Love Over Addiction

Do you want to learn how to feel joy, happiness, and peace whether your partner gets sober or not? I thought you would. I have a free video for you at the end of this post that will teach you why your happiness doesn't depend on your loved one's sobriety. In that video, I share more details about the Love Over Addiction program that's now open for enrollment.

You love an alcoholic or substance abuser.

One day you think he or she is doing better, and the next they're saying cruel and hurtful things.

You trusted them and they broke your heart.

The moment you find out your partner was drinking or using drugs or gambling again, it feels like you’ve been punched in the gut. A lump in your throat appears.

This time you really think this disease is going to kill you. You’re done. You’re broken. Your partner is broken. Nothing is working and you can’t figure out how to help.

How did your life get to this point? You may even be embarrassed when you compare your life to other couples' lives.

And the really madding part of it all is that the next morning your loved one acts like everything's fine. He or she can barely remember what happened. You lay there feeling like you're going crazy and they're acting like nothing is wrong.

You’re feeling trapped in a cycle of drinking, fighting, ignoring, resenting, blaming, and hoping - and then it all happens again.

You try so hard to be the happy and lovingly supportive wife. But even that doesn’t work. This disease makes no sense.

So what do you do? How do you stop feeling confused and frustrated?

Many of you have told me over the years, "Michelle, it’s so hard to just walk away and not say anything." And although I think that’s always the best choice - if you feel like you just need to get it out - I’ve provided you the rules if you choose to stay and communicate.

Go ahead and express your feelings. Talk to him or her. BUT when you do - follow these rules. They are specific steps to follow that will help you feel courageous and dignified. If you do this correctly, you will feel in control. 

1. You can’t be vulnerable and trust a person who has been drinking. If he or she is drinking, leave the room. Find your own space and stay away.
2. When you do talk to your partner the next morning or whenever they decide to come back home, you need to keep it short and sweet. No lectures. No yelling. You are a dignified woman.  
3. Tell your loved one three things: what he or she did, how it made you feel, and that he or she needs help. That’s it. Write it down and practice before you say it. Four paragraphs at the most.

The last thing you need to remember: your partner's reaction doesn't matter. If he denies, gets angry, walks away, whatever.

Do you want to know why their reaction doesn’t matter? It’s because you’re expressing your feelings for YOU - not for them.

If you want to feel the love, hope, and peace you've been looking for and you want to learn how to be happy again, join me in the Love Over Addiction program. Also, just click below and check your inbox for your free, helpful video that teaches you why you're happiness doesn't depend on his sobriety.

If you’re the wife of an alcoholic or substance abuser, you are not powerless over his addiction. You don’t need to wait for him to get sober to start to feel happiness. Join us for encouragement, hope and some fun (because recovery doesn’t need to be all depressing.)

How to feel love, joy and happiness while loving an alcoholic or substance abuser. If you feel exhausted from trying to help, depressed when he’s been drinking or using drugs and worried this rollercoaster ride will never end, we can help.

If you’re the wife of an alcoholic or substance abuser, you are not powerless over his addiction. You don’t need to wait for him to get sober to start to feel happiness. Join us for encouragement, hope and some fun (because recovery doesn’t need to be all depressing.)

How to feel love, joy and happiness while loving an alcoholic or substance abuser.  If you feel exhausted from trying to help, depressed when he’s been drinking or using drugs and worried this rollercoaster ride will never end, we can help.

Loving an alcoholic can be such a devastating, heartbreaking relationship. It's difficult for people to really understand the pain and loneliness you're going through. This disease can make you feel like you're crazy. Because of that, I created a checklist that will help you know that what you're feeling is normal. You're not alone, my sweet reader.

• Do you worry about how much your loved one drinks?
• Do you feel guilty when you take time for yourself?
• Do you put his or her needs above your own desires or over your children's needs?
• Do you cover up for your partner and try to protect them by lying to their boss, friends, or family about his or her drinking?
• Do you search the house, the recycle bin, or the garage for bottles or drugs?
• Have you suspected that your partner is having an affair or looking at pornography?
• Have you been tempted to call the police after your loved one has been drinking?
• Are you exhausted from trying to fix his or her problems?
• Do you feel that if your partner really loved you he or she would stop drinking or using drugs?
• Is there some part of you that blames yourself for your loved one's bad habits?
• Do you feel like the old version of you is gone and you've turned into a woman you don't recognize?

