Love Over Addiction

Are you scared of leaving the one you love? Have you thought about it, but the idea almost paralyzes you with fear, so you immediately stop thinking about it?

There's just no possible way that you will ever leave.

What if you're one of the members of our community who is in the middle of leaving, you're planning your separation or your divorce, or maybe you've already filed for divorce, and you're in the process of working out the details?

When I chose to leave my husband who suffers from addiction and substance use disorder, I was absolutely terrified. I go a lot more into detail about that in the Love Over Addiction program.

But I don't think there is any one of us in our community who has left and said, "Oh, no, it was a piece of cake. I wasn't scared at all."

Leaving the ones we love draws out courage.

All of us are filled with enough courage to make the huge changes that we need to make in our lives.

It's just a matter of whether or not we are ready to step out in faith and call upon that courage that is living deep within us.

And I did. I chose to trust that somehow, someway I would figure it out as I went along. I didn't have the entire plan mapped out in front of me, but I had enough of a plan to know that I had an option to leave.

One of the things I did not figure out or have covered was money. I was a stay-at-home mom; I had not worked for seven years.

When I was working, I was doing very well. I was very successful and got promoted very quickly, but as soon as I had kids, I realized that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom with them.

I left my career and enjoyed staying home for a period of time. And the idea of going back to work at that point in my life did not sound appealing. Not because I was lazy, not because I didn't have ambition or dreams.

I wanted to be there for my kids since they were already used to it, and I thought the transition was going to be very rocky. Also, I did not want to put them in daycare.

I knew that I needed to go, but I didn't know if I would have the finances to be able to continue as a stay-at-home mom.

When I was preparing for the divorce, I had a therapist whom I loved named Carol. She was kind of my lifeline.

And there were certain times during the divorce when I would be in her office three times a week because trying to leave somebody who does not want to be left is incredibly difficult.

So I relied on her strength often. I would walk into her office feeling very beaten down, feeling very discouraged, and I would hear her encouragement. It was everything that I needed to leave her office ready to face the challenges waiting for me outside of that door.

And that is what I try to be to you: your Carol. I try to fill you up and remind you how wonderful, beautiful, and strong you are. I try to help remind you that you are completely equipped to take on this disease. You are not a victim, and you are not powerless.

So one of these afternoons I walked into Carol's office, and we were at the point in the divorce where we were discussing money.

There are basically two main topics when you get divorced. If you have children, you deal with the children. That's one big topic.

The other topic is money. And I'm going to make a generalized statement. I understand there are exceptions to the rules, but from what I have found and research has told me, most men care only about the money. That's their hot button. They want to give you as little as possible because addiction is expensive.

Addiction needs money in order to survive.

I was going into Carol's office, and we were at the point where the visitation with the children had been agreed upon but was waiting to be finalized until the money situation was worked out.

So I remember driving up to her lodge, walking in the door, and thinking, "I'm going to have to share with her that my husband does not want to pay me what I think he should."

I remember sitting on her comfy couch, and she was looking at me and listening without judgment because she was wonderful like that.

And as soon as I was done, she told me about a story when she got divorced and how she made the mistake of settling for pennies because she just wanted the divorce done and over with.

I remember thinking, "Yeah, that's exactly how I feel. I'll give away almost anything just get me out of this situation because I don't want any more conflict. I feel guilty that I'm the one who's choosing to leave, so I should give him everything that he asked for." This is what I told her and what I told myself.

I thought because she had done that, she would understand why I wanted to do that, and she would tell me it was okay and I was right. And because this was such a difficult, toxic time in my life, I should take whatever he's willing to give me and run.

Instead, she told me exactly what I did not want to hear.

Carol told me that I deserved more, and my kids deserved more.

If I settled for less, I would regret it, and this was part of my growth.

I needed to learn to ask for what I needed and deserved.

I was so scared. And I went through all the reasons why and how she could be wrong or why my situation was different from hers.

On my way down the mountain from Carol's office and back to reality, my ex-husband called and said, "How much are you going to ask for? How much are you thinking you're going to get? Because I'm not willing to pay you more than this. And don't even think you can get away with that because it's not happening."

I hadn't come to the conclusion. I was still in the processing phase. And I was still trying to work through this and come out with a solid answer that felt right to me.

So what do we do when we're confronted with something that makes us feel uncomfortable, that we're not ready to handle, that we need some more space and time to think about?

We create a boundary, and we create distance.

So I told him that I needed some time to think about it. I heard what he was saying, I understood where he was coming from, and I was not prepared to have this conversation yet. I was very dignified, I was very polite about it, and I hung up the phone because I didn't have to talk about it right then and there.

Why did I think that I was on his time schedule? I wasn't, and I had to create my own time schedule. I didn't have to let him boss me around, bully me, or push me into making a verbal commitment that I wasn't ready to make.

So if you're going through your divorce process and you still haven't come to some conclusions about the outcome or what you're comfortable with, take your time.

Do not be bullied or pressured.

You do not need to answer the phone.

Out of habit, I think we answer immediately or respond to a text message or an email because we're trying to be polite, and we're thoughtful people. But we reserve the right to take a timeout. Don't respond. Give yourself some space.

As I was driving back down the mountain from my appointment with Carol I said, "I just need a time out." And I took one. I took weeks to figure out what I was comfortable with.

And here's another thing: I went to my lawyer, and I said, "I think I'm going to ask for child support."

I had a spreadsheet with all of our bills and all the kids' expenses. It was all mapped out. They ask you to do that when you're getting a separation and a divorce.

But even if you're not ready to leave, it's still something good to have.

So I had this spreadsheet, and I had a number in mind. My lawyer looked at me, and he's like, "No. That is way too little. You're going to last a month or two. There's no way you can feed your kids on that amount, so let's come up with another number."

At that point, I was ready to trust an expert who had my best interest in mind. This lawyer worked with thousands of women in the same situation, and he knew better than I did, so I trusted him.

Did I feel good about the number he gave? No, I didn't. I felt scared to death. I thought, "Who the heck am I to ask for that? I've been a stay-at-home mom. What kind of real contributions have I made?" That was my sick thinking.

I am now straightened out, and I understand that I made a ton of contributions.

I was worth every single penny and so were my children.

But at the time, you're sick, and you have that addiction voice in your head that's trying to convince you that you are less than.

At that point in my life, the addiction voice in my head was still pretty strong. That was the dominant voice speaking to me. But I decided not to trust the voice. I decided to trust the man sitting across from me—the expert.

Part of this whole deal of loving and leaving somebody with addiction is asking for what you need, not taking the easy way out. I'm not guaranteeing that you're going to get it, but you have to understand that you are deserving, and you have to stand up for yourself.

This is part of your growth.

This is a tool that I promise you will use over and over and over again in many more relationships and circumstances.

If you have children, it's a tool that your children need to learn. You need to model for them what strength looks like. Ignore the addiction voice in your head that is belittling you. Trust the experts around you.

If you are looking for more helpful tips, join one of our programs. We are ready to encourage you, to embrace you, to love on you, and to become the sisterhood you need in your life.

Most of you know that I was married to a wonderful man. He was super talented, really good looking, and funny to the core. He was much smarter than I was. And he had so many gifts.

