Love Over Addiction

Dear _______,

Our marriage served a purpose and was not wasted even though it did not last. We had three little ones who are light and joy and gifts to this world. They have your terrific sense of humor, your working hands, and your kind heart.

You knew that dark, rainy afternoon that you could not be the father they need. That I had found someone who could love them and care for them in a way that your addiction would not let you. You let them go out of pure love. And when you shook that man's hand outside and thanked him for adopting your blood, that was the most selfless, loving act of kindness.

You are not defined by the mistakes you've made.

In that moment, the man God created you to be was overpowering the man that addiction is trying to make you become.

I am no better than you because I don't struggle with addiction. We are both doing the best we can and making mistakes along the way.

You were given an unfair disadvantage. A predisposition. Why you? Why did our family have to break apart because of this disease?

I don't know, but one day I will get to ask God. And until then, I will work. I will work to help heal the suffering that addiction causes. To educate women and teach them that we're not powerless over this disease.

I could not save you from your disease, but I will spend my life working to make it purposeful.

We love you - from a distance, where it's safe. Because this disease is a nasty battle that is dangerous for young, tender hearts and minds. We will cheer you on and pray with tears and grit for your healing. But we will be outside the arena of your battle.

We know you can fight and surrender and win. You're a special gift. Your talents need to be used. You have love and knowledge to share with the world.

This is a battle for your life. Literally. Fight for it. Never give up. It might appear that we have left. That you have been abandoned. But if you listen closely, you will hear our cheers. Our deep plea for your breakthrough.

We have not given up. It has been many years and our voices of encouragement have not faded.

We love you - from a safe distance.

P.S. We thank you. I thank you. Thank you for never condemning me for my purpose. For encouraging me to tell my story. For thanking me for finding a good father for your children. We are waiting with open arms for your victory over addiction.

If you're ready to commit to your healing – join one of our programs and let's get started. They are full of REAL tips (and not a lot of fluff) that you can start using immediately.

Do you overcomplicate things in your life?

Maybe you make a decision only to doubt if it's the right one?

Do you stay stuck in your situation because you're afraid if you step out in faith it will be too soon or too late? Or the wrong step?

Use this checklist to make your next decision and see if your plans match God's will. Take action immediately. Move forward with courage and strength. You have His permission. You have God's promises. What more confirmation do you need?

How to Make Your Next Decision:

If it's kind - it's God's will.

If it's an act of strength and courage - it's God's will.

If it's moral - it's God's will.

If it's honest - it's God's will.

If it's loyal - it's God's will.

If it's fair - it's God's will.

The details don't matter. It's very simple.

When faced with a decision, I remind myself of these promises:

God promises protection. He will be my bodyguard.

God promises wisdom. He will keep an eye on me.

I was given a spirit of power and love and a sound mind.

And so were you. Let's start using this simple checklist and trust the God within each of us.

If you found this tip helpful, there are plenty more practical ways we can help ourselves and the ones we love. We don't need to stay stuck and unhappy. There are better answers. Click here to take a look at one of our programs and payment plans.

I signed up to volunteer with the 4-year-olds at church one Sunday, and about ten minutes into the class, I started looking at the clock and wondering how much longer until the class was over.

Let's be super clear: I love children. I have six of my own, but I am certain being a preschool teacher or working with young kids is not my gift.

Maybe it's because I think about germs way too much. Maybe it's because I prefer adult talk. Maybe it's because I always feel like I need a nap afterward. I just know that I was not the person who was made to volunteer in a class full of beautiful, precious children.

I have good friends who love serving in that position, so I am going cheer them on and I will find somewhere else to serve. Also, I don't feel guilty about it - I just know that it's not for me.

That's a boundary I have put in place. Anytime someone asks me to volunteer with little ones, I politely (and respectfully) decline.

Boundaries are important for every woman, but they are especially important when you love someone who struggles with addiction or who drinks too much.

Here are four helpful boundaries you should put in place:

Your words can't change him. Surrender the desire to fix him. Change your expectations. He is sick.

Transfer all the energy you used to put into worrying or working yourself up over his bad mood and use that energy for yourself. Self-care is the best way to heal.

Be kind to yourself. Be your biggest advocate. Self-compassion allows you to be compassionate with others.

Practice good boundaries. It's okay if he calls and you don't want to answer. You're not at his beck and call. You can let it go to voicemail and you can block his number.

If you're struggling with boundaries and are not sure where to start or how to enforce them, we have a course called Love Over Boundaries created just for women who love an alcoholic or someone suffering with addiction.

