In this episode of Thoughts & Prayers, Jess and EDJ reflect on the year that's been and wade into some of the most tender questions facing Christians who are rethinking faith, sex, and dating after purity culture.

Drawing from listener submissions and Christian Reddit threads, they explore what happens when the old rules no longer work. How do you choose a partner without a checklist? What does consent look like in Christian dating? Is celibacy still meaningful if it's chosen freely rather than enforced by shame? And how do you stay anchored in faith while deconstructing long-held beliefs?

The conversation moves between personal stories, cultural critique, and pastoral honesty. Jess and EDJ unpack how purity culture shaped women's bodies, desire, and self-worth, including the overlap between sexual repression and diet culture, modesty, and shrinking oneself to feel "safe." They talk candidly about dating privilege, power dynamics in church spaces, and why "waiting for the right one" can sometimes be a way of avoiding real connection.

The episode also addresses grief and solidarity in the wake of violence, reflecting on the Bondi attack and the courage and humanity displayed in its aftermath. As always, Thoughts & Prayers closes with a communal prayer, holding space for listeners wherever they find themselves on their faith journey.

This episode is for anyone navigating Christian dating after purity culture, wrestling with deconstruction without wanting to lose their faith, or trying to rebuild a sexual ethic rooted in consent, agency, and love rather than fear.

Topics include:

• Christian dating after purity culture

• Consent, agency, and sexual ethics

• Celibacy as choice vs obligation

• Deconstruction without deconversion

• Dating privilege and power in church spaces

• Purity culture, diet culture, and women's bodies

• Faith, grief, and communal prayer

This Christmas Eve, we're unwrapping a special gift for everyone.

Normally, our Rom-Com Recaps are exclusive to our Patreon partners, but for December we're sharing this one on the main feed as a thank-you and a holiday treat.

In this episode, Jess is joined by Bri from our Patreon community to recap and unpack Happiest Season. The 2020 holiday rom-com starring Kristen Stewart and Mackenzie Davis set out to be a festive queer love story, but left many viewers divided.

We dive into:

• The central relationship between Abby and Harper and why it frustrated us more than it warmed our hearts

• The emotional cost of closeting a partner and where consent breaks down

• Why Dan Levy's character delivers the most honest moment in the entire film

• The chemistry that arguably should have changed the ending

• Whether this movie was made for queer audiences or about them

• How family pressure, image management, and unspoken expectations shape holiday dynamics

This conversation goes beyond a simple movie review. We talk honestly about coming out, family roles, emotional labour, and why "happily ever after" sometimes feels unearned.

If you love rom-coms, have complicated feelings about Christmas, or have ever watched a holiday movie and thought "wait… this isn't actually okay," this episode is for you.

🎁 A Christmas gift from us to you. Enjoy.

For access to the RomCom Recap of Saved! simply sign up as a free or paid member at patreon.com/wheredowegopod

Summary: In this episode of No Hard Feelings, Jess, Emily, and Kristen take on one of the most timeless questions for Christians navigating doubt and deconstruction: Can you question your beliefs without losing your faith?

Jess shares reflections from making I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye with Joshua Harris and a recent conversation with her boss who's struggling not to "throw the baby out with the bathwater." Emily walks us through James Fowler's Stages of Faith Development and Kohlberg's Moral Development, offering a developmental lens for understanding why deconstruction can actually be a sign of growth rather than loss. Kristen brings warmth and honesty to the emotional fallout of leaving evangelical spaces, exploring how community, inclusion, and re-reading Scripture through a "Jesus lens" can help rebuild faith on new foundations.

Together, the trio asks: What is the "baby" we're trying to keep? Is it Jesus? Love? Mystery? The creeds? And can we learn to hold uncertainty as a form of faith itself?