I really struggled because I was madly in love with him and tried everything I could to help get him sober. Of course, none of it worked which is the sad truth about loving somebody with addiction.

But during our marriage, I found myself very depressed. Before our wedding day, I was a very bubbly, very confident person. But addiction steals your joy, and it beats you down.

It takes all your vulnerabilities, all your shame, everything that you feel insecure about, and it shines a spotlight on them. It harps on them, and it uses them against you because addiction is just awful like that.

The whole thing about being married to somebody who constantly places drugs, pornography, gambling, or alcohol above you is that it can make you feel very depressed and unworthy.

The unpredictability of loving somebody when you don't know if they're going to be high or drunk or go off the wagon can also make you feel anxious.

You're constantly waiting for that other shoe to drop. That is a place of tension we live in most hours of the day because addiction becomes our obsession. It becomes one of the only things we think about. All thoughts lead back to the road of addiction.

Is the person I love going to get sober?

What does my future look like?

What about the future of my children?

Is my relationship ever going to get better?

Depression and anxiety typically go hand in hand with loving somebody with this disease.

Now, here's what I want to tell you. First and foremost, there's no shame in this. Welcome to the club. We understand. We get it fully and completely.

And I really want you to understand that you're not a victim here. You don't have to remain stuck in depression and anxiety. Just because you're feeling that way today doesn't mean that you're going to be feeling that way three weeks from now. There are lots of actionable steps you can take.

The obvious things you can do are prayer, yoga, and meditation. I've even heard some people talk about essential oils. There is also therapy. Or you can join the Love Over Addiction program and get into our secret Facebook group.

All of those options are very tangible. Get out there and serve or join a small group.

We have thousands of women from all over the world, and we tend to attract the type of women who say, "Michelle, just give me the steps. I'm ready to do it. Say the word, and I'm there."

If you're that type of woman who has done all of those things and you're still left feeling anxious and depressed, there is no harm and no shame in talking to your doctor about medication.

I think a lot of us feel there is a stigma around mental health, and we feel like we can't ask for help because it means we're weak, we're not praying enough, or we're not capable enough. There is no shame in taking medication if it helps you for a season (or many seasons) of your life.

I did this. I took medication for depression and anxiety for two years. And it helped me tremendously. As soon as I was on medication, I remember thinking, "Why haven't I started this earlier?"

For me, it wasn't about feeling joyful every day. When you start taking medication, it's not like you wake up feeling happy, blissful, and high all day long. It brings you back to center. It brings you back to baseline. That's what the medication did for me.

I was having panic attacks. And I remember sitting on my couch when the very first attack that happened to me. I was watching an episode of Friends, and I remember thinking, "Why is my heart beating so quickly? Ok, slow it down, slow it down."

It was weird. I could breathe, but I felt like I couldn't catch my next breath. My hands started sweating. I just could not get it together. And I remember calling my mom (because my husband was out on a binge and the kids were asleep and saying, "I don't know what's going on here."

That's the thing about panic attacks. Sometimes you can actually think clearly. Sometimes you can talk to people, but you just you cant catch that breath. And sometimes panic attacks can be much worse. That evening was when I started to notice something was off and I needed help.

So I wanted to let you know there is no shame. We need to stop that way of thinking and get help. You are in a stressful situation. You are in an abnormal relationship with somebody.

Right now you need to armor up with all the tools that you possibly can. And if medication is one of those tools that you need, there is absolutely no judgment here.

If you're feeling depressed and anxious, and you've tried everything on that list, go talk to your doctor. Make an appointment. Make your mental health a priority.

And if you haven't joined us yet, our programs are part of the toolbox you need to get out of this rut and surround yourself with women who get it.

We understand, and we have specific and real tips that will get you feeling better if they get sober or not. So take the courageous step today and join us.

I've been thinking about how important humor is when we're in the midst of living life while loving someone who struggles with addiction. So I was thinking about some of the funniest women I know.

One of those women is an author named Jen Hatmaker. She has her own podcast, too. I am in love with this woman. She came out with a book that really changed my perspective on the importance of friendship. It is called For the Love.

I was thinking about her because I recently went hear her speak. I saw an ad for her event pop up on Facebook. It was only 30 or 40 minutes away from me, so I thought, "I'm going to grab my girlfriends and go."

So we all go to this conference, and we're so excited to see Jen. She did not disappoint. You know it's a good speaker when you walk away and you can recite at least three things they said.

How many times have you gone to these things and you don't remember anything they said? You remember what they were wearing or what you were wearing or what you ate during the break. But you don't remember what they actually said. Well, Jen is one of those people who speaks, and you listen, and you remember.

The funniest thing she said the whole night, and the thing that spoke to me so much, was: "I've been trying my whole life to be precious." It just hit a chord with me because I remember thinking, "I have never been described by anybody that I know of as precious."

I think I look like I would be precious. If you were to see me in the mall, you would think, "Oh, she looks precious." And then I would open my mouth, and you would quickly realize that I am the furthest thing from somebody who would be called precious.

But anyway, when she said that, I thought, "Yeah, that's so funny." And then it got me thinking all about Jen Hatmaker and how I actually was a little bit of a stalker. During the breaks at her event, I would be telling my friends all about her.

For example, she was talking about a time in her life that was really difficult, and I turned to my friends and said, "Oh yeah, that's when she went on her boat, and she got her magazine and a glass of wine, and she was just all by herself. And her friend came to join her, and she was really disappointed."

I did this for almost every story that she told. And I realized that this is kind of creepy and that I might actually have a problem. How do I know all this information about her? I'm not sure. I think it's from Instagram.

But if you know me, I'm not a social media person. I am the worst of the worst when it comes to posting. I have people do it for me because I turn on my phone, and I go to Instagram, and I'm like, "I'm going to post this picture."

But for some reason, when I go to post something, the camera opens up and it's my face staring back at me. And I'm thinking, first of all, I thought I looked good today. But I don't, clearly, and that is scary. Why can I not get this to pull up the picture I wanted to post?

What is my point? And how the heck does this pertain to addiction, you wonder?

The point is that we need humor in our life.

So often it can get so serious so fast. You're dealing with the stress, the chaos, the dysfunction, and the yuckiness of it all, and you've got to surround yourself with funny people.

When I was married to an alcoholic and substance abuser, I didn't have any friends because I was always so concerned about my husband and my children. I wrote everybody else off.

And I was afraid to leave the house because I wasn't sure what I would come home to. Who would look after the children? Who would monitor his drugs or his drinking?

So I had no friends. You know who my friend was during that time? Oprah Winfrey. I did not have her phone number, but I watched her every single day while I was vacuuming.

And my other group of friends was the Golden Girls.

Between those ladies, I swear they carried me through my divorce.

Oprah is a funny woman. Not only is she funny, but she brought on some of wisest guests that really pertained to the pain that I was suffering and struggling with.

I remember being at Disney about a month ago. And there was a guy who was walking in Epcot. He was walking in England (because Epcot has all the different countries), and he had a white t-shirt on with black font saying, "Dorothy, Rose, Sophia, Blanche."

I don't know what came over me. And he probably thought I was the weirdest human being in the world, but I just took my kids and b-lined to him and said, "The Golden Girls! They saved me during my divorce. I love them!"

