Love Over Addiction

There is a new movement going on about addiction - men and women who are in recovery are speaking out about their addiction. They are trying to break the stigma that addiction is a shameful disease and something we need to keep a secret. And I am so amazingly proud of all the ones who are brave enough to publicly declare their victory (or journey to victory) over addiction.

There are so many benefits to claiming your struggles and sharing with the world how you got better and found help.

But I am still worried. Because the ones that love them are still suffering in the backgrounds. We are in the shadows quietly waiting for our loved ones to recover. We're hoping with every ounce of our being that one day all this pain, rejection, and suffering will bring us closer together with the ones we love. We want a happy ending just as much (and sometimes more than) the ones who are addicted.

So where is our moment of public victory?

Is it really our victory to claim? They are the ones who are not choosing to drink or use drugs anymore - how can we take any credit for that? And what about if they have no victory to claim? Will we always just be struggling in the shadows? Afraid to tell anyone what's going on in our family?

For how long will we keep smiling when we feel like crying? How long will we act like we're okay because they were sober two days this week?

It's a tough place to be. We can't control their sobriety, but we don't feel it's our place to share with others since it might shame them.

But here's my truth (and you can decide for yourself): I know, for sure, that addiction thrives on secrecy.

If kept a secret, it always remains in control. And the ability for outside influences to help are very small.

If we keep this disease a secret, addiction wins.

The other fact that I feel comfortable claiming is that this disease is a family disease. It's happening to us just as much as it's happening to them. When they are trying to hang on for one more day, we can't stop worrying while waiting to see if they'll succeed.

We usually structure our lives around their addiction. Can't go to that sports game because there will be beer there. He really doesn't want to go to the movies at night since they won't be serving alcohol, so we stay in a watch a movie. We are hoping the local bar closes down for business or the drug dealer gets put in jail. It feels like a full-time job to manage our lives around their addiction.

So with all the effort, the struggle, and the pain, why isn't this our disease to share?

We're in it too. And we need to stop being so darn worried about what other people will think of our marriages and share what's really going on in our homes. It would be amazing if we all did this. How many women you know right now who will come forward and go, "I know exactly how you feel."

And then think if all of us shared that we love someone who is struggling. Think of how powerless this disease would get. It would be destroyed because we would all be willing to share our stories, learn from one another, and grow together. We would share its secrets and its evil ways. If we dragged addiction out from the evil darkness and into the light - I am convinced together we would be stronger, wiser, and more courageous and we would beat addiction.

We can hold hands, form a circle, and teach each other by sharing, supporting, and offering suggestions. We can return to our homes armored and ready. Or we can leave if we need to or we can stay if we choose to. We will have freedom.

So, my wonderful and loving friends -

I know that sharing that your loved one is fighting for their life with addiction sounds terrifying. But today, just think of at least two people you know who you can share this with. And when you share, remember - you're not looking for approval. You're just serving others by letting them know things are not so perfect. And you're serving yourself by giving yourself permission to no longer accept that shame is something you need to own. This disease is not your fault.

Looking for more support during this time where you're going from holding this deep, dark secret to beginning to share it with others? Head over to MichelleLisaAnderson.com to learn more about the work-at-your-own-pace programs that I offer for women just like you.

What do we do when the one we love keeps choosing drugs and alcohol over us? Most of us feel angry and rejected. Some of us choose to react to our anger by shoving it down inside. Others lash out. Neither option is good.

So what do we do with all the anger that seems like it comes along with this disease? How do we get back to a place of joy?

Here's the first truth I need to you hear. It was written in a book called Quiet (and if you're an introvert like me - this is a must read). The author, Susan Cain wrote:

Most of us believe that venting anger lets off steam. That aggression builds up inside of us until it's healthily released. This dates back to the Greeks, revised by Freud and then punching bags and primal screams came along in the 1960's. But it's a myth. Scores of STUDIES have shown that venting doesn't soothe anger; if FUELS it. We're best off when we don't allow ourselves to go to our angry place.

