In this continuation of our discussion on trauma bonding from last week, we’re bringing a second topic into the mix: over-functioning.

Over-functioning in relationships is a pattern where one person tends to take on all the thoughts, feelings, and responsibilities for both people in the relationship. It’s a way of establishing a sense of control – a common result in cases of trauma bonding where the balance of control is disproportionate.

A lot of times we miss the signs of over-functioning, particularly within relationships in recovery, because we don’t really see that it’s not healthy. It can be tricky to identify if you’re a natural caregiver. We think that’s how we should be functioning, or we may use it as a way to manage (ie: avoid) our own feelings.

So how do you move forward once you recognize patterns of over-functioning in yourself?

We’re going to tackle a hard topic for our 100th episode today: trauma bonding. Many women don’t realize they’re either in trauma bonds themselves or they know someone who is. It’s a lot more prevalent than most of us expect. Let’s get some clarity around the term ‘trauma bonding’ and what it means, so we can better understand our relationships and experiences.

What is a trauma bond?

To quote Jourdan Travers, LCSW, “Trauma bonds are the attachments we have with our abusers. It's when we have fond feelings or miss individuals who have abused us because we've developed a connection to them. One minute things are good, and then the next, they're not.”

It's possible to become trauma bonded to a parent or any other person in your life. But our focus is on trauma bonding in romantic relationships.

There are so many nuances and complications around this topic. But we want this episode to serve as a starting point for you to get curious about your own experiences, and decide if and how you want to create different experiences moving forward.

So many of us, mostly women, have a really hard time with loving their bodies. The world tends to work against us as well- even if well intended, many messages are offering this idea that our bodies are not ok and they need to be different. Many feel they have the wrong body or something is wrong with their body. We are constantly judging our bodies against others’ and now days, against social media.

Today Amie shares 7 tools to help you lean into loving your body again, or perhaps for the first time!

~Getting To The Root

~Tapping Into Intuition- Trusting Your Gut

~Letting It Flow- Emotions

~Personal Empowerment- Ignite the Fire Within

~Expand The Heart- Choosing Love

~Having A Voice- Know Your Truth

~Connection- Access Your Higher Self

Connecting with your body is such beautiful work and I invite each of you to lean into this work, intentionally. To help you further your healing in this area, I will be hosting a live workshop for those who really want to dive deeper into this for themselves. Join the interest list by clicking the link below.

https://www.chooserecoveryservices.com/body-love-class/

FREE YSA Webinar Registration- August 30th!!

When you have your next out-of-body experience of watching yourself scream at your kids, instead of waiting until they’re asleep to cry or sneak in their bedroom to hug them and kiss them and feel so much guilt…

What if you gave yourself permission for mistakes and do-overs as a parent?

What if we could make a mess and have the privilege of cleaning up our mess?

Sometimes we show up in a way that we wish we could do over. It’s inevitable - we’re not perfect. Particularly as you progress through the stages of healing after infidelity, it can feel like every mistake is the end of the world.

But there are ways to have healthy do-overs with your children and even your partner - when you make the conscious decision to learn to show up differently. We’re joined in conversation today by Luke Gordon, whose story of recovery has been so powerful, and who has done the work to show up as a strong parent willing to heal the parent-child relationship.

The Power of Processing and How It Can Help You Move Through Betrayal Trauma

How do you know if you’re doing the work it takes to heal? One big aspect of doing the work and healing is learning to process what's happening and allowing yourself to feel all your feelings.

But there can be some confusion about what that actually looks like - especially when it comes to processing versus venting. We're going to cover the main differences between the two, and how knowing these differences will keep you out of unhealthy patterns and progressing toward healing from betrayal trauma.

We know how important it is as a parent to connect with your child in order to establish a healthy attachment, create safety, and encourage them to talk to you when they’re facing unhealthy issues or addictions.

So when it’s your partner that’s struggling with sexual addiction, it’s common to blame their parents or be frustrated with their parents, looking for justice or validation for the issues you’re now facing.

We’re taking this opportunity to talk about some of the common thoughts our brains offer when we’re feeling threatened, when we’re facing sexual addiction or progressing through the stages of healing after infidelity, and shed some light on new ways to interpret the impact of the relationship between us and our partner’s parents.

A question that comes up a lot in our women’s groups dealing with sexual addiction is, “Should I be talking to my kids about this?” And experts are divided on this question.

Which just goes to show - every situation is incredibly nuanced.

We're giving you some points to consider about sharing with your kids, but since every situation is different, there’s no universal checklist (we know - it sucks). And because we can’t speak to every possible situation in one conversation, we’re talking in broad, general terms. We highly recommend working with a therapist or coach to navigate your particular situation.

Remember to enter your topic idea for Amie and Alana's 100th episode! What would you love to hear them discuss? Email your suggestion, and if you want on-air credit for your topic being chosen, then please indicate with your submission! Okay - get thinking and send your topic to [email protected]

As much as we may want to, we can’t protect our kids from everything. They’re going to see porn, and their bodies are going to react, but they need to know it doesn’t mean they’re bad or wrong. Our job as parents is to bring these issues out into the open, talk about them, and not let them hide away to become a source of shame.

Talking to your kids about porn can be tough. But no matter how old your kids are, having conversations around sexuality is important. Just know: you don’t have to know everything and have all the answers immediately.

Today's conversation will show you how to communicate openly and effectively about healthy sexuality using the tools and resources from our conversation.

Want support navigating your own journey? Check out our coaches here at CHOOSE RECOVERY SERVICES

Up and coming courses:

Dating After Divorce- August 26th-28th

Young Single Adult Dating and Self Empowerment Course- September 11th

Believing In You Group Coaching Program - August 10th 

Resources we discussed in todays episode and for your consideration:

Good Pictures, Bad Pictures

Very Well Family

Defend Young Minds

Fight The New Drug

Jennifer Finlayson Fife

In this episode of Choose To Be, we’re walking you through some simple tools and how to respond when you discover your kids are looking at porn.

In this day and age, with the sexually saturated culture we have, our kids will be exposed to pornography.  So when that happens, how are we going to respond? What will that look like?

We are giving you the tools to handle this situation when it comes up, whether your child comes to you with questions or disclosures or you discover the behavior yourself.

Some topics we cover today:

If you are suffering from betrayal trauma and want to know what your next step is, book a free consultation with us to find what is best for you and your needs. Your path to healing awaits.

Please leave a review on APPLE PODCAST so we can reach more men and women who are looking for tools to choose recovery and choose healing

We referenced Matt Fradd today, you can check out his talk HERE

Fight The New Drug Resource 

Amie and Alana address the issue of when your spouse or ex is emotionally hurting your children or disappointing them over and over and over, and the impact that has on your children and on you.

A lot of big feelings come up when you see something affecting your children, and this can be a particularly difficult situation.  Addiction makes it really difficult to connect with other humans, including your kids.

You want to protect them, and you’re also trying to repair the relationship that could still be causing them pain.

When there is this level of conflict in a marriage, all kids are going to be impacted.  They’ve already been impacted.  They feel it.  Rather than trying to protect our kids from this (which probably isn’t even possible), we can offer them the space to feel the feelings that are showing up.

Some topics we cover today:

If you are suffering from betrayal trauma and want to know what your next step is, book a free consultation with us to find what is best for you and your needs. Your path to healing awaits.

Please leave a review on APPLE PODCAST so we can reach more men and women who are looking for tools to choose recovery and choose healing