Love Over Addiction

I'm a big fan of Brené Brown. In one of her books, she talks about being vulnerable, and she has a rule that I'm about to break.

The rule is that you don't speak of the things you are vulnerable about in public until you've actually worked through them and given them space to heal. I think that's wonderful advice. I'm a big believer in that.

But I'm going to break that rule because I feel such a sense of urgency to share with you what's going on with me. I think it's what's going on with you too.

Together, we can become stronger and help each other out. I always try to be the type of friend who is real and who never portrays that I have it all together.

With all that being said, I want to tell you what's going on with me. I'm not going to get too specific because I believe in protecting the privacy of everybody.

I believe in sharing, but I also believe in being dignified and respectful about it.

There is somebody in my life right now who is bullying me and sending horrible, unkind messages that are difficult to read and completely false.

This person doesn't know me very well. I think I've met them three times in my life and had very short conversations with them. So, they're getting misinformation, and they have an ulterior motive for what they're doing.

I am aware that I'm undeserving of this and that it's uncalled for. It's mean, it's cruel, and it's difficult. As I'm receiving this harassment from this person, I thought of you all because I always think of you guys.

I thought about the way it reminded me of my first marriage, and the way addiction used to bully and harass me. I also thought about how all of you reading this probably feel bullied and harassed by addiction too.

We are told that we're worthless. We are told that we should be ashamed of ourselves. We're told that we are not fun, we are overdramatic, we're never happy, or never good enough. We are told that we are crazy. We're told that we're controlling. We are told that we nag. And we are reminded of all of the things that make us feel insecure.

That's addictions way of trying to get us to be quiet.

Addiction is trying to put you in your place. It's trying to say to you, "Listen, lady, you need to shut your mouth, sit down, and be quiet because I'm in control of this situation. I'm in control of your finances, your family, and all the extra free time of the person you love. I am in control."

You are left feeling completely devastated. Your heart is broken. You feel like you've been beaten up, and you're marred and cut and broken.

That is a horrible feeling. And if you're feeling like that today, I am right here with you. We can feel beaten up and broken together.

But as I was thinking about this, I realized that addiction is a bully. It doesn't matter who you are. You could be Mother Teresa or Oprah. You could even be God, and addiction would be trying to do the same thing to them as it is to you.

You're an obstacle, and addiction's goal is to get everything out of the way so that it can remain in control of the person you love.

So, do not take this personally. This is not your fault.

We have lots of podcasts and tools in the program that can teach you how to regain control because I do not believe that we are powerless at all; I think that's a bunch of bull. We do have power.

We have choices. We are not helpless, and we do not have to sit around and wait for things to get better in order to start feeling better.

So, what do you do when you've been bullied? What do you do when addiction is trying to put you in your place with a bunch of lies? Do you retaliate and fight back? Do you walk away and give up?

The first thing that you do is take a deep breath. You have to pause. When this person was sending me text messages, I did not respond. I'm a feisty woman, so my initial instinct was to fight back. But I took a deep pause, I put my phone away, and I thought, "I need to get quiet. I need to make space to think about this."

And then I asked myself, "Is there any truth to this? Do I need to be refined? Is there some lesson I need to learn?" This is clearly not a healthy way for someone to teach me a lesson. It's not dignified, rational, or kind. It is cruel, and it's mean-spirited. But if I sift all of that away, and if I'm left with just the words, is there a point they're trying to make?"

I thought about that and said, "No, there's no point to what they're saying, so I'm going to practice boundaries."

I blocked this person from my phone. I don't need this in my life. It isn't helpful. This is coming from a place of yuck. So, I practiced what I preached: I set a boundary.

When you get bullied like that, you feel beaten up, don't you? You feel like you have been broken and bruised, and you're damaged. You're thinking, "Why me? What did I do wrong? Am I really that bad? Are they right? Is this accurate? What did I do to deserve this? I thought I was a good person. I thought I was kind." And you go through every instance in your mind of the ways you've been kind, or you go through every instance where you've made a mistake. Then you have a choice:

You can choose to believe the cruelness and the lies about yourself, or you can choose to believe the real you.

