Securely Attached

Developmental psychologist and UCSF professor, Dr. Nicki Bush, joins me this week to explore stress and how it affects our children and what parents can do to help protect their child's developing brain and body.

Together we explore:

• Why some stress can actually be good for your child, and when it starts to become harmful.

• The surprising ways stress can show up across your child's behavior, learning, mental health, and physical health.

• How your own nervous system communicates safety or danger to your child, even when you aren't saying a word.

• Why being a calm parent does not mean never feeling stressed, anxious, angry, or overwhelmed.

• What happens inside the body when we rest, and why your own rest may be more important for your child than you realize.

• Why focusing solely on changing a child's behavior can cause us to miss what is actually driving it.

• How working with the parent-child relationship can sometimes be more powerful than treating the child alone.

• The remarkable research showing that relationship-based therapy may actually change the biological effects of early trauma and stress and maintain those effects long after the therapy ends.

• Why early experiences matter so much, but do not have to determine your child's future.

If you've ever worried about how your own stress might be affecting your child, wondered whether difficult experiences can have lasting effects, or felt pressure to keep your child calm and happy, this conversation offers a much more hopeful way to understand stress. Because our biology is remarkably adaptable, and the relationships children have with the people who care for them can be a powerful part of how they heal, grow, and thrive.

LEARN MORE ABOUT MY GUEST:

🔗 Dr. Nicki Bush

🔗 Intergenerational Developmental Health Program

📱LinkedIn: Nicole (Nicki) Bush, PhD

LEARN MORE ABOUT ME:

🔗 Dr. Sarah Bren

🔗 Check out my group practice, Upshur Bren Psychology Group, offering therapy and coaching for individuals, children, parents, and families

📱IG: @drsarahbren

ADDITIONAL REFERENCES AND RESOURCES:

🔗 Prenatal-to-3 Policy Impact Center

🔗 The National Child Traumatic Stress Network

👉 If your child is struggling, support doesn't always have to mean sending them to therapy on their own. At Upshur Bren Psychology Group, we work with parents and children together at our Westchester, NY offices, and we also offer virtual parent support, where we can work exclusively with you to better understand what's driving your child's behavior, strengthen your relationship, and create meaningful change for your whole family. Visit upshurbren.com to learn more or schedule a free consultation.

CHECK OUT ADDITIONAL PODCAST EPISODES YOU MAY LIKE:

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about how sensitivity shapes children's health, behavior, and resilience with Dr. W. Thomas Boyce

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about understanding sensitivity, resilience, and what really shapes kids with Dr. Jay Belsky

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about how to support your child's secure attachment even if you didn't grow up with it, with Dr. Miriam Steele

Sam Kelly, author of Notice and Do, and I talk about why simply assigning chores may not be enough. While chores can teach responsibility, they often overlook an important first step. Before kids can take initiative, they have to learn how to notice what needs their attention without waiting for us to point it out.

Together we explore:

• Why constantly reminding your child to clean up, put something away, or help out may unintentionally keep you carrying the mental load.

• The important difference between teaching kids to do chores and teaching them to notice what needs to be done.

• A surprisingly simple exercise you can try at home to start building this skill in just 10 to 15 minutes.

• Why something that feels completely obvious to you may require far more executive functioning than you realize for your child.

• How to scaffold these skills without nagging, micromanaging, or eventually giving up and doing it yourself.

• What to do when your child rolls their eyes, pushes back, or simply refuses to participate.

• How to adapt this approach for kids with ADHD, strong-willed kids, and children who need more support with executive functioning.

• Why teaching kids to carry some of the mental load isn't really about having a cleaner house, but about shaping the partners, friends, family members, and adults they eventually become.

If you're exhausted from constantly telling everyone what needs to be done, this conversation offers a different way to think about chores, responsibility, and what it actually takes to raise kids who see what needs doing and know how to step in.

LEARN MORE ABOUT MY GUEST:

🔗 Sam Kelly

📚 Notice and Do: Raise Capable Kids, End Motherhood Burnout, and Lighten Your Mental Load

📱@samkelly_world

LEARN MORE ABOUT ME:

🔗 Dr. Sarah Bren

🔗 Check out my group practice, Upshur Bren Psychology Group, offering therapy and coaching for individuals, children, parents, and families

📱IG: @drsarahbren

ADDITIONAL REFERENCES AND RESOURCES:

👉 Want extra support in your parenting journey? Upshur Bren Psychology Group offers therapy and coaching to give parents the tools to feel more grounded and confident as they navigate parenthood and learn how to most effectively support their child. Visit upshurbren.com to explore our services and schedule a free 30-minute consultation call to find the support that's right for your family.

