Love Over Addiction

There is a very common issue in the world of addiction called dry drunk. It's when someone is actively refraining from drinking, but still displaying signs of selfishness, stubbornness, lack of accountability, and blame.

And it's shocking because for so long you've thought if they just got sober everything would be better.

If they just got sober, they would turn into the loving, kind person they used to be and your relationship would be everything you wanted and more.

But when they stop drinking they get cranky. And mean. You end up walking on eggshells even more because you never know what kind of mood they will be in.

And the selfish, narcissistic behavior actually gets worse. How could that be? Alcohol and/or drugs were the root of our problems, so why isn't it better?

If the one you love is resentful, angry, depressed, anxious, jealous, speaking fondly of his or her drinking days, self-obsessed, or now addicted to something else that's unhealthy (like sex, video games, or food) they are probably considered a dry drunk.

So what do you do about it?

First, let's start with the fact that this is normal behavior for some. Drinking or drug use was their way of coping. Now that that has been taken away, they are left with all these feelings and don't know how to handle them like a mature, loving adult.

And unless they are willing to get outside help like counseling, AA support groups, a sober-living house, yoga, small groups, etc., this behavior will most likely continue.

The other sad news is that dry drunk behavior often leads to relapse. I'm not sharing this with you to make you scared, but I believe knowledge is power and removing the scales from your eyes is the BEST way to start your recovery and deal with this disease.

Most importantly, I need to you hear this, so lean in closely:

Their awful behavior is NOT your fault.

Don't let this disease try to blame you. You're a loving and wonderful partner. You've done the best you can to deal with this relationship.

If they get cranky, try not to be around them. You can sleep in another room, schedule things without them on the weekends, eat dinner when you feel like it, and don't need to wait for them to show up.

Get busy getting busy. Create your own space until they get the help they need. Create and enforce your boundaries. And most importantly get the help you need.

If you haven't joined us already, this is the time. There are three programs for every stage of your recovery (including mothers). Check them out by clicking here. It's time to commit.

Rehab can be the best thing that has ever happened to someone trying to get sober. And for many brave men and women, it is the starting point for their sobriety.

Others come home and are back to their old ways within days. But there seems to be a growing trend happening that I want to talk about.

Many women in the Love Over Addiction program are telling me that the ones they love are coming home and choosing to get drunk the very day they come home from rehab. Sometimes, they even stop at the airport bar after the flight they took when they checked out of rehab.

I know this might be discouraging to read. I work really hard at trying to keep this from being one more place on the internet for venting, complaining, and defeat. Instead, I intend to create a safe and loving community full of women who can celebrate their victories and who are open to learning how to take back their control over this disease.

We are not victims. We are smart, loving women who are good wives and mothers. We have many gifts to offer this world, and the purpose of our lives is not to make the ones we love sober.

So when your partner comes back from rehab, I want you to check your expectations. Sure, they've done a wonderful job in a controlled environment where every day they are surrounded by other people whose intention is not to get drunk, use drugs, or look at pornography. They also have the assistance of some amazing counselors who have most likely found their own long-term sobriety.

The reality is that it's scary for alcoholics and addicts to go back into the real world.

There are triggers all around them. They may not trust themselves. They may find temptations all around them.

Our world advertises social drinking everywhere. Unless you want nothing more in the world than to get sober, you won't. And no rehab - no matter how good - can make you have that desire.

That's the truth. And you know it because you're a smart woman.

The very best thing you can do when they get home from rehab is to make sure you've done your own program. While they're working hard at trying to figure out their issues, you need to get started on your own.

The last thing they need (or deserve) when they get home is for you to nag, yell, worry, or police him. I know that's hard. Trust me - I don't say this with judgment. I did every one of those things I just mentioned.

I understand that it's difficult to trust them. And that will take lots and lots of time. It could even take years (and I'll write about that more in a few weeks).

But for now, your only job is to get busy working on yourself by starting one of our programs.

You have been through just as much (if not more) as they have. You have bags to unpack and feelings to work through. You have tools you need to learn and confidence you need to gain. You need boundaries and self-care. You need a program.

If you're already a member of Love Over Addiction, Love Over Mistakes, and Love Over Boundaries, that's wonderful. Listen to them again and again. This is your new part-time job.

If you haven't joined us yet, now's the time. It's not just about making your healing a priority. It's about giving your future the best chance of real change. Finding your happiness again. Discover the real you and how wonderfully made you are.

