Love Over Addiction

Talking with your kids about addiction is extremely important. Your children are a lot wiser and perceptive than you think. They might not know drinking, drugs, pornography, or infidelity are going on under your roof, but they know when things don't feel right.

But you might be wondering...

How do we communicate without worrying them? How do we tell them the truth without upsetting our partners? What should we share and what should we leave out?

Inside the Love Over Mistakes program, you'll learn how to communicate with your children. We cover what to say and how to avoid feeling guilty or worried about their future if you decide to leave or to stay.

The advice you'll hear in the Love Over Mistakes program goes for children of all ages, so even if your kids are older or even out of the house, you'll still learn some helpful tools that will bring you great peace.

Loving someone who is suffering from this disease causes trauma on all of us. It's a family disease. But let's not lose hope. There are many blessings that our children can experience while loving someone suffering from addiction.

Today, I am sharing some helpful tips that we don't cover in the Love Over Mistakes program. These were sent to me from my sister-in-law who is a doctor of child psychology in New York City. I think you will find them very helpful. These tips were pulled from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network - an organization that has many great resources and I highly recommend.

Here are 8 tips to help children of alcoholics or substance abusers:

1. Each child reacts differently. Understand that reactions to trauma vary widely from child to child. Children may regress, demand extra attention, or think about their own needs before those of others. These are natural responses should not be met with anger or punishment.

2. Remember that the presence of a sensitive, nurturing, and predictable adult is one of the most important factors to children's well-being.

3. Create a safe environment where basic needs (shelter, food, and clothing) are met and where routines exist to provide children with a sense of safety and predictability.

4. Keep children busy. Boredom can intensify negative thoughts and behaviors, but children are less likely to experience distress when they play and interact regularly.

5. Limit children's exposure to images and descriptions of the trauma (e.g. in media and adult conversation). Talk with children about what they see and hear.

6. Make sure that adults and other caregivers receive the necessary attention, support, and care. Seek professional help if a child's difficulties do not improve.

7. Find age-appropriate ways for children to help. Even when very young, children benefit from being able to make a positive difference in others' lives while learning important lessons about empathy, compassion, and gratitude.

8. Emphasize hope and positivity. Children need to feel safe, secure, and positive about their present and future. Seeing and hearing stories of people helping people in difficult times is both healing and reassuring.

I hope you found these eight tips helpful. I know it can feel exhausting when you're worried about the one you love getting sober and how their poor choices affect your children. But have hope - good things will come out of this. I promise.

If you're looking for hope, consider joining the Love Over Mistakes program. We are here for you. Every step of the way.

Do you ever feel angry because the one you love has an issue with drugs, drinking, pornography, gambling, or sex? I bet if you were being honest with yourself you would say, "Yes, I do feel angry sometimes."

Now, let me ask you another question: Do you feel guilty about feeling angry? When you deal with anger, do you turn into an out-of-control crazy lady saying things that you regret later? Or do you continue with the act of being "nice" and just shove, shove, shove it down further and further inside until you can almost pretend you've forgotten about it?

Anger for women is a tricky subject. I was listening to a podcast the other day and a famous author said she wrote one paragraph in her book about anger and received more criticism and attention about that paragraph than any other part of the book (and this was a New York Times best-seller).

The other author on the call (who is also mega-famous) said when she had the courage to talk about her anger, she lost a lot of readers who refused to buy her books. And these women have a predominately female audience.

So why are we so angry when women express anger? Why is this an emotion that we're afraid to talk about?

Unless we're robots, anger is a natural emotion and it especially makes an appearance in our lives on a regular basis if we are being lied to, manipulated, or hurt by the disease of addiction. Anger is a very important emotion for us to pay attention to.

Dr. Harriet Lerner discusses this theory in her book about anger called The Dance of Anger. The very first paragraph helps us understand the importance of anger. She writes:

"Anger is a signal worth listening to. Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right. Our anger may tell us that we are not addressing an important emotional issue in our lives, or that too much of our self - our beliefs, values, desires, or ambitions - is being compromised in a relationship. Our anger may be a signal that we are doing more and giving more than we can comfortably do or give. Our anger may warn us that others are doing too much for us, at the expenses of our own competence and growth. Just as physical pain, anger preserves the very integrity of our self. Our anger can motivate us to say 'no' to the ways in which we are defined by others and 'yes' to the dictates of our inner self."

Don't you just love that? I think it's so helpful because it shows us that anger isn't something we need to feel ashamed about. It's not an emotion we need to ignore. It's a warning signal. It's our insides letting us know that something isn't right.

