Katie Fitzpatrick is an associate professor of education at the University of Auckland and the lead writer of relationship and sexuality education curriculum policy. She says more emphasis and time needs to be devoted to the mental health, sexuality and wellbeing of students from primary to high school. Dr Fitzpatrick talks to Kathryn about why health education is the poor cousin of numeracy and literacy.

Katie Fitzpatrick is an associate professor of education at the University of Auckland and the lead writer of relationship and sexuality education curriculum policy.

An advocate for more sex education in schools, including raising awareness for healthy relationships, consent and gender identity, she says it's important to use the health curriculum to teach students about individual and collective wellbeing.

At a national level, the current health and physical education curriculum is one of seven curriculum areas, alongside things like maths and English.

Schools have a lot of choice about how they deliver the different areas and how much time they dedicate to them, Fitzpatrick says.

"I think there's quite a lot of misunderstandings about what health education is and the position it has in schools and in the curriculum," she says.

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Some schools are trying to best support the wellbeing of their students using one-off initiatives, but Fitzpatrick says actually, there is already a strong place for this in the curriculum and it needs to be timetabled in and resourced.

An education review office report from 2018 showed a large number of schools weren't meeting the minimum requirements for time dedicated to relationships and sexuality education, especially primary schools, she says.

A lot of teachers are lacking knowledge and confidence in this space but it's not their fault, she says.

Teachers have an enormous task to get their head around multiple curriculum areas, Fitzpatrick says. And there hasn't been dedicated national professional development in mental health, sexuality, or drug and alcohol education.

"There's been a really strong push in the past 20 years for numeracy and literacy, really at the expense of everything else and I think we need to rebalance that."

When a school has a good approach to health and sexuality education, the whole school sees wellbeing as firmly on their agenda," she says.

"There's health services available including counselling for students, the environment's really inclusive with these kinds of safe policies, a stronger approach to anti-bullying, there's leadership in the school that actively names and values diversity - including gender and sexual diversity." …

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Kathryn checks in on a parenting programme pilot in Nelson set up to help new fathers. The free 10 week course is available to all new dads, step dads and also includes men awaiting the birth of their first child. It is part of a Ministry of Social Development WhÄnau Resilience programme and is run by family violence specialists SVS - Living Safe in partnership with Perinatal Support Nelson. Aaron Agnew is the course facilitator.

Kathryn checks in on a parenting programme pilot in Nelson set up to help new fathers. The free 10 week course is available to all new dads, step dads and also includes men awaiting the birth of their first child.

It is part of a Ministry of Social Development Whānau Resilience programme and is run by family violence specialists SVS - Living Safe in partnership with Perinatal Support Nelson.

Aaron Agnew is the course facilitator.

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Kathryn speaks with Dr Maysoon Salama, whose storybook for children Aya and the Butterfly is a new picture book to help young children come to terms with grief, cope with change, and build resilience. Dr Salama lost her son Atta Elayyan in the Al Noor mosque attack in Christchurch a little over two years ago.

Dr Maysoon Salama lost her son Atta Elayyan in the Al Noor mosque attack in Christchurch a little over two years ago. Her storybook Aya and the Butterfly was written for Atta's daughter, her granddaughter, and for other children dealing with loss and trauma.

As the manager and co-founder of the An-Nur childcare centre, Dr Salama has also helped many other families through their grief.

"In our centre it is not only Aya who lost her father but there is many other children who lost their fathers or some loved ones."

She says the children in the centre had been learning about the life cycle of the butterfly when she thought about writing the book.

"Life cycles, they can relate with children, especially the metamorphosis of the butterfly, you can see that the caterpillar disappears and something else comes and then from that emerges the beautiful butterfly. Something is lost but also something beautiful is gained after that.

"This is basically the life of all of us, it's a cycle full of challenges."

Listen to the full interview

There are characters in the book with Muslim names, characters who wear the hijab - it was a great resource to discuss grief with the children, she says.

"This story was really a fantastic one because were familiar with the characters and they could relate also to the culture of the story itself.

"It was like a group healing...We discussed also with them feelings, the fluctuations of emotions, that you can have good days and bad days."

The children are encouraged to share their feelings and happy moments they had with loved ones.

"The concept of death was really the hardest thing but children need to know that it's permanent and a person who dies will not come back. For us, that was also something that we really had to deal with and we tailored also our discussion based on our Islamic faith."

In the story, the death of Aya's father is implied, she says.

"The children need to know that we have to say goodbye to loved people or things in our lives and we must allow ourselves to remember and feel sad and we must learn to let go and keep going. There is hope."

The story is also written to reflect and celebrate the Muslim community, Dr Salama says…

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Parenting coach and educator Joseph Driessen with guidance on how to build a secure attachment relationship with your child. He says a well functioning trusting bond between a primary caregiver and child is essential to healthy development.

Children need emotional security before they can learn and a secure relationship with a reliable primary caregiver is the foundation of this, says parenting coach Joseph Driessen.