I was talking to a wonderful and wise woman who has joined the Love Over Addiction program, and she was telling me a story about her husband who lied to her about his drinking.

She walked in on him sitting in his office and sensed that he had been drinking again. She confronted him and he denied it. So she picked up the glass and said, "What is this?" He told her it was Coke and swore there wasn't any alcohol in it.

She took a sip and said it tasted funny. But he kept saying it was just soda.

This loving and smart woman felt like she was going crazy because it didn't taste like it was just soda. It didn't look like just Coke. But he was looking her right in the eye swearing it was just soda.

So she took the drink and walked it over to her neighbor's house and made him try it. He said, "Whatever that is, it's not just soda."

It's ridiculous how this disease can make us feel like we're going crazy when we try to call our partner out on a lie and they deny, deny, deny.

So what do you do the next time you're convinced they're lying that won't make you feel like you're going crazy?

It's very simple and it's something you can start to do immediately.

The next time you're convinced the one you love is lying to you about anything (because addiction loves to try and get away with a LOT), you let them know this: you know the truth.

BUT, here's the deal: you need to tell them this very calmly and in one or two sentences, and then you hang up, walk out of the room, disengage.

So in my friend's situation, this is what she would do:

1. She suspects that he's drinking.
2. She picks up the drink and tastes it.
3. Alarm bells go off.
4. She trusts her gut. She tells herself, "I'm a smart and intelligent woman and this disease is trying to trick me. But I will no longer be fooled. The scales have been removed from my eyes. My blinders are off. I am trusting myself again."
5. She will put the drink down and calmly say, "I know there is alcohol in this drink. You are not fooling me."
6. And then she will walk away. Don't engage in an argument. Don't wait for him to deny. He won't tell you the truth. Stop the battle before it starts.

He is NOT going to say, "You're right honey. That's a drink and I was trying to trick you. I love you so much. Please forgive me and wait right here while I throw it out."

We both know that won't happen so don't expect it.

You know it's a drink. I know it's a drink. Your partner knows it's a drink. Accept that you are with someone who drinks or uses drugs. For today, you're choosing to stay with him or her. Tomorrow might be different, though, and you reserve the right to change your mind.

When you try to prove they are drinking or using, you're attempting to control or admit they have a problem. Stop. Take a deep breath and remember you ARE in control - over yourself and your reaction. And you can go about your day with or without him or her now that you know the truth.

If you haven't joined us in one of our programs and you want to find answers, hope, and happiness, what are you waiting for? Click here to check out the details. Our programs are offered for just $25 a month. If your partner is spending money on their bad habits, making an investment in your family's future is a more valuable choice, don't you think?

Last week I was speaking with a woman who booked a personal coaching call with me. She was feeling stuck, and she wanted to leave but couldn't bring herself to imagine ACTUALLY leaving. She was looking for a breakthrough that would convince her that leaving or staying was the "right thing to do."

I told her, don't worry about getting to the finish line today. Just figure out the next 3 steps.

For her, that meant:

1. identifying 3 lawyers she may want to use
2. spending some time driving around neighborhoods to see where she would like to live
3. making a list of things in her home she would like to take when she moves.

Breaking down your big goals into smaller steps is the best way to avoid getting overwhelmed. Plus you get a quick sense of accomplishment.

Remember: we don't do judgment in this community. We will never tell you to stay or leave. You reserve the right to stay today and change your mind tomorrow.

What are the next 3 steps in your recovery?

It could be to focus on your physical recovery - and so you need to find a gym near you. Make an appointment to take a tour and get the class schedule.

It could be your mental recovery, and you need to join one of our programs (read the details by clicking here and decide what program looks perfect for you).

It could be your spiritual recovery, and you need to head to your local bookstore and read up on all the different types of authors and teachers, select a few books to take home with you and put them on your bedside table for evening reading.

Whatever your goals are, and whatever phase of recovery you're in, take a moment right now to write down the next 3 steps you're committed to taking.

You can do this. I am right behind you cheering you on.

If you've been feeling stuck, I also recommend going through my program, Love Over Addiction. This program sets the foundation for your personal transformation from being lonely and scared to feeling a deep sense of peace and hopefulness about your future. I hope you join us.

P.S. We are starting a new podcast called Love Over Addiction. You'll hear real-life stories of the brave women in our community who have overcome, found happiness and are deeply committed to healing. I know you're going listen and nod your head a lot, maybe laugh and cry and be left with hope. Just subscribe to the emails and we'll let you know when new episodes come out.

Let's be real, loving someone who drinks too much or suffers from substance abuse can feel like the opposite of a blessing.

But one of the things that make our community different is that we refuse to just talk about the dark sides of this disease. Many, many blessings come out of a complicated relationship. And today, I want to talk about one of them.

I am divorced. And I was the one who chose to leave my husband after ten years of trying to "help" him get sober. We have three children together. And one of the greatest fears that kept me suffering in my marriage was the idea that leaving would break our family apart. I was so afraid that I would do serious damage to my children.

A few years ago I was a Keynote Speaker for a Celebrate Recovery conference. I brought my oldest son, Lance who was 12 at the time to hear me speak. His response to my talk about his father made me weep.

Below is an excerpt from an email to all attendees and the entire church written by the man who ran the conference. He refers to Dr. Jerry Cade who is a wonderful guy that heads up the National Christian Counseling Association (I ended up being a Keynote from them after this talk).

I hope you find hope and see this disease really does bring blessings. Not just for you, but for your children as well. It's not all dark, and there is so much light just waiting for you. Have faith that blessings are just around the corner. ____________________________________

Michelle Anderson's wonderfully titled program, Love Over Addiction, is giving wisdom to women about loving a man who suffers from substance abuse. Michelle's young son, Lance, joined her for the entire day. She mentioned Lance in her address and the fact that this was his first time ever to hear his mom speak in such a formal presentation. Dr. Cade wrote, "I happened to sit by him (Lance). Maybe it was just me, but I think that at the end of Michelle's talk, he jumped to his feet and began to applaud and led all the rest of us to a standing ovation. Love over addiction, indeed!"

No, Jerry, it wasn't just you --- I saw it, too --- a boy who, without thought of embarrassment, jumped from the pew applauding; but, it was his face I will remember - a young boy's face lit up with a righteous pride that shouted from the rooftop, "That is MY mom!!! I am HER son!!" If nothing else had happened in the entire conference but that one moment in time for that one boy, then Re-Creation lived up to its name!"

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I adore you my reader and you're an amazing mother. I promise you that this disease will not ruin them if you communicate with your kids about what's going on.

Not sure what to tell them? The Love Over Mistakes program discusses exactly what to say (and what NOT to say) to your children. Join us by clicking here and find the answers you've been looking for.

Do you feel exhausted from loving someone suffering from addiction? Are you worried about the one you love so much your heart hurts? Are you wondering how to help them get them sober or convince them they have a problem and need help? Do you wonder if they will ever change?

When you love someone suffering from addiction, the list of worries goes on and on.

All that worrying can take a toll on our bodies.

Here's what's important to remember - allow yourself to crash. Give yourself the necessary space to take a deep breath and go back to bed if you need to. Sit on the couch and watch your favorite show. Sleep in. Take a vacation if you can.

If you're tired and you're at the gym, walk instead of run. Read a good book in a cozy chair and skip the grocery store. Order in and don't make dinner. Vacuuming can wait until another day. Be kind and gentle with yourself.

Put down the phone and don't worry about being available to everyone all the time. Call in from work and take the day off. Take a mental health day.

We are known to work too hard. We have been responsible our entire lives. It's okay to permit ourselves to take a break. Sit on the porch and watch your neighbors pass by.

Go to an easy flow yoga class. Download the free Calm app that will teach you how to breathe. For the next few days, just be kind to yourself. Take it easy. Take a break from the role of fixer, pleaser, and caregiver.

Do the minimum needed to make sure things are taken care of. Stay in your favorite pajamas. Cancel your plans.

Resting and being still is healing. Busyness can prevent us from feeling. You need to take a break from the chaos that surrounds you in order to find peace through the stillness.

Creating distance between you and the dysfunction allows you to take inventory and ask yourself some fundamental questions:

What do I want? What do I love to do that brings me joy? Am I doing what I love? If I could fill my time with anything, what would it be? Where do I want to live? What's my dream job? What is my five-year plan?

Just take a day to imagine and get back in touch with YOUR desires. Ask yourself: WHAT DO YOU WANT? This should feel fun and indulgent. So much of your energy has been about their sobriety - it's your turn now.

If you haven't joined us in one of our programs and you want to find answers, hope, and happiness, what are you waiting for? Click here to check out the details. Our programs are offered for just $25.00 a month. If they are spending money on their bad habits, making an investment in your family's future is a better choice, don't you think?

The other day, my husband and I were celebrating a special event. We came home, got our pajamas on, tucked the kids into bed, and prepared for a cozy evening in.

I was standing in our bathroom washing my face and he walked in with a drink. And all of a sudden I felt a feeling I hadn't experienced in years. My stomach got tight and I felt a little lump in my throat.

As I mentioned, we had been out and had our limit of two drinks. I don't have a drinking problem and neither does he, so we don't intentionally choose that amount. We just know from experience that three drinks are one too many for us.

So when he walked into the bathroom with drink number three, it took me off guard. I was unprepared. After a few moments, I realized - these were old feelings surfacing from my first husband who has a drinking and drug problem.

My quick, subconscious reaction to his third drink was a trigger caused by the pain from my past.

As I was staring at myself in the mirror blotting my face with a washcloth, I debated if I should say anything. He's not my ex. He's a sober, responsible man. Shouldn't I be fine?

But then I thought if I did something that was causing him to have his old buttons pushed I would want to know.

So I kindly said, "I love you, honey, and I just need you to know that I'm feeling uncomfortable that you're having another drink. I'm not asking you to pour it out - it's just bringing up a lot of old feelings for me."

And you know what he did?

Before I could even get the last few words out of my mouth, he was pouring it down the bathroom sink. He wasn't angry or resentful. It was a natural choice for him that didn't even require any more conversation.

I gave him a huge hug and thanked him over and over.

And that's when I realized - when you love someone who isn't struggling with this disease - they will gladly get rid of the alcohol if they know you're even mildly upset. It's not a big deal to them.

If you're wondering if your partner loves alcohol more than he or she loves you, ask them to throw out the next bottle or cup and see how he reacts.

I know in my first marriage I begged, pleaded, threatened, and manipulated to try and get him to do the very thing Brian did in our bathroom. And it never worked.

Now and then I get transported back into my past and I can compare the life I had then to the life I have now. This is what I know for sure… I'm so glad I stopped focusing on his issues and started to focus on mine. If I didn't commit to my recovery, I never would have had that moment in the bathroom.

If you're ready to commit to your healing – join one of our programs and let's get started. They are full of REAL tips (and not a lot of fluff) that you can start using immediately.

A woman in our community told me she's heard some mothers say it's easier for wives who love someone suffering from addiction or alcoholism because they can leave their husbands, but a mother's role never ends.

And I lovingly disagree.

True, a married couple with no children can divorce and never speak again. So can a married couple who had a child together. And so can a mother who needs to step away from her addicted son.

Everyone, no matter what the relation to the one suffering from this disease, chooses how to react.

Nobody is helpless. No one gets to throw their hands in the air and just be a victim. There are real tools and practical actions we can take every day that will bring back control and order to our lives and help the ones we love.

We are not powerless over this disease.

You have been doing the best that you could do.

You didn't cause your child or loved one to drink or use drugs, and you are not responsible for their destiny. However, you can find success by helping yourself.

Your job is to become educated by learning the practical tools that will replace your old, enabling behavior and help you find relief and freedom, whether they get sober or not.

I know you feel overwhelmed with all the dysfunction going on in your family. Your greatest fear is that they will run off and get hurt or killed. You might be taking on some unnecessary guilt and your anxiety might be keeping you stuck and feeling helpless. You don't want to break up your family, but you can't imagine living like this forever.

I get it. In this special and non-judgemental community filled with amazing women, we all understand how you feel.

And here's the loving truth: you don't need to put up with abusive behavior.

You can say "no" and risk them being mad at you. You do have the strength to overcome your greatest fears.

The tools in the Love Over Mistakes program (for wives and mothers) might make you feel uncomfortable at first. But you and I both know you've needed to make changes for a while. What you've been doing isn't helping.

The Love Over Mistakes program will help break the cycle of enabling and give you success. You will no longer feel guilty. Instead, you'll have a clear roadmap of what you can do and what you should stop doing to help the one you love and help yourself.

I hope you decide to join us. You are not helpless. There is hope.

If you're married to someone who leaves the house to hang out with his or her friends or who stops at the bar on the way home and you're wondering why they don't want to spend time with you (and the kids, if you have any) I want to ask you a question about a bad habit you may have picked up.

And before I ask you, it's important to know that the reason I ask is because I used to have this very bad habit. So there's no judgment - ever. Just promise me that you'll be honest because we can't heal if we're not honest with ourselves and each other.

We are a sisterhood. We get one another. We're in a safe place and we are all connected.

