On Attachment

Today's episode is a special one: I'm sharing my own healing story and how I went from anxious and insecure to confident, grounded in my worth, and in a loving partnership. My hope in sharing is that you can see we aren't all that different, and that you feel encouraged to continue on the courageous path of healing.

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In today’s episode, I’m joined by my friend James “Fish” Gill for a listener Q&A all about conflict, communication, and staying connected through hard moments.

We explore some big questions, including:

• How to release resentment when a conflict is “resolved” but the emotional residue is still sitting in your body
• What real repair actually looks like, and why some apologies land while others don’t
• When a relationship swings from explosive conflict to total conflict avoidance — and how to find a healthier middle ground
• How to navigate dating when kids are involved, especially when parenting differences trigger deeper fears, jealousy, or old wounds

Fish and I unpack the relational dynamics underneath these questions and offer compassionate, practical guidance for moving through it with more clarity, honesty, and connection.

If you’re wanting to deepen your communication, repair more effectively, and understand yourself and your partner in moments of tension, this conversation will be a supportive place to land.

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Connect with Fish

• Follow Fish on Instagram
• Visit Fish's website
• Buy Fish's book, How to Fall in Love with Humanity

In this special episode of On Attachment, I sit down with my partner Joel to answer your questions about our journey into parenthood with our now 18 month old son.

We explore the transition to parenting, how our attachment styles have shaped the experience, and what helps us stay aligned as a couple. The conversation also covers our initial feelings about wanting kids, the surprises and challenges along the way, and the practices that keep us connected and supportive of each other.

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Free Resources

• Free Break-Up Training: The 3 Shifts That Help Anxiously Attached People Heal After a Break-up
• Free Anxious Attachment Training: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love

So many of us spend our lives orienting around what other people think of us — seeking approval, avoiding disapproval, and constantly scanning for reassurance that we’re doing, saying, and being the “right” thing.

If you lean towards anxious attachment patterns, this makes perfect sense. The foundation of the anxious attachment pattern is an external orientation — learning to attune to others for safety, validation, and a sense of self. When we’ve never had a steady internal anchor, other people become our compass.

But that comes at a cost. We lose touch with our own truth — our values, our preferences, our intuition — and live our lives by borrowed standards. And the more we outsource our worth, the more fragile it becomes.

In this episode, we explore how to shift from being other-referenced to self-referenced:

• Why anxiously attached people are especially sensitive to others’ opinions

• How external orientation keeps us anxious and disconnected from ourselves

• What it actually means to develop an internal compass

• Practical steps to build self-trust and integrity

• How to tolerate disapproval without collapsing into shame

Ultimately, caring less about what others think isn’t about indifference — it’s about self-trust. When you truly respect and stand by yourself, other people’s opinions carry less weight. You stop needing to convince anyone of your worth, because you already know it.

One of the most common questions after a break-up is: when will I be ready to start dating again? Sadly, there’s no hard and fast rule, no magic timeline, and no moment where you’ll suddenly feel 100% confident and never wobble again. Readiness isn’t about the calendar — it’s about how you’re feeling, the work you’ve done, and the mindset you're bringing with you. 

In this episode, I’ll share:

• Signs you may not be ready yet (like still being in the thick of grief, rumination, or longing for your ex)
• Signs you might be moving toward readiness (like curiosity about meeting someone new and clarity around your standards and patterns)
• How to approach dating again with intention and self-compassion
• Why dating itself can stir up new layers of grief — and how that doesn’t mean you’ve failed or gone backwards

If you’ve been wondering whether to dip your toes back in the dating pool, this episode will help you manage your expectations, recognise where you’re at, and approach the process in a way that feels grounded and intentional.

Highlighted Links

• Free Break-Up Training: The 3 Shifts That Help Anxiously Attached People Heal After a Break-up
• Free Training: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love

Additional Resources

• Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
• Join my email list 💌
• Explore my library of free guides, classes & meditations
• Visit my website

When a relationship ends, it’s natural to crave closure. We want answers, explanations, or one last conversation that will tie everything up neatly and help us move on. But the reality is, closure rarely comes from someone else — it’s something we have to create for ourselves.

In this episode, I share some hard but freeing truths about closure:

• Why the relationships that leave us most desperate for closure are usually the ones least likely to give it
• How the idea of a “closure conversation” can sometimes be a hidden way of keeping the door open
• Why even when we get answers, they rarely soothe us in the way we hope
• The difference between chasing closure from someone else versus cultivating it within yourself
• Practical ways to create your own sense of closure and peace

If you’ve been waiting for that message, that explanation, or that final conversation to make things better, this episode will help you see closure differently — and take back your power to move forward.

Highlighted Links

• Free Break-Up Training: The 3 Shifts That Help Anxiously Attached People Heal After a Break-up
• Free Training: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love

Additional Resources

• Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
• Join my email list 💌
• Explore my library of free guides, classes & meditations
• Visit my website

So often, we’re drawn to the work of healing our relational wounds because of challenges in our relationship. A partner’s behaviour, or the dynamic between us, shines a light on our pain points and shows us where our work might be. But this can raise a difficult question: if we’re still being triggered or activated within that very relationship, is healing actually possible?

In this episode, I explore the nuance of this dilemma. We’ll cover:

• Why triggers aren’t necessarily a bad thing — and how they can point us toward the deeper wounds that need healing.
• The difference between growth edges that stretch us and dynamics that keep us constantly dysregulated.
• Signs you can do the work of healing within a relationship, and when the relationship itself may be keeping you stuck.
• How to find the middle ground: using relational challenges as invitations into greater self-awareness, without normalising constant pain or struggle.

Relationships will always bring moments of discomfort — that’s the nature of intimacy and vulnerability. But there’s an important distinction between the kind of challenge that supports healing, and the kind that prevents it. This episode will help you reflect on where your relationship sits, and what you need in order to move forward in your healing journey.

Highlighted Links

• Free Break-Up Training: The 3 Shifts That Help Anxiously Attached People Heal After a Break-up
• Free Training: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love

Additional Resources

• Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
• Join my email list 💌
• Explore my library of free guides, classes & meditations
• Visit my website

When you’re anxiously attached, it’s easy to fixate on red flags and warning signs — scanning for danger in the early stages of dating. But if you’re always looking for what’s wrong, you might miss the important signs that you’re with someone who’s actually safe, caring, and aligned with you.

In this episode, we shift the focus to green flags — the encouraging behaviours and feelings that can help you recognise when a connection has potential. You’ll learn why these signs matter, how they can soothe an anxious system, and how to pay attention to the way you feel in someone’s presence.

We’ll explore:

• Why paying attention to how you feel around someone can be more telling than analysing their every move
• The importance of being remembered and feeling genuinely seen
• Signs of sincerity, effort, and sustained interest (and how they differ from love-bombing)
• The role of humour, playfulness, and ease in creating a healthy connection

If you’re ready to reframe your approach to dating and start recognising when something is right for you, this episode will help you spot the cues that matter most.

Highlighted Links

• Free Break-Up Training: The 3 Shifts That Help Anxiously Attached People Heal After a Break-up
• Free Training: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love

Additional Resources

• Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
• Join my email list 💌
• Explore my library of free guides, classes & meditations
• Visit my website

Fear of infidelity can be one of the most overwhelming and destabilising experiences for someone with anxious attachment. Even when there’s no evidence a partner is being unfaithful, the possibility alone can trigger deep anxiety, hypervigilance, and constant worry.

In this episode, we explore why anxiously attached people often fear cheating so much, even in the absence of proof. We’ll look at the core wounds and nervous system patterns that fuel this fear, the role of past relationship and childhood experiences, and how certain dynamics—especially with avoidant partners—can make these fears even more intense.

We’ll also unpack the ways fear of cheating can show up in a relationship, the problems with trying to “prevent” it through control or monitoring, and practical steps to move towards a more secure, trusting dynamic.

If this is something you’ve struggled with, this conversation will help you understand what’s happening beneath the surface and give you tools to respond in a way that’s calmer, clearer, and more grounded.

You’ll learn:

• The connection between anxious attachment and fear of infidelity
• How past betrayal or early life experiences can amplify the fear
• Why anxious-avoidant relationships can trigger cheating anxiety
• How hypervigilance and reassurance-seeking can harm trust
• Tools for building self-trust and relationship security

Highlighted Links

• Free Break-Up Training: The 3 Shifts That Help Anxiously Attached People Heal After a Break-up
• Free Training: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love

Additional Resources

• Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
• Join my email list 💌
• Explore my library of free guides, classes & meditations
• Visit my website

If you’ve ever felt calm and confident when you’re single, only to find yourself spiralling into anxiety the moment you start dating, there’s a good reason for it.

In this episode, I share why this shift happens — and why it’s completely normal if you have an anxious attachment style. Attachment patterns are relational, which means they tend to lie dormant when we’re on our own. But as soon as we have something (or someone) at stake, we feel more vulnerable. The more we care, the more our protective strategies kick in — sometimes in big, overwhelming ways.

This episode is a reassuring reminder that there’s nothing “wrong” with you for feeling this way — it’s simply your nervous system doing its job in trying to keep you safe when things start to feel risky. 

Highlighted Links

• Free Break-Up Training: The 3 Shifts That Help Anxiously Attached People Heal After a Break-up
• Free Training: How to Heal Anxious Attachment and (Finally) Feel Secure in Life & Love

Additional Resources

• Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
• Join my email list 💌
• Explore my library of free guides, classes & meditations
• Visit my website