I remember going to church after this happened, and I wasn't singing the worship songs along with the band. I remember closing my eyes and thinking, "What do You need to tell me? What do I need to hear right now?" And I felt Jesus cup my face in his hands and say, "I love you. I. love. you."

It was so overwhelming to me because it wasn't "I love you, but Michelle, you could have done better in this situation," or, "I love you, but you really need to work on this trait. I love you, but you're falling short in this area."

I felt this amazing confirmation that I am absolutely, unconditionally loved no matter what anybody in this world thinks of me. I have this unconditional love that I can tap into at any point in time.

It was so overwhelming and so pure that I realized giving anybody the weight and worth of my heart and my acceptance is giving away my power.

Whether it's to somebody who's being a bully, or whether it's to somebody who is giving me a compliment, it's all the same.

It's giving away your power to what other people think of you. And at the end of the day, even if you don't believe in Jesus (that's completely okay because we welcome anybody of any faith or no faith at all), it truly is: what do you feel about yourself?

We are sisters. I know that you are reading this today and going, "I need help. I'm alone. I feel broken, I feel hopeless, and I feel guilty, embarrassed, and ashamed." I am here to say to you: there is nothing that we need to be ashamed about.

You are lovely. You are beautiful. You're magnificent. You are caring. You are thoughtful. You're a good woman, and anybody that is healthy and not struggling with addiction is able to see that.

Addiction is a bully, and it has nothing to do with you.

It has to do with the ultimate goal of taking over the one you love. You are an obstacle that is in its way. Addiction is doing everything it can to get you to be quiet and leave it alone.

You do not want to retaliate. You do not want to get into the boxing ring with addiction. That's draining to you because you're stooping to their level. It's also ineffective. It doesn't work.

When have you ever gotten into a fight with somebody where they come out going, "You know what? You're perfectly right. I'm going to stop drinking and using drugs. I'm going to change my entire life around." And maybe they said that, but did it really happen? Did it result in long-term sobriety? No. You know it doesn't. So don't waste your breath, your time, or your energy.

I am working on recognizing that this person is no better or no worse than I am. I don't want this to sit with me. I don't want this person to have control over my mind in my quiet time. And that's what happens when you don't forgive. It just creeps into your pores: anger, resentment, and yuckiness.

So, I'm working on seeing this person for the goodness in them and reminding myself that we are all human, and we all make mistakes. I forgave my ex-husband a long time ago, and that was the best gift I've ever given myself. If I can forgive him, I can forgive anybody else.

That should be your goal, my sisters: forgiveness.

How do you do that? You give it space. You're compassionate with yourself. You don't reciprocate. Understand it's not personal, and look for the goodness in them. Remind yourself that they are not rotten through and through. Remember that you are not perfect. And forgive them for you.

It doesn't mean that you still allow abuse in your life. I'm not going to unblock this person from my phone, but I am going to work. Now that there's quiet, and now that I've set up that boundary, there is space, and I have the intention of forgiving them.

If you get nothing else from this, I hope you get that you're not alone, and I'm here with you.

I also want to mention that the tools you learn when loving somebody with addiction are tools you can use for the rest of your life. Addiction showed up in your life as a teacher. It's a terrible teacher nobody wishes to have, but it gives you an opportunity to grow.

It gets in your face and says, "You've got to deal with me. Are you going to choose to deal with me today?" You are going to choose to learn the tools that you need in order to develop into the very best version of yourself.

Once you learn these tools, and once you start practicing them, they are going to save you time and time again for the rest of your life, whether you decide to stay in this relationship or not.

I encourage you, if you have not already, join our community. Check us out at LoveOverAddiction.com. Discover one of the programs. We have an amazing movement taking place with over 20,000 women, and I love each and every one of you. We're in this together.

We offer a secret Facebook group for women who have joined one of our programs. It's filled with over 1,000 women from over 132 different countries around the world.

The Facebook group is a wonderful tool, and I love popping in there and seeing what you are all talking about and how you are all encouraging each other.

But there is something that is disturbing me. And I'm going to be real and honest with you today. I used to do this, too, so there's no judgment.

We are using the word "crazy" so much in the group.

And my beef with that is that you guys keep calling yourselves crazy. You keep saying, "I am going crazy. I am driving myself crazy. This is crazy."

