Love Over Addiction

When our loved one who's suffering from addiction treats us poorly by drinking after they promised not to, or using drugs when they JUST said this time they were getting sober for good, it can make us want to lash out, get defensive, or become unglued.

It's true! No one wants to admit that women can get angry, but this disease makes us feel that way. Anger is part of the package—let's just be real.

So how do we respond in a way that best serves us?

Today on LoveOverAddiction.com, I'm sharing my tips for communicating without saying a word.

Read our blog here: https://www.loveoveraddiction.com/how-to-express-your-feelings-without-arguing

If you want to learn more about the Love Over Addiction program, visit us at http://theloveoverway.com/programs/love-over-addiction/.

Every woman walking this earth should know her boundaries and understand how to enforce them because boundaries make us strong, powerful, and respected. This is imperative when you love someone suffering from any kind of addiction: alcohol, illegal drugs, prescription pills, pornography, or sex, among other things.

But many of us get this very necessary skill wrong. Today on the Love Over Addiction Podcast, you'll learn 3 tips for communicating boundaries.

Check out these highlights from the episode:

• Should you state your boundaries as a monologue or be very brief?
• Is it helpful to practice your boundaries before relaying them to your partner?
• What should you do if you're afraid of how your partner will react to your boundaries?

Read our blog at https://loveoveraddiction.com/2018/08/3-tips-for-communicating-boundaries/

If you want to learn more about the Love Over Boundaries program, visit us at https://loveoveraddiction.com/love-over-boundaries/

On this week's episode, Michelle shares two very personal stories about boundaries. And if you've been a part of our community for some time, you know boundaries are a necessary skill for every single woman on this planet, especially when you love someone suffering from any kind of addiction: alcohol, drugs (illegal or prescribed), gambling, pornography, or sex among other things.

Here's a sneak peek into the episode:

• How can you appropriately enforce boundaries in any circumstance?
• What happens when you state your boundary in a dignified manner?
• How will sticking to your boundaries prevent unnecessary stress and anxiety?

Read our blog at https://loveoveraddiction.com/2018/08/uncovering-truth-enforcing-boundaries/

If you want to learn more about the Love Over Addiction program, visit us at https://TheLoveOverWay.com/programs/love-over-addiction

Would you say that you struggle with resentment while loving someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction? In this episode, Michelle will teach you how to let go of the anger and resentment and tap into compassion.

Here are a few key points from the episode:

• Are your expectations in line with reality?
• Are you trying to do their work instead of your own?
• Have you tried putting yourself in your loved one's shoes?

Read our blog at https://loveoveraddiction.com/2018/06/how-to-find-compassion/

If you want to learn more about the Love Over Addiction program, visit us at https://TheLoveOverWay.com/programs/love-over-addiction

Michelle had the pleasure of interviewing financial expert and President & CEO of Francis Financial, Stacy Francis. She's a financial expert that specializes in working with women that love someone suffering from addiction. You can start making changes today in order to protect yourself, regardless of what stage of the relationship you're in.

Here's a sneak peek at what you'll hear in the interview:

• What does it mean to be financially independent?
• What is financial abuse?
• What steps do you need to take to feel confident, knowledgeable, and equally as in control of your finances as your partner?

Read our blog at https://loveoveraddiction.com/2018/07/financial-advice/

If you want to learn more about the Love Over Addiction program, visit us at http://TheLoveOverWay.com/programs/love-over-addiction

When you love someone suffering from addiction, any kind of addiction like alcohol, illegal drugs, prescription pills, gambling, pornography, or sex, among others, it's important to know your options. You deserve to be educated and be able to protect yourself in any situation.