We hugged. We had a moment. In Epcot. In England. Hugging over the Golden Girls. So that's how strong of a connection I feel toward those women.

What I am trying to say is read books that are funny. Watch movies or TV shows that make you laugh. Go out and spend some money on things that give you joy and humor in your life because we have to loosen up.

We have to laugh during our recovery.

It is all too serious and all too intense. So go on out there and get Jen Hatmaker's book.

You can get all the Golden Girls episodes on DVD or Apple TV. And if Golden Girls is not your thing, there are some great movies out there.

Tonight, make it a point. Put yourself out there, and surround yourself with people who are funny and that bring you joy.

Greg Horvath resides in Los Angeles, CA, and is a nationally respected motivational speaker, author and producer. For 15 years he's traveled the globe sharing his story of perseverance and overcoming adversity. He views the world through the lens that anyone can build a life they are proud to lead.

Because of Greg's incredible story of overcoming adversity to play college football at age 38, (click here for more info) and his passion to share it, he has become a much sought after motivational speaker. His love of film, which he discovered while studying Communication Arts at Saddleback College, has made him an award winning filmmaker.

The Business of Recovery is the third feature film Greg has produced. Unfinished Business was considered for a Canadian Gemini Award and Hope for the Broken Contender won the American Express People's Choice Award at the Calgary International Film Festival.

Greg is very passionate about The Business of Recovery, a story he felt compelled to tell.

Michelle sat down for a controversial and enlightening interview with the producer of The Business of Recovery, Greg Horvath. Greg struggled with alcohol as a young man, but he overcame his addiction and decided to give back by working in the addiction treatment industry for over 10 years. During this time, he discovered the outdated and questionable treatment recovering addicts were receiving. He's made it his mission to shed light on this $35 billion industry and invoke change for the way addiction is treated by speaking out and making a thought-provoking documentary that was just featured on HBO last Sunday. We encourage you to listen (without judgment) to what Greg has to say. We understand this might ruffle some feathers but we think Greg's message is an important one to hear.

A while ago, I started practicing yoga. I found it incredibly therapeutic and very nurturing. It didn't help me with weight loss, but it did help me take a much-needed timeout from the craziness of the day to center myself. And I loved the way my body felt strong and flexible.

I was coming out of my yoga class one day, and I saw a T-shirt that said "namasté and rosé." I looked at it, and I thought, "Hmm, interesting."

I'm practicing yoga because I want to cleanse my body.

I do hot yoga because I want to release all the toxins from my pores. But I know that alcohol can be toxic, so I wouldn't have put those two together.

I also started seeing all of these pictures of cute and funny jokes about moms and alcohol.

"Save water, drink wine."

"A banana is 105 calories. A shot of whiskey is 80. You do the math."

"If I ever go missing, I want my picture on a wine bottle instead of a milk carton. That way my friends will know I'm missing."

These are funny, right?

But as I started seeing more and more women using alcohol as a joke, as a way to unwind, I started to get a little bit more concerned. And I'm not trying to be Debbie Downer. I'm not trying to be that woman who comes to the party and shames everybody.

But I think there's a growing trend that we need to be aware of, particularly in our community where alcohol plays a very negative role in our lives. We have a love-hate relationship with alcohol, right? So I started thinking about this more and more.

Is this true? Are women now using alcohol more as a dependent to get through the day than they were before? I don't remember my mother ever having T-shirts or stickers or pads of papers about wine or whiskey.

I started to do some research, and I found that the fastest growing segment of people who are abusing alcohol is women.

Yep. More than men. And get this: it's women above the age of 40. Is that not crazy? That's crazy to me. I would never have thought that. So which women have the highest risk of alcohol abuse and alcoholism?

1. Women who have family histories of alcoholism
2. Women who are victims of violence as children or adults
3. Women whose partners are alcoholics
4. Women with binge and purge eating disorders
5. Women with dual diagnosis, especially depression
6. Women who are in transition (meaning divorce or retirement or children leaving home)
7. Older women with grief and loss issues

Those are the women who are at the highest risk of alcohol abuse and alcoholism. It makes sense why it is now becoming the fastest growing segment.

So, if you want to drink, and you feel like you don't have a problem, go for it. Have a drink. And we're going to talk about how much is too much in a second, but I would encourage you to drink when your loved one is not around.

Think about it this way: I want you to pick your favorite food group. Is your favorite food group carbs? Or is it dairy? What about sugar? Pick one of those food groups right now that gives you great joy. Did you pick one?

I want you to imagine that you can never have that food group again. Ever. For the rest of your life. That entire food group.

It's such a serious problem that your life depends on it.

If you had anything within that food group, it could literally mean life or death for you. It could mean jail time or financial disaster. It could mean that you lose your entire family.

But you love this food group. And there are signs, posters, and billboards for it everywhere. You open up a magazine or a book or turn on your TV, and you see that food group everywhere. All of your friends love eating this food group.

You can't escape it. It's impossible. You would have to live in a cave in the middle of a mountain and never come back in order for you never to be faced with the temptation of this food group again. And for the rest of your life, you will have a visual reminder that you can never, ever choose to have this food group again.

That is how your loved one feels about alcohol whether they want to admit that they have a problem or not.

They know they have an issue. And the reason why they are not admitting they have that issue is because they know they're going to have to face what you just pretended you were facing.

So, when someone asks me if they should drink in front of their alcoholic partner, my answer is: why? Why would you? Be that safe person. And when you're around them, support them.

If you're choosing to love them and stay with them, then be there for them. Don't store it in your fridge or keep it in your pantry. When you go out to dinner, order anything but alcohol.

Not having alcohol around the house when you live with an alcoholic is one of the most loving acts of kindness you can do.

I'm not saying you can't ever have a drink again if you don't have a drinking problem. You can go out and have some wine or a drink with your friends. But when your loved one is in your presence, make the loving choice to support them even if they are drinking, and even if they haven't committed to stopping yet.

You need to be a good role model. Not only for your loved one, but for your children. You want your kids to see that not all adults needed to drink. Why? Because there's real proof and evidence that this disease is hereditary.

The longer your children put off drinking, the smaller their chances of addiction become.

So let's get back to when you drink. When you have a drink, how much is too much? What is a healthy dose? According to the University of Washington Medical Center and the US Department of Health and Human Services, no more than one drink per day for daily drinkers.

So if you're drinking every day, seven days per week, no more than one drink is considered healthy. No more than two drinks per day for occasional drinkers.

This got me thinking, "Well, how big is one drink?" That's debatable, right? You can fill a wine glass to the rim. Is that really considered one drink?

One drink is a 12-ounce beer, 5 ounces of wine, or 1.5 ounces of hard liquor.

Now, you might be going, "Okay, so I might have borderline alcohol abuse in my life. I might need to take a closer look at this." Again, no judgment at all. This is common. Heavy drinking for women is three or more drinks per day.

If you're drinking three or more drinks per day, you might need to take a look at yourself.

And if you're like, "Well, Michelle, I don't drink every day," then I'd tell you a binge drinker drinks excessively or out of control with periods of abstinence in between them. A binge for women consists of three or more drinks on one occasion.

So how many times are you having three or more drinks per occasion? If they are pretty close together, you might want to take a look at this.