CHECK OUT ADDITIONAL PODCAST EPISODES YOU MAY LIKE:

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about how to find balance in the home, at work, and in parenthood with Chelsi Jo

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about balancing the load of parenthood with Lauren A. Tetenbaum

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode with a deep dive on parental burnout

Dr. Adam McCormick, professor, social worker, and author joins me to explore what happens to boys' emotional worlds as they grow up, and how parents can help their sons stay connected to the parts of themselves they may otherwise learn to hide.

Together we explore:

• Why so many boys gradually disconnect from emotions they once expressed freely.

• The powerful role shame can play beneath anger, withdrawal, and challenging behavior, and why boys often don't have the language to recognize it.

• How even well-intentioned parents may respond differently to their sons' emotions without realizing it.

• Why trying to fix a boy's feelings can sometimes get in the way of the connection he actually needs.

• What boys learn when they feel valued for who they are, rather than for how they perform.

• Why small moments of delight, attention, play, and connection can have a much bigger impact than we realize.

• A simple shift that can make it easier for boys to open up about the things that matter most.

• How we can hold boys accountable for their behavior while still staying curious about what that behavior may be communicating.

• Why helping boys stay connected to their inner worlds now may shape the friendships, romantic relationships, and emotional lives they build later.

Whether you're raising a toddler, a teenager, or somewhere in between, this conversation offers a hopeful reminder that boys don't need us to teach them how to feel. They need us to help protect the emotional capacities they already have, so they don't have to lose connection with themselves in order to feel like they belong.

LEARN MORE ABOUT MY GUEST:

🔗Adam McCormick

📚Healing the Helping Professional: The Unfinished Business of Childhood Trauma

📱LinkedIn: Adam McCormick

LEARN MORE ABOUT ME:

🔗 Dr. Sarah Bren

🔗 Check out my group practice, Upshur Bren Psychology Group, offering therapy and coaching for individuals, children, parents, and families

📱IG: @drsarahbren

ADDITIONAL REFERENCES AND RESOURCES:

🎧 444. The connection crisis: Why kids are struggling with friendship and what parents can do with Dr. Niobe Way

👉 Want extra support in your parenting journey? Upshur Bren Psychology Group offers therapy and coaching to give parents the tools to feel more grounded and confident as they navigate parenthood and learn how to most effectively support their child. Visit upshurbren.com to explore our services and schedule a free 30-minute consultation call to find the support that's right for your family.

CHECK OUT ADDITIONAL PODCAST EPISODES YOU MAY LIKE:

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about raising emotionally intelligent sons with Ruth Whippman

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about why boys and girls need different things with Michael Gurian

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about how to support your child's secure attachment even if you didn't grow up with it with Dr. Miriam Steele

Beyond the Sessions is answering YOUR parenting questions! In this episode, Dr. Rebecca Hershberg, Dr. Emily Upshur, and I talk about...

• What to make of advice that tells you not to comfort your child when they're distressed.

• Why a frightened toddler at the doctor's office is communicating something very different than "bad behavior."

• The common misunderstanding about reinforcement that leaves many parents second-guessing themselves.

• Whether responding to your child's fears actually makes them more dependent or "too attached."

• How to know when it's okay to trust your instincts, even when they conflict with advice from an authority figure.

• What attachment research actually says about soothing, separation, and healthy independence.

• Why one difficult interaction doesn't have to become something you worry about "damaging" your child.

If you've ever left a doctor's appointment feeling unsettled by advice that didn't sit right, or found yourself wondering whether comforting your child is helping or hurting, this episode will give you the confidence to better understand what's happening beneath your child's behavior and trust your instincts as a parent.

REFERENCES AND RELATED RESOURCES:

👉 Want extra support in your parenting journey? Upshur Bren Psychology Group offers therapy and coaching to give parents the tools to feel more grounded and confident as they navigate parenthood and learn how to most effectively support their child. Visit upshurbren.com to explore our services and schedule a free 30-minute consultation call to find the support that's right for your family.