Timestamps: 00:00 — Intro: What even is the baby and the bathwater? 04:00 — Jess on Joshua Harris, Josephine Butler, and modern deconstruction 13:00 — Emily explains Fowler's Stages of Faith and what they reveal about deconstruction 30:00 — Where we are now: bouncing between Stage 4 and 5 35:00 — Kristen's story of leaving church and finding belonging again 48:00 — So what is the baby? Defining what's worth holding onto 57:00 — Ancient creeds, mystery, and rediscovering Jesus 1:02:00 — Closing reflections: curiosity, courage, and faith that grows up

Links Mentioned:

• I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye documentary

• James Fowler, Stages of Faith (1981) https://www.ngumc.org/files/fileslibrary/james+fowlers+stages+of+faith.pdf

• "Religious Deconstruction: The Process, Themes, and Psychosocial Dynamics…" (academic dissertation) https://www.proquest.com/openview/ba405ff9b1a90e17f43a39de1ddf40b3/1?pq-origsite=gscholar&cbl=18750&diss=y

• Josephine Butler biography (When Courage Calls by Sarah C. Williams)

• Patreon community: patreon.com/wheredowegopod

Keywords for SEO: faith deconstruction, Fowler stages of faith, Joshua Harris, evangelical deconstruction, progressive Christianity, exvangelical podcast, Christian faith development, Kohlberg moral development, losing faith, reconstructing faith, deconstruction without deconversion, No Hard Feelings podcast

In this special interview, EDJ sits down with writer and cultural critic Anna Rollins, author of Famished, to talk about the haunting overlap between purity culture, diet culture, and the ways women learn to shrink themselves — in body, desire, and voice.

With honesty and nuance, Anna speaks about her own story, the systems that shaped her, and the practices she's now reclaiming. This is an episode for anyone who grew up equating holiness with self-erasure, or who has ever sensed that controlling the body is often a proxy for controlling sexuality, worthiness, and belonging.

In this conversation, we explore:

✨ The shared logic between purity culture and diet culture — and why both teach women that their bodies are a threat ✨ How thinness, obedience, and "good girl" energy become spiritualised ✨ Anna's journey through disordered eating and recovery ✨ Why evangelical spaces often reward self-denial but punish desire ✨ The shame-fear cycle that forms when food, sex, and worth collapse into each other ✨ How Anna rebuilt a relationship with her body, appetite, and autonomy ✨ The theological stories that keep harmful systems alive — and the better ones that can replace them

EDJ and Anna also dig into the deeper question this podcast always circles back to: What happens when we stop starving ourselves — physically, spiritually, and emotionally — and start living as whole people?

⚠️ Content warning: This episode includes discussion of diet culture, disordered eating, and a reference to sexual assault. Take care of yourself as you listen.

In Part 4 of our On Premarital Sex series, Jess and Devi wrap up the conversations that have taken over your DMs and headphones all month long. After exploring progressive sexual ethics with Mathias Roberts, vocational celibacy with Peter Valk and Dr. Dani Treweek, and abstinence as a chosen path, this final episode brings everything together.

This is the debrief: ✨ What the history of contraception has to do with Christian sexual ethics today ✨ Why the church's teachings rarely match the actual behaviour of Christians ✨ Staggering data on premarital sex among churchgoing Christians ✨ How purity culture still shapes even our "deconstructed" ethics ✨ Why a one-size-fits-all sexual ethic has never really existed ✨ How listeners describe their experiences of pressure, shame, freedom, and discernment

Jess shares vulnerably about realising she had carried old purity-culture assumptions about sex into her adult Christian life — even long after "deconstructing." Devi traces how the invention of reliable contraception changed human sexuality forever, and why these shifts make blanket church rules harder to justify.

You'll also hear how the early church understood celibacy (hint: it simply meant "unmarried"), why the Reformation reshaped the entire Western view of singleness, and how modern Christians are reclaiming celibacy, abstinence, and ethical sexuality in wildly diverse ways.

In Part 3 of our most-downloaded series On Premarital Sex, Jess and Debbie return to the conversation that shaped so much of this podcast's early years: How do you make sexual decisions when you've left purity culture behind?