Now that we have an understanding that anger isn't something to feel guilty about, we need to talk about how to deal with our feelings of anger.

In Dr. Lerner's book, she talks about how women are dismissed or called irrational when we show our anger. Has the one you love dismissed your anger when you're upset because they have been making hurtful choices? Have they told you that you were being irrational or dramatic?

So how do you handle your anger? Do you have a pattern of lashing out or do you suppress? Do you cry and breakdown or shut off and walk out? Do you give the silent treatment or are you passive aggressive?

If you are not handling feelings of anger in a healthy way, starting a new pattern can be super helpful.

Here are some steps to start practicing next time something comes up that triggers your anger:

Start by asking yourself: How do I feel about this? What do I want? What do I believe? How do I want this to change in my future? Check yourself before reacting. Get a clear head and a clear understanding of why you're feeling angry. Take a break to take inventory.

Approach your loved one when they are sober. There is no sense in talking to them about your feelings when they are trying to numb theirs. Wait until they are sober, clear-headed, and able to receive your feelings.

When you do choose to share your anger, make sure you're in a calm and controlled state of mind and heart. I am not saying you need to disguise your anger, but you do need to be in control of it.

Make it clear how you feel and why you feel that way but don't hang on to their reaction. You're expressing your frustrations because you think it's important to give your feelings a voice. You're making space and respecting your warning sign that something isn't sitting right with you. But don't expect change when you're dealing with addiction. This exercise is for you and your mental and spiritual health.

Walk away if they are not respectful. Be prepared for defensiveness if they can't receive your feelings. That's okay. You accomplished your goal of communicating your anger in a respectful and dignified way. You cherished your own feelings by giving them a voice. Congratulate yourself and choose to end the conversation if your loved one isn't ready to hear you. You can still celebrate your victory.

The fact that you read this is the very reason why I can tell you this: no matter what happens to the one you love, you will be okay. You have a desire to get healthy. You are open-minded and ready to change. And I am so proud of you my sister.

If you found this helpful, we have three courses that could change your life (and your relationship) PLUS a Secret Facebook Group filled with women just like you (so you will never feel lonely again). Click here to learn more.

When I was married to a good man who struggled with addiction, one of my biggest battles was comparing my marriage to my friends', family's, and even strangers' relationships.

There was one evening when I was on a date night with my husband. waiting to be seated at a Italian restaurant. I was nervous that he was going to order a drink because, as you know, one drink leads to two that leads to three and then there's no stopping and the night is ruined.

I watched another couple walk by who were laughing and holding hands. They looked happy and ready to have a good time with each other.

I remember thinking, "I bet she doesn't have to worry if he's going to get drunk. He looks so responsible. He probably tells the truth and comes home when he says he will. I bet they take lots of vacations together and have a cute house. She probably does crafts with the kids and makes Halloween costumes by hand. I bet she even works out everyday with him. They probably go to the gym together. And he looks like the kind of guy who volunteers to coach Little League. He's so dependable."

Have you ever done this?

I had made up their entire story in my head and it sounded so much better than my own reality. And maybe I was right about some of those characteristics of their relationship and maybe I wasn't.

Have you ever thought that someone has it "all together,' only to get to know them and realize they struggle with things just like you do?

You love someone who has a disease. You could be the most perfect woman in the world, but it wouldn't change the fact the one you love has to deal with their addiction.

It can be really easy to be resentful and insecure about the chaos that's going on around you thanks to your partner's drinking, drugs, pornography, or gambling issues.

But do you really think there's a couple out there who doesn't have problems?

Comparing Your Relationship With a Healthy Couple

Try to think of one relationship you know that is perfect. Do you have them in mind? Now ask yourself - would you be happy in that relationship? Take a moment to really let yourself think of someone who you compare yourself with and imagine yourself in a relationship with the person you're envious of.

My guess would be no - you wouldn't be as happy as you would want to be. That couple that seems to have it all together might not match your values or lifestyle. They might not be as funny or as adventurous as you would prefer. They might work too much or too little or they raise their children with a different parenting style.

Their version of a happy relationship is different from yours. They found what they needed in a partner but that doesn't mean that partner is right for you.

The real questions you need to be asking instead of comparing are:

Am I with someone who makes me happy? Is this person respecting me? Are they truthful with me? Are they kind to me?

