Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

In this episode, Mark & Steve address a very difficult and painful situation and questions submitted by a PBSE listener. Her spouse has engaged in sexual practices with her where she did NOT give her "consent" and definitely fall under the definition of  "abusive." How can you KNOW with certainty when certain sexual practices in your relationship are "safe" and when they cross the line into the "abusive"?   

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article on "True Intimacy vs. Sex" in a Marriage Relationship—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/true-intimacy-vs-sex-in-marriage
  

I this episode, Mark and Steve respond to a spouse who sent in a CRAZY HARD situation she is facing! Her courage, authenticity and wisdom are very impressive!

Hi Mark and Steve! First of all, I just want to say thank you so much for doing these podcasts. I am married for 19 yrs and we are together for 20. I am brand new to this scene. Just found out in the last 3 weeks that my husband has severe sex addiction including Voyeurism, porn addiction, infidelity, and intimacy issues. The only thing he has disclosed to me before heading out to a 2 week intensive retreat just last week was that he was connecting with other women through apps like kik and only talking with another woman.

Since he’s been gone I’ve discovered so much more than he was willing to reveal initially. The lengths he has gone to cover up his addiction and infidelity is quite alarming. He has recently gone to the extreme of adopting a dog so he could use her as a cover when creating a “dog” Instagram account and connecting with women through that. He clearly is excellent at lying and manipulating. I think he believes when he returns that he will be staying in our home.

However, I will be asking him to live with an extended family member until he can prove that he is trustworthy. My questions for you guys are:

-  Have you found that most men come completely clean after going to an intensive retreat for sex addicts? Is it best to do a 3 day intensive disclosure or a 3 month disclosure? I am more of a rip the bandaid off kind of gal so we can then heal already.

-  Also, what are the signs I should be looking for to have confirmation that he’s staying away from the porn, cheating, and is committed to his healing and overcoming of his addiction?

-  Lastly, should and how can I be holding him accountable without this becoming a full time job and driving myself crazy?


Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

To learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

A PBSE listener sent in a very raw and vulnerable situation and question. Here's what she said—
 I've heard the term "sexual anorexia" and this describes [my husband] to a tee! I've been binging your podcast recently and it seems you guys are always talking about wives setting boundaries around not having sex until feeling safe, but I have the opposite issue. He never wants to have sex with me. He wants to be in a relationship but I don't think he sees me as a sexual person anymore.

He's always trying to stay busy. Work is always an issue. He avoids any romantic situations. He doesn't touch me other than a quick kisses and a hug here and there in the morning and at night. We get along great. Live together and work from home, but no connection, no intimacy and no sex. Literally like friends/roommates. I guess I just feel left out because I listen and it seems to be always the sex starved man and they don't want to be denied sex, but what about the opposite side of the spectrum? I'm going to address our boundaries and therapy again as a last resort.

This dear woman is right! There are more situations than people would think where it's the man in the relationship that is not interested in sex. In this episode, Mark and Steve address this very sensitive and often complex issue.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

To learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

The Problem—

- RECOVERY/HEALING NEVER WORKS IN A VACUUM!

- Isolation, in all of its forms, decreases safety, encourages avoidance, feeds addiction and trauma responses, and deepens the issues for both the addict and the spouse.

- For Addicts: you cannot put the load of your recovery on your spouse—it will hinder her healing.

- For Spouses: the source of your trauma CANNOT be the sole source of your healing. He can’t support you in some ways and to varying degrees, no matter how much you or he may want to!

The Solution—

- Involving others in the struggle creates a commonality; helps to normalize the situation; provides a needed empathetic and healing space to be with others who “get it”—BECAUSE VERY FEW PEOPLE WILL!

- A valuable resource for bouncing off ideas; venting negative emotions or toxicity; reducing reactivity; connecting with authenticity.

- A practice arena for how to navigate intimate relationship challenges.

In this episode, Mark and Steve also discuss HOW to build your support system. 

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

To learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

The Problem—

- Addicts: lack of skillset in connecting; inability to regulate emotional states; lacking insight/empathy into the reality of others; consumed by shame, which overrides other emotions; defaulting to dysfunctional past relationship patterns—“relationship ruts”

- Partners: Trauma inhibits the ability to be present to "hear," or to even trust their partner; tension often prevents addressing of difficult subjects; inability or lack of safety to vulnerably share true emotions “on the spot”.

A Solution:  The Couples Check-in—Couples Check-ins are the best possible environment for developing successful connection following betrayal outside of a therapeutic setting. Here, we practice every element of connection in a controlled environment, with advance notice and opportunities to prepare for it—eliminating variables that often lead to escalation. We have an opportunity to not just practice, but to set up and follow-up regarding couple's goals, to retool our approaches, to learn one another’s love languages, and to make amends where necessary.

In this episode, Mark and Steve talk about HOW to do a Couples Check-in; the RULES that should be followed for Check-ins to be authentic, vulnerable, collaborative and even healing; the SPECIFIC GOALS of a Couples "Check-in."