So what do we do with anger? I have a few suggestions (you didn't think I was going to just leave you without some helpful tips, did you?):

1. Take a deep breath.
2. Remove yourself from the setting.
3. Have a set of tools you can turn to (books, movies, songs, etc.) and dig into them at the soonest possible moment.
4. Yoga. I just started a few months ago and it is amazing. It's lots of breathing, relaxing music, and an instructor who was walking us through mediation.
5. Prayer. Make a playlist of songs that really softens your heart and find a quiet spot and pray. Promise yourself that you won't get up until you feel better. Don't forget to make space to listen (prayer isn't just a one-sided conversation).

I have found that when we're angry, we need to go to the exact opposite place, which is compassion and empathy. Love on yourself. Do something kind. The more kindness you offer yourself, the quicker the anger will melt away and you'll be able to offer kindness to those around you.

P.S. Remember: feeling angry is normal. Even Jesus got angry. So don't try to avoid it, but let's learn how to deal with it.

If you want to learn exactly how to take steps toward your own recovery when you love someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction, I would love to help you. Your healing starts with you - not him. I've put together a free guide with 12 tips to get you started on this journey. Following these tips won't always be easy, but it's the beginning of your transformation. Sign up below and I'll send them straight to your inbox.

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In this community, we give you a lot of tools to help you feel happiness and joy whether your partner gets sober or not. We don't believe the common theory that says we're powerless over this disease. There are many things we can do that will take our power of choice and confidence back from the awful disease that steals it.

We don't just throw our hands up in the air and say, "Oh, well. I just have to sit around and wait for my partner to get sober to start to feel better." That's not true for us. We are strong, courageous women who will stand up to this disease. We will not let it rob us of the good life we are meant to have.

We will not just sit back and be subservient.

Does this newfound courage come off as anger? No. Let's not mistake courage for anger. Our strength is dignified. We will stand our ground and stand up to this disease and we will do so with more respect than anger.

Our words will be intentional and strong. We will say what we mean and follow through. Even when we are afraid and doubt starts telling us we're doing it wrong - we will press on.

And make no mistake, my loves, when we take back our power over this disease, there will be a struggle for control. Addiction does not want to lose. It will fight to keep controlling the one you love and you.

Because you are a woman on a mission to save herself (and perhaps her children) and nothing can mess with a mother and her babies.

He might tell you it was mean when you left him at the party because of his embarrassing behavior after too many drinks or drug use. But it's not mean. It was the right thing to do. That's just this disease trying to make you feel guilty. Don't fall for it.

When you refuse to sleep with them after they've been drinking or using drugs, they might tell you it makes them feel like you don't love them. Remain strong and let them know when they are consistently sober, loving, and respectful, you would love to share a bed.

And make no mistake about it, my sweet sister… the stronger you get - the less they like it.

They might throw a temper tantrum. They might belittle you. They might guilt trip you. But don't change your ways.

When you try to make powerful changes - this disease gets scared. Because you are threatening its future. Addiction is used to controlling the person you love and you. And when one person has the courage to say enough - it will do anything to get you back under its thumb. Don't fall for it. You're stronger than that.

And you don't need to announce that you'll be changing your ways. Your new strong and courageous choices will let them know. Besides... how many times have you threatened to change or to leave but not followed through? They probably won't believe you anyways. Don't worry about giving them a heads up or explaining yourself. Just start changing and they will catch on.

Keep moving forward. Practice making healthy choices. You can do it! I'm 100% behind you. Cheering you on every step of the way.

P.S. Join us at one of our work at your own pace programs and become a member of our secret Facebook group where the doors always open to talk about these major life changes.

My family and I are thinking of moving to Nashville. This really isn't something we all want to do, but it's a move that we are feeling called to do. There are a millions reasons why moving to this beautiful town makes sense. We could go from five schools to two. We would have way more options for a thriving church. Even the cost of living would go down. There are so many benefits.

But here's the truth: we don't want to move.

And the more I feel that God is calling us to pick up our lives and leave, the more I am trying to figure out the "why" behind it.

Why am I resisting change even when I know it's good for me?

There are three reasons that come to mind when I stop and slow down to take personal inventory:

I am scared of the unknown. I don't have the neighborhood picked out, so it's difficult for me to imagine our new home. And what about our friendships? The introvert in me cringes at the idea of having to open up to new people.

I am comfortable where I'm at. I remodeled my home and it's full of memories. The other day I was walking the dog through the neighborhood and enjoying the palm trees, the beach, and the birds. Chances are, if we move, it will be painful. There will be tears - for me and my kids. It's going to be difficult and guaranteed to not be easy. Even though I know the location where we are is not the best life for us - it's what I'm familiar with and that means it's comfortable.

I don't want to take a chance on something new. I get things wrong all the time. What if this move is the wrong move? What if we go there and are miserable? What if this calling I'm feeling is bad judgment on my part? I would have made a terrible mistake. And my family would have to suffer.

And as I was thinking through my personal dilemma, I thought of you (because I am always thinking of you).

There is one thing I know for sure: where I am now doesn't feel right. It may feel convenient and it may be familiar, but it's not my best. And I have a feeling that the whisper I hear about moving is God offering us the best.

Sometimes, the hardest things we need to do are necessary, even when we don't understand what we'll get when we do them.

I can't imagine my happy life in another town today. But I know that staying where I am is not the long-term answer.

It's so much harder to make changes and move forward when you can't guarantee the outcome. That's why we stay stuck in our situations.

So just for today, we are taking it one step at a time. I'm not putting the house up for sale just yet (no need to get dramatic). I will just keep doing the next best choice. We went to visit and took the kids. Next, we toured schools. Now, we've applied and are waiting. One small step at a time.

I could easily work myself up by thinking of the next ten things that may or may not happen. But when I go to that place and start to feel anxious and panicky, I shut it down. No need to waste energy on things I can't control. And, as I learned during my divorce, answers will appear at the perfect moment. I just need to focus on completing the next task in front of me.

Moving forward requires taking chances and trying new things. It may not mean that we physically move. It might require us to say, "No, thank you," or to say, "Enough - no more," or, "Yes, please."

Here's the bottom line: if we're not happy with areas in our lives, we cannot expect change until we're willing to get uncomfortable.

What do you feel you're being called to do that you've been putting off? Have you been like me: too afraid of change, so you're settling and making the best out of what's less-than-best?

Are you comfortable in your suffering? Has being married to a good person who drinks too much or is addicted to drugs become your excuse for not fighting for your future?

Are you waiting for your partner to get sober so your life can get better?

There is no judgment here. We are sisters and we are in this together, no matter what stage we're in.

If you're ready to commit to your healing – join one of our programs and let's get started. They are full of REAL tips (and not a lot of fluff) that you can start using immediately.

When I was married to a good man suffering from this disease, I went to the bookstore on a regular basis looking for books about how to help my husband get sober. What I found was tons of stories and memoirs about brave men and women who have struggled with addiction and found a way to get sober.

But there were no stories about the women who loved them.

So late one night when I was in the bookstore, I made a promise to God that if I ever found the answers, I would spend the rest of my life teaching other women.

And that's exactly what I have been doing for over six years.

My three online, do-at-your-own-pace programs are designed just for wives, girlfriends, and mothers who love someone who suffers from alcoholism or substance abuse.

Today we are going to talk about something a little bit different: rehabilitation.

I get asked questions like, "Does rehab really work?" and "What makes a good rehab?" all the time.

But before I tell you the top ten things you need to know about rehab, I want to share my experience with getting my ex-husband into a rehabilitation program.

I go more into detail about it in the Love Over Mistakes program, but I'll keep this story short.

Several years ago, at one of my many trips to the bookstore, I came across a book written by a man who started his own fancy rehab center based on extensive research. His approach was dramatically different than most 12-step rehabs, and there was something very persuasive about his writing. The more I read his book, the more I was convinced that I needed to get my husband to Malibu so he could experience the breakthrough this author was promising.

I spent days dreaming of what it would be like to have him sober for good. How he would be the loving, supportive husband I always knew he could be. My children would finally get the engaged dad who was sober and loving all the time. Our vacations and holidays would not be centered around his next drink.