🎧 Is it better for my kids if I send them to daycare, have a nanny, or become a stay-at-home mom?

CHECK OUT ADDITIONAL PODCAST EPISODES YOU MAY LIKE:

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode with the basics of attachment theory

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode with a deep dive into strengthening your child's attachment as they grow: What children need from us at every stage of development

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about how secure attachment influences children's ability to make sense of their experiences and cope in the face of adversity with Dr. Alan Sroufe

WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU:

Go to https://drsarahbren.com/question to send us a question or a topic you want to hear us answer on Securely Attached - Beyond the Sessions!

Author, speaker, and neuroscience educator Sarah Peyton joins me to explore what happens when attachment theory, Nonviolent Communication, and the science of resonance come together.

Together we explore:

• Why feeling understood is so important for your child's developing brain, nervous system, and sense of self.

• The fascinating difference between empathy and resonance, and why that distinction matters in our relationships with our kids.

• How your own attachment history can influence the way you respond when your child is upset, reactive, or pushing your buttons.

• Why the same behavior from your child might barely bother you one day, and feel completely intolerable the next.

• How Nonviolent Communication can help you look beneath your child's behavior and get curious about the feelings and needs driving it.

• The surprising connection between secure attachment and independence, and why pushing children to become more independent can sometimes have the opposite effect.

• How becoming more resonant with your child can begin to shift your own attachment patterns too.

• Why changing the way you relate to your child doesn't happen overnight, but can profoundly change your relationship over time.

Whether you're trying to break patterns from your own childhood, understand why certain parenting moments feel so triggering, or simply want to feel more connected to your child, this conversation offers a fascinating new way to think about what it really means to feel seen, understood, and securely connected.

LEARN MORE ABOUT MY GUEST:

🔗 Sarah Peyton

📚 Your Resonant Self: Guided Meditations and Exercises to Engage Your Brain's Capacity for Healing

📱IG: @sarahpeytonauthor FB: Empathy Brain YouTube: Sarah Peyton

LEARN MORE ABOUT ME:

🔗 Dr. Sarah Bren

🔗 Check out my group practice, Upshur Bren Psychology Group, offering therapy and coaching for individuals, children, parents, and families

📱IG: @drsarahbren

ADDITIONAL REFERENCES AND RESOURCES:

🎧 Learn more about what Nonviolent Communication is with Oren Jay Sofer

📚 The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.

📚 Parenting from Your Heart: Sharing the Gifts of Compassion, Connection and Choice (Nonviolent Communication Guides) by Inbal Kashtan

👉 Looking for additional support? Upshur Bren Psychology Group helps children and adults heal from attachment wounds, relational trauma, and difficult early experiences, so you can feel more grounded in yourself and build healthier, more connected relationships with the people who matter most. Visit upshurbren.com to explore our services or schedule a free 30-minute consultation to find the right support for you.

CHECK OUT ADDITIONAL PODCAST EPISODES YOU MAY LIKE:

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about how to support your child's secure attachment even if you didn't grow up with it, with Dr. Miriam Steele

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about understanding sensitivity, resilience, and what really shapes kids with Dr. Jay Belsky

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about Polyvagal Theory with Dr. Stephen Porges

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about the lifelong impact of early relationships with Dr. Alan Sroufe

Dr. Niobe Way, developmental psychologist and bestselling author, sits down with me to explore why meaningful connection is so essential for our children, and what may be getting in the way of their natural capacity to build it. Drawing on decades of research with children and adolescents, Dr. Way challenges some of our most deeply held assumptions about what kids need to thrive and offers a hopeful look at the skills they already possess.

Together we explore:

• Why children may be far more intrinsically caring, cooperative, and curious than we give them credit for.

• What happens to kids' desire for deep, meaningful friendships as they move from childhood into adolescence, and why boys' experiences may surprise you.

• The overlooked connection between your child's social health and their mental health.

• Why secure attachment is incredibly important, but may not be enough to protect kids from the cultural messages they receive as they grow.

• How our well-intentioned focus on achievement can indirectly send our kids a message we never meant to communicate.

• Why the questions we ask our children can either shut down connection or open the door to an entirely different kind of conversation.

• What Dr. Way discovered when she stopped questioning her daughter about homework and started getting curious about something she didn't particularly want her watching on TikTok.

• The surprisingly simple skill that may help children feel more seen, strengthen their friendships, and even support their learning.

