Conversations About Divorce

Ending your marriage means not only renegotiating your relationship with your spouse but also with your children. Reorganizing your family creates the opportunity for improving your relationship with your children. Sometimes it happens organically and sometimes it's more of a conscious decision. 

Sometimes, being a better parent is forced onto you like when you have parenting time and you're the only adult in the house. You're in charge and there's no falling back on your other parent. There's less opportunity to hide or cover up your mistakes, and we do all make them. Are you going to step up or just carry on as you were?

Sometimes, being in two households creates the freedom and the opportunity to craft your own parenting philosophy. While being closely aligned with your ex on parenting may make it easier, when that alignment conflicts with your personal beliefs, you can choose to follow your own style. That means you can be more authentic, you can hold true to your values and you can pass those on.

Sometimes, the real gem in two households is that you end up with more one-on-one time with your child and that means plenty of opportunity to deepen your connection.

Paul Ross, author of How To Profit From Your Divorce, has written about he discovered a new relationship with his daughter after his divorce and says, it was a relationship that was hidden during the 25 years of his marriage and may not have developed if he'd stayed married. Ross joins me for this episode of Conversations About Divorce.

You'll find a synposis of this conversation at my blog, Since My Divorce.

Blending a family is a huge, complex topic and this is only going to scratch the surface ... if you are dating again, thinking about getting married again then you're going to need to help your children adjust to your remarriage.

We know that second marriages are not easy. The U.S. Census Bureau in 2006 found that 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. It seems that third marriages are even harder, ending in divorce about 70 percent of the time.

Experts cite a number of reasons for this one of which is that the children can be a destabilizing factor. For example, you'll almost certainly find differences in parenting styles, challenges with discipline, problems getting the children to get along with each other and obstacles to coordinating parenting schedules.

There are however plenty of people who have successfully blended families so don't get discouraged. Instead, ask what you can do to help your child see your new spouse and their children as a positive addition to your family.

Author Maria Ashworth knows the challenges first hand. She remarried about nine years ago when her two children were aged eight and nine. Her second husband had five children, from two previous marriages, ranging in ages from two to 21. Based on her own experience, Ashworth's latest book is Step One, Step Two, Step Three and Four  (available on Amazon) and is designed for children aged between four and eight to help reassure them that in spite of the changes, a blended family can be worth it.

Ashworth joins Mandy Walker for this episode to discuss what you can do to help your child see a blended family as positive. If you'd like to read a synopsis of this episode, please hop over to Mandy's blog, Since My Divorce.

Your divorce is about you and your spouse ending your marriage but how you do this and how you parent with your STBX after your divorce will have a profound impact on your child no matter their age. One thing you can be sure of: your divorce WILL make your child anxious.

One challenge is that your child may not express their true feelings to you and even if they do tell you it's no big deal because most of their friends' parents are divorced, or that they understand that life may be better, the change in circumstances is going to cause them some anxiety.

So if your child isn't talking, how do you recognize that they are anxious?

Is there a difference between the child who has had a history of anxiety and the child who has up until the divorce appeared to be care-free?

Is it just a matter of giving them time to adapt and get used to the new family structure or do children do better with more proactive interventions?

Joining me for this Conversations About Divorce is Bonnie Zucker, Psy. D, one of the nation's leading experts in the treatment of childhood anxiety. Zucker is the author of Anxiety-Free Kids: An Interactive Guide For Parents And Children.

Want to know more about Parenting and Divorce? Check out Mandy's free audio download.

Extra-marital affairs are not unusual - some studies have found that some 60 percent of married partners report having engaged in affairs. Some spouses do reconcile and recover from infidelity and may even report a stronger, closer relationship. There are some affairs however, where the exiting spouse already sees the marriage as over and in these case reconciliation is rare.

For the victim or faithful spouse, the discovery of the affair comes as a brutal attack on what they often describe as a happy marriage. These exit affairs cut to the core, damaging self-esteem and self-confidence and they leave the victim playing catch up both emotionally and legally.

So what can you expect if you discover your spouse is having an exit affair?

Joining Mandy for this Conversation is Laura Scott, whose marriage ended abruptly when she discovered her husband's affair. Following her journey through divorce, Laura wrote The Accidental Divorcee - a guide book for navigating the twists and turns of divorce (available on Amazon.com).

Are you considering ending your marriage? Register for Mandy's free course, Is Divorce The Answer?

Post-divorce travel adventures became familiar with Elizabeth Gilbert's epic, "Eat, Pray, Love" and while such a long, exotic trip may be out of reach for many, with some creativity and imagination you could make it happen.

Joining Mandy for this episode is world traveler, photographer, writer and historian, Chandi Wyant. Wyant embarked on a pilgrimage following her divorce and spent forty days walking to Rome on Italy's historic route, the Via Francigena. Listen in to hear Mandy and Chandi talk about making the decision to travel and what to expect as well as some practical considerations such as the timing and length of the trip and what it's like to travel solo.

The biggest takeaway from this conversation is that there are solutions to all the reasons you might give for not embarking on an adventure and that if you really want to do this, you absolutely can.

Chandi Wyant's trip is captured in her newly published memoir, Return To Glow: A Pilgrimage of Transformation In Italy.