There's clearly, and scientifically, a growing population of women in the world who are using alcohol as a way to escape, as a numbing, or as a coping mechanism that's unhealthy and that we might need to take a look at.

And if drinking isn't an issue for you, then it shouldn't be an issue to stop it around the person you love.

Really, that's the truth.

For me, I chose not to drink when I was married to an alcoholic for two reasons: one is that I hated alcohol because it was ruining our family. I never wanted to see it, smell it, or look at it ever again. It was killing my husband.

At the time, it was causing my kids to be ripped off of their father. It was robbing us of our money. It was just horrible, and I wanted nothing to do with it.

The other reason I didn't want to drink is because I wanted to be a good role model for my kids. I could see that my husband was falling apart. I knew that they were noticing. They're not stupid, and even though they were very young, they could tell that the liquid in that glass made Daddy act differently after he finished it.

I wanted to be their safe spot.

And I wanted to show them not every adult has to do this. You get to choose, and you don't have to drink when you grow up. So those are the reasons why I chose not to drink for nine years.

I hope this helps answer your question. I know, for some of you, it's not the answer you want to hear. And if you disagree with me, that's fine. Disagree with me. It doesn't mean that you need to unsubscribe or write me an angry email. Don't. Just disagree with me, and choose to do something different.

I'm telling you what I think is right based on research and my own personal experience, but you reserve the right to form your own opinion. That's the beauty of this community.

I'm teaching you from a place of love, but we all reserve the right to take ownership of our own lives, our own decisions, and our own choices.

I love each one of you, and I am here for you every step of the way.

If you're not a part of our community yet, join us! You have thousands of women just like you waiting to welcome you with arms wide open. You can learn more about our programs by clicking here.

The Harvey Weinstein case came about several months ago, and one of the women in our community and I were talking about it. She said, "You know, Michelle, I feel like this is an opportunity for us to address such a common problem."

I have a done a lot of research to prepare for this post because I take this topic very seriously.

Did you know that abuse thrives in isolation and that 50% of men in recovery admit that they have been physically abusive to their partner or spouse? And my guess is that close to 100% of men in recovery have been verbally abusive.

Let's get started by determining what abuse looks like. And you might have started off reading this thinking, "Well, Michelle, I'm not really in an abusive relationship."

And hopefully that's true, but will you promise me to read this and let me teach you what abuse looks and sounds like? If it doesn't apply to you, then great, you'll have confirmation and peace of mind. You'll also have the tools to help another sister in our community who is going through this.

But you might be surprised. Addiction might be pulling a fast one on you. And there might be more abuse in your relationship than you're aware of. So please, please give me just a few minutes of your day.

I can't promise this is going to be a quick read because there's a lot of good stuff in here, but I can tell you it will be rich with information, helpful, and applicable.

You are in a safe place with me. There's no judgment. We are a sisterhood, and we're all experiencing very similar things. We don't judge ourselves, and we don't judge each other.

This might be the most important article you'll ever read.

So please keep an open heart and mind because we are in this together.

I'm going to ask you some questions. And I want you to take the time to really think them over. Ask yourself: Does this apply to me? Is there any truth to this in my life?

You know one of our core beliefs in the Love Over Addiction community is that we do the work. We're not powerless over this disease. We don't just need to sit back and wait for them to get sober. We are willing and committed to doing the work.

Recovery doesn't come without amazing effort and the desire to be truthful with ourselves.

Think of your loved one for a moment, and think about the effort that you know it will take for them to choose long-term sobriety. It is a huge commitment that takes a lot of energy, tons of love, lots of thought and research, and work. That same amount of energy is what you need to recover yourself.

The amount of effort that your loved one needs to put into their sobriety is the exact amount of effort you need to put into your recovery.

So I hope and pray that you will stop in between these questions and really answer them. Nobody is around for you to judge. This is just between you and me. Are you ready?

Here are the signs and symptoms that you've been in an abusive relationship:

Does he/she make you afraid by using looks or actions or gestures?

Does he/she smash things, destroy property, abuse pets, or display weapons?

Are they putting you down, making you feel bad about being yourself, or calling you names?

Are they making you think you're crazy?

Does he/she play mind games or humiliate you and make you feel guilty?

Does he/she control what you do, who you see and talk to, or what you read and where you go?

Are they limiting your outside involvement?

Do they use their jealousy to justify their actions?

Are they making light of the abuse and not taking your concerns about it seriously?

Is he/she saying the abuse didn't happen, shifting responsibility for abusive behavior, or saying you caused it?

Does he/she make you feel guilty about the children, use them to relay messages, or use visitation to harass you?

Do they threaten to take the children away?

Is he/she treating you like a servant, making all the big decisions, acting like the master of the castle, and being the one to define your role in the relationship?

Are they preventing you from getting or keeping a job?

Does he/she make you ask for money?

Are they giving you an allowance or taking your money?

Is he/she not letting you know about or have access to the family income?

Do they make or carry out threats to do something to hurt you?

Is he/she threatening to leave you or commit suicide?

Is he/she making you drop charges against him or making you do illegal things?

These are all ways addiction exerts power and control over us, and this is physical, mental, sexual, and verbal abuse. If you answered yes to any of these, you are not alone. I promise you. There are so many of us in this Love Over Addiction community who have experienced this. We understand.

And I know for me, when I was in this type of relationship, I felt like I was the one to blame.

I let the addiction make me feel like I was the problem and that somehow, someway, I asked for it.

I don't have an issue with speaking up for myself. And sometimes, when you have a bad habit of nagging, yelling, or acting out of control, it can feel like you asked for it, right? It feels like you asked for this kind of abuse. It can feel like you helped take things to the next level. And maybe if you were that quiet girl, he wouldn't have gotten so mean and cruel.

That's how I used to feel. He wouldn't have had to do what he did if I was the timid and well-behaved girl. The woman and the wife who was quiet and small.

But can I be your friend and tell you the loving truth? That is BS. That's the kind of lie that this disease wants you to believe because guess what: we have women in this community who are quiet. They're the ones who internalize all of their feelings and anger, and they still get abused.

Nobody, under any circumstance, should ever, ever abuse you, even if you've gone off your rocker and made a big mistake.

There is never any justification for abuse, and it's grounds to leave forever and never return.

If you're a woman of faith, I'm going to make a very bold statement here that I am completely prepared to back up. God does not want you in an abusive relationship. You are His child whom He adores. Would you want your child in an abusive relationship?

What would you do if your young child called you and said somebody was abusing them in the playground, or if they were a grown adult, their partner was abusing them?

Would you say to that child, "Oh, just stick it out. Toughen up. Grow up. This is partly your responsibility. What did you do to cause this?" You wouldn't say that. You would help them pack their bags, give them a safe place to stay, and do anything you could to protect the one you love.

That feeling is how God feels about you. But He can't force you to leave. He's not going to pack your bag for you. That's your work. If you're staying out of guilt over what your church or religion is telling you, I am boldly saying and declaring you are focusing on the wrong opinion.

Too many of us have been putting up with abuse for too long.

Addiction and abuse go hand in hand. And if the ones we love are abusing us, it's time we stick up for ourselves.

Now that we have covered what abuse looks like, we are going to talk about why we put up with it. And there are basically four reasons why we don't speak up about abuse.