Sometimes stress and overwhelm can make parents less reliable than their child needs them to be and the child can lose faith that they are loved.

Listen to the interview

Behaviour such as hyperactivity and shutting down is often rooted in a lack of emotional security, Driessen tells Kathryn Ryan.

Clinginess is another common sign that a need is not being met.

"Many people think we should harden the child up - away from the clinging. But I think you should look at that and say what's the cause of this? "

Too often parents and teachers focus on the child's behaviour as the thing to fix rather than going underneath to the heart and asking 'What is missing and how can we give that? Driessen says.

"The cause is lack of relationship - the outcome is lack of learning."

Joseph's advice to parents is: "Check your addiction to your phone and check how hard you're working towards your child's emotional security".

"How often do you say to your child 'I'll deal with it later'? It's hard work to be a parent and to be available when your child is anxious. Most parents will do a good job but some parents might think 'Maybe I should think about this and change my priorities'.

Thankfully, a child who lacks secure attachment for whatever reason can be helped by a renewed or repaired primary attachment relationship with an adult, Driessen says.

"The method is very simple. There's one person who takes care of the child or makes the child feel 'you're special to me and I care about you' even though I'm just your teacher or your grandma'... let's not worry about your bad behaviour. Let's focus on me being here for you'.

"The key is that the child needs for their development someone to love them and feel special to."

Related:

https://www.rnz.co.nz/national/programmes/afternoons/audio/2018732707/the-only-advice-parents-will-ever-need

https://www.rnz.co.nz/national/programmes/ninetonoon/audio/2018717074/social-attachment-and-mental-wellbeing-in-children

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Sue Blair has been working with families for nearly 20 years as a family coach and parenting skills educator and she is also the author of The Personality Puzzles. Her particular specialisation is understanding the personality dynamics within a family. This includes how siblings with the same upbringing can be vastly different to each other and react differently to situations. Lack of understanding can lead to a break down in communication with children of any age, but Sue Blair says teenage years are usually the most challenging. So how can you harmoniously parent within a diverse household?

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Parents of teenagers often wonder what has happened to their child's brain. They may be moody, not understanding or appearing to care about consequences, they may struggle to maintain focus, and may be very self-absorbed! Neuroscience educator and parenting expert, Nathan Wallis says during adolescence, parts of the teenage brain are "shut for renovations". He says understanding the changes that are taking place for the adolescent will help parents successfully navigate these important and formative years.

Parents of teenagers often wonder what has happened to their child's brain.

They may be moody, not understanding or appearing to care about consequences, they may struggle to maintain focus, and may be very self-absorbed! Neuroscience educator and parenting expert, Nathan Wallis says, during adolescence, parts of the teenage brain are "shut for renovations".

He says understanding the changes that are taking place for the adolescent will help parents successfully navigate these important and formative years.

Listen to the full interview with Nathan Wallis

Wallis tells Kathryn Ryan some kids hit adolescence earlier than others, but it tends to be around the 13-14 age range.

"Pretty much, if you're living with a teenager, you know when it's happened."

The brain and body both go through a transformative time as a child goes through puberty and, while the teenage brain may shut down for that period, it does return better than it was before.

"I always think, don't judge who your kids going to be as an adult by looking at them in the middle of adolescence because being an adult is all about having a frontal cortex and, during adolescence, that's shut for renovations. Who they were at 11 is typically much more like who they'll be like as an adult."

The frontal cortex is responsible for complex emotions such as empathy which is why we often think of teenagers as being mean.

"It controls their emotions, so rates of suicide, depression, and anxiety will skyrocket during adolescence. It's that ability to regulate their behaviour, regulate their emotions, focus their attention - all of that is up there in the frontal cortex and that gets shut for three years to get this rewiring done."

Wallis says the frontal cortex doesn't completely shut down - it's open around 10 percent of the time - and parents need to seize those moments to feed and nurture that part of the brain…

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The best way to empower young people is to give them tools to manage their own emotions says clinical psychologist Jacqui Maguire. She's written a children's book When the Wind Blew, which introduces a series of home-based, practical psychological tools designed to "turn down the dial on the fight or flight response".

Emotional self-regulation has been recognised by scientists and academics as the most important thing for a child to learn - but how do we teach it?

Clinical psychologist Jacqui Maguire has written a kids book When the Wind Blew with effective tools to help kids "turn down the dial on the fight-or-flight response".

Listen to Jacqui Maguire on Nine to Noon

Separation, relocation, a new school, Covid... any change can make a child feel a roller coaster of emotions running through their body.

In When the Wind Blew, a typical Kiwi girl named Orla - who shares a name with Jacqui's baby daughter - wakes up one day to a world turned inside out and upside down by 'the rona wind'.