Looking for more real-life no-nonsense advice about divorce? Check out Mandy's blog, Since My Divorce.

The words 'divorce' and 'etiquette' aren't often heard together. When we hear the word 'etiquette,' we think manners, politeness, courtesies - again not things typically associated with ending a marriage. And perhaps that's exactly why so many people struggle to achieve a good divorce. 

I'm not a fan of rule books but I do think being conscious about how you conduct yourself during divorce could help you better cope with the end of your marriage so you'll feel less conscious, less awkward and avoid saying or doing things that you'll regret later. If we did have more generally accepted guidelines on coping with divorce, then the breakups could be less disruptive not just for spouses but also for children, extended families, friends and coworkers. Who wouldn't want that?

Suzanne Riss and Jill Sockwell, authors of The Optimist's Guide To Divorce: How To Get Through Your Breakup and Create A New Life You Love have given much thought to the question of divorce etiquette through their own first-hand experiences and through the experiences of the women they brought together in the Maplewood Divorce Club. Listen in to get the tips you need to handle the common awkward situations around divorce.

Follow Suzanne and Jill on Twitter as @SuzanneRiss and @JillSockwell and on Facebook at The Optimist's Guide.To Divorce.

It doesn't matter who decides to end the marriage, both parties are usually hurt (even if some are reluctant to admit it). Most people want to know how to protect themselves from getting hurt after divorce.

The answer to that is boundaries. We use fences, doors, walls and locks to protect our property from others and we use similar devices to protect ourselves from harm from others. These boundaries however are not as simple or obvious as a gate or a padlock. They're much more complex. They take different forms. We create different boundaries with different people. We change our boundaries over time and sometimes, we don't set the boundaries we need.

Recovering from divorce often means taking a closer look at your boundaries, understanding how you've set them in the past, and where you need to set them now in relation to your ex, your children and anyone you date.

It's not easy to set different boundaries with people you've been in relationship with for a long time and it's especially difficult if you haven't had good boundaries before.

Joining me for this episode of Conversations About Divorce is dating expert Sandy Weiner of LastFirstDate. Sandy grew up with fuzzy boundaries and she says that learning about boundaries was one of the greatest gifts from her divorce.

Visit Sandy's website to download your free copy of Sandy’s report, Why Men Disappear: Learn The Secrets To Attracting And Keeping The Love You Deserve.

There is always less money after divorce and ending a marriage means facing that reality. There's really no way to avoid it.

Some people find themselves having to handle the household accounts for the first time either in a long time or sometimes, ever. It means there is no more shopping and buying things without knowing how they're going to be paid for. The spouse who took care of everything is gone and now you have to learn about budgeting.

For some people, it means reassessing lifestyle choices and adjusting to the new reality.

For others, it can mean seeing their carefully executed financial plans change dramatically.

All of these can be challenges but we have to change to move forward. If we don't, we're going to face bigger financial difficulties.

So how do you do this? What are the secrets? Joining me for this episode of Conversations About Divorce is financial advisor, Jason Silverberg who's the author of The Financial Planning Puzzle: Fitting Your Pieces Together To Create Financial Freedom. Jason also has a free mini course: 5 Steps To Creating Financial Freedom.

Read more about Mandy's and Jason's conversation at Mandy's blog.

We all know someone who says their marriage ended suddenly with no warning. It’s hard to believe. We all like to think there must have been some red flags that were missed. After all, how could two people, married to each other, have such different views about the same marriage?

But marriages do absolutely end without warning and when that happens it is a truly traumatic experience. Could it happen to you? What are the warning signs? Why does it happen? How do you recover?

Joining Mandy to discuss these questions and more is psychotherapist Vikki Stark. Stark is the author of Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife’s Guide to Recovery and Renewal and the newly published compilation Planet Heartbreak: Abandoned Wives Tell Their Stories. Find out more at RunawayHusbands.com.

If you’re thinking of ending your marriage, there’s a much kinder, more compassionate way to do this than abandoning your spouse. First check out Mandy’s free course, Is Divorce The Answer? and then turn to her online coaching program, My Divorce Pal, for step-by-step guidance through all the logistics and practicalities.

The word alone carries tremendous negativity, judgment and fear and divorce is commonly portrayed in the media as hostile and high-conflict. Amicable or civil divorces aren’t considered news unless there’s a novelty factor associated with them like Gynweth Paltrow’s “conscious uncoupling.”

Often, our own beliefs and expectations around divorce pushes us to stay in unhealthy relationships and we procrastinate or delay ending our marriage.

What if there was another way?

What if there was a way you could break up without hostility?

What if you could get divorced without spending a ton on legal fees and without it consuming all your emotional energy?

Well, it’s possible and there are loads of resources readily available to help you do that. It starts by setting the intention to have a good divorce.

Joining Mandy to discuss the good divorce is Wendy Paris, journalist, communications professional and author of Splitopia: Dispatches From Today’s Good Divorce and How To Part Well. Wendy is also the creator of the website Splitopia – a comprehensive divorce wellness website. 

You can also learn how to manage the practicalities and logistics of getting divorced from Mandy’s online divorce coaching program, MyDivorcePal.com. And check out Mandy’s blog – SinceMyDivorce.com where you’ll find a write of this show.