Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

In this episode, Mark and Steve respond to a PBSE listener's sincere inquiry about HOW to move through his defensiveness in response to his wife's legitimate trauma triggers. Here's his message and question to PBSE—

I am a sex and love addict, I have found that I perceive my life in negative defensive ways. When my wife pulls away from me for mental safety I perceive it as her wanting to abandon me. How do I repair that? I don’t want to continue being so defensive. I understand where my defensiveness came from in the enmeshed life I lived with my trauma filled mom.
My wife’s defense mechanism is omission of information and mental bullying, overtaking conversations or dominating situations. I have never been able to trust in my life due to my moms training from our enmeshment and her traumas I took on. How do I get ahead of this and start trusting my wife in healthy ways; knowing her defense mechanisms….?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Want to learn more about how to move out of "toxic sex" in a marriage relationship and into "True Intimacy"?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/true-intimacy-vs-sex-in-marriage

In this episode, Mark and Steve take on a PBSE listener's question about her husband's "claim of not being able to remember the details of his previous disclosures to her. Several months after he finally came clean and told her "everything," he backtracked and denied ever disclosing those things. Here's her description of the situation—

Since then, he has said he doesn’t remember having these conversations and confessing these things. After a few weeks of feeling crazy I searched my text messages and showed him detailed texts that took place over many weeks detailing these exact disclosures. He explains what his behavior was and what would trigger him to do it. He claims he was weak and his mind told him that’s what he needed at the time. After seeing these many texts he became frustrated and said he has no clue why he admitted to such betrayals and that they [never happened]. Have either of you experienced a client who admitted things “just so they never had to come back later if they remembered it and say they lied” or have forgotten part of their disclosure early on? I feel he has blocked this part of the betrayal out in order yo block some guilt or that he is simply lying now because he has shame for those specific acts. Any advice?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

If you are the spouse of an addict, it is CRITICAL that you be supported in the FACT that his addiction is NOT your fault! Here's an article to help—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/his-porn-addiction-not-your-fault

Here's an article looking at how addicts can "gaslight" their partners—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/is-a-porn-addict-gaslighting-you

In this episode Mark and Steve respond to a very heart-felt question by a PBSE listener—

My wife and I recently listened to your episode on healthy sex vs toxic sex. I realize now that for our whole marriage, sex has been toxic and me-centered. I asked my wife if she identified with the part in the episode where you said some wives discover feeling abused in this process and she said yes. This crushed me. My question is: how do I process the shame and self-hate that comes with learning my wife feels this way? How can I forgive myself, especially if she is still struggling to forgive me? Self forgiveness seems selfish before she offers forgiveness. Will I ever stop feeling like a monster?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Want to learn more about how to move out of "toxic sex" in a marriage relationship and into "True Intimacy"?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/true-intimacy-vs-sex-in-marriage

How do you know if your partner is telling you the truth about his porn use and other sexual behaviors?  A PBSE listener recently submitted this question and expressed her pain and confusion in a very raw and authentic way.  In this episode, Mark and Steve provide some guidance—

Is “pornified” (objectified) language and behavior an indication he is still acting out?

• In many cases, yes.
• Regardless of acting out, it's a clear sign that there are warped and unhealthy views about sex, sexuality in general, and that he is NOT placing his partner's needs and wants as the first priority. 

Can someone stop their porn addiction without help?

• It's rare, but remember, even IF he stops on his own—Sobriety is NOT recovery.
• They can stop, but can they really change? This is less likely. 

What are other signs of ongoing porn use/acting out?

• There are many: emotional variability/radical mood swings; lack of healthy coping skills; distorted views on sexuality/healthy sexual norms; abnormal changes in sexual routines; sexual aggression; low self esteem and self worth; lots of guilt and shame around the topic of sexuality and recovery in general.
• These aren’t guaranteed signs, but are all serious red flags. Taking all the signs you see into account, along with your own "gut" and intuition, you will likely be pretty close to the truth. 

