Love Over Addiction

Loving someone who drinks too much or suffers from substance abuse can be really difficult. No one prepares you for how to handle the lying, the denial, or the feelings of of hopelessness.

What you think should work, doesn't. So you’re left not really knowing what to do.

Your best doesn't seem to be helping him or her get sober.

That’s why you need some direction. A clear path that will teach you exactly what to do and what not to.

You might be thinking you’re helping, but you could actually be hurting your partner. What feels like a loving thing to do might actually be enabling.

How do you know if you’re helping or hurting the person you love?

You start your own program.

If you loved a man or woman with cancer, you would go to an expert who would teach you how to care for them.

But what experts sometimes forget to tell us that it’s equally important for us to care for ourselves while living with someone who is sick.

And that’s the mistake that we’re going to talk about today.

So often we get completely wrapped up in our loved one's illness that we neglect ourselves, our healing, and our recovery.

We put off taking care of ourselves and feeding our souls because we’re constantly worried that if we take the focus off of our partner, they won’t get better.

But can I tell you that’s just your attempt to control?

And you don’t have any control over this disease. The only thing you can control is how you choose to react to his or her illness.

When you make the same mistakes over and over it can make you feel crazy. Because you’re making the same mistakes over and over and expecting different results.

For example: let’s say your loved one promises they're not going to drink this weekend, but you suspect they are.

So what do you do?

You go looking through the house or garage trying to find empty bottles. You’re trying to prove that he or she is lying to you. You want to bust them and catch their dishonestly.

But why?

You don’t need to prove it to them or yourself. Let it go. Don’t make a big deal about it and don’t go looking through the house on a hunt to discover the “evidence."

Take a deep breath. Remind yourself that you’re not crazy. He or she probably is drinking or up to no good.

But you’re not going to keep making the same mistake of trying to find proof that he’s been drinking again.

You’re done with that behavior.

Your time is valuable and you already know you're probably right.

You’re a smart woman. You know when your partner has been drinking or using drugs. You can usually tell from the way they say “hello” when they answers your call. Trust your instincts.

I know you can do this. I believe in you.

If you found this helpful and want to learn more, the Love Over Mistakes program will answer questions like:

“Can I ever talk to my partner about his or her bad habits?”

“What do I tell my children about their father or mother's drinking?”

“How can I start to feel better?”

And if you’re a mother of a child who is addicted to drugs or alcohol, this program is for you too (so please pass this resource on to all the wonderful and loving moms who are in pain because their child suffers from addiction).

I hope to meet you in the Love Over Mistakes program. Click here for more details.

It's normal to feel angry when your partner lies to you about how much he or she had to drink or if they've taken drugs.

It's normal to feel angry after your loved one promised you they'll stop and then you find out they've started his or her bad habits again.

It's normal to feel angry even after your partner is sober at all the pain and distrust you're still trying to work though.

It's okay to feel anger.

Instead of beating yourself up about it or - even worse - letting your anger eat away at you, here are three helpful tips on how to deal with your anger.

1. Don't yell or try to have a discussion when you're angry.

Put yourself in time out.

I know one mom who used to hide herself under a blanket. She had little kids, so she couldn't leave the room, but she would just go into her own little world under a blanket and take deep breaths. She would read her Bible or listen to music or pray.

Whatever it takes, do it. I used to walk away and lock myself in the bathroom. If I could, I would draw a warm bubble bath, put on some good music, and think about all the wonderful things I'm grateful for. I refused to let this disease bring me down.

2. Don't own your partner's hurtful words.

Let him or her have the last word and "think" that they've won. If he or she starts giving you excuses or blaming you and you can't walk away, just keep your mouth shut.

You can't argue with them when he or she is the only one doing the talking.

Think of something else while your loved one is unloading. Don't take ownership of any of it.

Even if there is some truth to what they're saying, in order for you to listen, your partner needs to be kind and respectful in their words and tone. Anything less should be ignored. Repeat in your head, "I'm giving this back to you. I'm not owning this."

3. Don't work yourself up even more.

Take 15 minutes and make a music playlist for when you feel angry.

It should be filled with your favorite soothing music.

Spend $10 on yourself and purchase a few new songs. (If you have a hard time spending money on yourself maybe this will help: $10 is the cost of three beers.)

