Children need limits and should not be top dog in the family, education consultant Joseph Driessen says. He gives practical tips for working with your child to break a cycle of disobedience.

Children need limits and should not be top dog in the family, education consultant Joseph Driessen says.

Following on from his advice on how to pacify an angry child, he gives practical tips for working with your child to break a cycle of disobedience.

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Listen to Joseph Driessen on Nine to Noon

Habitually disobedient children are protesting a perceived lack of love or reacting to parenting that's either too punitive or too permissive, Driessen says.

A permissive parent usually loves their child intensely - they're reasonable, they talk a lot to the child and ask a lot of questions, but things go wrong with limit-setting, he says.

Often these parents have doubts that they're doing the right thing in setting a limit if it makes the child feel bad.

"The parent is actually committed to a parenting style which assumes the child is able to manage themselves - but that's not true."

When a child is distressed, these parents can react disproportionately and get really distressed themselves.

"They feel so bad that they just want to give in to get rid of the feelings for the children and themselves."

He recommends these parents ask themselves whether it is, in fact, bad when a child feels disappointed or frustrated that they aren't getting their own way.

He says the answer is no; the child needs to feel disappointment and learn how to manage it.

If permissive parenting has allowed a child to attain 'top dog status' in the family, you've got a fight on your hands, Driessen says.

He draws the analogy of a wolf pack, where the average member is friendly and appeasable, especially to the alpha wolves, but the top wolf becomes arrogant, aggressive and audacious.

"Children will do that, as well. If they gain control of the family by saying 'I just refuse', that belongs to a very high-ranking social member, and with that comes a biological approach of anger, defiance, provoking the parent."

Easing your child into a different dynamic could be a three-month or even a six-month project, he says.

The first thing to do when faced with disobedience is try not to react emotionally - "You don't buy into it and you just live with it for a while."

Later, once you and the child are both calm, initiate a casual chat about how your family life works - talk about teamwork and responsibility, he says…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details