Today we interview matrimonial lawyer Kara Bellew to discuss what the divorce process looks like. Even if you're choosing to stay and have no plans on leaving the one you love, we encourage you to listen to this episode and hear what Kara has to say.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• How to choose the right lawyer
• What to expect in your initial consultation with a divorce lawyer
• How to protect your children and what to expect your family dynamic to look like while going through separation or divorce

Read our blog at https://loveoveraddiction.com/tips-from-a-divorce-lawyer-if-youre-leaving-or-staying-with-your-partner-who-suffers-from-addiction/

If you want to learn more about the Love Over Addiction program, visit us at http://TheLoveOverWay.com/programs/love-over-addiction

Knowing when to stay quiet or speak up when you love someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction takes practice. Today Michelle is going to teach you when keeping quiet is your best choice.

Here are some of the topics we cover in this episode:

• Does nagging work?
• Should I wait until they're sober to speak to them?
• How should I handle an abusive situation?

Read our blog at https://loveoveraddiction.com/stay-quiet-or-speak-up-how-to-make-the-right-choice-when-dealing-with-addiction/

If you want to learn more about the Love Over Boundaries program, visit us at https://loveoveraddiction.com/love-over-boundaries/

Hey there. For those of you that missed last week's episode, you might be wondering, "Wait a second, what happened to the Wife of an Alcoholic Podcast?" We changed our name. And there is a lot of reasoning and a lot of thought behind that change. I encourage you to listen to last week's episode if you missed it.

Speaking of change, there is quite a bit of change going on, y'all. I have been so excited to announce this, and you might have seen this on the Love Over Addiction Instagram account or the Facebook page. And if you don't follow us, then please do. Because we have so many announcements and lots of wonderful tips, and we have some great ideas that are going to be posted on social media. You can find us at Love Over Addiction on Instagram and Facebook.

But, if you missed our posts, I want to tell you a quick story. And I'm going to warn you, this is a bit of a longer episode than normal. I promise that I will get to your free helpful tip, and I have a surprise for you at the end of this episode, so make sure that you stay tuned. But I want to tell you a story first.

I've been doing this for six years. No, maybe seven. I don't know, you guys. A long time. And I love it. I love it so much that I started to feel overwhelmed. I began to get to the point with this community where I really wasn't able to grow it the way that I felt like it needed to grow.

So I decided with my husband that either I would have to scale back, or I would have to blow it out. And we have a woman in our community named Kate who approached me several months ago and said, "Look, I work for a union, and I think that my members would really benefit from Love Over Addiction." This is the second largest union in the United States and Canada. Might even be the world. And when she told me that, I got, a) really nervous, and b) really excited.

But I knew that I couldn't even fathom that idea unless I had some help. Because you know how we always talk about self-care here? I knew that if I were to entertain the idea of helping that many women, on that kind of scale, I would no longer be able to have any sort of self-care or life, for that matter. I'm already working really long hours per day, and there just wasn't enough margin.

So when I was in the kitchen, talking to my husband about this, he said, "I know a guy you need to talk to." And he set up this meeting with this amazing man who is so full of wisdom and been part of the behavioral health and healthcare industry for many, many years. Super intelligent guy.

He's retired and does a lot of consulting for multi-million-dollar businesses.

So my husband, who is your biggest supporter and advocate, as is mine, set up this meeting with the three of us. And this guy sat across the table from me, and he said, "Look, I've read almost every single thing on your website, and I have to tell you, what you are doing is wonderful and could be very big. So you need to figure out what is the end game. Where do you want to take this? Jump to 10 years, 20 years from now. Where do you see this going?"

And I never had thought about that. For me, it's more like, I'm just going to take it day by day. And whatever you guys need and whatever I hear you talking about, I'm going to react to that. So I left that lunch with thoughts swirling and swirling and swirling. Then I sat down with my hubby and said, "Okay, what do you think we should do?" And he encouraged me. He said, "Michelle, I know the idea of growing this business is scary to you, and I know this opportunity with this union is really, really big, or could be really, really big. But think about all of the women that you could reach." And then he asked me, "Did you ever figure out what your goal was?" And I said, "You know what, I kind of did."

I was a little scared to tell him, but I said, "I want to be the number one brand that women think of when they think of addiction. I want to be the number one brand in the world." And not me, not Michelle, but Love Over Addiction. Our community. Our movement. I want women all over the world who are in pain, who are suffering, and who are feeling alone like I did over 10 years ago in my kitchen, looking at my husband, passed out, and going where, where are all the other women that are going through this? What are they doing? How can we bond and share tools and tips and laugh and not get depressed, and not talk badly about the ones we love? How can we find hope, and how can we find laughter and friendship through this? How can we turn addiction into something that is the best thing that ever happened to us? Where is that?

And so that's what I want. I want every woman in the world to know about us and that she has choices. That she is not powerless over this disease. I want us to become a giant movement. And that feels really scary to put out there to you, because it makes me feel really vulnerable, but that is my heart. That has always been the heart. That's what keeps me up at 2:00 in the morning when I'm thinking about what we need to learn, how we can improve, what we need to teach, and what we need to bring to light.

So he said, "Great. That sounds amazing. Write that down, first of all." Which, of course, I didn't. Because it's implanted like a tattoo on my heart. And then he said, "All right, then you need to get a company. You can't grow this off of you." And that even sounded better to me, because again, I'm being so real with you right now and I did not plan on sharing all of this with you before I started, but why not? We're a sisterhood. You're through the front door with me.

So as soon as he said a company, I felt a weight lifting off my shoulders. You know how when you make a really good decision, and it just feels perfect? And all of a sudden, you feel lighter. I have never, ever been comfortable with being the brand. Let me rephrase this because I don't want to make it sound like I'm lacking self-confidence. I'm definitely a feisty person that, when it comes to addiction, will speak up to anyone and talk about it with anybody. But I've never been really comfortable having the spotlight just on me. And building a business off of my name just doesn't sound right with my personality. It doesn't sit right with me. Now, for people like Tory Burch, absolutely. I don't know if there is a Lilly Pulitzer. I think there is. I think that's a real woman. Great. Those authors that you probably follow on Instagram, that works for them. But for me, that's just not been my personality.

So as soon as he said a company, I started to get excited. Because I knew that would mean taking the shift off of one person and really building a team. And really building a brand.

So, where does this leave us? I went away from that conversation with my hubby and thought about a team. And the more I thought about it, the more excited I got. Now, you all know Megan, and I love her to death. She's been with me for a couple months now, and she's fabulous. She manages the community, and she manages all my content. The most important thing she does is spell check everything because you know I have dyslexia, so yeah, when spell check doesn't recognize your words, you know that that's bad.

So I started to think about the women that I know in business, and the women that I admire in business. And there are two women in particular that I have worked with that I brag about all the time with Brian. These women are rock stars. They are powerhouses. They are probably the two most respectable businesswomen I have ever met. And they are wiser than me in so many areas. The problem was, one of them had her own business and had done an amazing job building up her own business. The second one worked for that other woman. And I said to Brian, "These two women are the only women I can think of." And he said, "All right, why don't you ask? Why don't you see if they will come do this with you, to build this movement together?"

So I flew one of them down. Her name is Brittany. And she had no idea that I was going to ask her for this. She thought I was bringing her down to help me talk business strategy. And she said yes. So she stepped away from her business and brought Jo with her. And Jo is one of my heroes who is truly the most organized, type A (in such a good way) woman. So Brittany is our new CEO. And Jo is our Director of Operations.

I am so excited because it feels real. Because it is. And it feels right. If we are going to really integrate ourselves in the world of addiction, we've got to have a team. So these are your new team members. These women love you. They've been working very closely with me for years. They know this business, and they know you inside out. They're inside our programs, and they're inside our community. And so it wasn't this huge process for them to get to know you guys, because they already had. They believe in our mission. And they believe we can actually make this happen.

So that is the big news. Now, what does this mean for you? Nothing. It doesn't mean anything. I'm still going to be hosting this podcast because my favorite thing to do is talk to you. I'm still going to be writing programs. I'm actually working on Love Over Addiction 2 right now. Now that they are on board, taking care of all of the operations and the back end, I am now free to write and dream up new content and research for you. So I will become even more available to you and coming up with all these great ideas for you because they are there taking care of the business side of business. So that's what it means to you.

And I really, really hope that you are as happy and as proud that two other amazing women are willing to join our movement and our team. 2018 is turning out to be a huge year. I have so much more to tell you, but I am going to try and sprinkle it throughout the process because I don't want to overwhelm you. And I need to get to your helpful tip, because of course, I would never just talk your ear off about this and not give you a helpful tip. And I told you, I promised you a surprise at the end of this podcast.

So today, we are going to be talking about whether you should you be quiet or speak up. That's a big topic, isn't it? So keeping a quiet mouth—can I tell you how impossible that feels to me at times? I have a reputation in my family as the one who isn't afraid to speak up. To call BS when I see it. I used to feel really ashamed of being very verbal. Or let me rephrase that. I was taught to feel ashamed for having a personality that someone could be considered too opinionated. For years, I would wish I was the kind, quiet girl who agreed. Who was more laid back, and worked things out in her head in her personal time, instead of confronting or having difficult conversations. But that, my friends, is not how God made me.

Although, I am 40 years old, and I have learned over the last 10 years, that being outspoken is good, but not all the time. Sometimes, it's necessary, and it serves us and others to have the courage to speak up. Look at the amazing examples of Rosa Parks and Maya Angelou. What if they had not used their strong voices? History would not have been made. Freedom would have been denied. And yet, I read that Rosa Parks, a seamstress, known to be the mother of the civil rights movement, for the most part, was a very quiet woman. And that's how I learned you can move mountains when you choose to use your voice in specific situations, and you can also be powerful and quiet.

When you love someone who drinks too much or suffers from addiction, there will be times when you need to use your strong, convicted voice. And we have many examples of that in the Love Over Boundaries program. But we also need to learn when keeping a quiet mouth is the best choice.

For example, nagging the one you love is a waste of your breath. Keep quiet. Your nagging will not change anything. It doesn't help them get sober, and it won't help you feel better. In fact, nagging probably does more harm than good.

Another example when keeping a quiet mouth is a good thing: If the one you love is on drugs or drunk, they aren't sober, so don't even bother spending a single ounce of your precious energy when they are not going to hear a word you are saying.

And one more example of when it's best to keep a quiet mouth: if they're being abusive. Now I know this is a hard one to hear. And a couple weeks ago, we talked about what verbal and physical abuse looks like. But we talk on this podcast about the issues that no one else wants to discuss. So hang in here with me, because this might apply to you.

If the one you love is being verbally or physically abusive, some of us might be tempted to fight back. I know I did for many years until I learned this technique. But that is like adding more gasoline to the fire. The best thing that you can do in an abusive situation is to leave. Get out of the house. Hang up the phone. Try to walk out of the room. Lock yourself behind a door if you can. Exit, and don't engage. Retreat to a safe place.

If you fight back with your hands or your words, you are putting yourself at great risk. If you know they are in a foul mood, give them space. Back away. Refusing to fight back is not being submissive or passive. It's being smart and mature. By learning when to keep a quiet mouth, you are growing into a wise woman. Biting my tongue, disengaging, and getting busy doing my own thing helped me keep a calmer, more stable environment for my kids and my marriage.

Each one of us needs to use the courage that lies within us to speak the truth and call BS when we see it. But, let's make sure we are thoughtful, intentional, and not reactionary when we do. If you are interested in learning when and how to approach the one you love, join our Love Over Boundaries program. We will walk you through the exact steps and give you the sentences you can say in case you feel stuck. Literally, the sentences. We have them all on several pieces of paper. You can print them out, and you can practice in your bathroom, looking in the mirror.

Now, I promised you a treat for staying with me that whole time. We have a freebie. So in the beginning, when I first started recording the podcast, I would give away freebies. You guys have spoken up, and you want more freebies. And we really want to please you. So we put together some freebies for you. It's not going to be every podcast, but this particular one. This is a guidesheet prompting you to create a list of things that you can do when you disengage from a situation and keep a quiet mouth.

In order to get your freebie, take out your phone, or maybe you're listening to this on your phone. And I want you to text POPQUIZ, all capital letters. POPQUIZ to the number 4-4-2-2-2.

Okay, so, I'm going to explain this because I needed someone else to explain this to me because I'm totally bad with technology. So instead of putting the name of the person you're going to text, you put the number, which is 4-4-2-2-2. And wherever you write the message, that's when you put in all caps, POPQUIZ. And please don't worry, we don't store your numbers or anything like that. This is just a way for you to get your free guide sheet.

Okay. I love every one of you. Make sure you subscribe, and please, will you please do me a favor? Will you please review this podcast? I love hearing from you. You don't need to use your real name or anything like that. You can totally hide that. I read every one of them, and they help us rank on iTunes. And it's not about being number one, but it is about getting the word out that this is a resource for other women. Right now, I think we're in the top five percent of podcasts on iTunes, so we want to maintain that. We want to grow even more. And also, the more popular a podcast gets, the more I can get great guests on for you because guests want to be on popular podcasts. So I love you, and I hope you'll join me in welcoming Brittany and Jo to our team. And I hope you find that as good of news as I do. I'll talk to you next week.

Wife of an Alcoholic is now The Love Over Addiction Podcast. In today's episode, Michelle explains the reasons behind the change and what it means for the future of the podcast.

"If we start with love for ourselves and learn how to nurture our bodies, minds, and spirits, we will be able to offer that kind of love to others."

Read our blog at:https://loveoveraddiction.com/2018/07/changing-the-name-podcast/

Learn more about the Love Over Addiction program at: http://theloveoverway.com/programs/love-over-addiction

Hey, it's Michelle. Normally, I announce the name of this podcast and play some beautiful music that my brother, Tristan, scored for us. I don't know if you know this, but Tristan is actually my little brother who lives in LA with his wife and his bulldog named Lilly. And Tristan scores music for movies and for TV shows.

So the music that you're listening to in the Love Over Addiction Program, he wrote all of that. You have a professional composer writing that music for you. He was just at Johnny Depp's house because he was working on his latest movie. And you know that really funny woman Melissa McCarthy? He just scored something that she was in as well.

So here's the deal. This is why there's no snappy music playing. Because we are changing our name. Yep. It's true. We are not going to use the Wife of an Alcoholic Podcast anymore. And I want to explain why. I want to get one thing straight. We, the women of this movement, love or have loved good men and women who are choosing to drink too much or use drugs.

And although we might be very angry and very hurt, we are working our butts off at our own recovery. We realize, and we take full ownership that we have work to do. We are learning what it looks like to stay in our own lane, to forgive, to be dignified. Even though some of us have left our relationships and our marriages, we are always praying, cheering, and hoping for the ones who use drugs and alcohol as a way to escape.

The addiction community is starting to speak out about labels like "addict" or "alcoholic" or "drunk." And I try very hard not to go down the rabbit hole of getting too involved in the theories of addition. It feels like every expert has a different opinion. The more I research, the more confusing it gets. The neuroscientists, the therapists, the ones who have used drugs or drinking as coping skills, they all have different explanations. So I conscientiously and respectfully choose to stay out of that arena.

The truth is, I'm not interested in what causes addictive behavior. My job is not to try and get your loved one sober. There are tons of more qualified professionals out there who can help with that. My mission is to grow a community of women who are getting back to feeling valuable instead of worthless like this disease tries to make us feel. My passion is our self-growth and healing.

Two of my children have dyslexia, and so do I. Growing up with the label of "Learning disabled" used to bother me. My dyslexia does not affect my intelligence. Sure, I can't spell the word promise correctly. Thank God for Megan who spell checks everything I write. But that doesn't hold me back from being a creative, sensitive, and driven woman. Today, I have learned to be proud of my dyslexia. I think it gives me a creative advantage. I don't mind labels at all. Call me dyslexic, call me learning, I don't care. And I am trying to teach my children to feel the same way.

But I want to be sensitive to all the labels we place on each other. And that is what our community is about. Even though the people who are hurting us are doing so because they are choosing to drink or use drugs too much, we want to be respectful. These are real men and women with feelings and a boatload of potential. We never want to come across as better or smarter. Clearly, this is not the case from a woman who can't spell the word promise. We love or have loved these gifted men and women for who they really are. We have been their greatest cheerleaders and their biggest supporters.

So with this in mind, I am changing the name of our Wife of an Alcoholic Podcast. I'm changing this name because not everyone in our community is married. And because we are labeling the ones we love as alcoholics. Plus, we talk about all kinds of addictions, not just alcohol. For example, we had an episode on pornography addiction a couple weeks ago.

So what is the new name? The Love Over Addiction Podcast. As you know, we have a few programs called Love Over Addiction, Love Over Mistakes, and Love Over Boundaries. It is one of our core beliefs in this movement of ours that every day we are trying to choose love over addiction, love over anger, love over judgment, love over ourselves, love over our children, and love over our weaknesses. If we start with love for ourselves and learn how to nurture our bodies, minds, and spirits, we will be able to offer that kind of love to others. And then, we will begin to heal the world.

Because I've written hundreds of free articles over the last six years, specifically about loving someone who struggles with addiction, I now want to open up that space to talk about more of my favorite healing topics that might be less about addiction, and more about spirituality and self-love, learning to love our bodies, how to raise our children, and friendships. Basically, I want to talk about all the things that women love to discuss.

So Love Over Addiction is our new name. Make sure you stay subscribed to the podcast. Most of the podcasts will remain between five and 10 minutes, but we will also be doing some interviews with some people that I really think you should know. They are game-changers and life-givers. We are going to be interviewing lawyers, financial planners, rehab specialists, and some powerful women who are going to teach us about self-care.

So make sure you stay tuned. Please share Love Over Addiction with your friends. And let's offer ourselves the kind of love we've been looking for, with or without labels. I hope you found this helpful and insightful, and please make sure to subscribe. Check out our free resources at LoveOverAddiction.com.

For those of you who have been following my blog or listening to The Wife of an Alcoholic Podcast, you know that I used to do yoga on a pretty regular basis.

I had just turned 40, I was feeling tired of my exercise routine, and I needed something that was a lot more gentle and a lot more reflective. I was also in a difficult spot physically.

But I was really into yoga and loving it, and then Hurricane Irma came. We evacuated our house and couldn't get back in for over a week, so my exercise routine dropped by the wayside. Then I found myself in a really weird place.

I'm not a person who loves to exercise, so it's not weird for me to feel like I don't want to work out. That's pretty normal for me. But I just couldn't find the motivation to do anything.

I love to pray, and I didn't want to pray. I love meditation, and I had no interest in that. I'm a huge advocate of self-care, but I just could not bring myself to do anything.

And I found myself in a really numbed out place which made me panic because that's not like me. I'm very ambitious and driven. I get up in the morning, and I think, "Okay, what needs to be done? Let's get through this to do list."

But this was the season in my life. I actually went to talk to somebody about it because I was so scared that I would never get out of it. I went to see a therapist, and during my session, she said, "Michelle, you're in the wilderness."

She was right.

It was the perfect thing that I needed to hear to let me know that the wilderness is temporary.

I didn't know how long I would be feeling stuck in this spot where I was tired, unmotivated, and dull. I felt like I just wanted to be lazy, and I just wanted to sit on the couch for weeks on end. My creativity and my curiosity were gone which was not a place I had ever been to before.

It scared me, but I knew, based on the session with her, that it would return. This was temporary. I trusted that I would be able to learn a lot from this situation.

There were lessons that I needed to discover in this period of my life.

During this time, I moved to Tampa and, very slowly, I started to get that desire back. I started to feel the little bit of light in me that got stronger and stronger with each day.

But I think the number one lesson I learned during my wilderness stage was something that was reiterated to me today when I was running.

There were women passing me that looked amazing, toned, and tanned. They looked like they were running for fun which is something I cannot understand on any level whatsoever.

While I was running, I can't tell you how many times I looked at the app on my phone to see how many minutes I had left. I was suffering.

Suffering.

There is no podcast, no music, no specific running shoes that I could spend a bazillion dollars on that will make this more enjoyable for me.

But I am determined. So I'm out there running, and this beautiful woman runs past me who's probably 12-15 years older than I am. My 13 minutes had just ended, and then she whizzed by.

My first thought to myself was, "Why can't I be more like that? Why can't I be more like her?" Then it hit me. And I remembered thinking, "Michelle, you did well. You just ran 13 minutes in a row, and you didn't stop. You did well. I'm proud of you. You can do this."

That loving, compassionate, soft whisper of a voice healed my soul in ways that I needed so badly.

And it brought me back to that time when I was in the wilderness.

The way I got out of the wilderness was by being gentle and kind to myself.

I talk a lot about this in the Love Over Addiction program and on The Wife of an Alcoholic Podcast because it works.

So today I want to ask you: what if you became your biggest fan?

I know a lot of us, including myself, depend on the ones we love to make us feel good. We look for validation from other people or through our accomplishments.

My mom is married to one of the most wonderful men in the world. And I grew up around this man telling her how beautiful she was. He wrote her love letters and brought her flowers. He was so adoring.

I remember one time we went on a trip together. Every day he had hidden a new card in her bag so that she could wake up and read how much he loved her.

They were married. This isn't even like they were dating.

They were married.

He had sealed the deal. And he's still putting all this effort into showing her how much he loved her. It's amazing.

You know what I heard my mom do, though? After he told her, "Peggy, you look so beautiful," I heard my mom say, "No, I don't. I look ridiculous. I'm dirty. I've just been working in the garden for hours. How could you say I'm beautiful?"

And I also have a friend whose husband's love language is words of affirmation. If you've not read that book, I highly suggest it. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. My friend's husband is fabulous at telling her these amazing lines that just blow me away. But I hear her dismiss it.

And the reason this happens is because having someone tell us all the things we crave to hear does not mean as much to us if we don't already believe them about ourselves.

Today on my run, it was far more powerful to tell myself that it was okay and that I was doing a great job than it was for anybody else to tell me that.

It was so nurturing to me to be the soft whisper in my head that suggests I should be compassionate and loving to me.

So let me ask you another question. What have you done that you're proud of?

Today I ran for 13 minutes straight. What did you do? And do not tell me you haven't done anything. I know you. I know that there are so many things you can list off that you are proud of.

So I want you to take a moment and pause. And I want you to think about what you have done. It can be in the last week, the last six months, or the last year.

What have you done in your life that you are proud of?

Did you think of something?

What loving message do you need to tell yourself right now? This morning, I needed to tell myself that what I was doing was good enough. I needed to congratulate myself and celebrate the fact that I was making an effort. It might not be as good as everybody else around me, but I was trying.

I want you to pause, and I want you to be still. Just give yourself 60 seconds to think, and then tell yourself what you need to hear in your most loving and gentle voice.

Say it out loud. It can be a monologue, or it can be one sentence. But do it right now.

I am so proud of you for taking the time to be loving and thoughtful with yourself.

I promise you that if you are willing to whisper to yourself on a regular basis, all of the deliciously kind and sweet thoughts about you, you are going to be transformed and offer the loving, sweet thoughts to others. You will no longer be looking to everybody else for the acceptance that you need to give yourself.

The truth is the love you're looking for, the one that's healing, the one that's going to replace all of the negativity that addiction brings into our life—that love is offered to us by ourselves.

We couldn't turn to the people around us to provide that love even if they were sober—even if the one we love did not struggle with substance abuse or addiction.

Women who are in sober relationships need to practice this too.

And if you are a woman of faith (not everybody is, but if you are), then think of this as the Holy Spirit whispering to that deepest part of you the love that you know is being offered.

We are a movement of very powerful, amazing women who are willing to give a voice to this disease. We are willing to step up and help each other and encourage one another because strength grows in numbers, and we are growing, and we are strong.

So if you haven't joined us yet, head over to TheLoveOverWay.com to learn more about the programs we have to offer.

I want to talk to you today about the importance of grace.

Grace is my new favorite word. I think it's going to be my keyword for 2018.

This community attracts women who are very ambitious. A lot of people in the world are not, and they like to sit in their pain, and they like to stay comfortable.

The women in our community tend to be thirsty for somebody to explain to them exactly what to do. And that's what we do here.

These women say, "Give me the top five steps, and I'm going to get it done. I'm going to ace it, and I'm going to do it to perfection."

That is a wonderful quality to have. It's something we all share. We can go through a to-do list like nobody's business. We can make things happen.

We're the glue that holds our family together.

But let me tell you: it can also be our greatest liability. We are too hard on ourselves.

We don't offer ourselves the forgiveness that we are offering others constantly, and we are holding ourselves up to a standard that is so darn high. We're exhausted trying to achieve it. And it's never achievable.

Maybe occasionally there will be a day or a moment where you'll feel on top of the world because you're meeting all these huge goals for yourself and you have nailed everything, but for the most part, we're falling short of these expectations.

I suffer from this too. I left my alcoholic and substance abuser many years ago, but I still carry with me the trait of this need for perfection. And I still struggle with the idea that if it's not done perfectly, it's not done right; it's not good enough.

It is important to offer grace not only to those we love, but it is just as important—if not more important—to offer grace to ourselves. To fall short of these crazy expectations that we have on one another and on ourselves and go, "You know what? We tried. We get an A for effort. And that's good enough."

If you're having a hard time forgiving the one you love who's addicted and hurting you, I want you to give yourself grace. It's okay. You can't forgive them today. Tomorrow is a new day.

You can try again.

If you've joined one of our programs: Love Over Addiction, Love Over Mistakes, or Love Over Boundaries, and you're learning and listening, you're watching the videos, and you're filling out the workbook, but you're still not able to commit 100% to the tools that you're learning and you're still making mistakes, that's okay. I want you to offer yourself grace.

Take a deep breath. Understand that you are doing the best you can do in one of the most stressful situations that anybody has to go through.

You are living with somebody who is choosing drugs, alcohol, pornography, gambling, or other women over you. That's devastating. That hurts. That's painful.

And I'm not sitting here telling you to stay stuck. I'm not giving you permission to go around grumbling and griping or yelling and screaming all the time. I'm saying that it's okay to take a pause and acknowledge the fact that you are still here and you're still trying after all this time.

Take a moment to look back at the woman you once were, look at the progress that you have made, and celebrate those small victories that you have accomplished.

You need to offer yourself grace.

This is one word that can heal your life. And it's also important to offer it to those we love.

But first, start with yourself. Because if you cannot offer yourself grace, how are you possibly going to offer it to those around you? You can't.

You're running on empty. You are resentful. You're frustrated, and you're critical. And all that negative spew, all that poison that comes out of your mouth and in your thinking—that's a killer. That's the addiction.

So take a pause today, and offer yourself some grace. I promise, if you learn to be kind and gentle with yourself and treat yourself tenderly and lovingly, you will be able to interact with everybody else in your life with that same kind of tenderness.

If you're ready, I would love to teach you practical tools that will make all the difference the next time your loved one comes home drunk or high. Imagine not getting into an argument, not feeling angry or disappointed. Imagine not letting it ruin your evening.

That can happen but you have to be willing to do the work. Join our program and get to work so that you can have that relationship breakthrough you know you need.