Conversations About Divorce

Nobody likes to talk about their debts and it's often the hardest part of negotiations in divorce.

Too often, one spouse didn't realize the extent of the debt or perhaps there's always been conflct because one party is a spender and the other is a saver. Perhaps both spouses knew about the debt but didn't really pay attention to it because, well, life was grand, the money was coming in, and borrowing for a second car or a vacation was part of the plan. It was all going to work out.

But then it doesn't work out and divorce happens. That means you have to confront reality.

Can the debt be paid off?

Who should take which debts?

Who can afford to pay back the debt?

How all that happens depends on circumstances for the debt in the first place and the type of debt it is - credit card debt is different from car loan debt is different from 401(k) debt is different from student loan debt. You get the picture?

Ugh. But you don't have to figure it yourself! Joining Mandy for this Conversation is financial guru, Lili Vasileff. Lili's latet book is Money & Divorce: The Essential Roadmap To mastering Financial Decisions (available on Amazon).

Sounding complicated? You'll find a handy synopsis over at Mandy's blog, Since My Divorce.

Compensation issues in divorce may be more common than you would expect. They often come up in connection with spousal support or alimony and when it comes to things like stock options and deferred compensation arrangements, the division of marital assets is impacted.

The questions that come from different compensation arrangements are frequently confusing and complex and even the recipients often don't fully understand what they have. So if you're the divorcing spouse what are you supposed to do? How will you figure this out and how will you handle it them in your divorce?

It might be tempting to ignore them or accept your STBX's position that they have no current value but that's not the answer. Do that and you'll likely end up with a divorce agreement you'll later regret or second guess.

In this Conversation, we're going to tackle some of the more common challenges and help you identify the questions you need to ask.

Joining Mandy for this Conversation is Michael Wayland, assistant professor of business at Methodist University and a mediator with Christian Divorce Services. During the show, Michael references a stock option value calculator. You can find that Black Scholes calculator here.

Remember to check Mandy's Since My Divorce blog for a synopsis of the common compensation issues in divorce.

There have been numerous studies finding that divorce increases the risk of suicide and that risk is much higher for men than for women. While the marriage maybe ending, suicide is not the outcome most people want.

How do you respond if you start to discuss divorce and your spouse starts talking about suicide?

What do you do if it's you whose having suicidal thoughts?

And maybe even more difficult to deal with, what if your child starts to talk about just wanting to be done?

Should the divorce be put on hold or do you push ahead? Is the threat of divorce reason to stay married?

Joining Mandy for this important Conversation, is fellow divorce coach Martha Bodyfelt. Read more about Martha's work at her website, SurvivingYourSplit.com and sign up for Martha's free divorce survival guide.

Important resources for suicide prevention: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline,  Suicide.org, Veterans Crisis Line and Man Therapy.

Visit mandy's blog at SinceMyDivorce.com for a synopsis of this show and more guidance on coping with divorce.

Whether you are using attorneys or not, to get started on your divorce, you will have to gather all of your financial information and share it with your spouse (and vice versa). Many people, inadvertently skip this step and jump straight into discussions about who's going to keep the house and how other assets should be divided. That's not smart and it can lead to deadlocks and breakdowns in the negotiations. You'll also be making life-changing decisions with incomplete information.

Yet, when people do start gathering this information, frequently it's overwhelming and confusing so they put it off and procrastinate.

The reality however is that the sooner you do this, the better it is for you. You'll have a much more accurate assessment of the financial impact of divorce on your lifestyle, you'll have more clarity, more certainty and be in a better position to make the decisions that are right for you.

So what financial information are we talking about? Where do you start? How do you value different assets? And what can you learn from different documents?

Joining Mandy for this Conversation are financial advisors, David Chwalek and Renee Senes who are co-authors of the book, Money & Divorce: Costly Mistakes You Don't Want To Make.

Check out Mandy's blog, Since My Divorce for a synopsis of the show. Visit the Insitute for Divorce Financial Analysts to find a CDFA near you.

The new tax bill has lots of changes that impact people getting divorced and while there's been plenty of media coverage of the changes, that coverage has been short on the divorce related details and specifics such as the tax year in which changes take effect or reminders about changes that will revert in 2026.

Understanding these changes is important for anyone negotiating a divorce settlement and especially important if you started those negotiations last year. What makes this even more critical is that most of the time, once your settlement agreement becomes a court order, you are done. There are no do-overs and your STBX is not going to renegotiate something just because you didn't understand the impact of the new tax law.

Thankfully, we do not have to wade through the bill itself to learn about the changes. We can turn to experts for that and one of those experts is Michael Wayland, assistant professor at Methodist University who is also a mediator. Wayland has written a white paper on the impacts of the new tax bill on divorce and joins Mandy to discuss his White Paper in this Conversation.

You'll find a synopsis of this Conversation at Mandy's Since My Divorce blog.

Businesses come in all shapes and sizes. If the business is making money, then it's pretty obvious that there's going to be a discussion about how that business should be valued and divided in divorce and there's rarely one answer to that.

If the business isn't making any money, then a common mistake is thinking that it can be ignored. It can't. You may still need to discuss compensation for the startup expenses and you'll definitely want protection from future debts and liabilities.

Joining Mandy to discuss this complicated area is Chicago-based divorce adviser, attorney, mediator and coach, Karen Covy. Karen has a free divorce toolkit available for download at her website.

Looking for a transscript? Visit Mandy's blog for a synopsis of this conversation and more essential information to help you make the best decisions for you.

If you're working on your marriage, trying to save your relationship, then you need to create a post-nuptial agreement. The communication that goes into creating one of these agreements means that your relationship could be transformed in a meaningful and lasting way. If it doesn't create lasting change, then the agreement could make your divorce much. much easier and significantly less expensive.

Joining Mandy for this Conversation is attorney Tom Gardiner, author of The Post Nup Solution: How To Save A Marriage In Crisis Or End It Fairly. (Available on Amazon) Tom is a business attorney who has created many partner and sharehold agreements which involve many hours with the parties planning out the future and how to handle what-ifs. "But with the most important relationship, the spousal relationship, people don't do that," said Gardiner. "If corporate clients can do this, why can't couples?"

Listen in to learn what goes into a post-nup, how you can create your own and how it might help you in divorce. If you're looking for synopsis, check out Mandy's Since My Divorce blog.

The Holidays are tough no matter where you are in the divorce process. And while you may feel like skipping them altogether, they are hard to avoid. Everywhere you go, there's a message about the holidays that hits you - on T.V., on the radio, at the grocery store, at work, in your neighborhood, at your kid's school .... There's no escape.

So what are you supposed to do? Is there a way to change your thinking and instead of dreading them, embrace the holidays so you actually have fun and enjoy yourself?

Yes! And you might be surprised at how some simple strategies can shift your thinking. Joining Mandy for this Conversation is divorce coach Martha Bodyfelt. Martha is a regular contributor to Mandy's blog, Since My Divorce and has also created an online course, How To Actually Love The Holidays Again. 

Remember to visit Mandy's blog for a synopsis of this Conversation and previous Converations.

Pets are an integral part of daily life for many families. They're often seen and treated as family members. So when it comes to divorce, deciding what happens to the pets can be every bit as contentious as deciding how to co-parent together.

While couples may want to create a plan for sharing, in the vast majority of places in the U.S. the law still treats pets as property. That means if you can't come to your own agreement, then a judge will decide what happens to the pets following the same rules that apply to other property such as a car, a lawn mower or artwork.

This becomes an even harder challenge when there are children involved who see the pets as theirs and want the pets to follow the same co-parenting schedule as them, moving between two homes.

And, of course, because this is divorce, there's fear and hurt feelings and pets do get used as leverage in negotiations, manipulation, and power and control.

Ugh. So what do you need to know so you can craft the agreement that a judge can't?

Joining Mandy for this Conversation is attorney Jessica Leischner from the Washington D.C. law firm of Wade, Grimes, Friedman. Meinken and Leischner. Visit their website to download their free divorce guides covering topics such as mediation, collaborative divorce and divorce for members of the military.

You'll find a synopsis of this Conversation at Mandy's blog, Since My Divorce.

Almost everyone getting divorced these days goes online for help, whether that's looking for information to help avoid using attorneys or for emotional support. Nobody is relying solely on what their attorney tells them.

The good news is that there is a ton of information and resources available now. The bad news is that some of these could harm you more than help you. So what are the pitfalls of going online? What are the risks? How can you tell which sources are trustworthy and dependable and which sources should you steer clear of? What are the redflags you should be watching for?

Joining Mandy for this show is Gregory Frank, co-founder of Divorce Force, one of the premier online communities committed to connecting and empowering those affected by divorce. Frank is an advocate of taking advantage of everything the Internet has to offer but cautions people to be smart. "The good news is that there are so many capabilities and so much information that you can obtain online that it's a phenomenal place to start."

Remember to check out Mandy's blog, Since My Divorce,  for a synopsis of the show.