What would happen if you decided to write them a loving, supportive letter outlining all of their hurtful behaviors in hopes they'll read it and finally realize they need to change?

Will it backfire on you? I talk about that in this episode.

The cycle of high ups and deep downs in a relationship is like being trapped in an emotional prison. There are moments of freedom and happiness, followed by a constant underlying fear or worry of being trapped again.

The emotional prison is created by the manipulative and controlling behavior of the person who wants to keep the person in a disempowered state. This cycle of ups and downs often forms a trauma bond, where the person seeks love and support from the same person who is causing them emotional harm.

Sometimes an abusive relationship changes into a non-abusive one. Sometimes the abusive person has an epiphany and stops the behavior. Often that happens when the other person reaches their breaking point, which may be too late. But if there's still love, there's a chance. The questions are, what are the chances that the healing emotional abuser will stop the behaviors? And can the relationship heal? 

Why do people who claim to care about us hurt us when they see that we're suffering? Shouldn't our suffering be enough for them to stop the behaviors? It's one of the most common questions I receive: If they really love me, why do they hurt me? 

Dealing with a hurtful person is often hard enough. When they have hurtful parents, however, it gets even harder. Especially when you thought you had a somewhat good relationship with them. When their parents can't see their own child being hurtful toward you, you may not get the compassion and support you're looking for. 

Your religious or spiritual beliefs are supposed to help uplift and inspire you, not make you feel oppressed and exhausted. Religious abuse happens when people who claim to love you use your own beliefs against you to keep their power over you. 

I get messages from those who are with someone who claims to have changed, but something doesn't feel right to them. What they feel is usually accurate. There are specific thoughts and feelings inside you that can help you tell if someone has actually changed and healed from being emotionally abusive, or if they still have a ways to go. 

When you've realized enough is enough but you're afraid that the kids will get a boatload of abusive behavior from a soon to be ex, knowing what to expect and how to respond to what happens next is the key to trying to maintain the healthiest relationship with your children.

Why can't they just change? Why don't they just stop hurting you?

Sometimes they've built such a huge wall of protection around themselves that nothing can penetrate it. They keep doing what they're doing because they don't want you to see what's behind the wall. It's too vulnerable, and it might require them to express a part of themselves they've hidden away all their life. 

The emotionally abusive relationship can be a battle. In fact, it can be a series of battles that wear you down and eventually wear you out. But at what point are you so worn out that you do something different? Some toxic relationships last for decades and there is no end in sight. There's a point in time when something has to change, or nothing ever will. And that can be a hard pill to swallow.