Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

If we're not mindful and proactive, addiction and betrayal trauma can turn our Holidays into constant "fires" that we run around putting out. Instead, how can we become the proactive "architects" of our Holidays and of 2023?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

We recently received a VERY raw, vulnerable and transparent communication from one of our PBSE listeners who is struggling with porn addiction and has some very pointed questions. Here are some excerpts of what he sent us—

I have been battling with porn and sex addiction off and on for the better part of 25 years. In my younger years, I was able to break free of it . . .  Now, a number of years later, I think I am in a full blown addiction that is spiraling out of control.  When I look at people’s "quitting stories" out there, it always seems that there is some catalyst that forces the change (ie spouse finds out, loss of relationship, job complications, etc). I have none of those. I only have a desire to change and the feeling that I’m spiraling toward some catastrophic event like that in the future. Do you think that lasting change is possible without some catastrophic catalyst to anchor that change to?

Second question—To my knowledge, my wife does not know about my habits. She might suspect something is weird in our relationship and she definitely feels the disconnect in our relationship. I know I feel it. If she doesn’t already know, I see no reason to break that news to her. I see no reason to further distance her with that information when my goal is to ultimately bring her closer. Is it possible to break free of this without ever disclosing these things to her? I don’t necessarily want to fight this alone but I also don’t want to put her through the heartache of this when she has been through so much already. It would devastate her. I just want to fix this problem and move forward.

In this episode, Mark and Steve tackle these two questions head-on!


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Mark & Steve rarely address issues with kids and teens on PBSE podcast. However, two PBSE listeners submitted questions in this area. One is in addiction recovery and wants to know HOW to help his three young children (one more on the way) grow up to be sexually healthy adults who are not "set up" for addiction. The other listener, also in recovery, has a 16-year-old son who recently admitted to being caught up in porn since age 12. How can he best help his son?

In this episode, Mark and Steve offer some straight-forward advice on HOW to raise sexually healthy kids and help those already struggling.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

This PBSE episode comes from a very bold, but authentic situation and question from one of our listeners—

I am a betrayed spouse and just listened to Episode 37, “I’m not Sexually Attracted to my Partner.” I was so hoping you would also be dealing with the betrayed spouse’s feelings of not being attracted to their partner. Because that’s where l am. After 24 years of absolutely no sex or sexually intimate connection at all, now that he’s recovered, he’s interested in me sexually and emotionally. But l have no interest in him sexually any more. After living with the knowledge of what he was doing with his penis for 24 years, l don’t even want to see it, let alone have it near me. So now what? Thanks and sure hope you answer this.

Mark & Steve take on this topic directly—raw and real!

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about why his porn use is NOT your fault—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/his-porn-addiction-not-your-fault

In episode 150, Mark & Steve tackle a situation submitted by a PBSE listener—

Her partner of 3 years came forward and admitted to her that he's been hiding his porn use from her their entire relationship. He was humble, willing and indicated that he would get help and do whatever it takes to break out of this. Then, a short time later, he made a 180 degree turnaround and blamed all of it on her, telling her that there's nothing wrong with porn and it's all her issue! To say she was blindsided, confused and traumatized would be an understatement! Here's her question—

What do you do as the partner of someone who has not accepted or fully acknowledged if they have a problem? Is there anything that I can do?


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about why his porn use is NOT your fault—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/his-porn-addiction-not-your-fault

In episode 149, Mark & Steve reach out to an addict in recovery who expressed some very deep feelings and meaning questions—

Hi Mark and Steve, I love your podcast and have learned a ton from your experiences! Thank you for all that you do for the SA recovery community! I'm a betraying partner in recovery from porn and sex addiction. I've been working with a CSAT for 10 months and engage in separate therapy and accountability groups each week. My wife and I completed a therapeutic disclosure 4 months ago and just started couples' counseling this week. I struggle with a deep feeling of worthlessness that manifests in many areas of my life - being afraid of failure, perfectionism, and having trouble accepting affirmation even from fellow people in recovery. My question is: What steps can I take to overcome that feeling of worthlessness? My partner and I explored EFT (Hold Me Tight) months ago and agreed that it was not the time to discuss forgiveness. Even if she forgave me, I'm not sure my self-worth would allow me to accept it.

-  Where do feelings of "worthlessness" come from?  A distorted view of one’s identity!

-  What does being an "addict" mean to you?

-  Is addiction an "identity" or one of many attributes?

-  Do you believe you can change?  Do you deserve change? Do you deserve Something better?

-  What part does "spiritually" play in all of this?

-  What is my identity/place in the universe?

-  What is my TRUE potential for growth and change?

-  What do I have to contribute to the world?

-  How can "parenting your inner child" help you break the bands of worthlessness?

-  Are you willing to allow your partner to choose you or reject you on their terms, rather than making assumptions and deciding for them?

