanted to be. Bianca started the app 3 years ago. Along the way, she's found other people, men and women alike, to be grateful to have a tool that gives users the ability to set communication boundaries with their co-parent... to bring more peace back to their lives.

Show Links:
www.peacefulparentapp.com

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There is this belief that once a woman leaves an abusive relationship that they are finally safe.  This could not be further from the truth.  And this is especially true if you share children with your abuser.  When there is domestic violence or narcissistic abuse, the year after leaving can be the most dangerous time for a survivor.  

Domestic violence is all about one partner gaining and maintaining power and control over the other partner.  This “need” does not end once you escape or are discarded.  And so a new form of hell will begin, Post Separation Abuse.

In this episode, you will learn the many ways in which an abusive ex-partner will attempt to maintain control after a victim has left the relationship including:

• Smear Campaign to further isolate their victim
• Using coercive control to continue to gaslight, criticize, shame, and blame their victim
• Counter Parent to undermine the safe parent
• Abusive or neglectful parenting
• Harassment and stalking (huge red flags for further physical violence)
• Continuing financial abuse by blocking access to funds, refusing to pay bills and child support, and quitting their jobs to limit the amount they owe 
• Using the family court system to further abuse the victim

You will also learn some ways to mitigate these strategies and to start the healing process despite the post separation abuse.

Some of these things are:

• Good documentation
• Self-care that includes therapy
• Creating a safe inner circle of support (making any necessary changes to those in there now)
• Learning how to set and stick with your boundaries
• Getting your children the support they need
• Being very selective of the professionals you have in your corner

Show Links:
Family Court Checklist - https://mailchi.mp/risingbeyondpc/family-court-checklist

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All over the world, women experience domestic violence and other forms of abuse.  And while we may see these issues on the news for a few days when there is a “news-worthy” story, the stories fade into the background and everyone seems to forget.  This is exactly what is happening in Iran today.

In this episode, I have the privilege of speaking with Naz Meknat, a woman who escaped from an abusive relationship and the systemic abuse of women in her home country and has found freedom here in the United States.  Naz shares experiences with the morality police and the lengths she had to go to flee, heal, and now use her voice as an activist to help those women who are silenced.

Naz’s story started 7000 miles away, however, the elements of power and control and abuse are universal.

Naz Meknat, born in Tehran, Iran is a Los Angeles-based fashion stylist and author who has been working in the fashion industry since 2005 with a degree in Fashion from the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising in Los Angeles. As a celebrity stylist, she has worked with celebrities such as Sterling K. Brown, Brian Tyree Henry, Nyambi Nyambi, Camilla Luddington, Jeannie Mai and Tara Reid to name a few. She has also worked on countless editorial photo shoots and ad campaigns. Her work can be seen in publications such as Hollywood Reporter and Variety. In May of 2014 Naz was featured in People Magazine for her beauty, style, and unique story. 

On August 26th, 2021 her first book, 7000 Miles to Freedom, a memoir, was released. 7000 Miles to Freedom is a story of survivorship and triumph, a story about persistence and resilience. Naz is an advocate for Women’s rights and works tirelessly to bring more awareness to Sexual and Domestic violence against women. She actively volunteers in her community serving as a member of non-profit organizations such as Women Helping Women, Live Your Dream, Greater West Hollywood Food Coalition, and Out of the Closet.

Show Links:
https://nazmeknat.com/
https://www.instagram.com/naz_meknat/

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98% of all victims of domestic violence experience financial abuse.  This type of abuse is one of the most significant barriers keeping women from leaving an abusive relationship and one of the many reasons women return to their abusers.

In this week’s episode, I interview Claudia Porter, a survivor who has experienced financial abuse and now assists in supporting financial education and independence as a financial advisor.  Claudia shares her story of how financial abuse was used by her abusive partner and how he appealed the financial award all the way to the supreme court of Oregon.  

Claudia shares her views on the common pitfalls that victims fall into including the more subtle and covert forms of financial abuse.  She also offers first steps on what women who have recently left their abuser can do to get back on their feet financially and how you can best plan for the litigation process in family court. 

Claudia joined Financial Reserve in 2016. She is a Certified Financial Planner™ professional and holds FINRA Series 7 and 66 licenses with Cambridge Investment Research as well as life and health licenses.

Born and raised in Germany, Claudia earned her M.A. in Teaching English and French from Georg-August University of Göttingen, followed by a Ph.D. in Applied Linguistics from Technical University of Braunschweig Carolo-Wilhelmina in Germany. She spent her previous academic career in adult education teaching linguistics and English to international students in both in Germany and the U.S. Prior to joining Financial Reserve, she worked with Merrill Lynch Wealth Management.

Claudia is the mother of four boys, Jack, Leonard, Nicholas, and Harry, with whom she enjoys spending time pursuing outdoor activities, tennis, swimming, biking, fishing, and reading.

Discussions in this show should not be construed as specific recommendations or investment advice. Always consult with your investment professional before making important investment decisions. Securities offered through Cambridge Investment Research, Inc., a registered Broker/Dealer, Member FINRA/SIPC. Advisory services offered through Cambridge Investment Research Advisors, Inc., a Registered Investment Advisor.

Show Links:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/claudia-porter-cfp%C2%AE-a55a6434/

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Domestic Violence is all about having power and control over their partner.  When an abusive partner or an abusive ex-partner feels like they are losing that control over their victim one way they can get that back is by tracking their movements and online activities.  

In this episode, I am going to share a brief overview of some tips and tricks that you can use to protect yourself and your family regarding tech safety.  As a part of The Rising Beyond Community, I hosted Connie Matthews Reynolds, a cybersecurity expert on all things tech safety.  This webinar was recorded for free for you to watch on the Rising Beyond Power and Control YouTube channel (link below) and where I pulled the information from for this episode.  I also participated in another tech safety training webinar that was hosted by Domesticshelters.org which has also informed this episode and I will provide the link to that one as well.

Show Links:
Tech Safety interview with Connie Matthews Reynolds
Domesticshelters.org

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