"It's a story of how her parents teach her to control or calm the angry sparks that rush through her body the worried butterflies that sit in her tummy, the sad blue cloud that sits above her head. Through using her superpowers and working out that she does have an ability to dial those down, shows that with change we can learn to manage our emotions."

When the Wind Blew shows kids that when we are facing really tough times or change, it's normal to feel emotions like sadness and worry and anger, Jacqui says.

Framing the regulation of these emotions as a superpower makes it a 'cool' thing children can feel proud of knowing they can do for themselves.

Jacqui's wish is that every child could grow up believing they have the ability to get through whatever happens in their lives.

Overprotection can get in the way of this kind of confidence, she says.

"Sometimes as parents, we so don't want our children to be sad or upset or angry that we jump in and fix problems too fast for them. We dismiss emotions ... which comes from good intention but partly that message provides to a young person 'I don't think you can manage' or 'I need to manage for you'.

''I really believe we need to be empowering young people with the belief that they can manage and they can cope."

Practical tools for emotional regulation

Acknowledge the feelings

This decreases their intensity, Jacqui says.

Imagery that describes what's going on in their bodies can be very helpful for young people…

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Senior Researcher at the New Zealand Council for Educational Research Mohamed Alansari tells Lynn Freeman about a survey and research to support rainbow students and communities.

As we come to the end of the Pride season with events around the country, Nine to Noon takes a look at how parents can better support LGBTQI children.

Senior Researcher at the New Zealand Council for Educational Research Mohamed Alansari tells Lynn Freeman about a survey and research about rainbow students and communities.

Alansari says that, while we've come a long way, research shows that students that are part of the rainbow community still report low levels of well-being, higher levels of stress, and experience greater levels of bullying.

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Listen to the full interview with Mohamed Alansari

"That's been really consistent in the last ten years, which is quite worrying for me, so I really hope that Pride season is a way to bring us all together and think about the world. I want us to live in a world where those kids live, succeed and thrive because of their school experiences and not in spite of them."

He says schools installing gender neutral bathrooms is a positive step but there is more that needs to be done.

"Some of the things we've been hearing from schools who are doing great things in this area is that they've taken a holistic, overall school approach that involves the community and said, right, we want to embrace diversity and wellbeing top down from a school policy level and classroom practices.

"Having a unisex bathroom is one indication, but kids want way more than this. They've been telling us that they want to feel like they belong, they want to engage and feel respected and involved and not put down or feel ashamed for being who they are."

Another positive thing he's heard of parents doing is getting together in support groups to learn more about their child's diversity and get an understanding of the terminology and their needs.

"The other nice thing about that is they actually start sharing resources because a lot of parents aren't aware that there are a lot of resources online where young people have written the things they wish their parents would have done."

Many parents do find that their child's coming out can be difficult for them and parents of transgender kids often reporting grieving for the daughter or son they thought they had, but Alansari says they do come around and love and support their children…

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As a society, we expect any meal served to automatically be eaten. But that's not logical to a child with any sort of sensory discomfort around food, says nutritional therapist Judith Yeabsley.

As a society, we expect any meal served to automatically be eaten. But that's not logical to a child with any sort of sensory discomfort around food, says nutritional therapist Judith Yeabsley.

The self-described "picky eating consultant' has followed up her first book Creating Confident Eaters with a new book Winner Winner I Eat Dinner.

Listen to Judith Yeabsley on Nine to Noon

Eating is one of the most complicated things humans do because it involves all of our senses, Judith tells Kathryn Ryan.

As such kids who are extremely sensitive to texture, smell or touch can become extremely avoidant of certain foods they have an adverse reaction to.

So what can be done?

Judith recommends parents help to break down their child's discomfort with certain foods via gradual desensitisation.

Will your child who says they hate bananas agree to carry a bowl of them to the table?

Playing with food is not always a bad thing, Judith says, especially if your child can be desensitised to a new texture via their hands.

Mix together foods the child likes with those they don't. This could be something like the worlds smallest piece of broccoli with a wad of cheese on it, Judith suggests.

"If they're then comfortable putting it in their mouth that's huge.

"Any change in comfort, attitude, approach to the food shows you that things are going better."

Focus less on your child eating the food and more on them engaging with it, she says.

"if your child is interacting with that food then you're doing everything you need to be doing for the child to eat the food.'

Related:

https://www.rnz.co.nz/national/programmes/ninetonoon/audio/2018753208/is-your-child-a-fussy-eater-tips-for-parents

https://www.rnz.co.nz/national/programmes/ninetonoon/audio/2018695827/tot-s-pantry-taking-the-fuss-out-of-feeding-time

https://www.rnz.co.nz/programmes/are-we-there-yet/story/201851497/how-to-avoid-dinner-table-dramas

https://www.rnz.co.nz/national/programmes/ninetonoon/audio/2018667379/tips-on-children-who-are-fussy-or-restricted-eaters

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details

Parenting coach and educator Joseph Driessen with tips for helping children manage themselves and control their impulsivity.

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details