Conversations About Divorce

One of the most common reasons for not ending a marriage is not wanting to break up the family. Yet, ask people who are post-divorce and they'll tell you with no uncertainty that they are still a family, just a bit different now.

This tells us that the sense of family is important to many people and that what family means is fluid.

So how do people accept their family is changing? What does family after divorce mean? What can you do to shape the family you have after divorce?

Joining Mandy for this Conversation is relationship counselor and coach, Wendy Smith Baruc who has worked with couples and families for over thirty yeas. Wendy is the author of Accepting Your blended Family: A Handbook For Life After Divorce.

Wendy is offering listeners a complimentary 30-minute consult. Contact Wendy through her website at https://wendysmithbaruc.com/.

Get a synopsis of the show at Mandy's blog at https://sincemydivorce.com/wrong-thin-family-divorce .

Divorce is always an opportunistic event except that most people don't see it that way.

It's opportunistic because at least for the person making the decision to end the marriage, they have concluded that life will be better outside the relationship. It doesn't mean that the divorce was what they wanted or that it isn't hurtful, painful and difficult.

Nor does it mean that every aspect of their life will be better. Finances might be worse but emotionally it would be better. Lifestyle may change but parenting may become easier.

Weighing all the considerations, the decision-maker sees that their life on balance would be better.

And usually that's not just by a little. People often say that it's the 'I can't stand it any longer' type of better or the 'there is no hope of change' type of better, even the 'I'm going to make myself sick if I don't do this.'

So what does it take to see divorce as an opportunity? What does it take if you aren't the one making the decision? Is there a way to make sure you aren't making a mistake?

Joining Mandy for this Conversation is attorney and mediator Gabrielle Hartley. Gabrielle has been developing a non-toxic approach to divorce for over twenty years and keeps 99 percent of her cases out of the courtroom. She's the author of Better Apart: The Radically Positive Way to Separate.

You can download Gabrielle's The Five Essential Elements to Becoming Better Apart at her website https://gabriellehartley.com.

You'll find a synopsis of this show at Mandy's blog at https://sincemydivorce.com/divorce-opportunity-end-world

The standard advice for a non-working spouse used to be to sit tight and not make any changes. They likely could continue to stay-at-home and may even get lifetime alimony.

That's not the case any longer. Alimony is likely going to be limited in duration and more and more professionals are saying get back to work and don't wait.

So what should you consider? What sort of work are you expected to be doing? How could this impact your spousal support?

Joining Mandy for this Conversation is Ann Grant, an attorney who experienced her own high-conflict divorce and author of the recently published The Divorce Hacker's Guide To Untying The Knot: What Every Woman Needs To Know About Finances, Child Custody, Lawyers and Planning Ahead. Read more about Amy at www.TheDivorcehacker.com.

You'll find a synopsis of this show at Mandy's blog: https://sincemydivorce.com/divorcing-still-working-might-regret

Typically, what happens in divorce is that one spouse keeps the marital home, buying out the equity of the other spouse, or the house is sold and the net proceeds shared.

But more and more couples are finding that this won't work for them. Rising mortgage interest rates and increasing house prices are driving divorcing couples to see how they can continue to co-own the marital home after divorce.

These arrangements can absolutely work however there are many details and situations that need to be considered and discussed up front so they can be written into your divorce agreement. It is not as simple as you might think.

Mandy's guest for this Conversation is Joe Dillon, founder of Equitable Mediation. Joe has over 20 years of experience in mediation and specializes in helping couples negotiate a fair settlement and divorce peacefully and cost-effectively -without lawyers. Joe has a free download - 10 Compelling Reasons To Mediate Your Divorce which is available at his website https://www.EquitableMediation.com

You'll find a synopsis of this Conversation at Mandy's blog at https://sincemydivorce.com/keep-house-ex-divorce

Healing from divorce is something we all need to do. It applies just as much to the person who initiates the divorce as the person whose spouse makes the decision.

Working through the recovery process stirs up so much - some from your childhood and family of origin, some from our cultural and societal norms and expectations and, of course, a whole lot from what happened during your marriage and previous committed relationships.

While we all need to work on our healing, many people don't and the consequences of that plays out in our relationships with our family members, with our friends and with new intimate partners.

So what does healing from divorce look like? How long does it take? What does it involve and how do you do it?

