Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

How long should a spouse expect her addict partner to keep up his recovery? Doesn't there come a time when he can "back off" to some degree?  In this episode Mark and Steve answer an excellent set of questions offered by a PBSE listener. Here's what she had to say—

My partner and I have been in recovery since February 2021. Your podcast has really helped pull us through some rough times. We have navigated the "messy middle" and my partner says that now he is in a "good place." He has taken initiative with disclosing slip ups and even new issues he is facing in recovery with temptations in [public] (he struggled with porn addiction, but has now disclosed he is struggling with lust and does not have the tools to work through it like he does with porn).

I am struggling immensely with relationship insecurity. The last discovery I had to make in October really shook up my confidence as he had been hiding it from me and lying about porn use. Since then, he has been honest about any urges or slip ups.

Are porn addicts ever in a place to slow down with recovery? We started out with daily check ins, therapy, Celebrate Recovery 12 step group, Fortify, accountability software, and other relationship building activities (bible studies, intentional time together). Now, he says he just wants to listen to your podcast and do the check ins as he claims he has the tools to manage temptations. I want to trust him and what he says are his needs, but I am afraid since this feels like the perfect time for a slip up, when his guard is down.

From the partners perspective, should I be okay with him taking less active recovery? I am working through my own issues still, and they are becoming magnified with my insecurities of him using less recovery tools. Any input is appreciated. Thanks for all you do!

With passion, clarity and vulnerability, Mark and Steve address the various issues brought up by this PBSE listener—and use a number of experiences from their own decades of deep addiction, as well as many years of recovery success to get to what matters most with this topic and challenge.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

To learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

In this episode, Mark and Steve openly and passionately address a PBS listener's situation and questions. Here's what he asked—

 I have been found out for the eighth time. I am working with my counselor to work on my recovery. She says she’s not sure how much longer she will stay in the marriage. I will not fail to work on my recovery this time. I am in a SAA twelve step group. I will work on myself to make myself a better man. Here’s my question—I truly want to be transparent. However she is not willing to work on her issues. So how can I be transparent and expect her to respond in a useful way? I’m afraid it will not go well. I want to do the once every 24 hour check in. How do I do this and make it a useful tool if I’m the only one in recovery? I know I can only control my recovery. How do I successfully bring her into the process if she refuses to be in recovery as well?

If you're a porn/sex addict in recovery or a spouse straining under the heavy burden of betrayal trauma, you're going to want to hear Mark and Steve's take on this!

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

In this episode, Mark and Steve address a situation and series of questions from a PBSE listener who is the partner of a porn/sex addict and struggling with betrayal trauma. Here's what she had to say—

Hi Mark and Steve. first off thank you for all that you do. my partner and I have been listening to your podcasts lately. I have a few concerns though that I'm seeking input on: he told me he's not in a place of his recovery to be disclosing things to me such as what his fetish was/is. I think I deserve to know this about my partner's addiction since he was acting out throughout our whole relationship secretly even though I set it as a hard boundary early on. does this mean he is trying to protect his addiction still? its been less than 3 months of sober/recovery.

My other concern is: he says he's not against porn and doesn't have an opinion about it and this is a healthier method to view it. but this makes me very angry as I know there are endless reasons to be against porn and the industry as a whole, not to mention how its negatively impacting our relationship. Thirdly, he oftentimes says he doesn't have enough time to partake in daily recovery. but I think that's just an excuse because he didn't have trouble making time for watching porn throughout our relationship, which I classify as cheating.

There are 3 major barriers her addict partner his throwing up that are blocking his own personal progress and the mending of the relationship—

1.  Withholding information about addiction behaviors and betrayal

2.  Minimizing, rationalizing and justifying the nature and effects of pornography

3.  Making excuses for not doing the hard daily work of recovery

Mark and Steve address all three of these road blocks and how they held them back in their own recoveries and relationships.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article on the Brain Science behind porn and sex addiction—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/brain-science-porn-sex-addiction

In episode 110, Mark and Steve addressed the responsibility that a recovering porn/sex addict has with regard to TV, movies and media--both for his own recovery and in creating the environment where his spouse can feel safe and heal.

In this episode, Mark and Steve get super real about how crazy hard it can be for a betrayed spouse to trust her recovering addict husband around TV, movies, media and in public in general! HOW can a spouse trying to heal from betrayal trauma navigate her spouse's behaviors around media?

-  Let him own HIS recovery!

-  Your job is not to make him change, police him, mind-read him or be hyper-vigilant. Your healthy role is to hold your boundaries in response to his action or inaction.

-  How can a betrayed spouse ever feel a sense of peace and trust while at the same time letting go of his "stuff"?

-  How can you "be enough" regardless of his behaviors?  How do you take care of you?

-  What if he betrays you again--then what???

