Healing with WORTH

This week we discuss how betrayal in a relationship affects physical intimacy as well as what physical intimacy can look like in a healthy relationship.

Physical intimacy is a very complicated issue when addiction and pornography is present in a marriage. It's a very individual matter how you decide to share or not share physical touch and intimacy with your spouse. Safety is a very high priority and that's really determined by each woman in each circumstance. 

What applies to us may not feel it applies to our listeners, but we are hoping that we can have a great discussion on some principles to help guide our listeners through this really sensitive topic and hopefully that will help you to get clear on some of the boundaries that you may need to implement in your own life. We really encourage you to listen to your gut, listen to things that really resonate with you and feel good in moving forward in this area.

Notes:

Quote: Dr. Terry Olson, "Chastity and fidelity are more than just sexual abstinence before marriage and physical fidelity after marriage. This is because human sexuality is not simply a physical matter.

As the world invites us to believe chastity and fidelity begin in the spirit, not the body and involve the giving of our hearts are broken. Hearts are softened hearts to our mates. Unequivocally."

M. Russell Ballard's talk: The Lord Needs You Now!: https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2015/09/the-lord-needs-you-now?lang=eng

Episode on Healthy Sexuality with Jeanne Vattuone: https://anchor.fm/healingwithworth/episodes/Healing-with-WORTH-Healthy-Sexuality-with-Jeanne-Vattuone-Mini-Series-on-Abuse-7-emak0u

Today's episode is from an episode on Geoff Steurer LMFT The Illuminate podcast with one of our WORTH clinicians Kimberly Day LMHCA.  https://anchor.fm/illuminate-podcast/episodes/Confronting-abuse-in-marriage---Kimberly-Day---Episode-74-enjsj4

Geoff's show notes:

"In this episode I interview Kimberly Day, LMHCA, about how to better diagnose and confront abuse in marriage. Kim says that when we think of betrayal trauma and really understand the dynamics of a relationship when one partner is addicted to porn or sex, it's important to look at all abuse dynamics to get a complete picture. Abuse is an important and often underappreciated dimension in a multi-dimensional problem.

Download the graph that corresponds with this episode (https://geoff-steurer.mykajabi.com/abuse-download?preview_theme_id=3204962) and you'll see that one axis is our typical 'addict-mode' behaviors: acting out, lying, even gaslighting (even though that is abuse), etc.- these are behaviors that rise out of the compulsions to act out, keep it secret, addict-mode thought distortions, etc.  Along this axis is where most all addiction and betrayal trauma is assessed and treated.

But there is another dimension that helps us explain and more deeply understand and support a lot of people - that is the dimension of the Abusive Attitudes and Beliefs held by the addicted partner, including entitlement and superiority, out of which abuses of power and control, objectification of family members, and other forms of dehumanizing treatment arise. These are the underlying currents of devaluing and dehumanizing the partner that are the source of a lot of trauma, though they are very rarely fully recognized or addressed.

This perspective/model helps us to explain some of the confusion that both practitioners and partners experience when the "acting out" is dealt with, but the treatment toward the partner does not improve.

In this episode, we dialogue around what it might look like in each of the four quadrants and how the experience and the sources of trauma and safety/lack of safety may be different in each. We contrast the "Acting out High/Abusive Attitudes Low" quadrant from the "Acting out Low/Abusive Attitudes High"- this type of differentiation is what Kim believes is being missed when we blanket cover all addiction as abuse, or when we ignore so many other forms of abuse and clump them all into addict-mode behavior."

Download the chart here:

https://geoff-steurer.mykajabi.com/abuse-download?preview_theme_id=3204962

This is the second part of an interview of Geoff Steurer MS, LMFT on therapeutic disclosures.  

A full therapeutic disclosure is: "As detailed as you need it to be, including the truth about all sexual behaviors past and present. Accompanied by professional care for you before, during, and after the disclosure." www.btr.org

Show Notes:

Formal Disclosure Documents by Mary A. Lee LMFT , CSAT-S

"Disclosing Secrets:  An Addicts Guide For When, To Whom, And How Much To Reveal" by M Deborah Corley Ph.D. and Jennifer P Schneider M.D.

"Full Disclosure: Seeking Truth After Sexual Betrayal: Volume 1: How Disclosure Can Help You Heal" by Dan Drake and Janice Caudill

To find Geoff and access his work or online courses you can reach him at:  https://www.geoffsteurer.com/ or on his podcast The Illuminate

https://anchor.fm/illuminate-podcast

We were fortunate to have Geoff Steurer, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist come on the podcast to discuss therapeutic disclosures. 

A full therapeutic disclosure is: "As detailed as you need it to be, including the truth about all sexual behaviors past and present. Accompanied by professional care for you before, during, and after the disclosure." www.btr.org

Listen as he answers our questions:

 We are so grateful to Geoff, for his expertise, for the work he is doing to help marriages heal, and his validation to us.

Show notes:

"The research shows that over 90% of people who complete a full therapeutic disclosure and end up staying together.  

It's an act of healing, a gesture of contrition, of humility, of trying to rebuild trust and it's worth doing."

To contact Geoff or to learn more about him head to his website: www.geoffsteurer.com

Geoff's Podcast "The Illuminate": https://anchor.fm/illuminate-podcast

With the start of the New Year we wanted to share some exciting interviews we have coming up .  We will be having therapists Dr. Adam Moore, Geoff Streurer, and Dr. Jill Manning on the show.  We are so grateful to them and their willingness to come share their expertise on betrayal trauma with us.   Look for those to be released in the upcoming weeks ahead.

We also wanted to share a message of hope to all of you.  Hope that whatever has brought you here that you will be able to rebuild your life "brick by brick" into something more than you could ever imagine.

We are so grateful to you for listening and going on this journey.  If you have anything you would like us to discuss or potential guest requests we would love to hear from you!  Email us at [email protected]

With the holidays here we wanted to share some of our past favorite episodes with you in case you missed it or would like to take a second listen.  This episode was previously released on 9/3/20.  We were so impressed with the vulnerability and strength of these girls to share what they have learned and how they have grown through the Teen WORTH program and how it's helped their families.

To learn more about Teen WORTH head to our website:  https://lifechangingservices.online/worth/teen-worth/ 

With Christmas and New Year's around the corner, there are a lot of things that we do in a family dynamic, that often during this time when you are experiencing so many emotions around betrayal that bring up a lot of mixed emotions.

We wanted to put out an episode to offer some validation, share some of our experiences, and some of the ways that we've coped and dealt with some of these emotions that come around the holidays when you are in this situation.

Wising that all of you may find some peace this Christmas Holiday season.

Hosts Naomi and Janeen reflect on this past year, favorite episodes, and their takeaway of their personal growth from 2020.  We hope this will inspire you to go back and listen to some of the previous episodes you may not have heard yet.

Thank you for listening and supporting us in our journey to help all women and especially women with betrayal trauma.  If you have anything you would like to hear us talk about, questions, interview requests you can reach out to us at [email protected]

Previous episodes mentioned in this episode:

Stop Gaslighting And The Crazy Making In Your Life (Exclusive Interview) | Episode 13 listen here

The Truth Behind Gaslighting (Exclusive Interview) | Episode 14 listen here

Teen WORTH. Interview with teens on their experience with their own parents' betrayal | Episode 25 listen here

WORTH YSA. Interview with Betrayal Trauma Coach Amie Woolsey| Episode 20 listen here

Healing with WORTH: Somatic Experiencing in healing from betrayal trauma | Episode 31 listen here

WORTH mentor Kara joins us this week to discuss Somatic experiencing and how it can be beneficial to our listeners journey in healing.  Kara is a volunteer for WORTH.  She is involved in the development of a psychoeducational class, the mentor groups and sister in arms program for Life Changing Services. Kara is a latter day Saint and a mother of four.

What is somatic experiencing?  How can Somatic Experiencing help in our recovery journey with betrayal trauma?  Somatic Experiencing is used for trauma in the short term and for developmental trauma as an adjunct to psychotherapy that may span years. Somatic Experiencing attempts to promote awareness and release physical tension that remains in the aftermath of trauma.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_experiencing#:~:text=Somatic%20Experiencing%20is%20used%20for,in%20the%20aftermath%20of%20trauma.

Show notes:

Awakening The Tiger by Peter A. Levine

https://www.amazon.com/Waking-Tiger-Healing-Peter-Levine/dp/155643233X

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=the+body+keeps+the+score&i=stripbooks&crid=3EJYWE85A0USS&sprefix=the+body+%2Cstripbooks%2C297&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-a-p_1_9

Recognizing and Responding to Destructive and Abusive Relationship Patterns: A Stay by the Tree webinar special

In this episode of our special Stay By the Tree series, we are joined by clinician Kim Day, LMHCA, CCPS. Kim tackles a very delicate topic by being open and straightforward as she talks to women. She talks about people's ways of thinking, behaviors that can be destructive to a marriage, and setting healthy boundaries.

To find out more about Mother's Who Know and the free services they provide head to their website: https://motherswhoknow.org/?fbclid=IwAR2CBXNw4FsaOmb3NNpxb0bD98SsYJbPBXpMsDBLVH_9S5AzIdPc-Z2-wf0

Talk Referenced in this episode is from a BYU devotional by Lili Anderson, Three Realms of Law, Light and Life. https://video.byui.edu/media/Lili+Anderson+%22Three+Realms+of+Law%2C+Light%2C+and+Life%22/0_k2l3a4f2