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Note sure if you have a porn addiction? Here's a chart that will help you self-assess—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/are-you-addicted-to-porn

Here's an article that will help you balance your own healing from Betrayal Trauma with providing support for your addict spouse in recovery—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/his-porn-addiction-not-your-fault

In this episode, Mark and Steve respond to a very heart-felt message and question from a PBSE listener:  a spouse struggling to forgive her porn-addicted spouse—

How can you work through feeling like you can't forgive your spouse? The deception, gaslighting, secrecy, disrespect and disregard for others feelings is causing contempt that grows by the day. How can I forgive a man that spent most of our marriage fantasies about sleeping with other women behind my back. He admits he liked the idea of getting away with something in his mind. After 16 years of lies, he now wants forgiveness. I love him, but all I see is a monster when I look at him.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article that will help you balance your own healing from Betrayal Trauma with providing support for your addict spouse in recovery—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/his-porn-addiction-not-your-fault

In this episode, Mark and Steve address a common question submitted by a PBSE listener—

I have listened to many episodes of your podcast. They have all been very helpful. My question is: Do you consider every man who views porn an “addict” or “sex addict?” My husband confessed to viewing pornography (no other acting out) for the last two and a half years. He can describe the events that led him to cross that line in our marriage. He has told me on two different occasions that he was tempted and was able to identify the feelings that triggered him for both times. I’m in a support group with other women and most of their husbands were addicted to porn as a teenager and brought it into the marriage and have been viewing porn for 10, 20, 30 years. I know that my husband could slip or relapse. I’m just wondering if you ever encounter clients who get sucked into porn through a stressful time but sought help early enough, say a year or two. Would they be considered addicts as well? I am assuming since porn is addicting that could be the case? Thank you both for your dedication to the podcast and the topic of pornography.

Here are just a few of the things Mark and Steve discuss—

• What IS the Definition of Porn/Sex Addiction?
• Addiction is a spectrum - not an on-or-off switch
• What are the consequences/outcomes of addiction?

How to determine if he is an addict and the depth of his addiction—

• What level of insight/vulnerability does he display?
• What is he doing (ongoing) to cope with difficult feelings and emotions?
• What is his level of reactivity?
• What does his capacity to empathize look like?
• Is he present/engaged in sex?
• How open/safe do you feel with him? 
• Are you comfortable asking him hard questions?

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article that can help you learn more about HOW the brain works in sex/porn addition and HOW to set healthy boundaries in recovery—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/brain-science-porn-sex-addiction

Growing up, a PBSE listener suffered from an abusive relationship with his father, which was a BIG factor in the development and ongoing struggle with Porn Addiction. He submitted some questions to Mark and Steve—

I've realized that improving my relationship with my Dad is key to my recovery. How do I approach him about this without letting out 20 years of anger and resentment? His approach to life is that anyone that can't solve their problems with willpower alone is just weak. What do I tell him then? How do I work through the codependency?

In this episode, Mark and Steve talk directly about HOW to move from Co-Dependency to Recovery and let go of the shackles of past and present abusive/dysfunctional relationships.

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's a blog article that shows you how to achieve "real intimacy/connection" even in the midst of conflict!—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/post/collaborative-conflict-is-essential-to-real-intimacy-in-marriage

If your partner is a porn addict, is it even possible to have any level of "healthy connection"???

In this episode, Mark and Steve talk raw and open about what is possible and real when it comes to healthy connection when one spouse is recovering from porn addiction and the other is healing from betrayal trauma—

• How does Porn Addiction destroy connection?
• Can there be any healthy connection before he gets into recovery?
• Once in recovery, what does healthy connection look like?
• How can we be connected while allowing each other to work our own individual processes?  

Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about what "healthy connection" looks like in a marriage relationships:  https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/true-intimacy-vs-sex-in-marriage

When it comes to daily life and being subjected to a "sexualized culture," what are the "healthy boundaries" in sex/porn addiction recovery?

What can/should an addict-in-recovery STOP doing in "regular" life? What is too strict or too lax?

When does an addict cross the line into rationalization, minimization and denial?

How do we "collaborate" on this as a couple?

When and how can we start to integrate ourselves back into regular, normal life—or can we ever do that!

In this episode, Mark and Steve answer these tough questions and more.

 Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article that can help you learn more about HOW the brain works in sex/porn addition and HOW to set healthy boundaries in recovery—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/brain-science-porn-sex-addiction

In working with people all over the world, we often get questions from couples regarding what IS and what is NOT healthy and connecting in their sexual relationship.

In this episode, Mark and Steve get really DIRECT about WHY we bring certain expectations, practices, attitudes, etc., to the bedroom and HOW to begin opening up an authentic, vulnerable, healthy dialogue as a couple to take your Sexual Intimacy to a truly healthy and connected place.

 Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.com

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about what "Healthy Sexuality" looks like in a marriage relationship—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/true-intimacy-vs-sex-in-marriage