Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

In this episode, Mark and Steve respond to a scenario and question from a PBSE listener—

"Since my husband and I have gotten into recovery I struggle with still feeling like we are supposed to be having sex every three days or my husband will fall and it will be my fault. I still struggle with his decreased libido now that he isn't hyper-sexualize and can't help but feel triggered that he must be acting out, I'm ugly or there is something wrong with me. I can confidently say he is in good recovery and he is not echoing the things I am feeling.

So how do I come to terms with this healthier sexual norm? How do I move through feeling like I wasted my sexual "prime" and now have to be ok with sex once or twice every two weeks? We both enjoy sex together but with work, kids, responsibilities it's hard for us to get good connection time in that can open the door for healthy physical intimacy."

Mark and Steve take this topic HEAD ON, including the VERY important principle of "engaging in holistic intimacy which can then lead to sex, vs. using sex as the way to attain healthy intimacy."

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Can your marriage survive sex and porn addiction?  Check out this article to learn more—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

A PBSE listener writes in about her spouse who has been porn-free for over ten years. Yet, there are still many areas of his personal life and their relationship where there is room for growth and improvement. In this episode, Mark and Steve talk about how "recovery" is about a WHOLE LOT MORE than just being "sober."

When one gets into recovery, IF he or she can catch the full "vision" it is truly AMAZING the many ways personal lives and relationships can evolve into something never imagined possible! Mark and Steve talk real about how this has been true for each of them and their clients over the years.

What ARE the KEY INDICATORS that someone is in "real" recovery?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

To learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

In this episode, Mark and Steve speak from the heart to a PBSE listener whose addict spouse passed away and now she finds herself wrestling with some horrific "what-ifs."  Here's the honest and courageous message she sent to Mark and Steve—

Would this have happened if my spouse had married someone else?—Three years ago my marriage And my life as I knew it imploded upon learning that my husband of 21 years had been living a double life of lies, infidelity, and addiction for our entire relationship. I Began intense therapy for betrayal trauma in 2019 and in the two years that followed we struggled with couples recovery and my husband struggled with his own recovery which included AA in addition to his sexual acting out with both women and men. One of the things that my therapist tried to help me see early on is that my husband would have walked his path no matter who he married….. that it didn’t matter what kind of partner I was or how good or bad our marriage was that he would have acted in the same manner regardless of who he was with. Sadly my husband lost his battle with alcohol last year. Now I am left with a million questions about how we ended up where we did. Did he ever truly love me? What did I do to contribute to the breakdown of our marriage and his death? Is there really nothing f I could have done or said to help him or prevent his going outside our marriage for sexual gratification? And so many more. I struggle to except what my therapist tells me…that my husband‘s behavior was a reflection not on me or our marriage but solely on him. I have been listening to your podcast since my husband passed and in addition to a tremendous amount of education it has helped me see what real recovery could have looked like for my husband had he been able to get there…. it helps me to know that what I thought recovery could be, although not easy, was not unrealistic. I would love your perspectives as clinicians and recovering addicts on the question that I can’t seem to get some closure on and that is— “Would this have happened no matter who he married or what kind of marriage he had.?" Thank you for reading and for the wonderful content you bring to this community. 

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Can your marriage survive sex and porn addiction?  Check out this article to learn more—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

In this episode, Mark and Steve directly address a spouse's extremely difficult situation. Here's a small excerpt from the message she sent to PBSE—

He has been an off and on again porn user through the years, and currently claims he is not using it. Since he has given it up, the demand for sex is nearly daily with clear expectations that “sex must happen every other day” or he will relapse and it will be my fault.

-  Attempting to transfer ownership of sobriety to a partner.

-  Using threats of acting out or other emotional outbursts if "his needs" are not met.

-  The challenge with a partner not being willing or able to set and hold clear boundaries.

-  How a partner can "lose her voice" in the relationship.

-  Why the phrase "sex is optional" is crucial to true, holistic intimacy and connection in a relationship.


Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Can your marriage survive sex and porn addiction?  Check out this article to learn more—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

In this episode, Mark and Steve speak directly to a PBSE listener's in-depth question about sex being used as a substitute for true intimacy—

"I love your podcast. I'd love to make a podcast topic request, if you're able . . . 

"Question:  Can sex be used as an intimacy substitute? My husband wants lots of sex and cuddling, but then either avoids or only goes "into the shallow end" regarding the other areas of relational intimacy.  I wonder if he has been using sex to try to fill an emotional hole that's been there since before I came along...to "feel" intimacy in a fun easy way that doesn't involve the risks that come from the other crucial areas of relational intimacy. He says he wants intimacy, but I think he doesn't understand what intimacy truly is."

"He says he wants intimacy and that he wants lots of sex because he's a sexual person (physical touch is his primary love language). It seems like having sex is the "easy" way for him to experience closeness and "feel" intimacy without actually having to engage in true deep intimacy. He also avoids conflict and confrontation. He hasn't wanted to talk about his past. When things get tough or too deep, he shuts down and retreats. I don't want him to believe this is what intimacy is."

"I believe he truly wants intimacy, but he fears it at the same time. Personally, I think he believes lots of affection and sex is the core/foundation of intimacy and will fill that bucket for him...and I also think he subconsciously relies on sex and affection to fill that bucket because that's less risky and its an easy quick way to "feel" intimacy.  Plus that, I think it's been a coping mechanism because he was promiscuous in teen and adulthood before marriage...I think he used sex to cope or fill the hole of rejection and abandonment from an abusive home (to feel validated, accepted, wanted, connected to someone). I'm no expert though."