The goal of this playlist is to bring you back down to your vulnerable place. Because behind all anger is sadness.

You're sad, my sweet friend. You're hurting. Be compassionate with your loving heart and let yourself be sad.

When you create a safe space to feel your sadness, your heart will soften and your tenderness will come back. You will know that God has not left you. He's right there with you.

Did you find this helpful? If so, check out the Love Over Addiction program. You will find help, answers, and hope just for women who love a good man that drinks too much or suffers from substance abuse. I hope you'll join me.

It’s normal to feel angry when your partner lies to you about how much he or she had to drink or if they've taken drugs.

It’s normal to feel angry after your loved one promised you they'll stop and then you find out they've started his or her bad habits again.

It’s normal to feel angry even after your partner is sober at all the pain and distrust you’re still trying to work though.

It’s okay to feel anger.

Instead of beating yourself up about it or - even worse - letting your anger eat away at you, here are three helpful tips on how to deal with your anger.

1. Don’t yell or try to have a discussion when you're angry.

Put yourself in time out.

I know one mom who used to hide herself under a blanket. She had little kids, so she couldn’t leave the room, but she would just go into her own little world under a blanket and take deep breaths. She would read her Bible or listen to music or pray.

Whatever it takes, do it. I used to walk away and lock myself in the bathroom. If I could, I would draw a warm bubble bath, put on some good music, and think about all the wonderful things I’m grateful for. I refused to let this disease bring me down.

2. Don’t own your partner's hurtful words.

Let him or her have the last word and “think” that they've won. If he or she starts giving you excuses or blaming you and you can’t walk away, just keep your mouth shut.

You can’t argue with them when he or she is the only one doing the talking.

Think of something else while your loved one is unloading. Don’t take ownership of any of it.

Even if there is some truth to what they're saying, in order for you to listen, your partner needs to be kind and respectful in their words and tone. Anything less should be ignored. Repeat in your head, "I’m giving this back to you. I’m not owning this."

3. Don’t work yourself up even more.

Take 15 minutes and make a music playlist for when you feel angry.

It should be filled with your favorite soothing music.

Spend $10 on yourself and purchase a few new songs. (If you have a hard time spending money on yourself maybe this will help: $10 is the cost of three beers.)

The goal of this playlist is to bring you back down to your vulnerable place. Because behind all anger is sadness.

You’re sad, my sweet friend. You’re hurting. Be compassionate with your loving heart and let yourself be sad.

When you create a safe space to feel your sadness, your heart will soften and your tenderness will come back. You will know that God has not left you. He’s right there with you.

Did you find this helpful? If so, check out the Love Over Addiction program. You will find help, answers, and hope just for women who love a good man that drinks too much or suffers from substance abuse. I hope you'll join me.

When I was married to an alcoholic and substance abuser, he would try to blame his addiction on me.

He would call me a nag or controlling or no fun. As if I stopped nagging he would stop drinking.

Or he would try to get me to believe if I stopped monitoring how much he drank he would stop drinking so much.

Or how about if I had a little more fun (i.e. party with him) he wouldn't need to party so much.

You're not buying this, are you?

All these attempts are ways this disease tries to make us feel guilty.

This is called unnecessary guilt. The condemning kind of guilt that doesn't come from God.

If you can relate to anything I just shared, let me help put this ridiculous guilt trip and attempt to manipulate it back into perspective.

You could be a mannequin. Literally a mannequin - like the ones they have in department stores - and your partner would be drinking or using drugs.

Picture it for just a second. You could be one of those mannequins in the store with a wig and a perfect body and be standing in the kitchen looking all fake and thin in that awkward position that mannequins always stand in.

You wouldn't be able to talk (so you couldn't nag him or her) and you wouldn't be able to walk (so you couldn't monitor how much your partner is drinking by looking for his or her stash or marking the bottles) and let's just say you had a big smile on your face and were all dressed up looking like you're ready to party.

I know that seems like a ridiculous example, but I want to teach you just how ridiculous taking the blame for your loved one's drinking or drugs really are.

What do you think he or she is going to do now that you're the perfect woman they've been asking for? You're not nagging. You're not monitoring how much your partner is drinking because you're leaving them alone. And you're all dressed up and look like you're ready for fun.