But there was an issue: this rehab cost $60,000. We were in our twenties at the time and coming up with that kind of money seemed impossible because we lived paycheck to paycheck.

I called our health insurance agency, and they told me they would pay for some of it. Then I called our family and my father kindly offered to take out a second mortgage on his apartment. I drained our bank account, plus his family agreed to pay a portion as well.

After a month of planning, the money was there. Now it was time to fill him in. I planned on hosting an intervention, but (since God had a better idea) the night before our intervention was going to take place, he overdosed on drugs.

I'm not sure what kind of drugs he took, but he came into my bedroom and was talking really fast and acting crazy. I've never seen anything like it. He had always done his drugs away from the house. It scared me to the core. I was watching a stranger in my bedroom who had absolutely no resemblance to the man I married.

I prayed that the kids would stay asleep so they would not witness his paranoid behavior and hours later he settled down.

I told him that we had planned for him to leave, take a month off of work, and attend a rehab. That everything had been taken care of for him.

I didn't know how he would react and I was prepared for the worst. But then he looked at me and said he was tired of living like this. He agreed to go just four hours before his scheduled flight to the rehab center.

Like I said, I go more into what happened in the next month in the Love Over Mistakes program. But for now, I want to share with you the top ten tips that you will find helpful when considering rehabs. I wish I had these tips all those years ago.

He will NOT lose his job if he goes to rehab.

The Americans with Disabilities Act and the Family Medical Leave Act guarantee that addicts and alcoholics who wish to undergo treatment for substance abuse will be given the time they need to do so by their employers and that their jobs will be saved for them while they are away. These laws do not guarantee a paycheck while they are gone. Some employers will pay a certain percentage of their paycheck, some will not.

Rehab success rates can be misleading.

According to the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse, the rehab community claims a 30% success rate, but they only count people who complete the programs. 70-80% have dropped out within 3-6 months. I am not sharing these numbers to discourage you or put down the rehab industry. But if you're thinking, like I did, that just getting them to rehab will be the solution, you might need to adjust your expectations.

12-step programs are usually part of the aftercare suggestions.

Eventually, your partner will be encouraged by the rehab to attend a 12-step aftercare program. If he or she attended rehab and graduated, but doesn't feel comfortable attending 12-step, higher-power programs on a consistent basis, they don't have a lot of other choices for aftercare treatment other than therapy.

Many rehabs don't follow up with alumni.

Once you graduate from the program, you're pretty much on your own. Of the rehabs that I know of, most do a decent job of trying to suggest ways to manage your aftercare. But when you walk out those doors, it's up to your loved one to work their own recovery.

Look for a rehab that practices EBT.

EBT stands for Evidence-Based Treatment. 12-step programs have saved many lives, but studies have shown that we need to also include a medical model for treatment. A medical model includes an assessment from a psychologist or psychiatrist who is trained in addiction medicine, an intervention, therapy, psychopharmacology (a fancy word that means medication), and an inpatient program or outpatient program that offers quality care. You can go to the American Society of Addiction Medicine for a directory.

Rehab is expensive.

Even non-profit rehabs usually cost over $20,000 for 30 days.

Recovery information you read on the internet is often published by a rehab, not a research-based institute.

If you're on a website reading about addiction and they have a 1-800 number or any ads for a rehab, chances are, the website is published by a rehab. I'm not saying there isn't good information out there on the internet to read about addiction but know the source. Sometimes what looks like well-written articles are just marketing websites.

They might tell you relapse is part of his recovery.

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, a government-funded program, relapse in addiction resembles relapse in other chronic diseases. You may have heard people compare the disease of addiction to diabetes. Well, if you're a type-1 diabetic and you're getting successful treatment, you have a 30-50% chance of relapse. If you suffer from addiction you have a 40-60% chance of relapse. If you suffer from asthma, your chances of relapse are even greater at 50-70%. Just because they attend rehab, doesn't mean there isn't a good chance they will relapse just like any other chronic disease. When that happens, we don't need to think of it as a failure. Rather, a treatment needs to be reinstated or readjusted or another treatment needs to be introduced.