Mark and Steve try to tackle this HUGE topic and address this listener's situation and questions—

-  What is “Intimacy”

-  When is “sex” intimate and NOT intimate? When is it connecting and disconnecting?

-  HOW can sex easily become a substitute or escape from true, vulnerable, holistic intimacy with SELF and a PARTNER?

-  HOW can we begin moving sex into the place of true intimacy?

-  HOW can we recognize the “intimacy issues” we’re avoiding through sex and start addressing them head on?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Can your marriage survive sex and porn addiction?  Check out this article to learn more—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

Porn/sex addiction recovery and healing from betrayal trauma can be SO confusing, frustrating and even come to the place of hopelessness!

In this episode Mark and Steve give you a view into their own recovery and healing journeys as well as their experiences as therapists. Learn what it takes to succeed in your recovery and healing efforts.  Find hope that as a couple you absolutely can come together and be better than ever!

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

To learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

In Episode 127, Mark and Steve addressed the "Abuse Cycle" and its effects on addicts in recovery. In this episode, they talk directly to the partners of addicts. How does the Abuse Cycle impact partners suffering from Betrayal Trauma and their healing process?

Factors to be aware of regarding the Abuse Cycle—

-  Abuse from prior romantic/non-romantic relationships including childhood. This can include abuse that is often "discounted" such as a history of neglect, dysfunctional family systems, gaslighting, etc.)  This trauma history establishes "relationship rules" which impact abuse in a current relationship.

-  "Cultural traditions" have an impact on current abuse cycles—being a "caretaker;" going along to get along to keep family members/spouse stable and happy; "patriarchy" issues, etc.

-  Trauma creates "echoes" that travel from one relationship to the next. Current trauma can be "amplified" based on past experiences and can create increased pain, aversion and responses due to past intensity and frequency.

-  What happens when trauma becomes your "expert" or your "obstacle"?

-  Why a support system outside the abusive relationship is SO critical to healing!

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to deal with a porn addict gaslighting you—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/is-a-porn-addict-gaslighting-you

Here's an article regarding how pornography can create a "drug-like-dependence"—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/is-pornography-a-drug-addiction

In this episode, Mark shares his own story of abuse as a child to illustrate how the "abuse cycle" is often directly related to addiction.

-  The "Abuse Cycle"—  1)  Tension Builds   2) the "Incident"   3)  Reconciliation   4)  the "Calm"

-  The Abuse Cycle is NOT an excuse for addiction but a VERY CRUCIAL EXPLANATION!

-  Remember that "abuse" is in the eye of the beholder:  what seems "minor" to one may be "deeply traumatic" to another.

-  Understanding an abusive history doesn't "fix" the pain or the addiction, but it is a critical "doorway" to healing and recovery.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to deal with a porn addict gaslighting you—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/is-a-porn-addict-gaslighting-you

Here's an article regarding how pornography can create a "drug-like-dependence"—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/is-pornography-a-drug-addiction

This heart-felt description, question and request comes from a PBSE listener—

I’m a wife of 33yrs in betrayal trauma after finding husband on multiple times has had on and off affairs over 8 yrs with the same person and now found he is using drugs. Multiple addictions. I would like to set boundaries but I’m not part of his addictions as he does not turn to me. No sexual relationship in 2yrs between us. Can you talk about escalation of addiction. He started with weed then alcohol then porn then affair and now meth. What boundaries can I set?

-  What does "escalation" of addiction look like—"cross-addiction" and "co-addiction"

-  Mark shares his personal story about learning to have "no voice," going-along-to-get-along and being a "doormat."

-  In a relationship, EVERYONE is entitled to some basic decencies and courtesies—being chosen and fought for; being pursued, looked out for; feeling safe and empathized with; having an equal voice . . .

-  What does it mean to truly "love" and "be loved"?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to deal with a porn addict gaslighting you—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/is-a-porn-addict-gaslighting-you

Here's an article regarding how pornography can create a "drug-like-dependence"—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/is-pornography-a-drug-addiction

It's very normal for a betrayed spouse to seek to be safe and avoid being "blindsided" by more betrayal, by trying to "control" the addict spouse's recovery.  Here's how a PBSE listener describes this challenge—

My addict is coming up on 2 years of sobriety and 5th D-Day. I am in therapy and he has been in therapy off and on, changing therapists a few times and seeing them maybe twice a month. He was going to multiple SA meetings a week, even leading some. Now he goes a few times a month. In the early days of our recovery, things were good, he was a different, more accountable person who understood the damage he caused. I chose to stay because I saw a change in him. Now, I see him falling back into old patterns, not committing to his recovery and consequently I have fallen back into a lack of trust, fear, and always worrying about how he will behave in certain social and family situations. His character defects are coming through again. How do I communicate my concerns to him when I know his recovery is his and his alone? The slide backward is so upsetting and gaining momentum in my eyes.

In this episode, Mark and Steve share HOW to surrender control over an addicts spouse's behaviors while STILL maintaining healthy boundaries and accountability.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to deal with a porn addict gaslighting you—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/is-a-porn-addict-gaslighting-you

Here's an article regarding how pornography can create a "drug-like-dependence"—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/is-pornography-a-drug-addiction