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

To learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

The problem— 

Addicts—tuned out; numbed out; in-denial; lack emotional “wholeness” skills; the opposite of mindfulness is the state of compulsion/addiction; truthful vs. hiding; open vs. isolated; confront vs. escape and avoid; resilient vs. fragile;  reality vs. fantasy; imposter vs. true/higher self

Partners—In survival mode; trying to make it thru the day; intrusive thoughts; difficulty trusting anyone, including themselves; their own internal “gut” is compromised; living reactively rather than proactively; defense mechanisms are compromising their authenticity, which then leads to self-betrayal.

An integral part of the solution:  Journaling—

- Forces us to slow down and examine before reacting

- Crucible for practicing self-examination, authenticity, vulnerability, accountability, etc.,  free from self-judgment and judgment from others.

- Preparation tool for connection (i.e., Couples Check-ins)

How?

- Unfiltered; for your eyes-only; no journaling for "posterity;" not rushed.

- A little bit each day is MUCH better than a lot once a week.

- Use the S.O.A.P. method to guide your journaling.


Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

To learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

In this episode, Mark and Steve tackle a series of questions sent in by a PBSE listener. She and her partner are in good, solid recovery with a therapist and support groups. A major issue that has come up is her partner's long-standing "sexual fetish" which has ties to abuse he suffered as a child. The fetish is often triggered when he sees women in public. Here are the specific questions she has about this issue—

-  Is it ok to explore his fetish or could that keep him in his addiction and his struggles with lust?

-  If he is 're-creating' his childhood abuse via his fetish, could this be helpful or harmful to him?

-  He has a high sex drive. Would abstinence from sex for a while (he HATES this idea) help loosen his attachment to his fetish, and his relationship with lust, fantasy and objectification? I'm scared this fetish could bombard him with urges to watch porn or to fantasize about women in public.

In their raw and real style, Mark and Steve take these questions head-on!


Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

To learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

In this episode Mark and Steve take on an issue that is more common than you might think. A PBSE listener wrote in about her partner who claims that "He no longer notices women because he's had a change of heart." Yet, his behaviors (some of them secret) appear to indicate otherwise.

Is it possible for a guy to no longer "notice" any other woman but his partner? Is this even the "right" question to ask? Where should the focus be in real, effective and lasting recovery and in healing betrayal trauma?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

To learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

In this episode, Mark and Steve tackle a VERY important issue—examining the nuances and roots of addiction behaviors. This is in response to a PBSE listener's question—

"I recently discovered my husband hired a prostitute for himself while away on business. Since this discovery it’s come out that my husband was viewing porn and visiting massage parlors with regularity. My question, as we are only about a month into this process, is how do you know if your spouse has a sex addiction versus poor morals/lack of respect for the relationship? Our therapy team is calling these issues sex addiction but the people I trust most in my life question if his behaviors are truly addictive versus behavioral. I’m confused."

-  What this PBSE listener describes could definitely be evidence of addictive/compulsive behaviors. However, using their therapy team to consider some other additional reasons for the behaviors would be wise—Is it a single-causation issue, like addiction, or does it include other variables, including but not limited to—

- Lack of attachment skills or knowledge base.

- History of past dysfunctional/unhealthy relationships.

- Styles of attachment modeled by influential figures (male role models, attachment styles between parents, etc.).

- How long have these behaviors been going on? Does he have a history of various forms of acting out, or is this a new or rapid-onset problem?

- Are there any other pre-existing or co-occurring mental health conditions?

- Trauma is one of, if not THE most common root of addiction behaviors—how this plays a role is critical.

- In most cases, the case for addiction isn’t completely black and white, and even when it is, understanding it’s true roots, not just the behaviors, is the key to effective treatment.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

To learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

In response to a PBSE Listener's situation and question, Mark and Steve share some raw and real thoughts and feelings from their own "families of origin."  Here an excerpt from what the PBSE listener sent in—

Mark & Steve,It’s been an absolute blessing to have discovered your podcast. My spouse and I listen regularly. To be blunt, Mark, he has said he relates so much with you in particular when it comes to mindset & behaviors of his addiction. And like Steve, he too lost his father too soon, as a teenager (of which he said he was emotionless when it happened. No tears. Just nothing… indifference, despite how much he loved his Dad.)

I’m not ignorant to the contribution of my past & family of origin has added to our dynamic. I’m an adult child of a substance use addicted mother and a sex, porn and love addicted father who struggles with narcissistic personality disorder. However, betrayal trauma and being the spouse of a porn & sex addict has been the worst pain I’ve ever felt. It’s been a slow, dwindling over 3 years and I can’t help but recognize how my grace and stability in values have been taken advantage of….

How has family of origin played a role in your dynamics with your spouses, if at all? Thanks for all you guys are doing. You’ve set the bar high in my hopes for my spouses recovery.

-  Mark and Steve share specific traumas from their childhoods and HOW these "family of origin issues" directly impacted their addictions, recoveries and marriage relationships.

-  Remember that "brain wiring" from your family-of-origin experiences is EXTREMELY dominant and will be your "default" in times of stress, especially during marriage difficulties. To grow and evolve "through" this wiring to create "new wiring" you MUST do your PERSONAL recovery and healing work!

-  Please know that this "rewiring process" will take time, patience and consistent effort. Hang in there with yourself and your marriage while this process and evolution unfolds.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

To learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction