One of the least talked about forms of abuse is spiritual abuse.  Spiritual abuse is when one person attempts to exert power and control over another person using religion, faith , or beliefs and can be an element of domestic violence, child abuse or elder abuse.  

Danielle and I discuss the systemic nature of spiritual abuse and how it continues within different organizations and allows abusive people a place to hide.  Danielle shares her experiences of spiritual abuse and some steps you can take to become aware if you are experiencing spiritual abuse and how to get out of an abusive situation.

Danielle Patterson is the clinical director of The Patterson Center for Resiliency located in Colorado Springs, Colorado. She holds a Masters of Social Work and is passionate about helping youth and adults overcome trauma. Danielle was previously a youth pastor although has since left the church and helps individuals recognize and overcome spiritual abuse.

You can find Danielle at
www.thepattersoncenter.org

More information about spiritual abuse: https://theallendercenter.org/category/podcast/spiritual-abuse/

BOOK - Let the Children Come: Preparing Faith Communities to End Child Abuse and Neglect by Jeanette Harder:  https://www.amazon.com/Let-Children-Come-Preparing-Communities/dp/0836195183/ref=sr_1_4?crid=3SEMCI41CL8GG&keywords=let+the+children+come+book&qid=1661203239&sprefix=let+the+children+come+boo%2Caps%2C307&sr=8-4

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Something needs to change in your relationship because you can’t go on living like this.  So, you decide to try couples therapy. Unfortunately, this may be the worst thing that you could do if you are experiencing domestic violence or narcissistic abuse.  

In this episode, you will learn why couples therapy is contraindicated if you are in an abusive relationship.  

• The lack of training around domestic violence and narcissistic abuse in the mental health community
• How couples therapy will be used as an arena for further abuse
• How accountability will be shifted from your abusive partner to you
• The ways a couples therapist will be distracted from the power and control dynamics of the relationship

And if you do decide to try couples therapy with your partner, you will get some tips to do this more safely.

Show Links:

Big Little Lies
https://www.hbo.com/big-little-lies

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Would you call yourself a people pleaser? This fourth trauma response, fawning, is extremely common for victims and survivors of domestic violence or narcissistic abuse as a way to stay safer in these relationships.

This trauma response is when you abandon your own needs and sense of self to avoid conflict, criticism, and abuse; over time, you lose your sense of self altogether.

Where does is response come from?

• Relational abuse that happens over time rather than single event trauma
• Experiences in our family of origin
• Our personality traits
• Messages from our culture

You can reverse this type of trauma response by:

• Becoming mindful of your patterns of behaviors 
• Validating your experiences and emotions
• Finding your sense of self and your identity
• Building a safe inner circle of support

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, Peter walker 

https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Pete-Walker-audiobook/dp/B07MK5F3KQ/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1CKU77RWXTAIL&keywords=complex+ptsd+from+surviving+to+thriving&qid=1661195925&sprefix=complex%2Caps%2C179&sr=8-1

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Why does it hurt so much when you are healing from domestic violence and narcissistic abuse?  

Because you are grieving a relationship and a person that was not real.  It was all a scam!  And that is extremely hurtful and there is a lot of shame that goes along with it.

In this episode, we are talking with Cathy Wilson, LPC about how abusive relationships and common scams and healing from them is so similar.  We discuss how the effects and consequences of them is similar, how people in our lives react to the situations are similar, and the similarities of the healing process.

Cathy shares the first steps she uses to support people recovering from being scammed, which can also be used as the first steps to healing from relationship abuse.

Find More About Cathy:
Life Paths Counseling
Scam Survivor Healing Website 
You can also find her new series of videos for scam survivors on YouTube HERE 

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Are you always on edge?  Constantly looking over your shoulder?

Abusive relationships condition our brains to always be on the lookout for danger, keeping our cortisol levels high and exhausting our nervous systems.

In this episode, we will look at the basics of our nervous system and how it has been affected by domestic violence and narcissistic abuse.  Using polyvagal theory, you will learn ways to move out of the fight, flight, and freeze states and into a more safe, secure, and connected state of being.

