Love Over Addiction

Do you feel beaten down? Like you don’t recognize yourself anymore while loving someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction? This disease does a really good job trying to convince us that we are helpless.

But that’s a lie. There are many things you can do to help your relationship and give him a better chance of sobriety

One of the best ways to help is by learning the most common mistakes you might be making when loving an alcoholic or substance abuser.

Click here for a free training video where I walk you through each one of these steps. You don't want to miss it (and you will love the helpful - and beautiful - slides in the video). Plus, it's under five minutes - because I know you're busy.

Here are seven mistakes you may be making:

1. Keeping track of your loved one's drinking. If you tell him or her not to drink in the house, they will just find another place to drink. If you throw away the liquor, they will just spend more money replacing it. You have no control over anything your partner chooses to put into his body.

2. Lecturing your partner. No matter how much you threaten, it won't change their behavior. Set boundaries and give consequences for his or her behavior with your actions, not with words.

3. Speaking negatively about your loved one to your children. This is a major no-no. Your children need to feel safe. They deserve to form their own opinion about their parent, not inherit yours.

4. Researching recovery information. This is not your job. Your partner's sobriety will never last if the idea is coming from you. Don't drive him or her to meetings, purchase books, or set up appointments for them.

5. Placing your life on hold to focus on your loved one's issues. Don't. Your dreams are important. Focus on your purpose, not theirs.

6. Believing the hurtful lies. You are smart. You are valuable. You are beautiful and kind. Anyone that tells you anything else is not someone you need to be listening to.

7. Not forgiving yourself for staying with your partner. You know he or she can be awful, but you are smart enough to know they are sick. You love them, so you are choosing to stay. You reserve the right to change your mind tomorrow.

So, my sweet reader - what mistake do you struggle with? Or are you like me and make them all?

If you’re ready to make your healing as important as your partner’s sobriety – we are waiting for you. Our programs are online, confidential, and you have lifetime access – so you can do them at your own pace.

For years, I thought I had an idea of what a boundary was. I even thought I was implementing them in my home and my relationships.

But it turns out, I was wrong. Boundaries can be really confusing and I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did. So, today I am going to give you a big picture idea of what a boundary is.

Imagine yourself walking along the beach and you find a stick. You take that stick and draw a big long line across the sand.

Boundaries are lines in the sand that tell others, "I'm not willing to cross this line. This is as far as I will go."

"You can walk next to me, but there is a point I will need to stop. And when we reach it, I would love for you to respect me and stay with me, but if you must step over my line, you will need to do it alone."

"I will no longer be walking with you. I might be waiting for you if you decide to come back and join me. And I may miss you, or I may miss only parts of you. But I will not cross this line."

My line in the sand is for my protection.

It took me years to figure out where this line should be drawn.

I have said, "Yes, I will marry you," when I really meant, "No, get sober first and then I will wear your ring."

I woke up the kids to bail you out of jail when I should have left you there to get sober.

I've turned down the invitation to attend the funeral of a high school friend so I could keep an eye on how many bottles you were consuming.

I lied for you over and over to strangers and family.

I convinced myself that if you're just smoking pot that it's better than alcohol or cocaine.

I kept justifying away the boundaries I knew I needed. I didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I didn't want to upset anyone. It seemed easier to just ignore that feeling inside me that was saying, "This isn't okay, Michelle."

I know you have gone through painful times. You might be in a great deal of pain right now. So, please... use my rich history of pain to reflect and ask yourself, "Where are your boundaries being compromised?"

Now that I am older and wiser, I respect my line. I honor it and cherish my boundaries. I publicly acknowledge them and I will not hide them.

Boundaries serve me and protect me.

What is your line? Have you looked for a stick on that beach you've been walking along and had the courage to make that line long and clear and deep? Or is your line little and easily erased when someone steps on it during their journey?

If you want to learn more about boundaries, join me in our new program called Love Over Boundaries.

You'll complete the program with two major accomplishments:

1. You will define your personal boundaries
2. You will have the conviction and courage to enforce them

This is the perfect program to take after you've completed the Love Over Addiction program or the Love Over Mistakes program.

Boundaries are necessary skills for all women to master, whether you're in love with a man or woman who drinks too much or suffers from substance abuse or not.

Boundaries can help improve your relationship with your children and friends as well as improve your physical and spiritual health.

Seriously... mastering the skill of setting and keeping healthy boundaries might be the best thing you've done for yourself.

Check out the program here and join me and hundreds of other women. You don't need to do this alone. We will be there to encourage you, to challenge you and to cheer you on every step of the way.

For years, I thought I had an idea of what a boundary was. I even thought I was implementing them in my home and my relationships.  

But it turns out, I was wrong. Boundaries can be really confusing and I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did. So, today I am going to give you a big picture idea of what a boundary is.

Imagine yourself walking along the beach and you find a stick. You take that stick and draw a big long line across the sand.  

Boundaries are lines in the sand that tell others, “I’m not willing to cross this line. This is as far as I will go."

"You can walk next to me, but there is a point I will need to stop. And when we reach it, I would love for you to respect me and stay with me, but if you must step over my line, you will need to do it alone."

"I will no longer be walking with you. I might be waiting for you if you decide to come back and join me.  And I may miss you, or I may miss only parts of you. But I will not cross this line.”

My line in the sand is for my protection.

It took me years to figure out where this line should be drawn.  

I have said, "Yes, I will marry you," when I really meant, "No, get sober first and then I will wear your ring."

I woke up the kids to bail you out of jail when I should have left you there to get sober.

I've turned down the invitation to attend the funeral of a high school friend so I could keep an eye on how many bottles you were consuming.

I lied for you over and over to strangers and family.

I convinced myself that if you’re just smoking pot that it's better than alcohol or cocaine.

I kept justifying away the boundaries I knew I needed. I didn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I didn’t want to upset anyone. It seemed easier to just ignore that feeling inside me that was saying, “This isn’t okay, Michelle."

I know you have gone through painful times. You might be in a great deal of pain right now. So, please... use my rich history of pain to reflect and ask yourself, "Where are your boundaries being compromised?"

Now that I am older and wiser, I respect my line. I honor it and cherish my boundaries. I publicly acknowledge them and I will not hide them.  

Boundaries serve me and protect me.  

What is your line? Have you looked for a stick on that beach you’ve been walking along and had the courage to make that line long and clear and deep? Or is your line little and easily erased when someone steps on it during their journey?

If you want to learn more about boundaries, join me in our new program called Love Over Boundaries.

You'll complete the program with two major accomplishments:

1. You will define your personal boundaries
2. You will have the conviction and courage to enforce them

This is the perfect program to take after you’ve completed the Love Over Addiction program or the Love Over Mistakes program.

Boundaries are necessary skills for all women to master, whether you're in love with a man or woman who drinks too much or suffers from substance abuse or not.

Boundaries can help improve your relationship with your children and friends as well as improve your physical and spiritual health.  

Seriously... mastering the skill of setting and keeping healthy boundaries might be the best thing you’ve done for yourself.

Check out the program here and join me and hundreds of other women.  You don’t need to do this alone. We will be there to encourage you, to challenge you and to cheer you on every step of the way.

The holidays are usually so difficult when you love someone who drinks too much or suffers with substance abuse.

While everyone is excited to celebrate, attending all the holiday parties, and planning for a perfect celebration, somewhere in the back of your mind you're just worried how much your partner is going to drink.

You're feeling anxious that he or she won't be able to hold it together. You may feel like you're walking on eggshells and waiting for the moment you smell alcohol on their breath.

Or perhaps you're just hoping and praying you won't be receiving a phone call or text message telling you he or she is going to be coming home late.

So instead of spending your time worrying, I want you to have a wonderful holiday if your partner drinks or not (yes, it's possible).

I'm going to share a few helpful tips about boundaries that will help you celebrate this holiday season with a full heart and a deep gratitude.