Here's the deal:

Addiction tries to make us believe that we're crazy— that it's us. It's our fault. It tries to mess with our head.

But that is not true; you are not crazy. There's nothing about you that's crazy.

You're the least crazy person in this situation.

You're the rational one.

You are the convicted one.

You're the one in the relationship that actually has and knows what's healthy and what's not—what's acceptable and not.

You might feel like the situation is crazy when you love somebody struggling with addiction.

And the truth is: the situation is nuts. Let's be honest. It's not like loving somebody normal who doesn't suffer from this disease.

When somebody comes into a relationship that chooses drugs and alcohol, pornography, gambling, or sex over us all the time, that's crazy.

Please don't use that word to describe yourself, my friend. You are sane. You are loving. You're doing your best.

Today I was on a run. I'm thinking very seriously about signing up for a marathon.

The first 20 seconds of running, I feel like I can conquer the world.

I feel like I've got this. I put on my music, or I put on a podcast, like this one, and I'm rocking out for about 20 seconds.

Thirty to forty seconds into running, I think, "I don't remember being this tired last time."

And by second 55, I'm like, "I'm going to die. It's over for me. There's no point in continuing. I just need to turn this into a walk and surrender the dream."

But it's been on my dream board to run a marathon, so what I do now is say, "Okay, Michelle, just make it to that really tall tan apartment complex. Just make it there, and then you can stop. It's okay if you can't, but just try."

I get to the tan building, and I think, "This is good. You did it. You actually ran." I feel so proud of myself.

So then, I said to myself, "Okay, run to the next building. Don't stop now." All these 55 and 60-year-olds were jogging past me. I thought, "Just stick with it. You'll get there one day."

At first, I was judging myself, but I recognized it, and I said, "No, you ran to this tan building. Give yourself some credit. Now, walk the rest of the way home. That's good enough for today. Tomorrow is a new day, and maybe you pick a new building. Maybe you pick one farther."

I was reminded that I have to be kind to myself. I have to celebrate the small victories in my life.

I deserve to congratulate myself for being courageous enough to even try.

Then, I thought of you because I'm always thinking of you. I said to myself, "I wonder if the women in our community need to be lovingly reminded that they are making an effort."

You are running to that building by purchasing the program, logging on, and doing the work.

That is something to celebrate. That is something to give yourself credit for. You don't need to master everything that I'm teaching right away. You don't need to run your marathon immediately.

It's small, incremental steps and victories that we need to pause and go, "YES, this is one step closer to the goal."

So right now, you're reading this. Right now, you're trying. Can I tell you that is not normal? Most people like to remain stuck because it's comfortable being stuck.

It's easier to look at the people we love and go, "Well, it's really all about them. It's really all about their recovery, and I don't need to do anything about it. There's nothing I can do."

It's easier to be a victim and a martyr and to believe that everything that has to do with addiction has to do with the ones you love.

But you and I know that's not true. We know there's room for growth in our world and ourselves to become the women we were meant to be. That happens with small, little victories.

Do not get upset at yourself for not mastering these skills that I am teaching you. You are not allowed to beat yourself up if you backtrack. If you know better, and you still messed up— grace. Grace for you. Grace for me. Grace for all of us.

You're doing work; you're trying.

You are doing better than most. Forgive yourself immediately, and try again next time.

I believe in you, I believe in your recovery, I believe in your heart, and I believe that you are completely capable and possible of having the most wonderful future—a future where you are not bullied or held down in this disease. Where you are confident and beautiful, and you know it in your soul.

That is the ultimate goal of all of this. That is the end game. It is not to get them sober. It is to get YOU healthier and stronger. That is why we are doing all of this work. That is what all the programs are about.

Do you notice we don't talk about ways that they should be getting sober?

This is about you and me.

This is about us as women coming together, sharing our pain, and growing and becoming stronger and wiser and loving.

You are running your marathon right now. Get your gear on, listen to the Love Over Addiction podcast, join the programs, and share your truth.

Baby steps. One at a time.

I'm here for you. I am cheering you on. I am your greatest fan—your biggest believer.

If you need any encouragement, just email us at [email protected]. We are here for you.

If you love someone suffering from addiction, you might feel like you're on a roller coaster ride. One minute you feel angry, the next guilty, and then maybe you're worried.