Check out these links for a deeper understanding of your nervous system and the polyvagal theory.

https://www.risingbeyondpc.com/safeandsound.html
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3108032
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ec3AUMDjtKQ

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Do you still have to have communication with your narcissistic ex?  

It’s likely that if you have children with your abusive ex, you will have to have some form of communication with them until your youngest child is 18 years old or even longer.  And if you are dealing with litigation as a form of post-separation abuse, it is really important that you figure out how best to communicate with your ex so that custody and decision making decisions are not negatively affected.

Tips to communicate with your narcissistic ex:

• Slow…Things…Down
• Stay On Topic
• Use BIFF
• Use the Speckled Rock Technique rather than gray rock
• Write as if your Judge is CC'd 
• Maintain Realistic Expectations
• Ditch the Empathy

Other Helpful Resources:
https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/biff-responses
https://www.onemomsbattle.com/

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In this episode, Alana shares her story of living in narcissistic abuse including the post-separation abuse she is still experiencing today through legal and financial abuse.  We discuss things she would have done differently if she knew what she knows now, including leaving earlier, sharing her experiences with others, not going to couples counseling with her abuser, finding a therapist with specific experience with narcissism, and the playbook of a narcissist in family court.

And, even if you have felt crazy in your relationship and believe the abuse is your fault, you can learn from her mistakes and experience and know that it wasn’t your fault.

You can find Alana and her resources at:

• Alana's book, Was It My Fault? https://amzn.to/3CIMqtO
• Alana's website: https://www.surthrivetribe.com
  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/surthrivetribe and https://www.facebook.com/alanasharpsauthor
  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/surthrivetribe and
  https://www.instagram.com/alanasharps
• Alana's FREE Resources "How to Stop Narcissistic Bullying from a Co-Parent":https://freecoparentingreport.s3.us-east-2.amazonaws.com/5+Secrets+Stop+Narcissist+Bullying.pdf

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Do you feel this extreme pressure to forgive your ex?  

Do you have people tell you that once you forgive them you will finally be able to heal?

How do you forgive someone who continues to abuse you every day and blames you for it?

What if I told you that it is not clinically required to forgive your abusive ex to fully heal?  But that it is required to forgive yourself to fully heal.

In this episode, we break down the three different types of forgiveness: exoneration, forbearance, and release.  We look at which type of forgiveness is best suited for different situations and how you can offer forgiveness to yourself.  Self-forgiveness is necessary to reduce the shame that is negatively impacting your life.


Show Links:
https://dreditheger.com/
http://healmyshame.com/

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Trigger Warning: Domestic Violence in all the ugly tentacles of emotional, sexual, financial, and physical levels of abuse. 

Strong language could be used

Have you shared your story of domestic violence or narcissistic abuse with someone (or many people) and they look at you with disbelief?

Or maybe they say something harmful or ask a harmful question because they believe the myths and misconceptions that are rampant about victims of relationship abuse.

Caroline shares her story of surviving an extremely abusive relationship with things that seem unbelievable and what happens when you are finally believed.  She shares what it takes to heal and to be intentionally fearless as you start to rediscover who you are and deal with the trauma you have experienced.

Contact Caroline at:
MoveMomentsToHealing.com and receive your FREE PDF for how to jumpstart your own healing! 

You can connect with Caroline at: CarolineMarkelHammond.com

You can reach services for people navigating the sadness, worry, lies, screaming, fear and pain of toxic relationships at: SafeInHarmsWay.org

 If your workplace needs assistance in helping employees navigate abuse at home, Epizon Strategy Solutions can help. Contact Caroline for a FREE consultation at: EpizonStrategy.com

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If you fear for your child’s safety when they are at parenting time visits with your narcissistic ex, you are not alone.

You may also feel the frustration of your child coming home with expensive gifts or going on expensive trips, hearing how much fun their other parent is when you are having to manage all the day to day tough parts of parenting.

Even though this is a tough situation, what if I told you that your children are safer if their other parent is a “Disneyland dad?”

If you have to send your child to visit with their other parent who has been abusive, having them take on the “Disneyland dad” role will actually keep them safer based on the needs and desires of a narcissist.  Listen to the discussion to learn why this is safer and ways that you can stomach this horrible dynamic in order to keep your children as safe as you can given the situation.

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