Comparison is a trap. Pay attention to your own needs and feelings and don't worry about other people's relationships. If you're not getting what you need from your partner, it might be time to evaluate your future.

But don't leave because you think someone else has it better and you want what they have. If you're thinking about ending your relationship, make sure it's because you took the time to answer the questions I just asked you.

Comparing Your Relationship With an Unhealthy Couple

Another trap we fall into when we love someone suffering from addiction is listening to other women's stories and telling ourselves we don't have it that bad.

The truth is, someone always has it better and worse than you. There will be women whose loved ones have done far more hurtful things than the one you love.

Maybe the one you love didn't go to jail or never screams at you. Maybe they "just" drink alcohol and don't do drugs. Maybe they are still making good money and didn't lose their jobs.

All of that can be true. And you can listen to other women's stories and feel incredibly grateful you're not experiencing their issues.

On the other hand, you can also use it as an excuse to stay stuck and justify settling for neglect, disrespect, or abuse.

The questions you need to be asking instead of comparing are:

Am I in a healthy relationship? If my loved one never changes, can I live with him or her the rest of my life? Do I feel loved and cherished most days?

The goal of these questions is to take personal inventory of your feelings and values and stop judging your relationship based on someone else's. What is okay for you might not be for them. And what works for them might not work for you.

The bottom line is that most of us are in love with good people who are covered up by this disease. It's okay if you are struggling right now. We will make it through this season, we just need to check in with ourselves and stop comparing.

If you found these tips helpful, there are plenty more practical ways we can help ourselves and the ones we love. We don't need to stay stuck and unhappy. There are better answers. Click here to take a look at one of our programs.

The word surrender is used a lot in the world of addiction. One of the things that always bothered me was that I was constantly being told that I needed to let go and surrender, but I never really understood how.

The word surrender to me means letting go of my emotional investment in a certain outcome.

So what's the opposite of surrendering?

Controlling.

Let me ask you a question, and I promise it's just you and me so you can keep it real and honest. We don't do judgment in this safe community of ours.

Would you consider yourself a controlling person?

Do you put forth a lot of effort to get an outcome that you think is beneficial to your situation?

When you are told no, are you the type of person who is determined to make it a yes?

Do you run a situation over and over in your mind, trying to figure out how you can get someone to do whatever it is you think is best?

Let's make it even more specific. If you love someone suffering from the disease of addiction do you:

Track your loved one's location most of the time? Look for liquor or beer bottles? Mark their bottles to see how much they have been drinking? Text them when you think they are up to no good? Lecture them when they come home late? Nag them about chores or responsibilities? Micromanage their schedule? Feel anxious if you don't know where they are or how much they have had to drink? Get other people to talk them into getting sober? Research helpful resources about sobriety and send them links or bring up your findings with the intention of convincing them they need help? Try your best to meet their every need so they won't drink or use drugs? Exhaust yourself with the expectation that everything needs to be perfect? Love them so hard that letting them go seems so unbearable that you hold on even tighter? End up in a rage because everything you've tried isn't working?

If you said yes to even one of these questions, my sister, you are not alone. Welcome. We are your people. We get it. I could have answered yes to every single one of those questions during different times in my life.

And you want to know why you said yes to one or more of those questions? Fear. You're afraid. You are scared that this disease is going to break apart your family and take away the one you love.

You are holding on with both hands as tightly as you can because the idea of losing your loved one scares you.

So you fight for control. You do the opposite of surrender.

When chaos happens in your life because of this disease, you dig deeper, looking for solutions. You are an overachiever. So you try harder. You read one more self-help book, you make the house even cleaner, you try harder at work, or insist the kids behave even better.

You find an area in your life that you can control and you push harder.

And then what happens? All this effort - where has it gotten you?

There are certain areas of your life where all this effort pays off. Places where your determination and grit has clearly worked in your favor.

For example:

If you are controlling with your diet and exercise I bet your body is thanking you.

If you have placed control over your child's screen time and determined what they can watch and for how long, that's a benefit to your children.

Control is not always bad. In fact, it's necessary for the success in our lives.

But, there are some areas where surrendering is the healthiest choice. And I have a feeling you know what I am about to tell you…

Surrendering control over our loved one's addiction is a good thing. Not only for us but for them.

Remember those questions I asked you? It's not mentally, spiritually, or physically beneficial for us to say yes to any of them. We must let go of trying to control a grown adult. If the one you love is above the age of 18 - surrendering their future is key to your healing.

And the good news is that surrendering is very simple. Just stop making the choices to get in their lane. Stay in yours. Keep yourself busy with your healing and recovery.

Let's make it even more specific. If you love someone suffering from the disease of addiction this is what surrendering looks like:

Stop tracking your loved one's location most of the time. Let them go where they want to when they want to.

Stop looking for their hiding spots and keeping track of how much they have had to drink.

If you think they are making bad choices, don't reach out to them. Get busy doing something you enjoy.

Go to bed and don't worry when they come home. You can sleep in a different room if you like.

Make a list of chores you would like done and post it on the fridge. Tell them you would love for these to get done and then keep a quiet mouth. If they don't do them, hire someone. If you can't afford that, try doing it yourself or letting it go.

Manage your own schedule. Eat when you want to eat. Go out when you want to go out.

Take a deep breath or two or three. Tell yourself that you are a grown adult in love with another grown adult and that healthy relationships do not require micromanaging. You will eventually find out where they have been and what they have been doing.

Please don't ask people to talk to your loved one about their sobriety. That's manipulating. Your friends and family will talk to them if they feel that's appropriate. No need to push.

Next time you Google, look up something that you're interested in. It could be a new hobby, a vacation, or images for your dream board (we talk a lot more about dream boards in our Love Over Addiction program).

You don't need to try to be perfect. The only thing you need to try harder at is loving yourself. Spend some alone time every day with God and ask to be reminded how loved and lovely you are.

If you spend too much time trying to fix everything around you so your loved one won't drink, use drugs, cheat, or look at porn, you are wasting your time. Let things become imperfect - it will have no effect on their bad habits.

The next time you think of doing something kind for them, stop and do something kind for yourself. I'm not telling you to be selfish. But they know you love them. Do you love yourself? Be compassionate and ask yourself, "What do I need right now?" And then go do it.

Anger is a real emotion when you love someone suffering from this disease. Expect it. Let it happen. Don't fight it. Acknowledge it. Then let it pass through you. It's okay to make time to be alone for this process.

Their addiction has nothing to do with how well put together your life is. It's their battle to fight. Love them, support them, and give them consequences and boundaries.

If you're looking for encouragement, answers, and healing - we have just the program for you. Click here to learn more about our programs and to join our Secret Facebook Group filled with loving and supportive women just like you.

New Year's Eve is a night of the year that painfully reminds us of the unique relationship of loving someone who drinks too much or has substance abuse issues.

Here are four tips that will help make this holiday a little easier:

Be kind and compassionate with yourself.

Don't worry if other people are judging you because of your partner's disease. You are a beautifully created, loving woman. Your self-worth needs to come from God, not your friends or family members. Don't compare your normal with other people's normal. They may not be in love with someone suffering from this disease, but I promise you that their partner is not perfect either.

Walk away.

It might be a good idea if you need to leave the room or leave the party – with or without them. Or, choose to skip the party have a cozy evening in with a great book or your favorite movie and some popcorn. Bottom line: create some distance between you and this disease if you need to.

Do not own their embarrassing behavior.

Do not apologize for your partner's actions and bad behavior. He or she is an adult who needs to make their own apologies. If they are slurring, being inappropriate, or rude, don't make excuses for them. Let the bottom fall out. It might be the best thing that ever happened to them.

Do not lecture them the next morning.

You don't need to remind them of their awful choices. He or she already knows. Yelling or giving the silent treatment the morning after will just make them resent you and make you feel guilty.

You are dignified and courageous. You can and will speak with kindness and strength. And if you feel like you just can't control yourself - leave for an hour or two or make yourself busy with something that brings you joy.

It's okay to let them know if they ask how they behaved the night before. But no amount of shaming or trying to convince them how bad they were will change anything. They know there's a problem - they are just not willing to do anything about it yet.

I know these are difficult steps, but I believe that you can do it! You are not alone and I am here cheering you on! Don't let this disease bring you down. You deserve a fun New Year's Eve - if they are sober or not.

If you haven't joined us in one of our programs and you want to find answers, hope, and happiness, what are you waiting for? Click here to check out the details. Our programs are offered for just $25 a month. If they are spending money on their bad habits, making an investment in your family's future is a better choice, don't you think?

Holidays… when you're married to a man who drinks too much or suffers from addiction they can be difficult, can't they?

You're hoping for the best. You're praying they will stay sober so you can have a beautiful, warm, and loving holiday.

Maybe you're planning on visiting with family and they don't have any idea how bad things have got at home. Or perhaps you have children and you just want their father to be the loving dad they deserve.

I know exactly how you feel. When I was married to a wonderful guy who struggled with this disease, I had really high expectations for the holidays. I decorated the house, cooked delicious food, or sometimes, if I was busy, I would purchase some delicious food, and I would invite my family over to celebrate and have fun.

But during all my planning, I was feeling nervous. In the back of my mind, I was worried that he wouldn't stay sober and my big plans to have a lovely and happy holiday would be ruined.

And, the truth is, my reality was far different than the dreamy holiday I had fantasized about. There was drinking and drug use, sometimes even days before the actual holiday.

I remember during Christmas, I would see my father carving the turkey and my husband just sitting on the couch with a beer, completely in his own world and think, "Why aren't you enjoying this holiday with us? This could be so wonderful if you just put down the drink and engage with the ones who love you."

It made no sense.

And that's an excellent place for us to begin with this holiday guide:

This disease makes no sense. Here are three tips to help make your holiday happier:

1. Stop trying to understand the why. They are sick, and this disease makes no sense, and that's all you need to understand. The sooner you surrender trying to understand why they act up, the faster your healing begins.

Think about it: Who would choose to feel wasted over feeling the love their family has to offer?

Who would choose to feel a fake kind of joy that drugs or alcohol make them feel, over the real joy of laughing with your loved ones?

Who would choose mind-numbing drugs over receiving the warm love of a spouse?

Someone who is sick. Someone who's out of control and who has a disease.

And the more you try to understand the reason why they make these unhealthy choices, the more frustrated you will become.

2. Have a plan if they refuse to leave the house.

When you're planning your holiday and you're wondering: "What do I cook, who should I invite over, or where should we go?" Or if you're invited to an event or meeting up with friends, I want you to include a backup plan if they start to drink or use drugs.

In other words, what are you going to do if they start acting up? You might be thinking, "I don't know what to do, Michelle."

And I don't want you to worry because I'm going to offer you some helpful suggestions if they refuse to leave and you have plans to go out.

If they start to drink before a holiday party or event you're excited about attending, you have a choice.

You can leave the house without them and have a good time.

Here's what you're not going to do: you're not going to make the unhealthy choice to cancel your plans if they refuse to go.

You're a courageous woman. You can go somewhere without your loved one. You have excellent social skills and people enjoy talking with you. You will be surprised how much fun you can have if you leave them at home.

Think about it: you won't need to constantly look across the room and worry if they've had another drink. You won't feel embarrassed about their slurred words or awkward behavior.

The only person you will be responsible for is you (and maybe your children if they are attending).

You can do it! I know you can. I promise you're more capable than you give yourself credit for.

Even if you have just 5 minutes of fun, it will be better than wasting the evening staying at home upset and disappointed he made his bad choices again.

3. Have a plan if they start drinking too much or using drugs when you're out.

So let's say you're at the holiday party and they may or may not have promised to not drink or use drugs. You're grateful they're getting out of the house, and you don't want to nag or start an argument, so you mention how worried you are they will act up.

And then, you see them start to drink. Your throat begins to tighten and you feel like you've been punched in the gut. You're devastated.

But here's the great news, you don't need to lose hope. You're not powerless over this disease. You can take a deep breath and remember: you're a strong, capable woman. This is just one evening and you can handle it. You have choices.

You can leave the party without them - call a cab or ask a friend to drive you home.

Say nothing when you're out in public and make a promise to yourself that next time, you will not agree to attend an event with them if there's drinking or it's at a bar.

One warning: if you chose this option to stay out with them and say nothing, make sure you get the car keys. Do NOT get in the car if they refuse to hand you the keys and are under the influence. You're not only risking your life, but you could also be putting yourself at risk to be a part of a serious accident. If they refuse to give you the keys, take option one and find another ride home.

I am here to tell you, my wonderful sweet friend, that you're not alone. There are thousands of us out there dealing with the same issue, and you don't need to stay feeling stuck.

By exercising these choices, you're choosing to do something about this disease. You're not just letting it happen to you.You're giving them consequences and you're growing into the courageous, loving woman you were made to be.

It might seem scary or uncomfortable, but real change never happens when we are repeating old behaviors. I promise you can do it. Have faith in yourself and believe that God made you with so much more courage than you even realize.

You've got this. I am right here for you. You're not alone.

For parents of alcoholics or substance abusers:

It's not your fault. You're a great mother. Otherwise, you wouldn't be reading this. You care about your child. You love them. And I know you would do anything to get them sober. You must believe you did nothing to cause this.

So if you're worried about their drinking or drug use and the idea of spending time without them this holiday season is too much, here are a few tips just for you:

If they have too much to drink or they come over to celebrate, make a deal with yourself - this is the last holiday you will invite them over to.

When they have been sober for six months and shown consistent, respectful behavior you will extend an invitation, but until then, this is the last time their toxic lifestyle will be allowed in your presence.

I know this seems hard and perhaps even cruel, but your child needs consequences for their choices. I am giving you permission to relieve yourself of guilt for not including them. You are actually making a tough decision for their benefit.

By doing this, you're helping your child. They need to see that this kind of behavior will not be welcome nor tolerated.

You don't need to be mad or upset when you tell them. You need to be secure in your delivery and say something like, "I love you dearly and I miss you. I miss the best part of you. The child I know you were created to be. A sober, responsible, and honest person. And until they are around full time, I am sorry, but you are no longer welcome. I'll be waiting."

Or you can say "I love you so much and you need help. Until you consistently get help and are responsible, honest, and sober, I can no longer be around you. Your recovery is your responsibility now. It's up to you"

By continually bailing them out, you're enabling them. You think you're doing it out of love, but it's actually causing more of the same destructive patterns. We talk a lot more about this in the Love Over Mistakes program, and you can find out more about that at TheLoveOverWay.com.

But for now, my biggest tip is to set the healthy boundary in place that the only people you will be celebrating the holiday with are the ones who are not currently struggling with addiction issues.

The Love Over Addiction, Love Over Boundaries, and Love Over Mistakes programs could be the greatest gift this season that will help you find your joy, offer you practical tips, and make you feel like a giant weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

Here's a post that came from our Secret Facebook Group that is full of THE most loving and encouraging friends. There are over 800 women waiting to lift you up and cheer you on.

I think you'll find one of our sister's personal story a tremendous encouragement.

Recently, I had a falling out with both my mother (who abandoned me twice and is a narcissist and a dry drunk) and my sister in law (meddling, critical, and a highly suspicious dry drunk).

Clearing my expectations, hopes, and wishes regarding others is a radical experience. It seems that by telling others how I feel with honesty and authenticity and practicing honoring my boundaries has the effect of allowing them to respond in the same incomprehensibly mean, judgemental, defensive way as ever before.

My alcoholic husband is not the root of my trouble. But I can weather the storms of my life so much better with him as a partner, not an anchor, in the storm.

Today, he is so much more a partner than an anchor.

Yes, it's work to set a boundary, to announce it, and to enforce it, but it is so much lighter a load than keeping my feelings bottled up, keeping secrets, and carrying around hurts, hopes, and expectations.

Before this course, I did not know what boundaries were.

Without them, I had no defenses to keep me safe. I relied on others (most of whom are ill-equipped or hurt me regularly) to keep watch.

Now, thanks to Michelle Lisa Anderson, I can say, "I will speak up with kindness and dignity to share how other people's behavior makes me feel."

My reason?

Keeping silent about anger or hurt is as much of a lie as hiding love or gratitude. "I release what does not serve me," and it doesn't serve me to be a silent doormat.

Love Over Addiction has helped me love myself more than I am afraid of my husband's addiction. It has helped me love myself more than I fear my mother's rejection. It has helped me love my son enough to teach him to stand up for himself.

I'm proud of myself for doing the work. I'm proud of so many of my sisters in this group, too. Most of all, I love this program and MLA for making it for us.

Isn't this amazing? Can you hear the hope and strength in her writing? She did the work and she started out just like you.

It's the holidays, and it's time to give yourself the gift of recovery and hope just like my friend in the Secret Facebook Group.

If you're feeling lonely, we are here for you. You don't have to be alone. We will help you and encourage you with real practical answers. I hope you join us in one of the programs.

Because this post is so good, it only needs a short introduction from me in addition to saying it's written by one of the women in our Love Over Addiction Secret Facebook Group. I know you'll find hope in her story. Enjoy!

If someone had told me a year ago that 2017 would be the year I found true happiness, I would've been hopeful, but not very trusting or optimistic.

If someone had told me that in 2017 I would be given the opportunity to travel across the country and visit places I had only ever dreamed about, I would've thought they were crazy.

If someone had told me a year ago that within the next year I would meet and marry a kind, generous, loving, successful, educated, adventurous, non-alcoholic man, I would've bet $1 million they were dead wrong. And I would've lost.

One year ago, I felt hopeless. I felt like a failure. The man I loved so very much didn't love himself, and I couldn't change it. Lord knows I tried. I refused to accept reality because it differed so greatly from what I wanted it to be.

But there was a plan bigger than my own.

In December 2016, my alcoholic gave me the gift of infidelity. Yes, I said gift. It was truly the best Christmas present I never knew I wanted. It was my final straw.

And let me be very clear, I was devastated. I was in shock. Utterly and completely shattered. I wanted to run back to him so very badly. I was scared to death.

The hardest part about ending that relationship was my fear of the unknown. I didn't know what would happen next - with me, my two daughters, or with him. It was terrifying. To say that I finally accepted reality or trusted God's plan would be a complete lie. The only thing I knew for sure was that I didn't want to live like that anymore.

Thanks to the support, reassurance, and lessons from Love Over Addiction and the kind, loving, beautiful women in this group, I stumbled through those first two months of grief.

I held my ground and my head began to lift. It was not easy. I can honestly say it was the most difficult thing I have ever been through. But I am here to tell you, it is possible.

Doors began opening immediately. Opportunities and situations that I thought only existed in romantic comedies and fairy tales were suddenly present in my own life.

I swore off dating for one year. I knew I needed time to heal. That was my plan (because y'all know we're always planning how things should happen in our lives).

I never imagined His plan would be so much better than mine.

I joined my local gym back in August 2016 after yet another traumatic, short-term "break" from long-term my alcoholic boyfriend. I had zero expectations but knew my goal was to run a local half marathon the following spring.

The running class was scheduled to begin January 4, 2017. My relationship ended suddenly and unexpectedly on Dec 27. I really just wanted to lie in bed and cry on January 4th, but something made me get up and go.

I had already committed to it and I was tired of my alcoholic boyfriend's antics ruining my plans. I went faithfully twice a week until the race in early March. I finished my very first half marathon and felt a sense of pride for that accomplishment.

My running coach was kind and professional. He was also very proud of each one of us in the class. I won't lie, he was also handsome. But a relationship wasn't in plan, and I tried my best to ignore any spark between us.

By April it was undeniable. He asked me on a date, and I thought, "Why not?" He was a true gentleman and we had a phenomenal time. He even paid for our date! I certainly wasn't used to that!

I always heard that when you meet "the one," you just know.

I never understood that until now. It truly is this unconditional love.

It's a non-circumstantial, comfortable feeling of love and trust. No matter what I do or say or how I act, this man loves me and I love him. I don't fear him leaving me in the middle of the night if my kids act up.

I don't fear him cheating on me if I don't want to have sex at the exact moment he does.

I don't fear that he could stop loving me at any moment.

I don't feel the need to check his phone or look for his hiding places.

To put it simply, it's easy. It's what I always envisioned "normal life" to be.

We decided there was no reason to wait to spend forever together. He proposed on June 24th, and we went to a local courthouse on July 14th.

Some people probably think we're crazy and that it was "too soon," but I can't explain the feeling of fate. I have never been happier. And not because he makes me happy, but because I am finally happy with myself.

I took a girls trip to Zion National Park in June without having to worry about whether or not he would drink too much.

We are going to San Francisco next month for our honeymoon. He is surprising my girls with a trip to New York City for Christmas. So many opportunities I never dreamed possible.

I credit Michelle Lisa Anderson and all you lovely ladies for helping me reach that point, but, ultimately, my life turned 180 degrees because I made a difficult, terrifying decision.

It was up to me to take that leap. Just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I was wearing the ruby slippers the entire time - I just didn't know what to do with them.

I'll end this story with a small piece of unsolicited advice (sorry, sometimes I just can't help myself).

If you are waiting for your next move to be painless, seamless, or easy, you will never move.

It is very painful. It is terrifying. It is difficult.

But most importantly, it is not only possible, but it is beyond rewarding.

My journey is just that… my journey. My ex-alcoholic boyfriend's journey is his journey. I truly believe that his journey intertwined with mine for a purpose.

I learned so many things about myself that I never would've known without being in a relationship with an alcoholic.

When I began to trust my thoughts and feelings, I realized I was valid and important. I began to see that his journey and my journey were different, and that was okay. That was the reality.

I have no idea where my ex is or what he is doing. It doesn't matter. I sincerely wish him the best. I am thankful for the five-plus years we spent together.

I believe he was placed in my life as an opportunity for me to grow, learn, practice humility, experience and give grace, and become the best possible version of myself.

I am not encouraging you to leave your alcoholic. I am not pretending to understand your circumstances, because all of our circumstances are similar yet completely different.

Wherever your journey takes you, I want you to know you are worthy of love and respect. Love and respect yourself with every fiber of your being and life begins to look a lot brighter. There's a plan for you that's bigger than your imagination.

What an incredible, inspiring story. Does it bring tears to your eyes? Hope to your heart? I hope it impacted you as profoundly as it did me.

If you haven't joined Love Over Addiction, we'd absolutely love to have you. Whether you stay with your alcoholic or not, we are here for you and a rewarding life is waiting for you!

How do you trust your partner again? Can it ever be possible? Or will you always worry and constantly be waiting for the other shoe to drop?

Trusting again is entirely possible. You can, and you should, trust the one you are planning on spending the rest of your life with. If you can't trust them, you'll end up exhausted from the constant anxiety that they will disappoint you again.

So how do you get to a place where you can relax in peace and finally trust the one who has hurt you and lied to you about their drinking, drug use, cheating, or pornography?

You watch, you don't listen. You open your eyes and you close your ears.

This disease knows how to say exactly what will help it get away with anything. It knows your buttons and just the right one to push to get you to deny your gut or make you believe that you're crazy and there is nothing to be upset about.

Don't allow someone to make you feel guilty for not trusting right out rehab. I think that's almost impossible. There hasn't been enough time loving you in the real world to gain trust.

But you're a smart woman. And you can sense when something is wrong. Don't be manipulated.

I could always tell just from the way he said "hello" when he had been drinking. My stomach would just feel like it was being punched. My throat would sometimes close up or my heart would sink.

So from now on, next time he promises that he won't drink anymore, don't listen. Wait and watch to see if his actions line up with that.

If he says he isn't going to go to the bar after work, ignore it. And wait to see what he actually does after work.

What about the computer screen that he looks at late at night that he swears will never show pictures or videos of naked women again? Nod your head, but let his promises pass right through you. And see if he sneaks into the office again.

Now let's be super clear about something: I'm not giving you permission to wait around the house and monitor his behavior. That wouldn't be healthy, would it?

I am saying stop paying attention to the words from someone who has a history of lying to you.

Don't hang onto his promises and get your heart broken because you believed him.

Wait to see what his actions prove.

I spoke to a woman whose husband is making it very easy for her to trust him again. He comes home clean and sober when he says he's going to be home.

Her husband makes attending his meetings the biggest priority in his life. He chooses not to miss one no matter what comes up.

He is so passionate about his sobriety that he is choosing to mentor young men.

That is an example of a man who is working hard to regain his wife's trust. And it's working. Because he's consistent. He has not had six relapses in six weeks.

Trust only works with consistency and time. If he's relapsed, give yourself permission to relapse with your trust.

If you haven't joined us in one of our programs and you want to find answers, hope, and happiness, what are you waiting for? Click here to check out the details. Our programs are offered for just $25 a month. If your partner is spending money on their bad habits, making an investment in your family's future is a more valuable choice, don't you think?

Are you worried about your partner drunk driving?

When you ask them for the keys, do they refuse?

Do they try to convince you that they are fine?

They might tell you they have spread out their drinking over the night, or that they only had beer and not liquor. Or perhaps they are abusing drugs and you can tell they are high and shouldn't get behind the wheel.

A few months ago, I wrote a blog post and a podcast episode of the Wife Of An Alcoholic Podcast about DUI's that I think you might find helpful.

But what should you do if you're concerned about others on the road?

Are you stuck always having to drive them home (that is, if they let you)? And if they don't give you the keys, what would happen if someone got hurt?

I'm going to tell you what to do, but I want to warn you first. You're not going to love my answer. It's going to be difficult for you. But your uncomfortable decision could save the life of the one you love and the innocent lives of others who are sharing the road with someone who legally should not be behind the wheel.

Are you ready for this loving truth?

Here's what you do... if you know he's been drinking and he refuses to give you the keys, the second he gets in the car you need to call the police. They don't have to know you're the one that called.

I know that sounds harsh, but you could be saving his life and the lives of many others on the road. If he gets into an accident, you could lose not just him, but things that are mutually in your name.

He will be arrested and maybe serve some jail time, but that could be the best thing that ever happened to him (and you).

I know this will be difficult and scary, but please consider setting this boundary. Consequences are necessary for the ones we love to sober.

Read more about my program, Love Over Boundaries here.