He or she is going to carry on drinking or using drugs.

He or she is going to keep doing what they want to do whether you nag, monitor their drinking, party with them, or not.

So if it makes no difference, why should you try not to nag? Because it's an attempt to control someone other than yourself.

Why should you try not to monitor your loved one's drinking? Because it makes no difference if it's beer, vodka, pills, or cocaine. The substance will change, but your partner won't until they want to.

Monitoring your loved one's drinking distracts you from taking care of yourself.

There are benefits of not nagging, having more fun (NOT by drinking or partying, but by doing things you enjoy), and to not monitoring your partner's drinking, but they are benefits for YOU, my wonderful friend. Not your loved one.

So let's make a promise to surrender the guilt. Let it go. It serves no purpose.

Forgive yourself and you can stop feeling stuck and start moving forward with a positive and loving attitude.

If you're ready to make your healing as important as your partner's sobriety – we are waiting for you. Our programs are online, confidential, and you have lifetime access – so you can do them at your own pace.

When I was married to an alcoholic and substance abuser, he would try to blame his addiction on me.

He would call me a nag or controlling or no fun. As if I stopped nagging he would stop drinking.

Or he would try to get me to believe if I stopped monitoring how much he drank he would stop drinking so much.

Or how about if I had a little more fun (i.e. party with him) he wouldn’t need to party so much.

You’re not buying this, are you?

All these attempts are ways this disease tries to make us feel guilty.

This is called unnecessary guilt. The condemning kind of guilt that doesn't come from God.

If you can relate to anything I just shared, let me help put this ridiculous guilt trip and attempt to manipulate it back into perspective.

You could be a mannequin. Literally a mannequin - like the ones they have in department stores - and your partner would be drinking or using drugs.

Picture it for just a second. You could be one of those mannequins in the store with a wig and a perfect body and be standing in the kitchen looking all fake and thin in that awkward position that mannequins always stand in.

You wouldn’t be able to talk (so you couldn’t nag him or her) and you wouldn't be able to walk (so you couldn't monitor how much your partner is drinking by looking for his or her stash or marking the bottles) and let’s just say you had a big smile on your face and were all dressed up looking like you're ready to party.

I know that seems like a ridiculous example, but I want to teach you just how ridiculous taking the blame for your loved one's drinking or drugs really are.

What do you think he or she is going to do now that you’re the perfect woman they've been asking for? You’re not nagging. You're not monitoring how much your partner is drinking because you’re leaving them alone. And you’re all dressed up and look like you're ready for fun.

He or she is going to carry on drinking or using drugs.

He or she is going to keep doing what they want to do whether you nag, monitor their drinking, party with them, or not.

So if it makes no difference, why should you try not to nag? Because it’s an attempt to control someone other than yourself.

Why should you try not to monitor your loved one's drinking? Because it makes no difference if it’s beer, vodka, pills, or cocaine. The substance will change, but your partner won’t until they want to.

Monitoring your loved one's drinking distracts you from taking care of yourself.

There are benefits of not nagging, having more fun (NOT by drinking or partying, but by doing things you enjoy), and to not monitoring your partner's drinking, but they are benefits for YOU, my wonderful friend. Not your loved one.

So let’s make a promise to surrender the guilt. Let it go. It serves no purpose.

Forgive yourself and you can stop feeling stuck and start moving forward with a positive and loving attitude.

If you’re ready to make your healing as important as your partner’s sobriety – we are waiting for you. Our programs are online, confidential, and you have lifetime access – so you can do them at your own pace.

 

Happiness. It's a feeling that seems unattainable when we're in the darkness of loving someone who suffers with drinking too much or addiction.

How can you feel happy in the thick of your pain? Is it possible?

Yes, it's totally and completely possible to go from hurt to joyful in an afternoon. How do I know? Because I've done it many, many times.

There were lots of mornings when I was a young mom of three and my husband had not come home from his night of drinking and partying. I woke up and had to carry on. The kids needed breakfast and the house needed to be picked up. Life had to keep moving forward, with or without him.

One morning I woke up and was determined NOT to go a single minute feeling depressed and defeated anymore. I was not going to let this disease rob me of my happiness and rob my kids of the mom they deserved to have (it was bad enough they didn't have their father present - I couldn't check out too).

