Imaginary friends - why do kids have them and what do they mean? We're still not quite sure, psychologist Sarb Johal tells Kathryn Ryan, but it's very common and usually nothing parents should worry about.

Imaginary friends - why do kids have them and what do they mean?

We're still not quite sure, psychologist Sarb Johal tells Kathryn Ryan, but it's very common and usually nothing parents should worry about.

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Listen to Sarb Johal on Nine to Noon

Up to 45 percent of children have an imaginary friend at some point, Johal says, most often appearing at 2 or 3 years old when the child begins imaginary play. These friendships usually peak around age 7 and linger till 9 or 10 or a bit longer.

Once, people thought it was harmful, suggesting social deficit, mental illness or even possession. More recently, people have attributed it to loneliness.

It seems imaginary friends serve different functions for different kids, Johal says, and a good starting point for thinking about these is self-determination theory, which says humans have three core psychological needs:

Autonomy: " 'There are lots of people telling me who I am. I'm going to create a story I have more control over."

Competence: Teaching the imaginary friend or showing them something can give this sense

Connectedness: Helping out the imaginary friend or being helped by them in social situations

If your child has an imaginary friend, don't problematise it too much and look at what their specific personal motivation might be, he says.

"What are the emotions around that and why are those emotions occurring?"

To support your child, it's helpful to offer up 'descriptive commentary' of what their imaginary friend is up to - repeating back what they tell you, Johal says.

Don't interrogate them too carefully about the details, though, as kids can get defensive.

Be careful not to let the child use the friend as an excuse for misbehaviour or unreasonable demands.

Creating a special meal for an imaginary friend, for example, is too much, Johal says.

"We don't want to bend over backwards to allow the child to use this as a method of control in a family situation."

If an imaginary friend is still around after the age of 10, it may indicate the child is struggling to make real friendships, he says.

Yet on the flip side, kids who have them seem more skilled at perspective-taking (perceiving a situation from an alternative point of view) and social interaction.

"We don't know whether they have imaginary relationships because they're good at that already or whether it develops as a result of having imaginary friends."…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details