Love Over Addiction

One of the biggest things to remember about the disease of addiction is that it loves to lie to you. Addiction has no shame either - it will lie straight to your face and use the one you love most to get the biggest impact. Here are three of the biggest lies to look for when you love an alcoholic or substance abuser.

It was much easier to blame myself for my ex-husband's drinking issues than to think he was out of control. I was willing to take the blame. To own the responsibility. It was my fault. Somehow, some way… I caused this to happen.

What a scam. What a big fat lie this disease tries to make you believe.

Are you taking the blame, my sweet friend? Are you owning your partner's baggage? You can't do that. You've got to lay it down. Because last time I checked, you weren't holding a bottle up to your loved one's mouth. You weren't the one buying drugs or suggesting he or she goes out to party.

Trying harder, looking for the secret formula, or fixing is not going to make a difference. Spinning your wheels into exhaustion can only lead to resentment and anger.

Next time your partner drinks, uses, or turns to his or her bad habits, please remember, my sweet friends – it's not your fault.

You might think that if your loved one chooses the bottle over you, that means they don't love you. You might be feeling lost and confused and sick of the excuses.

You may have spent so much time trying to convince your partner that he or she needs help because you need them to get better

If you just tried harder at pleasing him or her – if you acted happier or if you were a better wife or mother he or she would be able to walk away from the drugs or alcohol.

These are such lies. And you are a smart enough woman to understand that. Don't fall for it.

...beg, yell, shame, plead, threaten to leave, lose weight, tell their family, start to earn more money, stop talking to them, move to another location, or whatever you need to fill in the blank with.

Nothing you did causes your partner to drink or use drugs and nothing you could do with cause your partner to quit. It's just that simple

I held onto these lies for years. Guarded them with my life. But now I understand that they are not true.

If you're ready to make your healing as important as your partner's sobriety – we are waiting for you. Our programs are online, confidential, and you have lifetime access – so you can do them at your own pace.

There's a popular expression that says there are two sides to every story. The reason it's popular is because it's true. Usually, during conflict in a marriage, there is responsibility that needs to be owned by both husband and wife.

And as some of you know, I was once married to a good man who suffers with addiction and alcoholism. I'm now remarried and have six beautiful children.

I wondered if that statement above was true with addiction. Do I have any responsibility for my partner's drinking or drug use? Is it really my fault he makes hurtful choices? Should I carry this guilt around that weighs a ton? When he cuts me with his words, did I do something to deserve it?

After a deep and long search of my heart, I decided to give back the responsibility of his life to him. That's exactly where it belongs. I refused to own someone else's choices.

But my healing doesn't end there.

I went deeper… because not owning my ex-husband's addiction wasn't enough. I knew I had responsibility for my own choices. The yelling, the blaming, the threatening to leave but always returning.

Do you want to know? There were four very ugly reasons I continued to put up with his verbal abuse, lies, and constant rejection.

And before I tell you, I have to say I do feel a little vulnerable. They are not pretty reasons. Owning them shows off my darker side. So, I'm holding on to hope that you, sweet reader, will remember that we don't do judgment in our community. Or if you do judge me, don't tell me about it. :)

Now, I want to tell you one more thing before I get into the reasons why I stayed for over ten years in a very destructive marriage filled with addiction.

I really loved him. And I loved his potential. And even though I left, I still do believe in his potential.

When I took self-inventory why I was continuing to tolerate his behavior in my life, I identified my top four reasons:

I wanted to please everyone. I was scared of upsetting my in-laws, my parents, my friends, my children's teachers, and my children. I was considerate of everyone's feelings about my future but my own.

I felt wanted when he needed help. It felt good when he apologized. It gave me a sense of purpose to run in and try to save the day. To be the rescuer.

It was so much easier to get on my high horse and guilt him, blame him, or lecture him about his actions and choices. Never mind the fact that I was blaming, lecturing, or yelling. I didn't have to look at my poor choices because his were so much worse.

...and never on my issues. Hiding behind this disease can be a convenient place to live. All the blame for our bad habits, our unhappiness, and our problems become about our partner's addiction or drinking. And I'm not saying that it isn't a reason to be unhappy. I promise.

Oh, my goodness, it is so hard loving someone who has a problem with drugs or alcohol. But...

Not very pretty, right? But telling the truth can set you free.

If you're ready to make your healing as important as your partner's sobriety – we are waiting for you. Our programs are online, confidential, and you have lifetime access – so you can do them at your own pace.

In today's post, I am actually going to do something a little different. I'm not going to give you a tip. Today, I just want to encourage you. Tips and advice are good and can be super helpful, but sometimes we all just need a friend to encourage us. And that's what my heart was telling me you needed today.

No how-tos. Just encouragement and love. Just a friend to come alongside you and remind you that I understand and it will be okay.

There might be times you want to leave your alcoholic partner, but you love him or her too much.

You are worried about your family and how to survive without your loved one.

What will you do for money?

Where will you live?

You don't feel strong enough.

You are hoping life will get easier.

You need someone to tell you that soon, you will be happy.

You feel alone and your heart hurts.

Your life is out of control and your partner's bad habits are taking over.

Anger is always living beneath the surface of your skin.

There are moments you actually question if you are going crazy.

You are jealous of other people's happiness.

How did you get here?

How did this become your life?

Will it ever get better?

I just wanted you to know that I get it.

I understand.

I care about you.

I think about you every day and I am on a mission to help you.

My life's purpose is to deliver the message that will help heal your heart and help you get the love you deserve.

Have hope, my sweet friend. You are beautiful. You are worthy. You are loved. You are deserving of unconditional love, goodness, and kindness.

Trust that it will get better. You have a future and through this pain, you will come out a stronger woman.

Yes, your bruises will show. Your cuts will be scars, but you will come out alive. Better. More beautiful than you've ever been.

That pain and those scars will serve you and inspire others. They are purposeful. You will be used to help and heal. Because you have gifts. You're important. You matter to me and to God.

So keep your eyes on Him. Keep looking up and trust you're not alone. Not for one second. Not in the moments of anger or the moments of quiet stillness that leave you feeling empty and alone.

Even when you can't see the hope and all you see are obstacles – have faith to let it go and trust that the pain you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming.

There is such amazing wisdom in our online group. If you're interested in joining us – we would LOVE to have you. You get immediate access after you purchase any one of the programs. And because the group is secret, none of your friends and family will be able to tell you're a member or see your posts.

You might be feeling angry or like your life is out of control sometimes.

You are mad at yourself for staying with your partner.

And you can hate him or her at times when they break your heart because once again you trusted them and once again he or she lied.

But you don't really hate your partner. You love him or her. Deeply. If you didn't love them, you wouldn't care. That's why you feel so angry.

A girlfriend of mine from college is married to one of my favorite men in the world, who happens to be a recovering alcoholic. He told her, "We hate ourselves enough for everyone. You don't need to hate us too."

Whatever is in your heart determines what you say. You know who said that? Jesus.

And it's so true.

Most of the time we can attempt to muster up all the willpower in the world to control our anger, but it's not enough. We still end up yelling, guilt-tripping, lecturing, and letting loose on our loved one.

Who wouldn't when you live with this kind of craziness?

But, if you want to let go of your anger, you must change what's in your heart.

Trying to control your anger or shove it down will only leave you feeling resentful.

Replace anger with empathy and compassion.

He or she could love you to the moon and back, but it doesn't change the fact that they're still sick.

I know what you are thinking…

My partner can be awful to me. Distant. Verbally abusive. Manipulative. Neglectful. Deceitful.

And that's not okay. You deserve better. But you are choosing to be with him or her today.

If you want to stay in a relationship with him or her (and even if you don't), forgiving them and forgiving yourself for loving them is the fastest way to let go of anger. Be gentle and kind to yourself.

My girlfriend's husband once asked her to "love him when he least deserves it because that's when he really needs it."

It's the only way to change what's in your heart and lose the anger.

If you're ready to make your healing as important as your partner's sobriety – we are waiting for you. Our programs are online, confidential, and you have lifetime access – so you can do them at your own pace.

Wife of an Alcoholic podcast is a new community for women who love an alcoholic or substance abuser who may or may not be attending Al anon.