I know we spoke about boundaries last week, but I want to really cover the basics because if you don't fully understand what boundaries you need in your life, you will stay stuck in your recovery. You need to master this skill if you decide to leave your partner or stay together.

Boundaries are one of the keys to YOUR recovery.

What would make you happy this holiday season? Is there a special meal you like to cook? Do you want to get all your present shopping done early? Do you have a tradition you love? Is there an opportunity for you to serve or help someone else in need that brings joy to your heart?

Make a list of things you would like to do this season that make you feel warm inside.

After you've made your list, go to your calendar and make time to do each one. Move things around and cancel events or commitments if you have too. Give yourself at least one thing to look forward to every week (and make sure they are activities not dependent on your partner's sobriety).

By managing your calendar and making time for the things that bring you joy, you're setting a healthy boundary that your self-care is important. You're choosing joy. You're controlling your time rather than letting people or demands manage your time for you.

Now, think back to your last holiday… was there anything you did that drained you?

Something you committed to that was just too much or that caused you a lot of stress?

Alright… now promise me you're not going to do that again. Your time is precious and if it doesn't fill you up, you're not meant to do it. I'm not saying you shouldn't serve. You should just serve in the area that lights you up.

Perhaps you like to organize? This holiday season volunteer to organize your church's supply closet. Or maybe you have an elderly neighbor who would love a home cooked meal and you love cooking.

When you serve using your gifts it fills you back up. It's the exact opposite of feeling drained by doing something you don't really like to do just to make other people happy.

If you practice these two simple boundaries (learning to make time on your calendar for you and serving only in the areas that bring you joy), you've just created amazing boundaries around your time.

You've made space for the things you love by removing the things you don't.

I hope these two boundaries have helped you realize that you can make time to have wonderful holiday moments every week regardless if he or she is acting up or not.

If you're ready to start creating your own personal boundaries for your life and learn how to implement them, I have created a new program just in time for the holidays called Love Over Boundaries. You can click here to check it out.

The holidays are usually so difficult when you love someone who drinks too much or suffers with substance abuse.

While everyone is excited to celebrate, attending all the holiday parties, and planning for a perfect celebration, somewhere in the back of your mind you’re just worried how much your partner is going to drink.

You’re feeling anxious that he or she won’t be able to hold it together. You may feel like you’re walking on eggshells and waiting for the moment you smell alcohol on their breath.

Or perhaps you’re just hoping and praying you won’t be receiving a phone call or text message telling you he or she is going to be coming home late.

So instead of spending your time worrying, I want you to have a wonderful holiday if your partner drinks or not (yes, it’s possible).

I’m going to share a few helpful tips about boundaries that will help you celebrate this holiday season with a full heart and a deep gratitude.

I know we spoke about boundaries last week, but I want to really cover the basics because if you don’t fully understand what boundaries you need in your life, you will stay stuck in your recovery. You need to master this skill if you decide to leave your partner or stay together.

Boundaries are one of the keys to YOUR recovery.

What would make you happy this holiday season? Is there a special meal you like to cook? Do you want to get all your present shopping done early? Do you have a tradition you love? Is there an opportunity for you to serve or help someone else in need that brings joy to your heart?

Make a list of things you would like to do this season that make you feel warm inside.

After you’ve made your list, go to your calendar and make time to do each one. Move things around and cancel events or commitments if you have too. Give yourself at least one thing to look forward to every week (and make sure they are activities not dependent on your partner's sobriety).

By managing your calendar and making time for the things that bring you joy, you’re setting a healthy boundary that your self-care is important. You’re choosing joy. You’re controlling your time rather than letting people or demands manage your time for you.

Now, think back to your last holiday… was there anything you did that drained you?

Something you committed to that was just too much or that caused you a lot of stress?

Alright… now promise me you’re not going to do that again. Your time is precious and if it doesn’t fill you up, you’re not meant to do it. I’m not saying you shouldn’t serve. You should just serve in the area that lights you up.

Perhaps you like to organize? This holiday season volunteer to organize your church’s supply closet. Or maybe you have an elderly neighbor who would love a home cooked meal and you love cooking.