-  Are you practicing "vulnerability" in your relationships with self and others?  Why or why not?  What do I need to do to resolve these obstacles?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article with some practical tips on HOW to STOP watching porn—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/post/how-can-i-stop-watching-porn

This is a special podcast and the first of its kind here at PBSE. In this episode, PBSE Co-Founder Steve Moore, goes “solo” and talks raw and real about how, in October, he celebrated 8 years of total sobriety from porn and sex addiction! Steve shares the incredible recovery lessons he’s learned along the way and HOW you can be SUCCESSFUL!

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article with some practical tips on HOW to STOP watching porn—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/post/how-can-i-stop-watching-porn

In this episode, Mark & Steve respond to a spouse's heart-felt description of the EXTREMELY traumatizing situation with her addict partner. Her words JUMPED out at Mark & Steve and they have a LOT to say to her and her partner!!!  Here are the words she sent in to PBSE—

I have been married to my husband for 10 years. We have 2 young children and I have been aware of my husbands addictive sexual behavior for several years. We have had many D days, a few breakdowns from both of us, broken promises, attempts at counseling with no consistency. The behavior seems to ebb and flow. It is typically pictures, videos, texts but has gotten physical in the past. He is now involved physically with someone, this was discovered by me. His initial reaction was that he is not able to feel ‘happiness’ , is always searching, and this physical relationship is a result of acting out via texting that grew to more. His words- he has been unable to end this relationship, yet he states he would like to keep our family intact, he loves me and is struggling.  He has not ended this affair, and I am broken pretending for my kids that all is well. I have listened to all of your podcasts. I know this is crazy that I am living this pretend life while he continues with this relationship. It is eating me alive.

I understand addicts are powerless over their addictions, he has said many times he is unable to stop and how desperately he wishes to. How can I ‘accept’ this continued affair relationship until he gets good help, knowing he is ‘powerless’ at the same time. If he is truly addicted, then I understand he cannot stop on his own. I just cannot continue to pretend for my kids sake any longer. Thank you for everything you do.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article on "True Intimacy vs. Sex" in a Marriage Relationship—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/true-intimacy-vs-sex-in-marriage

In this episode, Mark and Steve address a very unfortunate, but all-too-common challenge for the partners of porn/sex addicts. Here's how a PBSE listener describes her extreme difficulty with this issue—

I feel like I now understand, to a maybe uncomfortable degree, what’s going on in his head when we’re in public and an attractive girl is nearby.Y’all talk about “scanning a room” but, now I feel like I’m the one scanning! I obsessively scan every environment looking for the girls I know he’ll view that way, then I become crippled with anxiety when I see one. After that, I’m full of resentment that this is how I exist in the world now. I can’t even run basic errands, and it happens whether he’s with me or not. I feel like I can’t stop viewing the world around me through his eyes. What does it matter if I’m attractive, if he finds everyone else more attractive? How do I grow myself so that I don’t keep viewing the world through this lens? 

I am an otherwise very confident person who knows who they are. His obsession with other girls is crippling for me, and as much as I can understand this addiction or understand it’s roots, I cannot seem to get past this. I have a personal therapist, and I’m working on building back my self confidence but it seems like I’m hitting a wall when it comes to shutting off this part of my brain that views the world now through “his” hyper sexualized lens. Thank you so much for any guidance you can provide. He and I are both so grateful for the work y’all do. You truly discuss this topic in a way that no one else does, and it really resonates. Your authenticity is palpable. Thank you!! - Mary

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article on "True Intimacy vs. Sex" in a Marriage Relationship—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/true-intimacy-vs-sex-in-marriage

In this episode, Mark & Steve respond to a PBSE listener's questions about "polygraphs" and their role in Disclosure to a partner—

Hi Mark & Steve, I am really enjoying your podcast, and have been in recovery for just over 9 months. I am listening to the podcast in order and am on episode 72, so forgive me if you have covered this topic. My question is regarding polygraphs. I have failed 2 of them and now my wife does not trust a thing I say. I admitted that the first one I took I was being dishonest because I wasn't ready to fully disclose all my past behavior, and felt rushed in the disclosure process.

However I scrapped the barrel with my therapist, admitted to everything I could remember from my acting out years, and still failed a second time. I am now being 100% honest, but now my wife does not trust anything I say. It's not looking good for us because of this. I have heard from other men in recovery that they have experienced the same thing, they were truthful yet failed a polygraph. I wonder where you guys stand on this, and if you have any advice for me going forward. I really appreciate all you do. As someone who is not religious and a non believer, I am still able to connect with you guys via this podcast. Thanks.

-  Why a polygraph?

-  Is it true that polygraphs are not an exact science?

- When considering a polygraph, it's important to identify the specific goals/expectations and realistically whether or not the polygraph can actually deliver these.

-  In addition to taking a polygraph, what other actions should always be pursued/expected as progressive “evidence” of real change?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article on "True Intimacy vs. Sex" in a Marriage Relationship—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/true-intimacy-vs-sex-in-marriage