This episode features psychotherapist and author Mathias Roberts (Beyond Shame), who helps us unpack:

✨ Why "premeditation" isn't sinful — and why preparing (with protection, consent, communication) is essential for safety and flourishing. ✨ A harm-based definition of sexual sin that moves beyond black-and-white rules. ✨ Why sex without vulnerability becomes self-serving, and how discernment matters more than behaviour policing. ✨ How purity culture taught us to ignore our bodies, and why learning your own anatomy and emotional cues is part of sexual integrity. ✨ How Christians can use discernment, agency, and self-knowledge to make decisions about sex that align with their values, not fear. ✨ Why boundaries shift in healthy relationships, and how to navigate that without shame. ✨ Listener stories on abstinence, boundary-setting, trust, and dating outside the purity-culture mindset.

Jess and Debbie also speak frankly about the disconnect between what churches teach and what Christians actually do — including staggering stats showing high rates of premarital sex among regular churchgoers.

This episode doesn't tell you what to do. Instead, it gives you information, tools, and frameworks to help you make thoughtful, grounded decisions — with God, community, your therapist, and your own wisdom.

For more, listen to our Patreon-only episode where Jess and Debbie unpack Mathias' Four Paradoxes of Sex. Join us at wheredowegopod.com/partner

In Part 2 of our most-downloaded series On Premarital Sex, Jess and Debbie turn the conversation toward the other side of the sexual ethics spectrum: celibacy.

After exploring progressive sexual ethics with Mathias Roberts in Part 1, this episode asks a different set of questions:

• What does celibacy really mean?

• How is celibacy different from abstinence?

• Can celibacy be a dignified, intentional Christian calling—not just the default for "other people"?

• And what does celibacy look like for straight Christians, queer Christians, divorced Christians, widows, and everyone in between?

Jess and Debbie speak with two remarkable guests:

A licensed professional counsellor, director of Equip, and co-founder of the Nashville Family of Brothers—a Christian brotherhood for men called to vocational singleness. Peter shares:

• What vocational celibacy is (and isn't)

• How he discerned his call

• Why celibacy can be an expression of sexuality, not a suppression

• How celibate Christians cultivate intimacy and family

• Why discernment should be part of every Christian's vocational life

Theologian, Anglican deacon, and director of Single Minded. Dani reframes celibacy through church history and Scripture:

• The difference between lifelong celibacy and present-moment abstinence

• How Western Christianity lost its theological grounding for singleness

• Why celibacy is a fully human expression of sexuality

• The grief, ambiguity, contentment, and spiritual depth involved in choosing abstinence

• How eschatology ("we will be like the angels") changes everything

Together, these conversations reimagine celibacy as beautiful, purposeful, communal, and deeply Christian—not a failure, not a holding pattern, not an afterthought.

You'll also hear listener stories on abstinence, asexuality, unexpected celibacy, and why some Christians feel more freechoosing sexual abstinence after leaving purity culture.

✨ PLUS: A bonus Patreon-only episode where Peter and Dani go deeper into monastic rhythms, family beyond the nuclear norm, and the theology shaping their choices. Join us at wheredowegopod.com/partner

• Equip Your Community – Peter Valk

• Nashville Family of Brothers

• Dani Treweek — Single Minded Ministry

• Dani's doctoral work: The End of Singleness

• Marriage, A History – Stephanie Coontz

• Beth Allison Barr, The Making of Biblical Womanhood

• Survey link for the upcoming listener episode on premarital sex (anonymous submission)

In this re-release of one of our most downloaded series, Jess and Debbie revisit a conversation listeners return to again and again: What does a Christian sexual ethic look like after purity culture—especially when it comes to premarital sex?

Joined by psychotherapist and author Mathias Roberts (Beyond Shame), Jess explores the shift many Christians face when leaving the purity culture framework behind. If you've ever wondered:

• How do I make sexual decisions without the old rulebook?

• What counts as "sexual sin" if I don't use purity-culture categories?

• How do I navigate shame, desire, and discernment?

• What does open, healthy communication look like when dating or considering sex?

…this episode is for you.