When you serve using your gifts it fills you back up. It’s the exact opposite of feeling drained by doing something you don’t really like to do just to make other people happy.

If you practice these two simple boundaries (learning to make time on your calendar for you and serving only in the areas that bring you joy), you’ve just created amazing boundaries around your time.

You’ve made space for the things you love by removing the things you don’t.

I hope these two boundaries have helped you realize that you can make time to have wonderful holiday moments every week regardless if he or she is acting up or not.

If you’re ready to start creating your own personal boundaries for your life and learn how to implement them, I have created a new program just in time for the holidays called Love Over Boundaries.  You can click here to check it out.

Let me ask you a question… do you have boundaries in your life?

Let's get even more basic than that…. do you know what a good boundary is?

Having a good, healthy boundaries in place versus poor, unrealistic boundaries can make all the difference in your personal, spiritual, and physical growth.

So, you know having boundaries are important, right? But we're not quite sure what they are?

Just the idea of boundaries can be scary. Usually, because we don't want anyone being mad at us and we don't want to rock the boat.

But let me tell you, my sweet and wonderful friend - you can't go through life feeling the kind of self-love and self-respect that God has intended you to feel until you get some good healthy boundaries.

ALL the tools in the world will not help if you don't define, own, and state your protective line in the sand.

Do you need help with your boundaries?

Let's start off with the basics first:

Boundaries are all about defining what is okay and what's not okay with our personal behavior and how we choose to react to other people's behavior.

We are responsible for defining and defending our own personal boundaries by respecting ourselves first, and that allows us to respect others.

To keep it simple: boundaries help us respect our hearts. They are not about trying to control other people's actions.

Here's an example of a poor boundary: "I will not allow my partner to be rude and unkind to me."

The truth is, you can't control if he or she is rude or unkind. You can't place this boundary on someone else. Your partner is going to say what they want to. If you're telling him or her that they can't be rude, you're trying to control another person's choices.

You might be thinking, "Yeah, but, Michelle... they're being unkind. Do I just have to stand there and take it?"

And I would tell you that you're smart enough to know you can't control the way someone treats you.

You can only set a boundary in place about how you're going to respond to that behavior.

You don't have to take verbal abuse from anyone. And that's where your boundary comes in.

Boundaries serve as your protection.

So instead of saying, "I will not allow him or her to be rude and unkind to me," your healthy boundary can be:

"I will not tolerate rudeness or verbal abuse. If my partner is being abusive or disrespectful, I will leave the room, delete the text, or politely hang up the phone."

There are dozens of other healthy boundaries you should have for your life and if you'd like to learn more, I've just opened up enrollment for a new program called Love Over Boundaries.

If you don't have good boundaries, I can guarantee your relationships are suffering.

Setting and keeping boundaries is a necessary skill for all women, not just ones in relationships with men or women who drink too much or suffer from substance abuse.

In the Love Over Boundaries program, you will complete the program with two major accomplishments:

1. You will have defined your boundaries
2. You will have the conviction and courage to enforce them

I hope you'll join me in this new program.

Let me ask you a question… do you have boundaries in your life?

Let’s get even more basic than that…. do you know what a good boundary is?

Having a good, healthy boundaries in place versus poor, unrealistic boundaries can make all the difference in your personal, spiritual, and physical growth.

So, you know having boundaries are important, right? But we’re not quite sure what they are?

Just the idea of boundaries can be scary. Usually, because we don’t want anyone being mad at us and we don’t want to rock the boat.

But let me tell you, my sweet and wonderful friend - you can’t go through life feeling the kind of self-love and self-respect that God has intended you to feel until you get some good healthy boundaries.

ALL the tools in the world will not help if you don't define, own, and state your protective line in the sand.

Do you need help with your boundaries?

Let’s start off with the basics first:

Boundaries are all about defining what is okay and what’s not okay with our personal behavior and how we choose to react to other people’s behavior.

We are responsible for defining and defending our own personal boundaries by respecting ourselves first, and that allows us to respect others.