Joining Mandy for this Conversation is transformational divorce coach and wellness strategist, Dawn Burnett. Dawn is the author of Connect: How To Love And Accept Yourself After Divorce. (available on Amazon)

You can find a synopsis of this show at Mandy's blog: https://sincemydivorce.com/easy-quick-way-heal-divorce

When you hear a tale of abuse, whether it's in the news, a friend or a family member, and whether it's physical, emotional or financial abuse, do you find yourself wondering why the person doesn't just leave? Why do they stay?

They know why. They know exactly what it takes to leave an abusive relationship.

In fact, survivors have often left many times and the obstacles to being alone force them back to their abuser.

Joining Mandy for this Conversation about leaving an abusive relationship are Jackie List and BreAnne Meyer with Safe Shelter of St. Vrain in Longmont, Colorado. Safe Shelter offers services to victims of abuse, working with them to develop their safety plan for remaining in the relationship or leaving.

The national domestic abuse hotline is 1-800-799-7233 and the website is http://thehotline.org.

Find a synopsis of this show at Mandy's blog: http://sincemydivorce.com/know-takes-leave-abuser

Juggling parenting and working is hard enough - doing it when your children are in two homes is even more challenging. When you're trying to make sure your child's other parent is on the same page with schedules, transportation, homework, activities, play-dates, doctor's appointments, it's easy for something to fall through the cracks.

In fact, it's inevitable. You know it's going to happen and you just hope that it won't be something too important.

Who doesn't want an assistant? Well, chances are you already do have an assistant - your smartphone and if you haven't discovered this yet, there are lots of digital tools available to help your life easier.

Joining Mandy for this conversation is Priya Rajendran - a technology veteran and creator of S'moresUp, a free iOS app that helps families manage parenting and particularly co-parenting after divorce. Priya developed her app based on what she learned during her own single parenting experience.

You can read a synopsis of the show at Mandy's blog: https://sincemydivorce.com/use-technology-solve-common-single-parenting-problems

Apologies are powerful - done well, they open the door to healing, make amends for wrong-doings and may lead to forgiveness and rebuilt relationships.

The absence of a sincere apology on the other hand, can make relationships worse, destroy trust and create obstacles to healing.

In the context of divorce, the lack of a heartfelt apology can lead to bitterness and resentment over the end of the marriage, and may seriously hamper the ability of parents to work together for their children.

But apologies are often in short supply. What difference does an apology make? What makes it so difficult to say 'I'm sorry'? Should you ask for an apology?

Joining Mandy for this Conversation is divorce coach Martha Bodyfelt from SurvivingYourSplit.com.

You can find a synopsis of this Conversation at Mandy's blog here: https://sincemydivorce.com/apology-make-right-divorce

The gold standard in parenting after divorce that we're all supposed to aim for is co-parenting - you work collaboratively on all aspects of your child's life with your ex. You work to adopt common parenting strategies, have consistent rules between homes, attend events together, and some even vacation together.

The reality is that very few parents can accomplish this all the time and for some parents this is an impossible standard most of the time. Trying to follow co-parenting strategies may actually cause more conflict and leads to stress and anxiety for everyone, including your child.

The alternative model is parallel parenting, something that isn't talked about enough.

Joining Mandy for this Conversation is Jai Kissoon from Our Family Wizard, the third party communication platform which helps parents managing their parenting and reduces the conflict.

There's a synopsis of this show posted at Mandy's blog: https://sincemydivorce.com/parallel-parenting-doesnt-make-bad-parent

If you're looking for guidance on divorcing with adult children, you might not find much.They tend to be the forgotten demograhic: the legal system is all about minor children and there simply hasn't been much research on the impact of divorce in adult children. 

That's probably because until recently divorce among people with long term marriages was less common. That's changing and in fact, the divorce rate among people aged 50 and older is increasing. That means more and more adults are experiencing their parents' divorce.

What we're finding is that the age of the children doesn't matter - they will still care that you're divorcing and their age doesn't make it any easier or harder to handle. Their age brings its own set of problems and complications.

Joining Mandy for this Conversation is divorce-attorney-turned divorce adviser and coach Karen Covy. Karen's mission is to help people understand their divorce options so they can make choices that will help them not only survive their divorce but put them in a position to thrive afterwards. Visit KarenCovy.com to download Karen's FREE Divorce Tool Kit with checklists and worksheets to help you get oganized.

For a synopsis of this Conversation about divorcing with adult children, visit Mandy's Since My Divorce blog.