It's a constant cycle that's never-ending. And all the chitter chatter in your head never shuts up.

Even when you're standing at the stove stirring the pasta you're making for dinner, in the back of your mind you're really twirling about how to save the one you love.

Being present in the moment feels close to impossible because of the trauma to your soul. How can you shut off the painful idea that the one you love is being taken down by this disease?

I often felt like I was on a boat that was sailing in the middle of the biggest storm of my life.

How do you find joy in a moment when your family's boat has sailed through so many storms that it's battered and broken?

And it's slowly sinking.

I felt like I was the only one who was endlessly bailing out water so our family wouldn't sink. It was exhausting work. And every time I thought our boat was fixed and we were in safe waters, an addiction storm would approach.

Pretty soon, I just learned never to put down the bucket. I was always so worried about the next storm that I was always on guard.

Never relaxing.

Never trusting the moments of calm seas.

My normal became a feeling of constant anxiety.

And I wasn't a saint either. While I was busy trying to bail us out from sinking, gripping the bucket and throwing the water overboard to save us, I was screaming or crying or swearing.

There came a time when I knew I could no longer save our family. So I put life jackets on my kids, one for myself, grabbed their little hands, and jumped off the boat into the shockingly cold, rough water.

I made this decision because I knew I was being called to leave the boat and head toward calmer waters. I was no longer under the illusion I could control it. And I wanted a better life for my children.

For me, jumping off the boat was the best thing I could have done for myself and my kids. But it's not for everyone.

If you're concerned that things will never get better, the Love Over Addiction program has a special section called "Should I Leave or Should I Stay?" Listen to it and see how you feel. You'll know if it's time to get off the boat or hang tight and ride out the storms.

Our community in the Secret Facebook Group are some of the most loving and thoughtful women I know. Every time I read their posts I am blown away by their wisdom.

Every now and then I like to share a question one of the women asked the group because I think a lot of us can relate.

If you would like to become a member of our private and confidential community, it comes free when you join one of our programs. You can check the programs out here.

Today, we're going to be discussing pornography addiction. And before I get to the question, I want to make it clear that this is an embarrassing topic to discuss, but I can't tell you how common pornography is in the world of addiction. It's a multi-billion dollar industry that is quietly taking over the lives of millions of people.

If the one you love is watching pornography on a regular basis, you're not alone. Many of us can relate.

Pornography is never okay when two people are in a committed relationship and addiction is involved. I teach healthy boundaries around pornography in the Love Over Boundaries program.

Now, let's get to our question from our brave sister in the Secret Facebook Group:

(Privacy is our biggest priority. We will never share names in our group.)

"I just found out my husband is a porn addict. He attends church and says he's a Christian. He's apologized to me, but I feel so weak and angry. I just want to hide."

Can you relate to some of this?

First, I think it's important to note that we have many women of all different faiths (or no faith at all) in our community. We love and accept everyone and we don't judge.

But if we are going to talk about people in the church who drink, use drugs, gamble, or watch porn, I think it's important to note a few things:

1. Everyone is welcome to church. Especially the broken. Jesus loves sinners. He even selected some of them to be his best friends. Matthew was a thief, Paul was a murderer, and Judas was ultimately responsible for his crucifixion. Christians can be some of the most messed up people (I consider myself one of them), but I don't think that makes us hypocrites. Christianity isn't about perfection. It was created for the broken.
2. What makes you a hypocrite when you attend church is when you lie about your struggles and pretend that everything's okay. And can't we all relate to that? I pretended my marriage was perfect for 10 years - meanwhile, it was hanging on by a thread. And that brings me to my next point.
3. We must stop being afraid to talk about addiction. It's up to us to speak out against the stigma of this disease. We need to give it a voice. To raise our hands and say, "Me, too. This is going on in my house and I need some support." It's up to us, my sisters, to say it loud and clear and demand that people listen. We have nothing to be ashamed of. This disease happens to good marriages and good people. You did nothing to deserve the treatment you're getting.

We must stop feeling ashamed of our loved one's struggles and we must stop thinking that we had something to do with their issues. They could be with you or not and they would still be battling this disease.