To keep it simple: boundaries help us respect our hearts. They are not about trying to control other people's actions.

Here’s an example of a poor boundary: "I will not allow my partner to be rude and unkind to me."

The truth is, you can’t control if he or she is rude or unkind. You can’t place this boundary on someone else. Your partner is going to say what they want to. If you’re telling him or her that they can’t be rude, you’re trying to control another person's choices.

You might be thinking, “Yeah, but, Michelle... they're being unkind. Do I just have to stand there and take it?”

And I would tell you that you’re smart enough to know you can’t control the way someone treats you.

You can only set a boundary in place about how you’re going to respond to that behavior.

You don’t have to take verbal abuse from anyone. And that’s where your boundary comes in.

Boundaries serve as your protection.

So instead of saying, "I will not allow him or her to be rude and unkind to me," your healthy boundary can be:

"I will not tolerate rudeness or verbal abuse. If my partner is being abusive or disrespectful, I will leave the room, delete the text, or politely hang up the phone."

There are dozens of other healthy boundaries you should have for your life and if you’d like to learn more, I’ve just opened up enrollment for a new program called Love Over Boundaries.

If you don’t have good boundaries, I can guarantee your relationships are suffering.

Setting and keeping boundaries is a necessary skill for all women, not just ones in relationships with men or women who drink too much or suffer from substance abuse.

In the Love Over Boundaries program, you will complete the program with two major accomplishments:

1. You will have defined your boundaries
2. You will have the conviction and courage to enforce them

I hope you'll join me in this new program.

The other day I got an email from a loving woman who has been a member of our community for years. She is in love with a man who drinks too much and suffers from addiction.

This is what she wrote me:

I used to read your blogs and they would make me angry.

Not at you, but I kept thinking, "Why won't he change? I give him everything. I pray, I plead, I'm loving him through it.

But now your emails don't make me upset or angry!

I read them and say, "Oh, I get it! It's not me! I'm okay!

I was talking with my therapist about this and he said, "Tell Michelle that she should write a blog post for women and remind that that if her advice makes them angry or upset, they've got work to do."

You do great work and have an amazing blog! Thank you for being open about the reality of addiction and helping so many!

I am going to take the advice of her very wise therapist.

If you have ever read my words and feel defensive or if you feel you've tried all the advice and nothing is getting your partner sober and you feel just like my sweet friend who wrote me - you're missing the point.

Getting him sober is not the result we're going for. It might be a great benefit to the teachings, but it's not our goal.

I built this community five years ago to help with YOUR transformation. To help you go from feeling never good enough to feeling courageous, strong, and secure.

You can become a woman who is decisive in her decisions, who has confidence in herself and the path God is leading her down. You can step out of your comfort zone and make real life changes that allow you to be the woman God created you to be.

You can get out of the disruptive hold this disease places on your tender heart and bloom into that woman you know deep down inside you really are meant to be.

That's what our Love Over Addiction program will do. That's what our Love Over Mistakes program will do. And that's the entire point of this community.

And if your loved one gets sober as a result of you getting stronger and happier - amazing! But it's not about him or her. It never was and it never will be.

All the time and money and teamwork that goes into building this community is a gift for you. It's only for you - not your partner.

It's your time to be pulled up from under this rock and shine. It's your turn to feel like the amazing masterpiece that God already thinks you are.

I believe in you and I love you. Really and truly.

If you're ready, I would love for you to join one of our programs. They are just 25 dollars a month - the cost of a case of beer. Your healing is worth that much, don't you think?

The other day I got an email from a loving woman who has been a member of our community for years. She is in love with a man who drinks too much and suffers from addiction.

This is what she wrote me:

I used to read your blogs and they would make me angry.

Not at you, but I kept thinking, "Why won't he change? I give him everything. I pray, I plead, I'm loving him through it.  

But now your emails don't make me upset or angry!

I read them and say, "Oh, I get it! It's not me! I'm okay!