1. We love them. And the idea of being alone and leaving is frightening. So we stick it out, and we hope that it will get better. We try our best not to upset them, and we live in fear that he will lash out again, but leaving would make them really, really mad.

We don't want to leave, we just want them to stop being abusive.

And trying to escape seems impossible. So we hang on to hope that if we become a better woman, or if we try harder, he will change.

2. We feel like were partly to blame—like somehow we antagonized them, or we allowed it and didn't speak up or stand up for ourselves. We asked for it if we were in an argument and they hit or pushed or attacked us or put us down or yelled at us.

And we might blame ourselves for being too loud or assertive. We tell ourselves if we were just quiet and agreeable, this would never have happened.

We are intimidated and bullied into thinking that somehow this is our fault.

So we are left with feelings of shame.

3. We are not sure if this really is abuse because they can be so kind afterward. They know that in order to lure you back in, they need to be charming and apologetic, and then they need to bribe you emotionally or financially or physically. And then they abuse you again.

It's this cycle that never ends until you get out and away.

4. We're smart women, so we feel like we can't really be in an abusive relationship. Usually, we find ourselves in an abusive relationship, and we think, "Well, there's no way that this is truly abusive. This isn't the obvious abuse that is portrayed on the Lifetime TV movie."

But for the most part, you think your partner is a good person, and you're a smart woman.

Abuse doesn't happen to people like you.

Look at the example of the women in Hollywood. Those women were successful, beautiful, gifted women. Abusive relationships happen to people of all different backgrounds. It's not subjective.

So now that we have covered what abuse sounds and looks like, and we spoke of why we put up with abusive relationships, what can we do about it? I am going to give you a resource that I want you to write down.

All my data and research on the topic of abuse was done through this amazing organization. It's called The National Domestic Violence Hotline, and you can find them at TheHotline.org. They are an independent resource that offers a free hotline with trained and skilled staff who specialize in this topic.

I have spoken to them professionally many times, and they are truly wonderful. And they will help you come up with a safe plan. They have safety plans for you and your children, for you and your pets, for you during your pregnancy, and any other situation you can think of.

Now, you don't have to implement the plan right away. I'm not telling you if you're feeling panicked, and your heart's fluttering, that you need to go home and pack your bags immediately; you don't.

You don't have to implement this plan right away. Part of leaving is coming up with a strategy.

You have to have a plan in order to execute this correctly.

You can also get the plans on their website, so if you don't feel like calling the hotline specifically, all that information is still available to you. I am not trying to scare you, but rather lovingly teach you that abuse is not normal in a relationship. You don't have anything to be ashamed of, my sister.

This is not your fault. Even though the one you love can be very charming, that does not mean they are not abusive. There are wonderful examples in your life of healthy relationships.

That is what you deserve. That is what your children deserve to have modeled for them. It is time for you to consider that you have the courage inside of you to stand up to abusive relationships once and for all.

I am right here with you. I believe in you 110%.

And if you are one of those people right now who has been listening to the podcast or reading the blog, but you haven't joined our community, I am telling you that it takes a village, and we are your village.

We are real women all over the world who are waiting to encourage you, to lift you up, to give you advice, and to tell you what worked for us.

Think about it. We are all a collective voice that is waiting to help heal you, nurture you, and nurse you back to health.

You do not need to do this by yourself. If you are that woman, please consider one of our programs. I'm telling you that they work, and they can be life-changing when you make your healing a priority. You can check us out at TheLoveOverWay.com.

Isn't it frustrating when you love somebody who seems so out of control and you don't know how to help? Your heart hurts for them. They are hurting your heart, and you just need help.

I remember being that woman and loving a very good man who was so full of potential. He was very good looking, super popular, and could do calculus in ninth grade as well as write poetry.

He was the full package. And he was funny. We met in high school, reconnected later on, fell in love, and had three wonderful children together.

I never experienced addiction, so I did not know what it looked like. It took me about two years to figure it out (which is a long time, I know), but love makes you blind, doesn't it? I remember going through this feeling incredibly alone. And I kept it a secret because I wanted to protect him.

I struggled for years by myself.

I thought, "If I ever figure out the answers, if I can ever be of service to anyone, I will dedicate the rest of my life teaching other women what worked for me."

So that's what this is: the blog, the Wife of an Alcoholic Podcast, the Love Over Addiction program, the Love Over Boundaries program, the Love Over Mistakes program, and all of the collective efforts that we have in store for 2018. We have big plans for this community. I'm so glad you joined us today. We are going to talk about your recovery. And I'm going to warn you. It's going to be a little in-your-face. I'm sorry, but I just have this burning desire to be super truthful with you.

And I want you to be told the truth from somebody who loves you and gets it. I didn't read this in a textbook.

I personally experienced this for 10 years—loving somebody with addiction. So every day, all day long, addiction is my world, and I feel like you can trust me.

Also, when I tell you these loving truths, there's no judgment because I used to do this. I used to make these same mistakes. I'm about to say something that you might not want to want to hear. Are you ready? Here's the deal: you are addicted too.

You're addicted too.

And it's not your fault. Addiction is called a family disease for a reason, and it has conditioned you. You have been tricked and fooled into trying too darn hard to fix someone who isn't ready for recovery.

Did you hear that?

You've been tricked and fooled into trying too hard.

You're trying too hard to fix somebody. Too much of your effort and too much of your thought, too much of your time, anxiety, and emotions are going towards trying to help somebody who is not ready to be helped. So, what do you do? Are you hopeless? Do you give up? Well, if you know anything about this community and my belief system, it is absolutely not hopeless.

You are in no way, shape, or form helpless.

It is not fundamentally healthy for you to just sit back and go, "You know what, I'm surrendering everything. I'm going to wait until they decide to get sober to start feeling better."

We are in charge of our own recovery, and we are not powerless.

So just like the one you love needs to decide that they have hit rock bottom, you need to decide you've hit your own rock bottom. And that day is today. It's going to be the day you are willing to change your old patterns and start a new beginning. You're going to rely on your courage, and yes, you have it. It's deep inside your bones. I promise you.

But courage does not show up when you're folding laundry.

It does not happen until you draw upon it and you step out in faith and try to do something courageous. And you need courage. You need it to break the dangerous and deadly cycle of addiction.

You might be saying, "Michelle, I'm not the one with the problem. I'm not the one drinking or doing drugs. I am not the one surfing porn at 2 am.

It's not me who's leaving my family and not coming back for hours at a time. I'm the one who's responsible and takes care of everything. I'm the one who's reliable and honest." And I get it. You're thinking your loved one is the one whose life is out of control. I'm going to spend the first part of our time together today teaching you what you could possibly be addicted to. Are you with me? I promise this will have a happy ending, and this will help you.

You're addicted to helping them.

I'm almost certain most of you found me because you were looking for help for them. I hear it all the time. You're researching ways for them to get sober, and I show up on your phone, desktop, or tablet.

Here's the deal: if you're currently reading anything about addiction, I want you to put it back on the shelf or close out of the browser. No more researching about addiction. That's one way you are addicted to helping them.

You're addicted to the drama.

I know that hurt to hear. I remember when someone told me that, and it stung so bad. But when I gave it some thought, and I took a break and really thought about that, I realized they might have a point.