We are a community, a sisterhood, and we are in this together. Each of us can make a huge difference in this dark world of addiction. One of the ways you can help is to mentor other women who are struggling with loving someone who is addicted.

If you're interested in becoming a Certified Love Over Addiction Mentor, we would love for you to apply. Click here for more information.

The moment I knew I needed to leave.

I had been waiting for this moment for years and years.

Even through all the verbal abuse, the name calling, the shaming, the lying and the manipulation, I still clung to hope. I still loved him and I loved the idea of our family staying together.

But somewhere deep in the back of my mind, I knew there might come a day when I needed to leave. But my heart wasn't ready. My mind still had not arrived at the decision that I felt my spirit pushing me towards.

I knew raising my kids in this dysfunction wasn't ok on any level.

I knew he wasn't going to get better.

And I knew the harder I was trying to help him the worse it was getting. I could see this wonderful man disappear literally day by day.

Every month his addiction was worse than the month before. It was a downward spiral.

But I hadn't yet arrived at the point where leaving was the only option. My back was not up against the wall. I still wanted to wait and exercise all my choices.

And then the moment came. And it was crystal clear. What I wanted to do and what I needed to do finally lined up perfectly. And l had no other choice but to leave. It was my only option.

Not one of my friends or family knew how bad it really was. I did a wonderful job hiding the truth because I wanted to protect him. I didn't want anyone judging the man I loved and I knew if they got a peek into my life they would tell me to take the kids and leave.

I was a young mom with three kids and no college degree. Our bank account balance was hundreds not thousands of dollars. Most of his paycheck went towards his bad habits.

The odds were against me. On paper, it looked like I was stuck.

But a woman's courage can be mighty. And there was a part of me that awakened in that moment. I was refusing to listen to the lies of addiction. I would save my children and save myself. I would fight every moment of everyday to protect their childhood.

I realized I could do something. Addiction was lying to me the entire time trying to make me feel like I was powerless. But I was a powerful woman. And I refused to accept that this disease was going to take all of us down.

I was prepared to stay in a shelter if I needed to. I was willing to leave the place my children called home. I would make the sacrifices to start again. It wasn't too late. I could get a redo. I could find love again. Love for myself and love for others. I could make a warm, safe home—even if it wasn't my dream home.

I was willing to do whatever it took to save my life.

And as soon as I started planning and fighting for my future, everything I needed showed up. I would not quit and I would not back down from this disease. It would no longer get away with bullying me.

And after some time, addiction learned I was no longer falling for its tricks. I was a new woman. Rebirthed and shining brightly. I was armored and so were my children.

So it moved on trying to find a new victim. And left us in peace.

And today, over 10 years later that's what my children and I have. Peace. Honesty. Love and Safety.

I don't regret loving someone suffering from addiction but I also have never regretted leaving—and neither have my children.

I used to paint for fun. I used to be silly and laugh a lot. I was confident in a room full of other people and I was adventurous and had a great group of friends.

That's who I was before I fell in love with a wonderful man suffering from addiction.

And slowly, over time, the confident, joyful woman he was attracted to became insecure. I lost my friends because going out meant that I couldn't monitor his drinking or drug use. The laughter was still there, but it was less frequent and layered under sadness.

I became a shell of the woman I was before I met him.

But… it didn't stay that way forever.

I decided that I was worth fighting for. That addiction might be taking down the one I loved, but I wasn't going to let it take me down, too.

How do we get back in touch with the woman we once were?

How do we rekindle the spark within ourselves that makes us feel like we're a light to our friends and family?

How do we get back to a place of fun and joy?

Here's the good news: it's not difficult or complicated. It's actually very simple. But we need to stay committed to making choices that foster our best selves.

We need to give ourselves permission to make it about us, not them.

Today we are not going to talk about their addiction (oh my goodness, don't we talk about that enough, already?).

Instead I am going to be asking you some questions (because you know how much I love questions).

And I want you to make me a promise.

Please, please don't move to the next question without answering the one I just asked you.

Seriously. Because if you just go from one question to the next without answering and taking self-inventory, then this just becomes something you've passively learned instead of done.

And in this community of 20,000 strong women we are all about the work. The commitment and rededicating our lives to ourselves.

Are you ready for your questions? Did you make the promise? It won't take long, I swear - there are only seven, and I guarantee if you think about this hard enough you'll learn something helpful within yourself.

1. Who are you?

Think about the woman you were before this disease came into your life (or if you had parents who suffered from addiction - who you were before you realized they had this disease). And think about the woman you want to become. When you think of a perfect you, using all your best skills and traits - who are you in 3 years from now?

1. What do you want?

I did a whole episode on this very subject, and you can find it here. It's one of my best podcasts if I do say so myself.

1. What do you like?

Do you like comedy movies? Do you like cooking? Do you like to ski or a good game of chess? Your identity is not wrapped up in the ones you love.

1. Have you gotten comfortable with pain?

Are you in a place in your life when you are complacent with very little? Are you settling for crumbs instead of the whole delicious pie? A simple yes or no will do.

1. Are your expectations too high?

Let me cheat a little and break this down into two questions:

1. Are your self expectations too high?
2. Are you expecting too much from your kids, partner, parents or co-workers? You can be honest. There's no judgment here. If I were in the room with you, I would raise my hand or possibly both hands.
3. Are you an expert on your own thoughts, feelings and wants?

Or are you wishy-washy? Do you listen to the advice of 2 dozen people and change your mind constantly? Or do you know what you want, how you feel and what you think, and own it without apologies?

1. Are you comfortable with your own weaknesses?

I know most of you know this by now, but I am dyslexic. I can't spell worth a darn (as some of you have lovingly pointed out). But I write for a living! I love writing more than I love talking. And my love affair with books is borderline obsessive. I am proud of my "weakness" of dyslexia. It helps me think outside of the box, and thank you Jesus, there is autocorrect and Grammarly.com.

What are your weaknesses, and do you fully accept them?

I hope you found these 7 questions a helpful way to make sure we're not placing all the attention on the ones we love but rather on getting to know ourselves.

He had to work late and wouldn't be home for dinner. So, my three children and I sat around the table and ate lasagna and salad without him. When my blonde haired, blue eyed six year old son asked where daddy was, I told him that he was still working.

The words coming out of my mouth sounded truthful, but my gut knew they were lies.

I had been lied to so many times by the man I was madly in love with that I almost came to expect it.

The truth was I didn't know where my loved one was while we sat waiting for him at home. And if I was being honest with myself - I didn't really want to know.

The truth hurt too much. So I settled for the lie and we both pretended he was "working."

When trust is broken between two people, we begin to feel insecure about their love for us. We start questioning their commitment to the relationship. We worry about how many other times they have lied in the past, and figuring out when to trust and when to protect ourselves becomes a full-time job.

Some of us can take on the full-time job of Detective. Analyzing all the data and following the scent of deceit. We can even become obsessed with finding the truth, breaking our own personal boundaries, and resorting to all sorts of crazy in order to discover what really happened.

Being lied to is an awful feeling.

And unfortunately, for most people suffering from addiction, it's a habit of survival. They HAVE to lie to get away with their addiction. If they told the truth they would have to face the consequences and that's one word that addiction doesn't believe in.

So.. where does that leave us? The ones being lied to? Can we ever trust again? How do we protect ourselves and stop living in a state of anger or anxiety?

First, it's important to set realistic expectations.

If your loved one is actively drinking, using drugs, gambling, watching pornography, or whatever their addiction might be - if they don't have a handle on it - expect lies.

Now, there are some exceptions, but for the most part most people with addiction tendencies will fall under the category of liar.

As I explained before, this disease has taught them to lie. It's a survival tactic, part of their toolbox and comes with the addiction package.

So, expect lies if you decide to stay with them. Drop the expectation they will always tell you the truth 100% of the time.

Secondly, trust your gut. I can't stress the importance of this enough. If you think they are lying because you suddenly feel that alarm bell going off inside your stomach, your throat, your heart - wherever - trust it.

Just like lying has become part of the addict's toolbox - lie detection has become one of your tools. You know the truth, and you don't need them to validate your hunch.

Stop trying to beat the truth out of them. It makes no difference - they know they are lying. They know you know they are lying. No more needs to be said or done about it.

If you feel the need to say anything, just let them know in one sentence or less, I'm onto you and you're not fooling me. Then move on. Quickly.