Here are three things I did to feel happy that completely changed my day around to one of the most wonderful, amazing afternoons of my life. It was the day I realized I don't have to be the victim and this disease doesn't have to bring me down every hour of every day. I could be happy if my husband was there or wasn't there and if he was getting sober or not.

1. Enjoy your life.

In order to enjoy your life, you must figure out what gives you joy.

So often we get wrapped up in our partner's pain, disease, if he or she going to get sober, or if he or she going to drink.

Do you notice where all the effort and attention are going? To your loved one. Today, you can choose to stop putting useless attention into solving issues that you can't control and, instead, invest that energy into taking care of yourself.

Try doing one action or activity that brings you joy. Every day. With intention and determination. You're not going to put it off.

I know... every day seems like a lot to us codependent people who have lived for so long taking care of everyone else's needs.

But you're giving out more than you're getting back. And that leaves you feeling resentful and exhausted.

Inside the Love Over Addiction program, I show you exactly how to follow through with this new behavior.

2. Make small but important steps.

I don't know about you, but I consider myself to be somewhat of an impatient person. I work hard and I would love to see the results of my hard work immediately.

Sometimes (many times) that's an unrealistic expectation.

I think, "Okay, I've worked so hard, I'm going to get great results," and then I get so disappointed when I only see minor change.

For example, I work out and try my best to eat healthy. Every week I weigh in with my trainer. And if I've been doing a really good job with my diet, I expect the scale to show that I've lost five pounds.

But when it only shows half a pound, I'm so tempted to just give up, go home, and have a bowl of frozen yogurt with my favorite toppings (the yogurt shop has something called cookie butter - I cannot even explain the joy this gives me).

But instead, my trainer reminds me, "Michelle, you made improvements this week. That's something to celebrate," (and I don't think he means with frozen yogurt - although that's immediately where my mind goes).

So now, I'm proud of the half pound. I'm pausing and I'm congratulating myself. I sit with the feelings of accomplishment. Then I encourage myself to keep going because it IS working!

Take small but important steps in your recovery. Did you keep a quiet mouth today? Perfect. Celebrate that. Did you do one thing that gave you joy like baking cookies, scrapbooking, or taking a bubble bath? Good. Celebrate that. Small steps in recovery equal big victories.

3. Self-care.

Are you taking care of yourself physically? Are you eating healing foods? Are you exercising? If not, why?

There is a direct correlation between your happiness and how much exercise you get every week. I'm not saying you need to join a gym or commit to an hour every day, 7 days a week or hire a trainer.

A brisk, twenty minute walk every day will help you be in a better mood for 12 hours. It reduces your stress hormones and helps cure anxiety and depression.

You're not selfish for making your mental and physical health a priority. You're being responsible.

So out of these three helpful tips, what are you going to commit to this week? You can do one of them. I promise. You're so much more capable than you give yourself credit for.

Be kind to yourself and celebrate your victories. Be proud of yourself and know that I am proud of you too.

I want to come alongside you, encourage you, and show you step-by-step how to start your recovery and your healing in the Love Over Addiction program. You'll learn how to find your joy, happiness, and peace if your partner gets sober or not. You can have a new beginning. A new hope.I hope you'll join hundreds of women just like you.

Happiness. It’s a feeling that seems unattainable when we're in the darkness of loving someone who suffers with drinking too much or addiction.

How can you feel happy in the thick of your pain? Is it possible?

Yes, it’s totally and completely possible to go from hurt to joyful in an afternoon. How do I know? Because I’ve done it many, many times.

There were lots of mornings when I was a young mom of three and my husband had not come home from his night of drinking and partying. I woke up and had to carry on. The kids needed breakfast and the house needed to be picked up. Life had to keep moving forward, with or without him.

One morning I woke up and was determined NOT to go a single minute feeling depressed and defeated anymore. I was not going to let this disease rob me of my happiness and rob my kids of the mom they deserved to have (it was bad enough they didn’t have their father present - I couldn’t check out too).

Here are three things I did to feel happy that completely changed my day around to one of the most wonderful, amazing afternoons of my life. It was the day I realized I don't have to be the victim and this disease doesn't have to bring me down every hour of every day. I could be happy if my husband was there or wasn’t there and if he was getting sober or not.