I was talking with my therapist about this and he said, "Tell Michelle that she should write a blog post for women and remind that that if her advice makes them angry or upset, they’ve got work to do."

You do great work and have an amazing blog! Thank you for being open about the reality of addiction and helping so many!

I am going to take the advice of her very wise therapist.

If you have ever read my words and feel defensive or if you feel you’ve tried all the advice and nothing is getting your partner sober and you feel just like my sweet friend who wrote me - you're missing the point.

Getting him sober is not the result we’re going for. It might be a great benefit to the teachings, but it’s not our goal.

I built this community five years ago to help with YOUR transformation. To help you go from feeling never good enough to feeling courageous, strong, and secure.

You can become a woman who is decisive in her decisions, who has confidence in herself and the path God is leading her down. You can step out of your comfort zone and make real life changes that allow you to be the woman God created you to be.

You can get out of the disruptive hold this disease places on your tender heart and bloom into that woman you know deep down inside you really are meant to be.

That’s what our Love Over Addiction program will do. That’s what our Love Over Mistakes program will do. And that’s the entire point of this community.

And if your loved one gets sober as a result of you getting stronger and happier - amazing! But it’s not about him or her. It never was and it never will be.

All the time and money and teamwork that goes into building this community is a gift for you. It’s only for you - not your partner.

It’s your time to be pulled up from under this rock and shine. It’s your turn to feel like the amazing masterpiece that God already thinks you are.

I believe in you and I love you. Really and truly.

If you’re ready, I would love for you to join one of our programs.  They are just 25 dollars a month - the cost of a case of beer. Your healing is worth that much, don't you think?

Loving someone who drinks too much or suffers from substance abuse can be really difficult. No one prepares you for how to handle the lying, the denial, or the feelings of of hopelessness.

What you think should work, doesn't. So you're left not really knowing what to do.

Your best doesn't seem to be helping him or her get sober.

That's why you need some direction. A clear path that will teach you exactly what to do and what not to.

You might be thinking you're helping, but you could actually be hurting your partner. What feels like a loving thing to do might actually be enabling.

How do you know if you're helping or hurting the person you love?

You start your own program.

If you loved a man or woman with cancer, you would go to an expert who would teach you how to care for them.

But what experts sometimes forget to tell us that it's equally important for us to care for ourselves while living with someone who is sick.

And that's the mistake that we're going to talk about today.

So often we get completely wrapped up in our loved one's illness that we neglect ourselves, our healing, and our recovery.

We put off taking care of ourselves and feeding our souls because we're constantly worried that if we take the focus off of our partner, they won't get better.

But can I tell you that's just your attempt to control?

And you don't have any control over this disease. The only thing you can control is how you choose to react to his or her illness.

When you make the same mistakes over and over it can make you feel crazy. Because you're making the same mistakes over and over and expecting different results.

For example: let's say your loved one promises they're not going to drink this weekend, but you suspect they are.

So what do you do?

You go looking through the house or garage trying to find empty bottles. You're trying to prove that he or she is lying to you. You want to bust them and catch their dishonestly.

But why?

You don't need to prove it to them or yourself. Let it go. Don't make a big deal about it and don't go looking through the house on a hunt to discover the "evidence."

Take a deep breath. Remind yourself that you're not crazy. He or she probably is drinking or up to no good.

But you're not going to keep making the same mistake of trying to find proof that he's been drinking again.

You're done with that behavior.

Your time is valuable and you already know you're probably right.

You're a smart woman. You know when your partner has been drinking or using drugs. You can usually tell from the way they say "hello" when they answers your call. Trust your instincts.

I know you can do this. I believe in you.

If you found this helpful and want to learn more, the Love Over Mistakes program will answer questions like:

"Can I ever talk to my partner about his or her bad habits?"

"What do I tell my children about their father or mother's drinking?"

"How can I start to feel better?"

And if you're a mother of a child who is addicted to drugs or alcohol, this program is for you too (so please pass this resource on to all the wonderful and loving moms who are in pain because their child suffers from addiction).

I hope to meet you in the Love Over Mistakes program. Click here for more details.