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

Something that can be a BIG issue for couples—when one is a porn/sex addict in recovery and the other is a betrayed spouse trying to heal—is TV, movies and media! A PBSE listener asked Mark and Steve about this—

Hi guys! My husband and I are working through his sobriety and our recoveries. We found your podcast and are truly thankful we did, thank you so much!! I had a question regarding boundaries. I have been working on my list but I am struggling with one in particular. When my husband and I would cuddle and watch our nightly tv shows together or a movie, he would later google images (sometimes explicit) of the actresses that caught his eye. I could tell during our time together he was objectifying and becoming aroused by them. It has become a very triggering thing for me but I can't seem to think of an appropriate boundary or any boundary for this. I have asked in my support groups but it is most often suggested to completely remove watching shows or movies altogether or screening them. I understand doing that for explicit scenes or R rated but I just don't think that is ideal for shows that don't involve sexual/intimate/explicit scenes. Do you have any suggestions or advice on this? 

In this episode (pare one) Mark and Steve talk about the addict spouse's responsibility in regard to his use of TV, movies and media--for his own recovery AND in helping his spouse feel safe and heal.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article on the Brain Science behind porn and sex addiction—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/brain-science-porn-sex-addiction

Resentment is a POWERFUL emotion!  And while it most certainly can be very legitimate based on actual events, history, betrayal, etc., it also acts as a HUGE BARRIER that can block us from moving forward in our recovery, healing and relationships.

In this episode, Mark and Steve get real and dig deep on this issue—

- What exactly is resentment?

-  How can you navigate through your brain's own defense mechanisms to recognize, identify and face your resentments?

-  Are you willing to begin shifting out of toxic resentment? What might be creating resistance and blocking you from moving forward?

-  HOW exactly do you begin "shifting" through resentment and into healthy emotions and a path forward?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

Here's an article on the Brain Science behind porn and sex addiction—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/brain-science-porn-sex-addiction

One of THE most important milestones in real recovery is when a porn/sex addict prepares a completely transparent and authentic "disclosure" of his past discretions and betrayals and then presents it to his spouse. This is often referred to as "D-day." And while the addict plays a key role in this process, there is also a VERY significant and essential focus on the betrayed spouse that must not be discounted or sidestepped in any way.  In this episode, Mark and Steve address the needs and "rights" of the betrayed spouse in the disclosure process.

The 4 Primary Rights you have with regard to his disclosure are—

1.  The right to choose when and how the disclosure will take place.

2.  In a "boundaried" and healthy way, the right to ask and have answered any and all questions.

3.  The right to have a "full voice" in the disclosure process, including an "Impact Statement."

4.  The right to specific, measurable and accountable reconciliation and amends.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

When there has been Betrayal Trauma, it can seem impossible to ever dare to fully trust again. A PBSE listener describes this struggle as "foreboding joy"—things can be going OK in the relationship, even happy, but there's always this "shadow" in the background threatening to "blindside" her with another betrayal.  Here's how she describes it—

I came into the relationship with many self-esteem and insecurity issues which, of course, have only been deepened by his betrayal. The thing I struggle with most is the concept of "foreboding joy." When things are going smoothly I feel like I trigger myself because I can't seem to believe that things can be going so smoothly because I was fooled for so many years. Is this a concept you can discuss in the podcast and maybe share ways to quiet those negative voices when they become overwhelming?

In this episode, Mark and Steve cover in detail, the basic key elements needed in order for a betrayed partner to dare to start trusting again.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

There are MANY reasons the ego-addict part of the brain convinces us that we are entitled to escape into our addiction outlets. These can include:  I'm not getting enough sex from my spouse; I have no other way to cope with hard things; Every guy does this to some level; I've tried to quit a thousand times and it's impossible–I've resigned myself to it; You all expect too much of me–you don't want me to have a normal life; I need to be free to just be me . . . and the list goes on and on.

The question is—"Do you truly want to break out of the entitlement an d excuses that are enabling your addiction behaviors and keeping you stuck?  In this episode, Mark and Steve talk raw and real about their own experiences with "entitlement" and the first steps to breaking free.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Want to learn more about how to move out of "toxic sex" in a marriage relationship and into "True Intimacy"?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/true-intimacy-vs-sex-in-marriage

Once you recognize that you and/or your partner are caught in a "Trauma Response," HOW can you intentionally move into a place of "Relationship Authenticity"?  Assuming you have completed and openly discussed your "trauma map," proceed as follows—

-  Take a break from the situation—the people involved and/or the environment and circumstances.

-  Pursue some sort of grounding self-care, i.e., Journaling; Talking it out with someone NOT involved; Some sort of recharging self-care (not avoidance-based)

-  Ask yourself: Why does may brain use this particular trauma Response—Where did it come from?  What does it do for me?  What might be some healthy alternatives?

-  Set a time for yourself and/or the other person to come back—Establish ground rules for how long you will work in that “trauma space;  establish ground rules for taking a break again as needed.

This episode is "Part Two" on this topic.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

Here's an article about overcoming porn and sex addiction—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction