Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

The partners of sex/porn addicts can find it difficult or near impossible to discern whether or not their partner is still "stuck in addiction" or in actual "real recovery." Here's how a PBSE listener describes this frustrating, painful experience—

1 year ago, iIfound my husband of almost 25 years has been addicted to porn our whole marriage and he had racked up  tens of thousands in debt that included monthly subscriptions for Viagra, for cam girls and gambling. He has struggled with ED for the last 10 years and always gaslit me into thinking it was“I made him nervous” about performing. I begged him to tell me what was going on, but he denied all. I have known about his porn use but did not know anything about PIED [porn-induced erectile dysfunction] and had no idea he was depending on Viagra to be able to have sex with me. For a while after D-Day [disclosure day] he was able to perform without Viagra, but the last 6 months , we are back to ED. He denies using porn. But besides listening to your podcast, he has done nothing for true recovery. No program, no groups, no CSAT , no disclosure, etc. He says has not slipped once with porn or masturbation but i find it hard to believe this “white knuckling” approach is that successful. He just admitted this year to being molested by a neighbor boy at a young age, but refuses to talk to anyone other than me. His parents knew about it but never discussed it. I believe this is why he struggles with being emotionally unavailable and has used porn to numb his pain. He has gotten emotional once with me, but mostly is closed off to emotion. I know he needs to be the one to decide to truly lean into recovery. But since you are the ONLY people he listens to, can you do a podcast on what true recovery is - that it’s not just avoiding porn. I don’t want to leave him - but I’m pretty sure I’m standing in the middle of a volcano that will eventually explode again without help. Thank you for being the one guidance we have.

In this episode, Mark and Steve talk raw and real about what keeps us stuck in addiction and what REAL recovery actually looks like.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services 

Healthy Boundaries are CRITICAL to our individual happiness and authenticity—AND—to our connection as a couple. But when we're not experienced with setting and holding healthy boundaries and/or we've spent our lives "going along to get along," it can be all-too-easy to "weaponize" what could otherwise be healthy boundaries—sabotaging our own authenticity and and connection in our couple-ship.

This episode is in response to a situation sent in by a PBSE listener—

My husband starting reading " No More Mr Nice Guy" which was referred to him by his 12-Step sponsor. Now he says his"boundary" is going to Jiu Jitsu 2 times a week which is during bedtime with the kids. I said I am ok with one, but not two, especially on Mondays which are really challenging. He responds that his needs are important and he can no longer back down because then he is compromising his self care time. [He goes on to state] that his needs are also to receive love and me pursuing him romantically.  (Even though he continues to act out [in his addiction] every 2 months or so for the past 3 years.) How do I respond? Aren't boundaries to help a relationship thrive? This does not feel that way.

In episode 173, Mark & Steve talk about boundaries—healthy vs. toxic—and HOW these boundaries can be "weaponized." They also discuss HOW to find a place of "collaboration" and "balance" between individuals in a coupleship.  

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services 

In Episode 172, Mark and Steve tackle a topic that is extremely difficult, triggering and traumatizing for the partners of porn/sex addicts and even for the addicts themselves—the line between "attraction and lust." This episode is in response to a situation and questions submitted by a PBSE listener—

Hi Mark and Steve, The PBSE podcast really has been such a Godsend helping inform my husband and I of the possibility of hope and healing. We had our 4th D-day a few months ago, but in some ways it was the very first, as we finally have acknowledged the impact my husband's porn addiction has had on our marriage (4 years married) and the damage "ignoring it" has done. We are really starting to experience some great progress even after a few months of fighting for genuine connection. My question, however, is this: why do men often struggle with the concept of monogamy? My husband and I really struggle to see eye to eye, as he seems to believe that men are wired to notice and be drawn to the physical bodies of other women. He also believes that, then, monogamy is a choice to live the best way God intended and to choose to not act on those desires, and it will be a constant battle with temptation. He does not see a day in the future when he will not value and be curious about female specific body parts on others, even after recovered from porn addiction. Is this the porn addiction speaking? Or is there an element of truth to this? This is so outside of my own experience of sexuality as a woman, and I am really challenged to see a future with someone who will always prize female sexualized body parts—mine, but also the general public, and see that as normal. I have loved the episodes that have touched on public encounters/experiences and making a plan with your spouse for areas that could be challenging. However, I would love to hear this facet answered on the PBSE podcast if you'd be willing. Thank you so much.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services 

Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is a VERY common challenge among those struggling with porn/sex addiction AND also common for addicts in recovery. The discussion in Episode 171 is in response to a question from a PBSE listener—

Hello, I’m an addict in recovery. I’m in good solid recovery I listen to multiple podcasts a day I go to therapy once a week, im working on an empathy workbook in my free time and trying really hard. I’ve been free from porn for 60 days. Since d day I had one slip up about 25 days in where I was watching YouTube videos I shouldn’t have. My wife found this out on her own. And this is after we had been really starting to get intimate and recover together. Since that day I haven’t acted out in any way. I’m really struggling with weird symptoms of random ED with my wife which makes her question my recovery but I don’t have an explanation for this. So when this happens I overreact and get mad and depressed so then it makes it seem even more likely I’m acting out, but I am not. I don’t know what to do in this situation. How am I in good recovery and this is happening? Why can’t I be vulnerable in those situations and try to work through it with my wife. Why is this happening?

-  What are some of the potential causes of ED?

-  How are physical health issues, mental health issues and emotional issues involved?

-  How does an individual's "Arousal Template" play a factor in this?

-  How can the addiction recovery process contribute to struggles with ED?

-  How pairing "emotional connection" with "sexual connection" is part of answer.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services 

Once an addict starts into recovery and his partner begins her journey of healing betrayal trauma, a couple should immediately look at the difficult but essential work of SETTING BOUNDARIES. Why? Because the most connected relationships are BOUNDARIED RELATIONSHIPS! 

The first priority is to set boundaries that create "safety" in the relationship. Without safety, what every couple desires—intimacy (into-me-you-see)—is not possible. Among the most important boundaries establishing safety are SEXUAL BOUNDARIES.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In episode 169, Mark and Steve address a very raw and real scenario and question from the partner of a porn/sex addict. As a partner trying to heal from Betrayal Trauma, she feels a lot of resentment toward her addict partner who is in recovery and she wants to know HOW to process through these very legitimate feelings—

Hi! I would love to hear a discussion of the effect of resentment on the partner in recovery. My husband and I have been married for 19 years. D-Day was 15 months ago, and since then my husband has been sober and began to enter into recovery. He attends SA and I attend SAnon. We both have been working with therapists individually. I listened to your episode on resentments several times because so much of what you said resonated with me. I too experienced the hurricane of my husband's moods and lived on egg shells for years, never knowing the true reality of addiction he was in. In those years, the resentments were really difficult to live with and I think I numbed them out and focused on raising our kids. However, I find [that my] resentments that creep out as we navigate recovery hurt so much more as I am feeling them all deeply in my soul and whole being. Could you address resentments from a partner's perspective, the boundaries needed and any tips for navigating recovery when relationship setbacks seems so consequential and painful. Thank you so much- I am learning so much from your podcast.

-  The bravery, resilience and love of partners suffering from Betrayal Trauma is AMAZING!

-  Addicts are not the only ones who struggle with resentments!

-  The legitimate, understandable reasons WHY the partners of addicts find resentments bubbling up inside their hearts and minds.

-  HOW to face these resentments and process them/move forward in healthy ways—what is the role of the partner AND the role of the addict on this journey?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

We have all suffered from "communication trauma" in our life experiences! This can too easily get in the way and/or sabotage healthy communication and connection in our current relationships. Here's how a PBSE listener expressed the challenge she is having with her partner who is an addict in recovery—

Hi. I was wondering if you could do a podcast on communication. My partner is a recovering sex addict and he has a hard time with communication and working on fixing issues that come up because he basically freezes and doesn’t know what to say. With years of verbal abuse from an old employer, plus the life of addiction that he’s battled- he learned to not argue or say anything to avoid confrontation. This becomes a battle for me as I’m really trying hard to work on communicating with him and making it a priority for myself. This is something we are battling and I don’t want to lose out on what is an amazing relationship (even with the addiction) just because we can’t communicate effectively. Even simple things as asking for help with something he’s struggling with can be to much, and then he’s just angry because he’s struggling but won’t reach out to me and it causes conflict.

-  What are the potential "causes" of Communication Trauma?

-  What is the first step to shifting into healthy communication styles?

-  Why finding "safe" people to share with is CRITICAL!

-  How to begin daring to engage in the SCARY process of "Collaborative Confrontation/Conflict."

-  What are some simple "healthy communication" tools and strategies? 

-  How to PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE!

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In this episode,  Mark & Steve address a PBSE listener's question about WHY she has trouble standing her ground, having a voice, speaking her truth and holding boundaries with her porn/sex addict partner. She is suffering from a very common "thinking error" known as the "fallacy of fairness."

Too often, we base whether or not we ourselves or our partner has an "equal voice at the table" at where we or they are with regard to our "moral standing;" our "rightness in the relationship;" our past behaviors and other factors. We become trapped and stuck in the "fallacy of fairness" and the relationship is unable to move forward—whatever that may mean.  In this episode, Mark & Steve will teach you HOW to recognize this thinking error and HOW to evolve out of it WITHOUT giving up or violating one another's boundaries.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In this episode, Mark and Steve review what is an often mismanaged or overlooked “critical” part of porn/sex addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing—the “Formal Disclosure Process.” 

-  How NOT to do a disclosure:  go-it-alone; “wing it;” engage in “staggered disclosures;” etc.

-  How to PREPARE for a Disclosure–both the addict and the partner

-  What the “day of disclosure” looks like

-  Critical follow-up to the Disclosure—the “Impact Letter” and “Reconciliation/Amends Process”


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

•    What is a "Couples Check-in" and WHY is it so ESSENTIAL to your relationship success?
•    What are the BARRIERS to the Couples Check-in?
•    How to use the "Core Couples Check-in" format to succeed when all else fails!

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services