1. Enjoy your life.

In order to enjoy your life, you must figure out what gives you joy.

So often we get wrapped up in our partner's pain, disease, if he or she going to get sober, or if he or she going to drink.

Do you notice where all the effort and attention are going? To your loved one. Today, you can choose to stop putting useless attention into solving issues that you can’t control and, instead, invest that energy into taking care of yourself.

Try doing one action or activity that brings you joy. Every day. With intention and determination. You’re not going to put it off.

I know... every day seems like a lot to us codependent people who have lived for so long taking care of everyone else’s needs.

But you’re giving out more than you’re getting back. And that leaves you feeling resentful and exhausted.

Inside the Love Over Addiction program, I show you exactly how to follow through with this new behavior.

2. Make small but important steps.

I don’t know about you, but I consider myself to be somewhat of an impatient person. I work hard and I would love to see the results of my hard work immediately.

Sometimes (many times) that’s an unrealistic expectation.

I think, "Okay, I’ve worked so hard, I’m going to get great results," and then I get so disappointed when I only see minor change.

For example, I work out and try my best to eat healthy. Every week I weigh in with my trainer. And if I’ve been doing a really good job with my diet, I expect the scale to show that I’ve lost five pounds.

But when it only shows half a pound, I’m so tempted to just give up, go home, and have a bowl of frozen yogurt with my favorite toppings (the yogurt shop has something called cookie butter - I cannot even explain the joy this gives me).

But instead, my trainer reminds me, “Michelle, you made improvements this week. That’s something to celebrate,” (and I don’t think he means with frozen yogurt - although that’s immediately where my mind goes).

So now, I’m proud of the half pound. I’m pausing and I’m congratulating myself. I sit with the feelings of accomplishment. Then I encourage myself to keep going because it IS working!

Take small but important steps in your recovery. Did you keep a quiet mouth today? Perfect. Celebrate that. Did you do one thing that gave you joy like baking cookies, scrapbooking, or taking a bubble bath? Good. Celebrate that. Small steps in recovery equal big victories.

3. Self-care.

Are you taking care of yourself physically? Are you eating healing foods? Are you exercising? If not, why?

There is a direct correlation between your happiness and how much exercise you get every week. I’m not saying you need to join a gym or commit to an hour every day, 7 days a week or hire a trainer.

A brisk, twenty minute walk every day will help you be in a better mood for 12 hours. It reduces your stress hormones and helps cure anxiety and depression.

You’re not selfish for making your mental and physical health a priority. You’re being responsible.

So out of these three helpful tips, what are you going to commit to this week? You can do one of them. I promise. You’re so much more capable than you give yourself credit for.

Be kind to yourself and celebrate your victories. Be proud of yourself and know that I am proud of you too.

I want to come alongside you, encourage you, and show you step-by-step how to start your recovery and your healing in the Love Over Addiction program. You’ll learn how to find your joy, happiness, and peace if your partner gets sober or not. You can have a new beginning. A new hope.I hope you’ll join hundreds of women just like you.

Are you feeling trapped in your marriage with an alcoholic or substance abuser?

You love him or her, so you want to stay in this relationship. But you're angry, confused, and feeling hopeless.

You don't know how much more you can take.

Have you ever threatened to leave your loved one because you want to scare him or her into getting sober? (this almost never works for long-term sobriety, so no need to try)

The idea of leaving breaks your heart and you don't see a way out.

You cling to the good person you fell in love with. You need the best version of him or her.

On the days you lose hope that your partner will ever get sober for good, you may secretly entertain the idea of leaving.

But how would you support yourself? Where would you go? Will your children blame you for breaking apart the family? What would your family think? What would God think?

It's not simple, is it? It's complicated and messy.

But I'm here to remind you sweet friend:

You don't need to make up your mind to leave or stay today.

Forgive yourself for staying and remember you reserve the right to change your mind tomorrow.

Surrender the decision and trust the process. You'll know if it's time to leave.

You're not trapped - you're just not ready to make the decision yet.

In the meantime, you need to get started working on your program.

You know I'm always going to be honest with you because I teach from experience.

And here's the loving truth: you're sick too. This disease has done some serious damage to you.