Addiction has conditioned you to expect drama. You ride the highs of hope when they tell you they will get sober, and then you experience the despair and disappointment when you find out they were lying. I live in Florida. So it's like a ride at Disney World called Addiction, and we're all in line for it. We're all taking this ride together. And it is going up and down, and if we were to get to a point in the ride where it's slow and steady, it almost becomes uncomfortable for us.

We don't know what to do with ourselves. So we get antsy, and we get untrusting. Sometimes in those slow and steady moments, we create the drama because we've been conditioned to do so.

You're addicted to the rejection.

There is a part of you that deep down inside believes you are not worthy of the love that you crave. You're sitting here asking your loved one to become this person you need.

I'm not trying to get super psychological on you, but if the one you love became everything you're hoping for, do you think you would be fully ready to accept that kind of love? Like I said, I can raise my hand to every single one of these. When I left my ex-husband with my three kids, and I started dating Brian who is now my husband, I didn't realize that I wasn't ready to accept that kind of love. Brian, my husband, is the type of man who is reliable, trustworthy, and shows up when he says he's going to. He always does the right thing. I love that about him. He's the slow and steady one, and he loves me so much. He does things for me that just blow me away. I'm a runner in my relationships. When things get difficult, I have always been the one to leave. I beat them to the punch when I think there's a possibility of rejection. I used to tell myself it was because I needed space to think, but that wasn't quite true.

It was just a very dysfunctional coping mechanism. And I realized how dysfunctional it was with Brian because there was nothing this man was doing that was causing me to grab my keys and my purse and run out the door.

It was out of fear.

And truthfully, it was a knee-jerk reaction from being so wounded and broken in my first marriage. I still had a lot of work to do to reprogram myself, but I couldn't do it without getting into another relationship. I had done as much work as I possibly could on myself as an individual when I was a single mom. But there was still work to do that showed up when I got into another relationship with a man. And I worked through that. Here's how it happened. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was feeling insecure and afraid, and I grabbed my keys.

Brian came to me, put his hand on top of my hand where I had grabbed the keys, looked me right in the eye, and said, "No more. If you walk out that door right now, you cannot walk back in. I'm done with this; you cannot leave every time things get tough." And you know what? I was so stinking grateful that someone called me out on this whole cycle of leaving because I was afraid of being rejected by him. So I want to challenge you. Let's say you leave your current relationship and you're in another one. And you were loved absolutely, unconditionally the way that I craved and the way you crave.

Would you be ready for that kind of love?

Do you feel worthy of that? Do you feel like you genuinely deserve to be cherished? If the answers are "no," "I'm not sure," or "I think that would be very hard for me to accept," then you need recovery. These are just some of the ways we are addicted. I cover way more of this in the Love Over Addiction program. So now, if you can identify with anything that I just shared, here's what I want you to do about it:

You need to start your own recovery. Today. Right now.

Have you ever met or heard about someone who works their sobriety into almost every conversation, or they spend the rest of their lives trying to help other people recover?

They are on fire for their recovery. They are the type of people you respect because they are the ones who are always putting their recovery and self-care first.

That's who I want you to become about your recovery. You need to be that woman who is on fire and puts her recovery first because you are addicted.

And in order to break the addiction that you have, you need to embrace and prioritize your recovery as much as your addict does. So how do you do this? You need to join the Love Over Addiction program if you have not already done so.

I have the tools that you need, but it's up to you to choose to save yourself—to choose your recovery and guard it with your life.

And until you do, you are dying a slow death.

If you've joined the program already and you are part of our community, this is your loving kick in the butt, sister. Make your healing a priority. If you are not inside that program every day, if you're not taking out your workbook, it's not enough. You almost need to memorize that program.

And you need to hear my voice in your head when the next chaotic situation comes up so you are strong in your recovery, and you know exactly how to handle it.

You think, "Okay, here's my list of tools." It's almost like a Rolodex going through your head, and you know what to say, you know what to do, and you're strong enough to follow through with it. And if you make your healing a priority, where you are today will not be where you are 30 days from now. You will be in a completely different place.

You will be in an even better place 60 days from now. And where you'll be a year from now is a whole other world—a whole other vicinity.

You can't even imagine the amazing, strong, and courageous woman you will become. But you have to guard your recovery with your life. It's that difficult and that simple. So, if you're interested, check us out at LoveOverAddiction.com. Also, listen to the Wife of an Alcoholic Podcast. I haven't mentioned this in a while, but we have another podcast which is amazing. It's called Love Over Addiction, and it's me interviewing and coaching women in our community. Their stories will blow your mind. You will listen to them, and you will say, "That is me." And that's proof that we are all in this together. You are not alone. I am here for you.

We are all here for you. You are doing great. It doesn't matter if you fail today. Tomorrow is a new day. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off.

Remember that addiction wants to fool you into believing that you are powerless, you are not worthy of love, and there's nothing you can do. I'm here to be a louder voice in your head saying, "Honey, you've got this. You are not helpless. You're strong. You're courageous." It's okay if you want to fall apart today. Make space for that.

Then dry your tears off, pick yourself back up, listen to the program, and keep working it. I've got your back. This is not going to be helpless forever.

I love you, and I am here for you every step of the way.

Addiction thrives on the fact that it can mess with our minds.

We get confused and feel guilty when our expectations are not met by our partner, particularly when we love a good man or a good woman who's suffering from this disease.

We start to think, "Is what I'm asking for too much? Are my expectations too high? Is what I'm craving something normal, or should I not be asking so much from my partner?"

The four basic needs of a relationship involve love, attention, affection, and help from your partner. But are you expecting those four basic needs from somebody who can consistently meet them in a healthy way?

You should not feel guilty for expecting those needs to be met from the person you want to share the rest of your life with or your son or daughter.

Are you expecting them to love you like you deserve to be loved though? Are you expecting them to show up consistently—to be truthful at all times and every occasion? Because love is trust. Do you expect them to be kind? Because love is not rude. Love protects you.

Love is your safe spot. It's your landing point. It's the place that you feel called back to again and again after a hard day.

Are there times in your life that you want to share with your partner, but they are absent? Are you counting on them to give you more attention than their addiction?

What about affection? Do you desire for your partner to respect your heart and your feelings enough to trust them with your body? Are you expecting to feel safe with them when you're intimate and vulnerable?

And do you expect them to see you when you need help? Do you want your loved one to anticipate your needs and be thoughtful enough to meet them?

Love, attention, affection, and help are four basic needs for anybody in a committed, loving relationship.

Here's the truth: each one is necessary from both partners. If your needs are not being met, it's okay to feel upset. It is acceptable for you to take a pause and mourn the idea that as long as addiction is constantly in your relationship, chances are, those four basic needs are not going to be met for you on a regular basis.

It is almost impossible for your loved one to manage their active addiction and meet your expectations. I've never seen it happen.

More than likely, if your loved one is suffering from a drug addiction, a porn addiction, a sex addiction, or an alcohol addiction, it's preoccupying most of their thoughts, so they're not thinking about your needs and how to meet them.

You're probably feeling used when you're intimate with your partner because you recognize that your heart, your mind, and your spirit are not being respected enough.

But in this community, we believe you are not helpless.