Here's my question to you: are you nagging your partner when he or she drinks or uses drugs?

If you're nagging, you're enabling. Your partner knows their choices are bad and they don't want to be called on it. My ex-husband used to leave for days at a time because I would not put up with his drinking around our three young kids. And he didn't want to deal with me being a nagging wife.

And when he left - who do you think he went and hung out with? Other women like me? Of course not. He went and found other alcoholics and addicts. People who would tell him his behavior is okay. People who might even be worse off than he was so he can feel superior.

Their "friends" are not holding them accountable. They are not pointing out the fact that he or she should be home and sober with their family.

The sign that your partner wants to leave the house means that you're in a healthier place than he or she is. So next time you feel tempted to nag him to ask yourself, "Does this really work?" And more importantly, "When I nag how does it make me feel about myself?" Chances are - not very good.

Honor yourself by refusing to be the nagging wife.

Get on with your life and your choices and let your partner make theirs. If he or she is not coming home, get busy doing something that makes you happy. A bubble bath, cleaning out a closet, going for a walk, baking some cookies. Make a list of ten things that bring you joy and do one thing every time you feel tempted to nag. Meet your own needs. This will help you get back control over this disease not by being controlling, but by being accountable for your choices.

You can do this! I am right here beside you reminding you - even in the worst of times - you're not alone. I know how you feel.

If you're ready to make your healing as important as your partner's sobriety – we are waiting for you. Our programs are online, confidential, and you have lifetime access – so you can do them at your own pace.

A while ago, I went skilling with my family in Whistler, Canada, and when I came back I just didn't feel like myself. I would wake up in the morning feeling exhausted after an 8-hour sleep. I kept thinking it was jet lag, but weeks went by and I just never felt better. A few years ago I had gone in for some blood work and the doctor noticed some of my levels were high.

Turns out, I was diagnosed with autoimmune, low iron, and hypothyroidism, among some other things.

The last several months have been a struggle. I lost my ambition to do most things. I went to my hairdresser and she noticed my hair was unhealthy and falling out. I gained weight around my mid-section (fun). I was just not feeling myself.

The weeks were filled with doctor's appointments, vitamins, medications, and more.

The other night, I was sitting on the couch watching a movie - something I don't usually do. Sitting in combination with movie watching and not multitasking? That's when I knew there must be something wrong.

My sweet husband was in the laundry room folding laundry (think super large, 8-person-family-size laundry). And I was sitting on the couch. Doing nothing else.

Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to just sit there knowing that he was doing a chore and I was doing nothing? I felt so guilty. And then I started to think of all the ways I could repay him. It almost killed me not to get up off the couch and tell him, "Thanks, hon, I've got it from here."

In the last few weeks, he's put the kids to bed while I pore over medical articles. He's emptied the dishwasher and taken the kids to the playground so I could nap. It's really ridiculous.

But then it occurred to me - he's serving me. And he expects nothing back. Most of my life - certainly all my adult life - I have been thinking of ways to serve everyone else. My kids, my husband, my friends. And now, it's my time to be served. To accept the loving acts of kindness that my husband is doing for me.

I had never had a husband that was willing to do something kind. When you're married to someone suffering from addiction, it's usually (but not in every case) all about them. Their needs, their timeline, their choices. We become an afterthought.

I don't share this with you to brag. I hope you know my heart's intention is good. But I thought about you (as I often do) and wondered... if you had this kind of thoughtfulness offered to you, would you be able to accept it?

Or would you be like me, and feel guilty or like you owe someone something in return?

Why don't we start accepting the help we need?

What about starting off small, like saying "yes, please" when the grocery clerk offers to carry your bags to the car?

Or "yes, please" when a friend offers to bring over dinner?

Or when we're feeling really brave, next time you're vulnerable with someone and they offer to help - actually tell them, "You know what would be so helpful?" and then name your need. Dinner, picking up the kids from school, a girl's night. Whatever.

We have to stop being afraid of asking for what we need and start feeling deserving enough to receive.

You and I, we are givers. We are women who love to take care of everyone else.

Thanks to an amazing doctor, I am back to 100% health. And because of my "time off" I am a little more balanced in the giving/receiving area.

It was a great reminder to me that accepting help doesn't make us weak - it makes us real. And being vulnerable enough to receive is truly an act of strength.

I go into self-care more in the Love Over Addiction program. I really hope you join me because making your healing a priority is one of the best ways to help your family start recovering from this disease - whether they get sober or not.