You need to recover too.

You have been hurt, damaged, and lied to by this disease. Getting your loved one help is good. But if he or she refuses or agrees, you need to find support and answers too. If you're anything like me, when my ex-husband went to rehab, I was left feeling lonely, angry, and worried. I needed to work my own program and get educated on what I needed to do when he came back. If you're interested and you want to learn about our online, do-at-your-own-pace programs, you can click here.

If they don't want help, you won't be able to change their heart.

I know that's hard to hear, but if you really want them to get sober, they have to want it too. However, you don't need to wait for them to get sober for you to start to feel better. You can take control of your decisions and reactions and your recovery.

I believe in you. You're not powerless over this disease. You don't need to wait for them to get sober to start to feel better. We are in this together.

P.S. I hope you will join me in one of our programs. You have lifetime access, they are private and confidential, and, remember - you need recovery if he gets sober or not.

I am asked all the time, "Why do I keep going back to someone who hurts me so much?" There are many reasons we stay, but instead of guessing, I'm going to be vulnerable and share with you why I kept falling in love with a man who clearly didn't love me or himself enough to get sober.

Here are the top four reasons I kept going back to a broken relationship: I loved his potential.

I was married to a great guy. He was funny, charming, smart, and good-looking. He had it all. And my big and sensitive heart could see all his goodness. And because I was in love with him, I chose to keep focusing only on his potential. I thought that if he could just be that loving guy all the time, our lives would be amazing. And the truth is... if he got sober, they may have been, but maybe not.

I have a friend whose husband was sober for over ten years, but he was still very narcissistic and all his decisions were made from a very self-centered place. Getting sober does not guarantee an amazing life.

The truth is, you don't really know how he would be if he was sober for the rest of his life. So the image you have might not be the most truthful or realistic.

I was scared of being alone.

For so long, all my energy was focused on him. Even when things got really bad (and they got really bad), I would suffer and put up with crap because my fear kept me stuck.

I was afraid no one else would want me. Afraid I was going to be alone the rest of my life. I was afraid my kids would blame me. I wasn't sure how I was going to pay the bills and didn't know where I would live.

The idea of evenings spent alone was terrifying. But I was already alone because every time he was drunk he might have been with me physically, but he wasn't with me. He wasn't offering me anything. Instead, his disease was tearing me down and telling me I wasn't worth it.

Once I actually left, I realized that it was far healthier to lie in bed by myself and read a good book or watch my favorite movie than lie in my bed and wonder when he was going to join me and how drunk or high he was going to be when he came home.

That's the kind of tricks this disease plays on you: it convinces you that lying there worrying if he will ever get sober is better than lying there in peace by yourself. And that's just crazy.

I didn't want to look at myself.

You may have already been in one alcoholic relationship and now you're into your second. Or you've left your loved one and you've started dating other alcoholics and you're wondering why you've attracted these kinds of negative relationships into your life. Here's why: you haven't done the work you need to do on you.

It's much easier to blame the alcoholic when your life isn't going so well.

I thought that if I just left him, I would be able to find a happy and healthy relationship as long as the man was sober. But this could not have been further than the truth. I needed to do my own work. I had to take a good, long look at myself and say, "Where do I need to grow? Am I too needy?" Yes. "Do I look to other people to tell me how I should feel?" Yep. "Do I change my mind a lot?" Check. "Am I good at taking care of myself, or do I become resentful when other people don't meet my needs?"

These are all things I needed to work on before I got into another relationship and before I decided to leave. Once I did my own work and left him to choose for himself whether to get sober or self-destruct, I realized that I deserved to be cherished and respected.

I didn't want to break apart my family.

The real reason I finally decided to leave was not for me, but for my kids. I could not stand the idea that they were growing up around a man who hurt them so badly. Don't think it's that big of a deal? Talk to any adult child of an alcoholic and they will tell you the nightmares of their childhood. The neglect. The abuse. The rage or the tip-toeing.

A woman can put up with a lot of self-abuse, but when it comes to her kids - we are like lions. Waiting to be pounce and protect our young.

But for those first six years of my son's life, I convinced myself that if I left, my kids would never forgive me. But why? Was it wrong that I craved the father who would show up consistently sober for his children? No - it was my responsibility as a parent to be their biggest advocate.

The truth is, it's never fun looking at the truth but we have to if we want to get unstuck. If we want that better life, we have to work for it. It must be intentional. It'll be scary. It will be difficult. But it's worth every tear, drop of sweat, and heartbeat. Because our life is worth it.

No matter how old we are, our future is worth the struggle and the battle. And facing your truths will unlock your heart's healing. You don't have anything to be embarrassed about. We are all the same here. We get you. This disease has beaten us up, but we will rise together. We will stand up to it because we are not powerless. We will be our own biggest advocates and God tells us to be strong and courageous.

If you're ready to make your healing as important as your partner's sobriety – we are waiting for you. Our programs are online, confidential, and you have lifetime access – so you can do them at your own pace.

Almost every week, a woman who loves a good person suffering from the disease of addiction asks me if they should tell their family how out of control things have become.

Have you ever wondered if you should tell your family about their latest binge? Or about the time they never came home? Or what's really going on with your marriage?

Your loved one might seem put together on the outside. Most men and women who drink too much or suffer from substance abuse hold down good jobs and earn a good living. Most of the time, they can help take care of the kids and household duties.

And because they are so high-functioning, it can leave you feeling nervous about sharing with family just how bad things have become. Will they believe you? Will they blame you? What if they are in denial and passively listen to you, but don't really hear you?

How do you handle immediate family if they deny, enable, or blame you?

Well, before I get to the answer, I think it's really important that we discuss why we cover up this disease for the ones we love and what makes us too afraid to tell others.

Telling my parents that the man I loved had a drinking problem was a huge deal for me. For years, I kept his issues a secret. Sure, they could tell he would have a few too many drinks on Christmas or birthdays. But they really had no idea how much and how often he was drinking or using.

Here are the top 3 reasons we cover up this disease for the ones we love:

Guilt. We feel guilty for betraying them. We feel like this is their secret to tell. But what have we all been taught about keeping secrets? Secrets keep us alone, ashamed, and stuck. Keeping their disease a secret is letting the addiction win. You have every right to share with loved ones what they're struggling with because you're struggling with this too. That's why they call it a family disease.

For years I worried, "What if he found out that I told his parents he spends several nights a week drinking too much? Or that his drinking has turned into smoking pot and then doing cocaine?" The funny, charming man they call their son was blowing through our life savings at the local liquor store.

If they confronted him - he would be so angry at me. And they did confront him and he was angry at me. But the more I spoke about it, the more educated we all became. The more he was called out on the carpet, the more this disease began to lose control.

Protection. You love them and you want everyone else to love them too. You want everyone to see the real person you fell in love with and all their potential. You're their biggest fan. And when they are sober, they can be the most loving and wonderful person on earth.

I wanted my parents to be my husband's biggest fans. And the truth is that I thought that if he felt loved and accepted, it might help him get sober. So I made it my job to let my parents know just how wonderful he was. I would laugh a little harder at his jokes when they were around, I would mention how he loves to detail the cars and takes such great care of our vehicles.

But there was also a part of me that wanted to protect his reputation because I didn't want to be embarrassed. I had always felt like the black sheep of the family and if they saw that I had made a mess of my marriage, it would just validate the fact that I would never be as good as my brother.

Looking back now, I can see that I was just owning his addiction. The truth is, I could have had a body like Barbie, a mind like Elizabeth Thatcher, and a heart like Mother Theresa, and he still would have had an issue with drugs and alcohol. His addiction and all the dysfunction that came with that had nothing to do with me.

Endings. And lastly, I didn't tell my immediate family that the one I loved was struggling so badly with drugs and alcohol because I was afraid they would tell me I needed to leave.

I loved him. We had three babies together. I loved my home and the idea of leaving just seemed impossible. How could I give up and walk away? Where would I live? What would people think? What would God think? The questions were too overwhelming. The more I tried to answer those questions, the more afraid I became of being alone.

In the end, I did tell his family and my family many, many times about his addiction. And here's the truth: their reactions are not my concern. If they want to live in denial and try to blame me or justify his poor choices, fine. I know the truth. I don't need them to back me up.

Tell family members, but lower your expectations and stop waiting for them to justify your feelings. You know what's going on. You're a grown woman who is responsible and loving. You don't need their approval. You don't need their validation. Keep your sharing to just the facts. If they don't cherish your feelings - don't trust them with your feelings. Just keep it strictly to the facts. Think of yourself as a reporter.

I hope you found this helpful. It's hard for people to understand what you're going through. And if you're looking for a community of women or a program that was created just for you that will teach you exactly what to do - then it's time you joined one of our do-at-your-own-pace, online programs. There are no meetings to attend and you can learn from the privacy of your own home.

If you have been listening to my podcast or reading my blog, then you know that I love to research.

One of my happy places is sitting behind my computer in my office with a warm cup of tea and spending the day Googling and getting deep into a subject.

Recently, I went to an event in Naples, Florida and during dinner, I sat next to a researcher. Usually, I'm not a fan of those kinds of events. But, I was so excited to find another introvert who could discuss research strategies.

When I was married to a good man who drank too much and was addicted to drugs and many other things, I began to research.

First, I started looking into top rehabilitation centers. That research led me to this post about the top ten things you need to know about rehab.

After I researched ways to help the man I love get sober, I started researching ways I could find help for me.

Where were the resources for the family members? I did find some, but they all seemed so depressing.

They usually had a cliched picture of a person standing on top of a mountain with his or her arms open wide. Or, even worse, images of drugs and alcohol. The last thing I needed to see was images of the very substances that were responsible for taking the man I love away from me. Do you know the kind of pictures I'm talking about?

I craved something with real answers.

I found chat rooms that were filled with angry women who were only using it as a place to vent. And let's be clear - there's nothing wrong with venting. But if you're around someone who's constantly complaining, you know that it can be depressing. How often are you going to want to hang out with someone who's always using their energy to unload their negativity?

And as a quick side note: this is why I always tell women to be careful with their friendships when they're married to someone who's struggling with addiction. You want to make sure you're always finding a balance between sharing your struggles, but also listening to other people too. It can't always be about our urgent problems.

I went to group meetings. But after a few months, I felt like I wanted to have a real conversation and sometimes I left feeling even more worried and depressed than when I arrived.

So, I started thinking, "How can I take such a serious subject and make it more approachable? More warm and loving?" My intention is not to downplay our pain. Because loving someone who loves drugs and alcohol more than they love us is painful.

But when I look back at my 10-year relationship with an addict and alcoholic, I see things to be grateful for. There were many blessings that came out of our marriage even though it didn't last.

I would never, ever take that time back. And that motivated me to create a social media campaign called 12 Blessings of Addiction. Once a week, I post a very personal blessing that came from loving someone struggling with this disease on Facebook and Instagram.

I think you will be shocked at what you read. And my hope is that you can see yourself in my situation. I get very vulnerable and, yes, I was scared to be this personal. But I want to be real with you about my truth because I think most of you will be able to relate.

Now, this is just a warning: some of these blessings are controversial. I've already received some not-so-loving feedback. But you don't have to agree with everything I'm saying. It's okay if we have a difference of opinion. We can still be sisters and in this together. We shouldn't let addiction tear us apart just because we all don't think alike.

So if you need encouragement and are wondering why God put you in this relationship - check out my Facebook Page and Instagram and look for the posts about the 12 Blessings of Addiction. Send me a friend request or follow me. I would love to hear from you. Plus, you'll get the latest essays and podcasts.

And before I go, I want you to lean in really close. Because I think you might need to hear this today.

Addiction is a part of your destiny. It's a painful part of your life story. And because this is your truth, one day when the healing has gone from a scab to a scar, you will be used to help many others. Your suffering will be the most wonderful offering you give. And your pain will be the most wonderful gift you have received. You just need to make it through. You've got me and I'm here cheering you on. And you've got the other women in this new movement. And together we will stand hand-in-hand and break the stigma of addiction.

If you're in need of immediate help, recovery, and answers, I have you covered. Go check out my three programs. They are online and do-at-your-own-pace. You have lifetime access, so if something comes up you can take a pause and come back whenever it's most convenient for you. You don't have to go through this alone.

Do you find it difficult to know what to do when the one you love starts drinking in front of your children? Are you a parent of a child who drinks too much or suffers from substance abuse?

I often say to my loving Secret Facebook Community - which is filled with some of the most amazing and courageous women on this planet - you have choices. You don't need to stick around when they're making bad choices.

You can ask them to leave the house. If they refuse or they're too drunk, you can pick up your keys, grab the kids, and head right out the door.

Over the years, I have had some women say to me, "Michelle, it's not that easy. What if they decide to follow me? What if the kids are busy and don't want to leave the house?"

And here's the loving but hard truth I need you to hear:

I had three young kids when I was married to my alcoholic and addicted husband. And I get that it's not easy. But sometimes this disease requires us to do things that are not easy.

There were moments I had to wake up my baby from a nap and get the older ones out of the house. After we were divorced, there was an evening I had to drive until 3am from another state to rescue my kids from his house because he was drunk and out of control and my kids were scared and hiding in the bathroom.

If you know they will follow you to the car and try to prevent you from leaving, you can call the police. I had to do that three different times. Having the police show up at my house was embarrassing, but it showed addiction that I mean what I say. Take me seriously when I say leave the house or leave me alone.

We HAVE to be willing to teach this disease that we mean business and courageously stand up to addiction.

We can do it. I am cheering you on every minute. You are more courageous than you think.

I hope you found this helpful and will consider joining one of the three programs we offer. I would love to get to know you better inside the Secret Facebook Group filled with hundreds of women just like you (you will receive a private invitation after you join one of the programs).

P.S. Speaking of our Secret Facebook Group, one of the very wise women who is a part of it shared this comment when I asked the group this question: "What do you do when you think your loved one might drink this weekend?"

This is what she wrote:

My new thing to say in general is, "Will you let me know if you're planning to drink tonight? If so, the kids and I are going to go....(do whatever)." This lets him know that I'm not interested in being around it, that I'm not trying to control his behavior, and that I have a plan in place. Sometimes he will say "I'm fine without it," which is great. Other times, he drinks and we do something else. Tiring, but more peaceful.

THAT'S BRILLIANT! That takes courage and commitment and I am so proud of her. She has been a member of the Love Over Addiction program for a few months and her growth is amazing!

Addiction is expensive. Beer, liquor, drugs, pills, porn - it all adds up. I was an oblivious wife and never really paid much attention to our bank statements. Math wasn't my best subject and I thought it was romantic that my husband took care of the bills and provided for us.

But I was wrong.

There was nothing romantic about wasting hundreds of thousands of dollars on the very things that are destroying our family.

It wasn't until he was in rehab that I finally sat down and looked over our checking account and realized how out of control this disease was.

Here's my helpful tip about managing your finances:

You should consider getting separate bank accounts if both you and your husband are earning an income. Put everything you earn into your account and DO NOT give him access. This disease will continue to rip you off and take from you no matter how upset you get at him.

I even recommend this to my friends who aren't married to an alcoholic or substance abuser. They say it's the best thing they have ever done for their marriage.

One friend makes more than her husband, so they both take money out of their separate accounts and put a set percentage into a joint account to pay the monthly bills. Her husband said it was so healthy for their relationship.

You can spend money on things that you like and you won't need to answer to him and he can spend money on beer or whatever and you don't need to nag him or worry about not being able to pay bills.

Another benefit is that it will help you keep a good credit rating. My credit rating was destroyed because addiction doesn't care if borrowing money to feed the disease will get you in debt.

I know this might be a big step for you, but please just consider it.

You're a strong and courageous woman. You've got this.

P.S. You can give him a courtesy "heads up" that you're doing this but you don't need to ask him for permission.

If you found this helpful, we have three courses that could change your life (and your relationship) PLUS a Secret Facebook Group filled with women just like you (so you will never feel lonely again). Click here to learn more.