You can come to the point where you say, "Michelle, I am going to leave because I feel in my heart that I deserve something better. I deserve those four basic needs to be met by my partner." Or you can decide to stay and say, "I'm not ready to leave. This partner is worth the pain and the suffering, and I'm willing to readjust my expectations in order to remain in this relationship and stay happy."

Either one of those choices is fine. But you're going to have to lower your expectations for the person that you love.

You can provide yourself with the kind of love that you're looking for and needing from your partner. YOU.

Remove the responsibility from the person whom you love to meet your needs.

Now, I know that's not easy to do, and I know that's heartbreaking, but those feelings of anger, disappointment, and resentment will disappear if you start taking care of yourself.

How do you do that?

Love: how do you meet the basic need of love if your partner isn't making you feel adored? If you're a member of the Love Over Addiction program or you've listened to the podcasts, you've heard me say this before:

Do something kind for yourself every single day.

Every night I reward myself for working hard for my family, for you, and for myself by taking a bubble bath. And I soak in it as long as I need to while reading my favorite book.

That is my reward. I turn down the lights, and I close the door. That's when I fill my cup up.

If you're not into that, that's okay. So is it cooking? Is it making time to exercise, paint, or do your nails? Whatever it is for you, make a list, and do something nice for yourself every day.

By doing that, you are loving yourself.

Next is attention. What do you do if the one you love doesn't give you attention? I know this is very common in the world of addiction. They don't come home when they say they're going to come home, or they take off when they want a drink.

It's between you (or your children) and addiction to get your loved one's attention. So how do you get that need met if they're not fulfilling it?

This is huge, so don't miss it: you need friends. I know that you are feeling lonely. And you're feeling lonely because you're not getting out of the house enough and having fun.

You're feeling lonely because you're giving too much attention to the person you love instead of the loving people who are around you.

You're giving yourself, and everything good that you have to offer, away to somebody who is not fully able to appreciate it. So take some of it back, and give it to the people in your life who are waiting for you to reach out.

I want you to make friends and invest in them. Get out of your pain and your struggles enough to text somebody and say, "How are you doing? What's going on with you? Do you want to go for a walk this week? Would you like to meet for dinner?" Join a group or a class, and meet new people.

There are too many of us who struggle with loneliness because we are afraid to leave the house and not be there to control the ones we love.

Let it go.

I remember being in year five of my relationship with my ex-husband who was addicted to drugs and alcohol. I had lost all of my friends, and I was so lonely because I didn't want to let anyone in on the secret that I was struggling with this.

Put yourself out there.

I promise the more you try, and the more consistent you are, the more that it's going to pay off. Pretty soon, you're going to find yourself with three or four really amazing friends. You're going to be so grateful that you did. So that's how you get the attention that you're looking for.

Lastly, you crave affection. You want to be lovingly touched, and you want to hold hands with somebody. You need affection. Your children can provide this. I personally force my teenagers to hug me. They roll their eyes.

If you don't have kids you can get that attention from, go get a massage. Go get a facial. Get your nails done. Also, yoga. I don't know what it is, but hot yoga in particular really seems to give you that connection to your body that you're looking for.

So, those are your four basic needs from a relationship. And I've just taught you how to meet every single one of those needs, whether they decide to get sober or not.

The key takeaway here is to lower your expectations.

And the quicker that you do this, the quicker your recovery will come from loving somebody with addiction. Forget having your needs met by the person you love for now. If they get better and they get sober long-term (one year or more), great. Then, you can re-adjust your expectations. But if they are actively suffering from addiction, you need to look elsewhere.

As soon as you start implementing these tools and tips, I promise you will start to feel better. You will start to feel like the kind, loving, and smart woman that I know you are.

You can do this. You're not alone. You have all of your sisters. Particularly, if you join one of our programs, you've got thousands of women cheering you on and telling you, "Do not give up."

Do not turn around and go backward. Keep moving forward and taking the steps that you need. Get out of the house. Meet your own needs. Make space for yourself. You've got this.

Deciding whether to stay or leave is an extremely common topic in our community. You can't blame us, right? We long for the day addiction will let go of the one we love so dearly, but we're not sure how much more we can take.

Today I want to tell you about a tool that is available to you, but it's not brought up often. This tool is a wonderful way to help you determine what you want for your future, and it's called separation.

I'm not going to tell you that you should leave, and I'm not going to tell you to stay. I'm just going to teach you about the benefits of separation and ask, if you are struggling with staying or leaving, to consider this an option.

Before we get to the benefits of separation, I want to explain the reasons we choose to stay with them and why we choose to live in this place of tension where one day we think we're in this for the long haul, and the next day we are ready to walk out the door.

A lot of people look at women like us and go, "I don't understand why you're not choosing to leave."

We either get judged for staying in the chaos, or we get judged for leaving because it is a "sin." People tell us we can't leave because of what our kids, neighbors, or church might think about us. I totally get it. I dealt with that for almost 10 years. So why do we choose to stay in an unhealthy relationship? We go into great detail in the Love Over Addiction program, but today we're going to briefly cover the top six reasons.

1. We love them. This sounds obvious, right? But a lot of people look at us and go, "How could you love somebody who makes those choices?" We love them because ultimately, you and I understand these are good people. Underneath the cloak of addiction is a wonderful, beautiful human being who is worthy of love and compassion. We are gifted at being able to see people who are often overlooked, and we recognize the light in them.
2. If we have kids in the house, the idea of being a full-time single mom is scary and exhausting. This was one of my biggest fears. I was scared of being a single mom because it was nice to be able to pass the ball to somebody occasionally.
3. If we have children, we're worried that they are going to judge or blame us because they don't understand why we need to leave.
4. We are afraid of what other people will think. Most of my life I would smile when I really wanted to cry, and I would say things were great when things were far from great. I wasn't willing to let people in on my secret because I didn't want people judging the man that I loved. I didn't want them to think I was a failure. So I kept a lie going on with everyone around me—even my closest family members—for years just hoping that he would keep it together around them. It's funny because looking back now, once I finally had the courage to tell everybody, they already knew.
5. We're afraid of being alone. The idea of waking up without somebody next to you, celebrating holidays without the one you love, or not having anyone to come home to is scary. That makes your heart hurt a little.
6. We are afraid of how we're going to survive financially. A lot of us are stay-at-home moms, retired, or depend on a dual income for our families, and we ask ourselves if we have enough money to maintain our lifestyle.

All six of these fears are real and valid, so do not judge yourself for having any of them. But I'm going to make a suggestion that I think would help solve a lot of those fears. It is a topic that we have not spoken of before. It's called separation.

Before I go over some of the benefits, let me first define what I mean by separation.

Either you are picking up and relocating or the one you love is picking up and relocating long-term—30 days or more.

I want you to think of a separation as your personal rehab. I don't think there is a program out there that says, "We'll have them back to you in two weeks completely rehabilitated." Most rehabs last 30 days, but often suggest the addict stay for 60 or 90 days.

And I think it would be better (if you can swing it) for you to be the one that removes themselves from the situation. I'll tell you why when I go through the benefits.

I also think it's important for you to remember that your intentions for separation cannot be to get your loved one sober.

If you decide to separate, it cannot be from a place of manipulation. It has to be because you understand that this is in your best interest, whether they get sober or not.