It's not uncommon for the ones we love who are struggling with addiction to have an affair. This disease makes good men and women do awful, hurtful things.

So if you have been a victim of infidelity, my heart can relate. We are sisters. And it's devastating. Your heart feels like it's physically in pain and it takes your breath away in random moments throughout the day - like when you're doing the dishes or reading a book.

After my ex-husband cheated I felt dirty and used. How could he? Isn't the fact that I am still with him enough? I am sticking by his side while he drinks himself to death and continually breaks promises to get better. Doesn't that count for something?

But the really scary part? When we find out they are cheating and we still want them back.

You judge yourself for needing them. Shouldn't this be my breaking point? Any "normal" woman would kick them out of the house and never want to see them again. But you feel the opposite. You feel like you want them close. So close.

You want them to confess their mistake, show you how awful they feel about it, and then spend the next several years proving to you how much they love you.

Yeah, I've been there.

So here's what to do:

1. Don't judge yourself. Your reaction is acceptable. You had your heart broken. Your world was crushed. Be kind to yourself. If you want to yell, fine. If you want to cry, fine. Maybe you want to deny, fine. It's all fine. Just get through the day. Say how you feel and make it until bedtime. If you feel something different tomorrow, that's okay. You can change your mind and your feelings a thousand times over. This is new, so give yourself grace.

2. Don't make a decision to leave or stay until you have really processed. You need to work through this. If you want to temporarily kick him out because you need to be alone with your feelings, do it. If you want to hold him close and ask why, that works too. Just keep going back to forgiveness for yourself.

Oh and one more very important thing…

This was NOT your fault. None of it. This is NOT about the fact that you are not putting more effort into your hair or hitting the gym. It's NOT about the fact that you nag him or her or that they think you can't have any fun because you're not partying.

This is all about the disease. It's just that simple. So any kind of blame or shame you're feeling? You can give that right back to the disease.

Kindness and gentleness and self-love. That's what it's about right now.

P.S. If you're feeling alone and not sure what to do, I am personally extending you an invitation to join me in one of our programs. We can walk through this together. You don't have to do this alone.

Several years ago, my dad took my brother and me on a trip to Paris. We went to the Louvre one afternoon and we paid extra money for headsets that you can wear while walking around the museum. The headsets tell you about each picture and the artist.

It was stunning. There were so many beautiful pieces of artwork that I didn't know where to lay my eyes. My brother and I just walked from hallway to hallway, overwhelmed by all of the beauty that these artists were able to create.

But there was one hallway in particular that was filled with tourists who were waiting in a long line to enter a room with a very special painting. This painting is considered a masterpiece. I can't tell you specifically what makes one painting a masterpiece and one painting just a regular painting.

But this piece of art was so beautiful and so perfect that dozens of people were in line in order to just get a glimpse of it.

Each detail had been carefully painted. Every stroke of the paintbrush was intentional and well-planned and thought out. You could tell the artist spent many, many hundreds of hours thinking over and working on this masterpiece.

This morning I woke up and opened my Bible looking for some sort of inspiration because I was feeling overwhelmed. We were getting ready to go on a trip and I had not packed. Instead of feeling grateful for being able to travel with my family, I was feeling overwhelmed and anxious about getting everything in order for while we were gone.

So when I came across a verse, it reminded me of that painting in the Louvre.

I learned that I'm a masterpiece. That God put as much effort into me as that artist had put into their painting. That's what makes me beautiful. And, like most people, I sometimes have a hard time believing that.

It's not that I doubt God - it's that I doubt myself.

I believe lots of people are considered God's masterpieces. But I'm not one of them. I am ridiculously flawed and have dirty dishes in the sink. I can't seem to find a balance between working and parenting. I criticize my husband for stupid things. It truly is ridiculous. So I am clearly not a masterpiece.

But the more that I thought about this, the more it made me feel uncomfortable that I was not believing God's word was true. Would He really make somebody who's not a masterpiece?

If He makes all of us, I am criticizing God's work when I criticize myself.

You are His masterpiece too. And it's time that we start believing that.

I love you dearly. Let's be masterpieces together.

P.S. If you're feeling lonely or lost and not sure what to do that will help the special someone in your life who has this awful disease please click here to join one of our courses. You will find the perfect tools you need to change your relationship and meet hundreds of women just like you.

It's not "normal" to love someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction, so we can't use "normal" relationship tools. There are common mistakes that we make when we're trying to help that might not actually be helpful at all.

Here's a brief list of 7 mistakes you might be making: 1. You keep track of your partner's drinking.

If you tell your partner not to drink in the house, he or she will just find another location. If you throw out their liquor, they will spend more money replacing it. You have no control over his or her consumption of anything they put into their body.

2. You lecture him or her.

No matter how much you threaten your loved one, it won't change his or her behavior. Show them the consequences of their behavior with your actions, NOT your words.

3. You say mean things about them to your kids.

This is a major no-no. Your children need to feel safe. They have the right to form their own opinion about your loved one, not just inherit yours.

4. You look up recovery information for him or her.

That is not your job. Their sobriety will never last if the idea is coming from you. Don't drive him or her to meetings, buy books, or set up appointments.

5. You place your life on hold to focus on their issues.

Don't. Your dreams are important. Focus on your purpose. You were made with a gift. Are you using that special gift? When you do, it will fill you with such a great joy and that will start replacing the pain. Your life will be lived with purpose.

6. You believe the lies.

You are smart. You're valuable. You are beautiful and you are kind. And anyone that tells you anything else is not someone you need to be listening to. Surround yourself with people who love you and create distance from those who don't.

7. You beat yourself up for not leaving them.

You know he or she can be awful. But you are smart enough to know that they are sick. And they're not all bad all the time. If you still love him or her and leaving is not a choice that you would like to make today or maybe any time in the future, that's okay. Let yourself stay committed to this relationship. Just make sure you're equally committed to your own healing and recovery.

We go into way more detail about these mistakes plus teach you three of the most powerful tools that will take you from feeling scared about your future to gaining confidence about your decisions and giving you great hope in the Love Over Mistakes program. If answers, hope, and confidence are things you're looking for, join us for as little as $25.00 a month.

Loving someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction can feel like your relationship is a roller coaster. One day your partner is loving and kind and the next moment they are sick and angry. It can be a lot. Does that mean you are helpless? No way.

Here are 5 tips to show this disease that you are not powerless. 1. Put on some great music.

Maybe it's classical, pop, or worship music. Whatever your choice, just turn it on and crank up the volume. And then - here's the secret - dance! When life gets a little too serious around my house, I put on some Justin Timberlake, call the kids into the room, and we have a dance party. If it's dark outside we turn off all the lights and take out the emergency flashlights and dance in the dark with beams of lights flashing everywhere. It's a great way to let it all go, burn some calories, and laugh. Everyone gets to pick one or two songs. Dancing while standing on the coffee table or couch is totally encouraged. If anyone starts dancing in a bad mood, by the third song they are all giggles and joy!

2. Surround yourself with great food.

Make a trip to the store, meet a friend at your favorite restaurant, or cook a recipe from a good cookbook. Warm chocolate chip cookies, a green smoothie, or a gooey pizza can change the course of your day. Leave bowls of healthy nuts on the kitchen table and arrange some fresh apples and pears by your fridge. Research the best brownie recipe you can find and make a batch for you and one for your neighbors.

Food heals, so enjoy it and take precious care of your body and what you put in it. Here's one of my favorite comfort food recipes for bolognese.

3. Pray.

Get on some cozy yoga pants and a soft t-shirt. Grab your Bible and have a seat in the most comfortable chair and spend some time with the one who promises to bring you joy when you worship Him (Psalm 16:18). Grab a bottled water and a warm cup of something delicious. Take some time out of your busy day to find hope and direction. Meditate. If you're not sure how to start, here's two great articles with some simple directions:

How to Meditate Meditation: Learning to Think of God

4. Get out of the house and walk or run.

Put on a great podcast (have you tried the Wife of an Alcoholic podcast?) and fill your mind with inspiration. Just thirty minutes a day will do wonders for your spirit and body. When I am walking, I try to look around at all the beauty surrounding me.

I look at the architecture of homes I'm passing, the beauty of the trees, the smile of a child riding by on her bike. I try to fill my heart by taking my eyes off my problems and reminding myself of all the goodness surrounding me.

5. Clean.

Sometimes when we feel out of control on the inside, we need to clean on the outside. Simplify your life by throwing away 25 things a day for a week. That sounds like a lot, doesn't it? You would be amazed at how much junk you have been storing. Is that junk serving a purpose other than cluttering up your life?

Organize your closets. Get rid of all the "stuff" in your home that's not giving you joy and is instead weighing you down. If 25 things doesn't sound possible, start with 5. Walk around with a big trash bag and have the courage to say, "I don't need this anymore, so I am removing it from my life." Be decisive. It's a great habit to get into. From that point on, for every one thing you bring into your life, give away something else. There is only so much room in our homes and we should not fill it with stuff we will never use.

Marie Kondo, the author of The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, says it perfectly in her book:

"We come up with all kinds of reasons for not discarding things, such as 'I didn't use this particular pot all year, but who knows, I might need it sometime.' But when we really delve into the reasons for why we can't let something go, there are only two: an attachment to the past or a fear of the future."

It's time to face your past and get excited about your future by taking inventory of your possessions and making the difficult life-changing decisions of letting things go.

If you found this helpful,we have 3 courses that could change your life (and your relationship with your loved one who drinks too much) PLUS a Secret Facebook Group filled with women just like you (so you will never feel lonely again). Click here to learn more.

When I was married to an alcoholic and substance abuser, I stopped taking care of myself and became consumed with taking care of him.

Slowly, the things that I enjoyed doing the most took a back seat.

My day job became a real distraction to my other job of trying to keep him sober.

I was so uncomfortable living with addiction that I found comfort in food. Candy bars, brownies, pasta - they all gave temporary feelings of happiness (that were followed by feelings of shame).

And my kids... my poor kids. They really only got half my attention because in the back of my mind I was always worried their dad was never going to become the man I knew they deserved.

And then the day came when I realized I needed to leave my marriage. Living like this was no longer possible. I was convinced that I had to take my three young kids and go. I talk a lot more about this moment in the programs that we offer.

If you love him and don't want to leave, or if you're thinking you're not sure how much more of this you can take… I have good news.

You don't need to make up our mind to leave or stay right now.

What you need to do is start taking care of yourself again (or for some of you, for the first time).

You need to get up in the morning and do a good job of making an effort to look your best (because chances are, then you'll feel your best). Take a warm shower with great smelling soap, wear your nice clothes, put on some moisturizer.

Make some time to go for a walk every day. Even if it's just around the block. Start putting food in your body that will help it thrive and feel good.

Do you enjoy painting, gardening, coffee with friends? Do more of that. Get out of the house and have some fun. Ride a roller coaster, take a class, go to the movies or the library.

A year before the moment I decided to leave, I started taking care of myself again.

I enrolled in a local pottery class. I loved pottery in high school, so every week I would drive into town and have an hour to enjoy making art. As soon as I walked out of the door to my home, I closed the door to dysfunction. I was making a healthier choice.

It's okay for you to take time every day for yourself. You're not going to get permission from the people around you. Give yourself permission and make it happen.

You can do it. I know you can.

Joining one of our programs is giving yourself permission to create a better future for you and the ones you love. Click here to learn about our three life-changing programs. They are online and confidential.

I thought I would make you a video about one of my most favorite topics to discuss: the struggles of the secrecy that comes hand-in-hand with addiction.

Do you wonder if you should tell anyone about your family disease?

Is there someone you want to confide in but you're not sure how to tell them what's really going on in your home?

Are you feeling lonely and isolated because you've lost most of your friendships?

I discuss all that in this video. The struggle to keep this disease a secret is real. Together we can help break the stigma of addiction. This disease happens to good men and women and it's not something we should feel ashamed about.

I adore you. We are in this together.

So here's the deal…. for years I have been sending you letters and recording podcasts of encouragement and love (with some helpful tips) because I think of you all the time. Seriously. Every. Day.

And I have grown to love you. So, as your loving friend, I would like to give you a kind nudge and ask you this:

If you have not joined the programs...what are you waiting for?

Because I know you so well, I have an idea why you're not joining me, but I won't go into that right now. Instead, I will list some of the reasons you SHOULD join us:

1. If the one you love doesn't get sober, you STILL need to recover.
2. If they do get sober, you could send them back into relapse if you don't start your own program and learn how to deal with all the past yuck.
3. You have been so focused on trying to get them sober, you have forgotten about learning the tools to take care of yourself.
4. You need tools. This disease is not normal, so normal "techniques" that work in "typical" marriages don't work.
5. If you're thinking about leaving or staying, work your program first before you decide.

There are a dozen more reasons why joining our programs could be the BEST thing you've done for yourself. So please... take the leap of faith and make yourself and your feelings important.

This is the place to find encouragement and love. This is where the healing begins

You can do this! I am right here beside you reminding you – even in the worst of times – you're not alone. I know how you feel. Put your healing first by joining one of our programs and see how much different your life will be.