If you said "yes" to any of these questions, you're not alone.

When I was married to my ex-husband, I could have put a giant checkmark next to each one of those. But here's some good news: just because you feel that way today, doesn't mean you need to feel this awful pain and emptiness tomorrow. Have hope. There is a way to go from despair to happiness.

You may have heard me mention my flagship course for women who love an alcoholic or substance abuser called Love Over Addiction. If you're looking for peace, happiness, and joy whether your partner gets sober or not, this program will help.

If you would like to know more about the Love Over Addiction program or how you can get started, click the pink box below. You'll receive an email with the juicy details plus a video training where I will teach you about one of the great lies when you love an alcoholic.

Loving an alcoholic can be such a devastating, heartbreaking relationship. It's difficult for people to really understand the pain and loneliness you're going through. This disease can make you feel like you're crazy. Because of that, I created a checklist that will help you know that what you're feeling is normal. You're not alone, my sweet reader.

• Do you worry about how much your loved one drinks?
• Do you feel guilty when you take time for yourself?
• Do you put his or her needs above your own desires or over your children's needs?
• Do you cover up for your partner and try to protect them by lying to their boss, friends, or family about his or her drinking?
• Do you search the house, the recycle bin, or the garage for bottles or drugs?
• Have you suspected that your partner is having an affair or looking at pornography?
• Have you been tempted to call the police after your loved one has been drinking?
• Are you exhausted from trying to fix his or her problems?
• Do you feel that if your partner really loved you he or she would stop drinking or using drugs?
• Is there some part of you that blames yourself for your loved one's bad habits?
• Do you feel like the old version of you is gone and you've turned into a woman you don't recognize?

If you said "yes" to any of these questions, you're not alone.

When I was married to my ex-husband, I could have put a giant checkmark next to each one of those. But here's some good news: just because you feel that way today, doesn't mean you need to feel this awful pain and emptiness tomorrow. Have hope. There is a way to go from despair to happiness.

You may have heard me mention my flagship course for women who love an alcoholic or substance abuser called Love Over Addiction. If you're looking for peace, happiness, and joy whether your partner gets sober or not, this program will help.

If you would like to know more about the Love Over Addiction program or how you can get started, click the pink box below. You'll receive an email with the juicy details plus a video training where I will teach you about one of the great lies when you love an alcoholic.

You feel trapped in a marriage to an alcoholic or substance abuser.

You love your partner, so you want to stay in this relationship, but you're angry, confused, hopeless, and you don't know how much longer you can take it all.

You might have told your loved one that this was the last chance to save your relationship. That he or she had to get sober because you don't know how much more of this you can take.

The idea of leaving breaks your heart and you don't see a way out.

The good man or woman you fell in love with is the person you cling to. The loving, best version of him or her - that's the person you need. You want that person to stay sober.

On the days you lose hope that your loved one will ever get sober for good, you entertain the idea of leaving.

But how would you support yourself?

Where would you go?

Will your children hate you for breaking apart the family?

What would your family think?

Maybe your anger and desire for your partner to get sober causes you to threaten to leave. But by now, your loved one knows they are just empty words because you have threatened to leave so many times.

Fear is keeping you stuck.

But I'm here to remind you, sweet friend, that it's not too late for you.

If you feel like your marriage is hanging on by a thread. That's okay. That's normal.

You don't need to make up your mind to leave or stay today. You must forgive yourself for staying and remember that you reserve the right to change your mind tomorrow.

It will get so much easier when you just surrender the decision and trust the process. You will get to a point when you'll know if it's time. You're not trapped... you're just not ready to make the decision yet.

You still have a journey ahead of you.

Until you have the confidence, courage, and self-love that you know you need - it's not the time to make the choice if you should stay or go. There is no need to worry about it. Put it aside and focus on yourself-care.

I'm right here cheering you on! You can do it!

If you're ready to make your healing as important as your partner's sobriety – we are waiting for you. Our programs are online, confidential, and you have lifetime access – so you can do them at your own pace.

When you love someone who drinks too much or has substance abuse issues, you are hoping with all your heart that they will finally get sober. You want the pain and suffering to end. So are you helpless? Do you have to sit back and wait patiently for your partner to decide that enough is enough? No way!

Today, I'm going to teach you a two-step formula that needs to happen if you want to see a change in your relationship.

And before we start going into our first step, I was afraid you might be feeling a little overwhelmed, since there's a lot we're going to cover today. I thought it would be helpful if I created a free download that will arrive in your inbox in moments. It's a list of all the steps we discuss in this blog post. You can print it out and tuck it away.

Now, before we get started, I want to add a disclaimer. You are an intelligent woman, so what I'm about to share may sound obvious.

Simple and frustrating, right? Yeah.

But you're not powerless. There are very specific things you can do and things you should not do that might help your partner say "enough is enough." Or, even better, get you feeling the love, joy, and peace you're looking for whether he or she gets sober or not.

Go through this list and if you're doing anything that you shouldn't, stop.

Do not nag about your partner's drinking.

Do not beg him or her to stop.

Do not yell or slam doors or storm out when you feel angry, hurt, or resentful.

Do not pour out their alcohol or switch their drinks.

Do not get other family members to talk to your loved one about their issues.

Do not pick up after him or her and act like their mother – leave the clothes on the floor, don't make doctors appointments, or remind them to go to work.

Do not find a rehabilitation center or drive your partner to AA meetings. They can find a friend or sponsor if they lost their license.

Get yourself ready in the morning with pride – put on your nice clothing, do your hair and makeup – this is for your own care, not to please your loved one.

Surround yourself with things that give you joy – coffee with friends, your favorite music, books, and movies. Gardening, painting, exercising.

Go to a weekly support meeting or therapist.

Do not talk your friend's or family's ears off about your partner's issues – that's what support groups, therapists, and our community are for.

Don't lend your loved one money or your car.

This is your work. Not anyone else's. You have complete control over your behaviors. I didn't say it was going to be easy but this checklist is necessary.

You are ready to leave it in His hands and He will take it from you and work amazing miracles in your life.

Until you have truly done your work you, cannot ask God to do His.

You have to break the patterns and the dysfunctional cycles for Him to move mountains in your relationship.

Here's the best news: this process doesn't need to take years, months, or even weeks. You can get started today.

If you're ever looking for support on this journey, check out the three programs we offer. They are all work-at-your-own-pace and you'll have lifetime access, so you're able to take as long as you need. I know these changes take time. I'm here to support you and cheer you on.

I often talk about one of the ways this community is different - we believe you're not powerless over this disease.

And for those of you who know me and have been listening to the podcast or reading our blog for a while, you might be thinking "Yeah, Michelle I know. I've heard you say this so many times."

Here's another way our community is different:

Yes, it's true. Codependency practiced with the right people at the right time can be a huge gift.

Here are three benefits of codependency.

Here's an example: let's pretend we're running a marathon. There is a moment in the race that some runners hit where their bodies just give out and they literally collapse. It's not an uncommon scene in the last five miles of a marathon.

But what is uncommon is the runner who stops her race and forgoes her own time to help the person next to her who is struggling. Most people train for an event like this for years, and their time matters. If they stop, they know they might not be able to continue.

So it's totally normal for someone to just keep moving and focus on what they're there for - getting the best possible time they can.

But I know several women who stop running their race when they see someone in pain. And who will even run back to get them some water. They will come alongside of the broken runner, put their arm around them, and make sure they get medical assistance.

These are the women that have been called "codependent" in meetings. These are selfless, courageous, and thoughtful women.

If that's called codependent, then they should wear that label proudly.

We show up. We listen when someone's hurting.

And when someone is sharing her pain or problems, we get busy trying to think of ways we can help.

We can be counted on. And we follow up with a text or phone call to check in and make sure that person is doing better. We arrive at doorsteps with a pot roast.

We defend and protect because we are loyal to those we have let into our little close circle.

We are usually the first ones to admit that we may have messed up and made a mistake.

In a world full of defensiveness, we are refreshingly willing to take responsibility. We're usually the first one who admits we may have messed up and didn't get it right. Or to admit to our friends and family and even strangers that we don't have all the answers.

There are so many more amazing qualities that come from being "codependent" and this blog is one example.

I've been writing here for over four years and this little community of women like you are some of the most polite, loving, and caring women I've ever known.

You make writing and doing this podcast a joy. You warm my heart. I love our group of codependent women.

Kindness is not normal in most online communities, unfortunately. But we have great manners. And we are here for each other.

If you're ever looking for support on this journey, check out the three programs we offer. They are all work-at-your-own-pace and you'll have lifetime access, so you're able to take as long as you need. I know these changes take time. I'm here to support you and cheer you on.

I met my first husband in high school.

At the time, I was broken.

I didn't have a super traumatic childhood like some people, but I was definitely lacking love and attention and seeking approval from the wrong crowd as a result.

I also really, really cared about people. Their pain was my pain. Even if it was a conversation with a stranger sitting next to me on a train. For that hour-long ride, I would listen as they told me about their sister dying. Or the woman I just met in the waiting room telling me about her husband fighting a war in a foreign land.

My heart hurt for them. And that's okay.

Some people believe this would be a sign of codependency. And maybe it is. But it's nothing I would choose to change about myself. I love that God gave me the gift of empathy and compassion for others.

And my guess, sweet listener, is that you have that gift too.

You are the kind of woman who feels other people's pain. Who is willing to really listen.

So how do we make sure this gift of compassion for others is not used in a harmful way? How do we listen and love without getting hurt?

Trying to take away someone else's pain doesn't take away our own.

It doesn't work like that, does it? Because what happens if they never heal? Or what happens if they do?

We, the caretakers, are still left in the same empty and sometimes lonely place we started.

Because we neglected ourselves.

We use our greatest gift of empathy and compassion for everyone but ourselves.

We excuse everyone else's mistakes and behaviors but our own.

When our friends gain weight we tell them they still look beautiful. But how often do we tell ourselves that we're beautiful?

When other moms are upset their children made a poor choice, how often do we assure them they are doing a great job, but we beat ourselves up when our kids make mistakes?

You see where I'm going with this?

So, my sweet, wonderful listener, I'm here to love and encourage you by reminding you that you are precious. You are beautiful. You have gifts to offer.

And I'm also here as someone who has been very guilty of this, to remind you to be your biggest fan.

Be kind and gentle with yourself. Choose to love and nurture you.

You are not being prideful. And anyone that says that loving yourself is wrong isn't living with addiction. This disease can bring you down. Fast. Women who love alcoholics or substance abusers don't suffer from pride. We're the opposite. We suffer from never feeling good enough.

Let's make a promise to each other. Let's sit in that waiting room or train ride and before we give away our special gift of compassion, make sure we have given it to ourselves first.

Are you being too hard on yourself? Are you beating yourself up for not being good enough?

If you found this helpful, we have three courses that could change your life (and your relationship) PLUS a Secret Facebook Group filled with women just like you (so you will never feel lonely again). Click here to learn more.

The disease of addiction can make you feel so little so fast. But, remember - there are three of you in this relationship: you, your partner, and this addiction. And it's important to remember that it's the evil disease called "addiction" that is killing your relationship, not your loved one.

Addiction wants to take you down. So what do you do when your partner's addiction has taken over once again and he or she is lashing out?

Today, I am going to give you four helpful tools you can start to use immediately to take back your power and help you feel in control.

Your partner can't verbally abuse you if you are not around to be their punching bag. Leave the room. Walk away or hang up the phone. Respectfully. No yelling, slamming doors, or shaming (I know... it's hard).

This disease is cunning and strong. You will lose. The only one who stands a chance of taking this disease down is your loved one. Let him or her fight their own battles.

Your attention feeds this disease. If you weren't there to nag or argue, your partner would be left with his or her depressing thoughts. And that feeling cannot be good. You will no longer become the scapegoat for those shameful feelings.

Give it all to Him because He is willing to take it on. Close your eyes and imagine giving all your problems, anxiety, and anger away. Do this every day and every time you need to, trusting that God will make all things right. Repeat "I surrender" over and over. You can even sing that hymn: "I Surrender All" - Faith Hill has an amazing version.

I know this seems hard, but too often we get dragged into this crazy addiction cycle. We blame our partner or worse - we blame ourselves for his or her drinking, drugs, gambling, or porn. We feel shame and we "own" their problems, taking responsibility for issues that don't belong to us. And then we get angry at him or her for lying and disappointing or at ourselves for putting up with it. It's a cycle. And it causes us to stay stuck.

Doing one of these four things next time your loved one chooses to drink or use drugs takes back your power. And the rewards will be amazing. You will get stronger and healthier. You can do it! I am cheering you on with love and encouragement.

If you're ever looking for support on this journey, check out the three programs we offer. They are all work-at-your-own-pace and you'll have lifetime access, so you're able to take as long as you need. I know these changes take time. I'm here to support you and cheer you on.