Mathias unpacks the role of shame, the paradoxes of sex, how to discern your own ethics, and why "What do I actually want?" is a surprisingly essential spiritual question. Jess shares candidly about her own late-in-life first kiss and the untangling that followed.

You'll also hear real listener advice about navigating dating, boundaries, and sex after purity culture — from Christians just like you who are rebuilding their sexual and relational lives with honesty and hope.

Whether you're dating, single, celibate, married, queer, questioning, or somewhere in the messy middle, this episode offers tools rooted in self-knowledge, faith, and compassion.

✨ Part 2 on reimagining celibacy is coming next month ✨ Hear our Patreon-only deep dive on Mathias' "Four Paradoxes of Sex" at wheredowegopod.com/partner

• Beyond Shame by Mathias Roberts

• MathiasRoberts.com

• Instagram: @mathiasroberts

In this episode of Where Do We Go From Here?, Jessica sits down with somatic sexologist Lydia Adéla to explore how embodiment, safety, and self-awareness can transform our experience of sexuality.

Lydia shares her journey from believing she was "broken" and unable to feel pleasure, to becoming a practitioner who helps others reconnect to their bodies and experience intimacy without shame. Together, Jessica and Lydia unpack how religious conditioning, purity culture, and unrealistic media portrayals shape our sexual disconnection—and how we can begin to heal.

This is a powerful and grounding conversation for anyone learning to listen to their body again and move from performance to presence.

In this episode:

• Why pleasure is a learnable skill and not something we're "born good at"

• How shame, modesty culture, and disembodiment block arousal and connection

• The role of safety, breath, and sensory awareness in rediscovering pleasure

• Why orgasm isn't the end goal—and how slowing down brings deeper intimacy

• What somatic sexology and body-based healing can teach us about faith, freedom, and love

Resources Mentioned:

• Lydia Adéla's website

• Bonnie Bliss — Somatic Sexuality Educator Training

• The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire

• Redeeming Sex by Debra Hirsch

Keywords: Lydia Adéla, somatic sexology, embodiment, sexual shame, purity culture, Christian sexuality, faith and the body, orgasm gap, consent, pleasure education, sexual healing, women and faith, Jessica Vanderwyngaard

In this month's Thoughts & Prayers, Jess and EDJ dive into what's been stirring in our community conversations — from purity-culture myths about "saving sex for marriage" to what it means to reclaim feminine wisdom in a patriarchal church.

The hosts reflect on the latest No Hard Feelings discussion about abstinence and sexual compatibility, explore how our theology has shaped women's bodies and pleasure, and unpack insights from Edie J's interview with Angela J Harrington, author of Embracing the Odd Witch in the Woods.

They also take listener questions from Reddit — tackling Christian dating, women initiating relationships, and setting boundaries with partners navigating addiction.

And, as always, the episode closes with a moment of prayer in the spirit of the Anglican Prayers of the People, holding space for our world, our bodies, and our courage to question.

In this episode:

• Does abstinence before marriage really equal better sex?

• Re-educating ourselves about desire, consent & female anatomy

• Deconstructing patriarchy and reclaiming feminine wisdom

• Addiction, boundaries, and compassionate love

• Women leading with courage in politics & faith communities

• A prayer for grace in uncertainty and hope in the waiting

Keywords: purity culture, Christian sexuality, feminist theology, Angela Harrington, deconstruction podcast, consent education, female embodiment, patriarchy in the church, women's leadership, deconstruction and faith, Where Do We Go From Here podcast

• Angela J. Herrington — Website: angelajherrington.com angelajherrington.com+1

• Angela Herrington — Book: Embracing the Old Witch in the Woods: Liberating Feminine Wisdom from Christian Patriarchy by Angela J. Herrington Google Books

• Sheila Wray Gregoire — Bare Marriage blog/article: "Are Obligation Sex and Marital Rape the Same Thing?" Bare Marriage

• France legal reform on consent — Article: "France's Assemblée Nationale backs bill adding consent to rape law" (Le Monde) lemonde.fr+1