Lastly, let's be super clear - trust is one of the necessary ingredients in any healthy relationship. If it's compromised, your relationship begins to feel like it's on shaky ground.

If you have been lied to by the one you love who struggles with addiction, it's natural to armor up.

Lies create an unsafe relationship, so no need to feel guilty for doubting or questioning. Ever.

Don't apologize for not trusting. People earn your trust over time and with their actions. And someone can't expect you to trust them when they have been dishonest.

We need consistency. What they say needs to line up with what they do. And until that happens, you need to set realistic expectations, trust your gut, and forgive yourself for being untrusting.

I understand exactly how you feel. I've been there and it's not fun. But loving someone suffering from this disease doesn't mean you need to wait for them to get sober to start feeling better.

There is so much debate these days about leaving or staying with someone who's addicted. Everybody has an opinion. Your mom, your therapist, the guy who wrote that book, your pastor.

But do you know who I think has the most judgmental opinion about the choice to leave or stay with the one you love who is struggling with addiction? You.

You shame yourself for wanting to leave.

How could you break up the family?

How could you even dream of wanting something different?

You said forever and you tell yourself that breaking your promise would make you a quitter.

You may doubt that anyone else would ever love you.

The idea of ever being with another partner makes you sick.

Or finding love again with someone else makes you excited and then you really feel ashamed.

You don't know how much longer you can take this.

What if they never get better?

Or what if things get worse?

You see all your friends and family and you think how nice it would be to be loved by a stable and thoughtful person.

I remember looking out my window and seeing my neighbors' husbands coming home from work and thinking how nice it must be for those wives to always know their husbands are coming home when they say they will.

My truth was that most nights I was left waiting and waiting to hear my front door open.

I craved from the deepest part of my soul to stop feeling so lonely and start feeling good enough to be loved.

My other truth was that somewhere buried in my heart, I knew that one day I would need to leave.

And that's ok.

But you may not be like me. You may be the kind of woman who wants to stay. Who is deeply devoted to her partner and the idea of leaving feels wrong.

You're searching for a way to stay committed to your relationship and feel happy and confident whether they get sober or not.

You have your friends and your home and you don't want things to change. You are prepared to do your work and see this thing through.

And that's ok, too.

The debate of leaving vs. staying is constant when you love someone as unpredictable and unreliable as one who suffers from addiction.

The truth is we must not beat ourselves up for wanting to stay or needing to leave.

We must stop judging ourselves and each other for the decisions we make about our relationships.

Instead, we should embrace our right to choose and our right to change our mind.

Are you with them today? If so, forgive yourself for staying and remember you reserve the right to change your mind tomorrow.

Have you left or are you planning on leaving? Dream big and keep moving forward. One step at a time, my sister.

And let's be super clear: addiction will try to blame you for whatever choice you make. But you are a smart woman and you will not fall for the lies of this disease. You will remind yourself how courageous you are. That you are worthy of love and care. And that if they can't give it to you - you will discover it for yourself.

You are following God's path for your life and everyone has a different road to travel. Don't let another person's opinion or "rules" keep you in a state of shame. Own your choice and get on with it with the grace that you absolutely can change your mind at any time.

You, my sister, are amazingly strong and are under tremendous stress. Be kind to that loving heart of yours. You're doing the best you can and that's good enough.

I love you with all my heart. And if you're not a part of our community yet - what are you waiting for? We give you free weekly tips and inspiration for the relationship breakthrough you're looking for.

Also, if you are considering leaving vs. staying we have an entire module devoted to the topic in the Love Over Addiction Program so make sure you check it out - it comes with a beautiful workbook and a free bonus - the Love Over Boundaries program (and what woman doesn't need to master Boundaries?)

So you love someone who is suffering from addiction? Welcome to our club. We are a group of strong and tenderhearted women from all over the world who are united by our love for someone who keeps hurting us.

We are in just as much pain as the one who stays up late to look at porn, or snorts the line, who drinks too much, swallows the pills or gambles our money away.

We love good people who make bad choices.

It's as simple and complex as that.

And we find strength and comfort when one sister shares that she is struggling with something so "embarrassing" not even her friends know - we raise our hands and say, me too! I feel your pain because that just happened at my house last week. And it sucks and it's hard and we will get through this together.

You'll find all that goodness and grace inside our programs where you will meet with thousands of women just like you. You'll get all the strength and love you need to finally stop acting like you have it all together, but then fall apart. You will also be able to leave your depression behind and walk into a new state of hopefulness and belonging.

That's what this community can do for you. It's a confidential and safe place where you can begin your healing so that your life can finally feel like you've always wanted.

And the best news is that you can get to this place of self-love and forgiveness if the one you love gets better or not.

This feeling of love that you're looking for is not reliant on their sobriety.

I used to think if my husband just got sober - everything would be better.

And you want to know the truth? He never did get sober and I got waaaay better.

I got the life I was dreaming about.

But I believe in always being honest with you - even when it's something you might not want to hear. Are you ready?

You have to do the work. You can't wait for them to start recovery. Otherwise, you might be waiting forever to start to feel better.

Today, you can make a choice to start your own healing. Your happiness is entirely in your control. You just need to take the leap of faith and remind yourself that you're worth it.

So… all of this is to say, join us. Become a part of our community and let us cheer you on. Let us become your safe spot, your encouragers, your truth tellers.

If you're in love with someone suffering from addiction, start with the Love Over Addiction Program. It comes with a beautiful workbook and the free bonus (Love Over Boundaries).

If you're the mother of someone suffering from addiction, I would recommend the Love Over Mistakes Program. Share it with your entire family.

Make your healing a priority. It could be the relationship breakthrough you've been looking for.

If you have any questions, email us. We are always here for you. There's an amazing team of women working behind the scenes to help and support you. You're not alone.

Let's be real with each other. It's hard to keep up with all the different ways your loved one treats you, isn't it?

You might have a tender moment in the car and reach for their hand and you're reminded of why you feel in love with them in the first place.

They might be funny and cracking you up when you both are standing at the kitchen counter talking about your day.

Or you might share a thoughtful and romantic moment that gives you the deep sense of connection that has been missing for awhile.

These are the moments of light in times of darkness. These are the glimmers of hope when we feel defeated.

Moments like the examples above are when their behavior comes from a place of truth. This is who God made them - a good loving person - and this is how your relationship was intended to feel like.

But then, as we are holding our heads up to the light and beginning to trust again… that hope fades and we are left in darkness.

Our broken hearts have to learn one more time how to handle heartbreak. Because the one we love is replaced with darkness. They have faded into the background and we are left loving an unwelcomed version of them.

The addiction masks them like a cloak and our happy, productive, romantic partner is replaced with a hurtful, distant, insulting, worst version of themselves.

Let's just state the obvious: it's not fair. But addiction never promised to be fair, did it?

Addiction doesn't know about respect or compromising. Addiction doesn't listen - it takes. It's selfish.

If you can untangle the person you love into two separate beings, lots of good things can happen.

You will find your power and control. Because the next time they become distant or rude, you can say to yourself, "That's the addiction. It's not personal. It's a disease. I did nothing to justify this behavior."

And when you see a true glimpse of the one you love who is kind and responsible, you can enjoy and savor them with the realistic expectation that they will not stay like this forever (unless, of course, they are sober and getting weekly help).

If you choose to stay or leave them, making peace that the one you love is struggling with two versions of themselves will help you turn anger into compassion.

You will be able to reach a point of empathy because when they lash out or reject you, you're not taking it personally.

You can say to yourself (or out loud),

"I am an intelligent, sober woman and this is just the addiction talking. I don't listen or believe anything that comes from addiction because I know it's a selfish liar who is out to deceive me. I am too smart and strong to fall for it."

This is how you handle someone who is struggling with staying consistently loving and thoughtful because they are addicted to drug, alcohol, pornography, or sex.

You are a strong woman and you have found a sisterhood that believes in you. Together, we are here for one another, sharing the issues that no one talks about. We will not be ashamed and we refuse to just sit and accept that we won't feel happiness and joy until they choose to get sober.

We are not powerless over this disease. And if you want to see real change in your life - now's the time to join our programs. We will welcome you with open arms. Privacy is our biggest priority and no childcare is necessary. Do them online, at your own pace, and have lifetime access. We hope to meet you inside the program.