Now, let's talk about separation. Why would it be beneficial to our relationship?

The first benefit is that it is not a final decision.

It's basically a timeout. You're saying, "I have to figure this out. I'm not sure if this is the right answer, but I need some time."

And when you create personal space away from addiction, you are able to get a clear mind. It actually strengthens you. Once you spend your first night alone, you'll realize that every additional night will help you feel like you can make this happen long term if you choose to.

Addiction tries to make you feel like you are incapable of changing. It wants you to stay stuck because then it remains in control. Here are some examples of the lies addiction tells you.

You're never going to be happy on your own.

You're never going to be able to handle your life by yourself.

You are never going to find anyone who's going to cherish you and love you.

You are unworthy of any type of love that you have now.

The voice of addiction grows weaker and weaker the longer you're away from it. It makes space for the truth to become louder and stronger. So taking a break strengthens you. It also confirms you.

There is part of you that truly believes you are worthy of being loved.

It might be buried very deep inside you, and you might not have been in touch with it for a long time, but there is a part of you that believes you have something beautiful and unique to offer.

The second benefit of separation is that it will restore you.

You are exhausted. Addiction wears you down. Your mind is focused on trying to figure out how to save the one you love. Separation allows you to restore yourself, relax, regenerate, and step away from the abuse and anxiety about your future.

You can sit down in a cozy chair with a cup of tea and be in control of the next few hours of your evening because you've created a safe place, and you're not worried about the dysfunction. You're allowing yourself to heal.

And finally, the last benefit of separation is that after you are rested and restored, you will find yourself established.

This time you have given yourself will allow you to experience what it feels like to leave. If you want to return, you will know that you are returning because it is your choice. You accept that you love someone with this disease, and you are willing to accept that and all that comes with it.

You are established enough to make up your mind to return to the relationship as a healthy partner with realistic expectations, or you have decided that you are ready to leave. The restoration, confirmation, and strength that the separation has provided you is enough to help you come to the understanding that you are going to leave. You are strong enough and capable enough to make a different choice for your future.

Those are the benefits of separation: clarity of mind and clarity of heart.

You just need to have the courage to step out and put addiction at a distance so you can gain clarity.

I'm not saying you need to do this today, but I wanted to introduce the idea and teach you the benefits.

If you're ready to consider separation as a possibility, I challenge you to start thinking about the details today.

• Where would you live?
• If you have young kids, how would you work out the visitation arrangements?
• What would you do financially?

Don't get stuck when you feel you've hit a wall and think there's no way you can make this work. You can get creative. There might be a friend of yours who has an apartment above a garage that they're willing to lend you for a while. There might be a family member who's willing to help with the kids.

There are ways that you can make this happen. How uncomfortable are you willing to get to find the answer?

I love each and every one of you, and I hope you found this helpful.

If you haven't joined one of our programs yet, what are you waiting for? It's time to make your healing a priority.

Detaching is a big buzzword in the recovery community. I hear a lot from the women in our secret Facebook group that detaching with love is almost impossible because it requires you to remove your emotions from the situation and from the outcome.

So, let's say your loved one starts making bad choices by having a few drinks. Your instant reaction is to get upset and to feel like you've been punched in the gut again because they lied. They said they were going to get better. They said they weren't drinking.

Your detachment would mean you go through that immediate process, and then you auto correct yourself, and you say, "I'm not going to go in there and nag. I'm not going to point out that they know that I know. I am not going to yell or scream or have a temper tantrum. I'm not going to sulk. I'm just going to let that dysfunction happen, and I'm going to move on."

That's ultimately what detachment is: it's taking away your power from somebody else's actions.

It's saying, "I'm going to choose to be responsible and accountable for how I feel in this moment regardless of what's going on around me."

A lot of women in our community say, "Okay, Michelle, I get that, but then I can't get back in touch with the love that I have for them because I'm removing all of my emotions to prevent getting hurt. So how can I let my guard down, be vulnerable, and trust them but detach at the same time?"

It's super hard, right? It's a point of tension where you're vulnerable and having a moment of real connection.

You have a great weekend with the person you love, and you think everything's going to be better. Then they come in, and they're high, or you catch them in a lie about their addiction, and you've been sucker punched. You think, "I should have detached. If I were detached, I wouldn't have felt that pain."

I want you to know that these are normal feelings.

What I'm going to teach you today is all about how to get to the point where you're not riding this roller coaster ride of vulnerability and detachment. I'm going to teach you how to respect yourself enough to honor your feelings regardless of what's going on with your addict.

And the way you do that is to get busy. Stop trying to invest in whether they are going to get sober or not.

Lower your expectations for the one you love.

So basically, you start off by saying, "I completely accept the fact that the person I am in love with might never get sober."

That is a very hard thing to do. And I'm not saying that's going to happen overnight.

But I want you to think about your next week, your next month, your next year, and then the next three years. I want you to imagine where you're going to live, how old your children will be (if you have children), and, if you'll be working, what kind of job you will have.

In all those milestones, I want you to imagine your partner is still sick. There's no improvement. And this disease is progressive, so if they don't get help today or tomorrow, you know it's going to be worse next week and the week after that.

I'm not trying to crush your hope, but what I am saying is that if you go into your relationship with those expectations, it's a pleasant surprise if they ever get sober. It's a wonderful, miraculous thing that occurred.

And if they don't get sober, they remain struggling, and you choose to stay with them, this gives you the best chance of happiness. I know that sounds completely backwards, but it's true because you're no longer living in a state of disappointment.

The reason why you feel like you're on this roller coaster ride is because there is some part of you that still hangs on to hope and believes they're going to get sober tomorrow.

So, if you let go of the promises of good behavior, and you let go of any kind of hope they're going to get sober for good, that allows you to get off the roller coaster ride.

It's allowing you to say, "I fully accept that my loved one is struggling with a disease, and ultimately, I have no control over it. So if I am choosing to stay, I am choosing to accept this person for who they are today, their struggles and all."

That's the first step of detaching. The second step, once you've freed yourself of expectation, is to get busy. You need to join a gym, or you need to join a book club. Get involved with your grandbabies.

It doesn't matter what you choose to do, but don't sit around waiting like a hall monitor looking for all the ways or signs or symptoms they are still addicted. Get on with your life, and find joys in other areas.

If you're like, "Michelle, I heard you say that before, and that's not working well," then you haven't found something that ultimately gives you joy yet. You need to keep searching.

Ultimately, the goal is to get you to have such a joyful life with passions, hobbies, friends, and self-care that it doesn't matter what they're doing. They could be totally sober or completely wasted, and either way, you've created this very rich, fulfilling life for yourself.

The lie that addiction wants you to believe is that you need a partner to have a joyful life.

You don't need someone sober in your life in order to achieve that joy. That's a lie. You can be alone. You can be a single mom, a single woman, or a married woman completely uninvested in their recovery and surrounded by this very joyful life.

I hope this helps break down detaching in a way that makes it tangible for you. And I understand that what I wrote in this post is particularly challenging and could be devastating.

But I believe in being truthful with you. I believe in getting you to that joyful life, and sometimes that means hearing things that make us uncomfortable.

I love you, and I know you can have that life. I believe you can have this support and love in your life no matter what the one you love decides to do or not.