So, let's focus on getting you repaired and recovered. Let's commit to working your program.

And I used the word "work" intentionally. Feeling better takes commitment.

We need to commit to prayer, to self-care, and to being willing and open to change.

Listen to our free podcast, read our helpful tips, and join one of our programs. They are entirely online, so your confidentiality is always protected and there is no child care to line up. Plus, you have lifetime access.

No matter where you decided to get the help and answers you need, you're a loving thoughtful wife who needs to feel better about herself before she can make the decision to leave or stay.

By doing the work, you will no longer feel threatened or stuck. You can stay because you choose to stay. You can leave if you feel it's time because you will be strong enough to make that decision.

I hope to "meet" you inside one of our programs.

Are you feeling trapped in your marriage with an alcoholic or substance abuser?

You love him or her, so you want to stay in this relationship. But you're angry, confused, and feeling hopeless.

You don't know how much more you can take.

Have you ever threatened to leave your loved one because you want to scare him or her into getting sober? (this almost never works for long-term sobriety, so no need to try)

The idea of leaving breaks your heart and you don't see a way out.

You cling to the good person you fell in love with. You need the best version of him or her.

On the days you lose hope that your partner will ever get sober for good, you may secretly entertain the idea of leaving.

But how would you support yourself? Where would you go? Will your children blame you for breaking apart the family? What would your family think? What would God think?

It's not simple, is it? It's complicated and messy.

But I'm here to remind you sweet friend:

You don't need to make up your mind to leave or stay today.

Forgive yourself for staying and remember you reserve the right to change your mind tomorrow.

Surrender the decision and trust the process. You'll know if it's time to leave.

You're not trapped - you're just not ready to make the decision yet.

In the meantime, you need to get started working on your program.

You know I’m always going to be honest with you because I teach from experience.

And here’s the loving truth: you’re sick too. This disease has done some serious damage to you.

So, let’s focus on getting you repaired and recovered. Let’s commit to working your program.

And I used the word "work" intentionally. Feeling better takes commitment.

We need to commit to prayer, to self-care, and to being willing and open to change.

Listen to our free podcast, read our helpful tips, and join one of our programs. They are entirely online, so your confidentiality is always protected and there is no child care to line up. Plus, you have lifetime access.

No matter where you decided to get the help and answers you need, you're a loving thoughtful wife who needs to feel better about herself before she can make the decision to leave or stay.

By doing the work, you will no longer feel threatened or stuck. You can stay because you choose to stay. You can leave if you feel it’s time because you will be strong enough to make that decision.

I hope to "meet" you inside one of our programs.

I had a friend who worked evenings. She was gorgeous and kind-hearted. She always wore the most beautiful outfits.

We were both pregnant at the same time. She was having a boy and so was I, so we bonded over our growing bellies and swollen ankles.

We also had something else in common:

Our husbands were both addicted to cocaine.

And because she worked nights, he would throw wild parties while she was working and I know this because my husband often attended those wild parties.

After our boys were born, we would meet on the playground every Monday. She would be looking all wonderful with her clean clothing and clean hair and I would look like a hot mess with baby food on my sweatshirt who had not slept all night.

(I'm sharing this with you because sometimes the shiny, pretty people are the ones we most admire, but they need love and acceptance just as much as we do.)

Every time we were on the playground, she would complain that after working late she would come home to find it trashed.

The house was littered with cups, garbage, and bottles. She would even find strangers passed out on the couch.

For three hours she would do nothing but clean - wash the floors, pick up trash, and do the dishes.

When her husband woke up after his binge, the home smelled and looked brand new. He had no reminder of the hurtful choices he made the night before. He could always rely on his wife to clean up his messes and erase his past.

If you are like my friend and clean up all the time, your partner will never get the severity of the situation.

The more you try to rescue your partner, the longer it will take for them to get sober.

Yes, it's easier for you to clean up after them, but you are prolonging the disease.

Doing the dirty work is not going to make your partner love you more.

Saving your loved one is not going to help get him or her sober.

I know you've been trying to help. You're helping because you love your partner.

But now you know to leave the messes for them to clean up.

You can do this! I am right here beside you reminding you – even in the worst of times – you're not alone. I know how you feel. Put your healing first by joining one of our programs and see how much different your life will be.