• What parents can do at home to nurture the relational skills our children are already wired to have.

If you've ever worried about your child's friendships, wondered how to stay connected as they get older, or felt caught between preparing them to succeed and helping them become caring, connected humans, this conversation offers a powerful new way to think about what our kids need most.

LEARN MORE ABOUT MY GUEST:

🔗 Dr. Niobe Way

📚 Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, and Our Culture

🔗 Social Health Institute

📱 IG: @wayniobe FB: Niobe Way LinkedIn: Dr. Niobe Way

LEARN MORE ABOUT ME:

🔗 Dr. Sarah Bren

🔗 Check out my group practice, Upshur Bren Psychology Group, offering therapy and coaching for individuals, children, parents, and families

📱IG: @drsarahbren

ADDITIONAL REFERENCES AND RESOURCES:

🔗 Parenting support for kids who are battling the epidemic of depression, anxiety and crisis of connection in today's society - supporting both parents and the kids themselves

CHECK OUT ADDITIONAL PODCAST EPISODES YOU MAY LIKE:

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about the hidden dangers of an achievement-centric approach with Jennifer Breheny Wallace

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about raising emotionally intelligent sons: Parenting boys to combat "toxic masculinity" with Ruth Whippman

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about the lifelong impact of early relationships with Dr. Alan Sroufe

Dr. Marisa G. Franco, psychologist and author of the new book Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment, sits down with me to explore a side of attachment we don't talk about nearly enough: our relationship with ourselves.

Together we explore:

• Why trying to "act secure" may actually leave you feeling more insecure.

• What it really means to become "secure-ish," and why security doesn't require getting rid of your anxiety, insecurity, or uncomfortable emotions.

• The surprising connection between attachment and self-worth, and why changing how you feel about yourself may require more than positive thinking.

• How experiences from your past can become a blueprint for what you expect from relationships today, and the fascinating science suggesting that blueprint can be edited.

• Why being the agreeable, easygoing person isn't always as healthy as it looks, and where all those suppressed emotions can eventually go.

• What your relationship with your own emotions has to do with how you respond when your child is having big ones.

• Why some parents find themselves losing it more with the people they love the most, even when they're working incredibly hard to stay calm.

• How learning to welcome the parts of yourself you've spent years trying to change may be one of the most powerful ways to build genuine security from the inside out.

If you've ever wondered why you can understand secure attachment intellectually but still find yourself falling into old patterns, this conversation offers a very different way of thinking about what it actually means to feel secure, not just in your relationships, but within yourself.

LEARN MORE ABOUT MY GUEST:

🔗 Dr. Marisa G. Franco

📚 Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment

📱 @drmarisagfranco

LEARN MORE ABOUT ME:

🔗 Dr. Sarah Bren

🔗 Check out my group practice, Upshur Bren Psychology Group, offering therapy and coaching for individuals, children, parents, and families

📱IG: @drsarahbren

ADDITIONAL REFERENCES AND RESOURCES:

🔗 Click HERE to download my free guide, The Four Pillars of Fostering Secure Attachment, helping you parent with a focus on attunement and trust.

👉 Want extra support in your parenting journey? Upshur Bren Psychology Group offers therapy and coaching to give parents the tools to feel more grounded and confident as they navigate parenthood and learn how to most effectively support their child. Visit upshurbren.com to explore our services and schedule a free 30-minute consultation call to find the support that's right for your family.

CHECK OUT ADDITIONAL PODCAST EPISODES YOU MAY LIKE:

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about fostering secure attachment relationships

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about how to support your child's secure attachment even if you didn't grow up with it, with Dr. Miriam Steele

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode with what children need from us at every stage of development to foster a secure attachment

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about whether insecure attachment may not be as bad as we think with Dr. Or Dagan

Jennifer Anderson, registered dietitian, founder of Kids Eat in Color, and author of the new book Feed Them Well: A Guide to Raising Healthy, Confident Eaters for Life, joins me to help parents cut through the noise around nutrition, focus on what actually matters, and let go of the guilt, perfectionism, and fear that so often surround mealtimes.

Together we explore:

• Why the atmosphere around the table may matter just as much as what's on your child's plate.

• The surprising reason play can be one of the most effective tools for helping picky eaters become more adventurous.

• How to tell the difference between nutrition advice that's worth paying attention to and the headlines designed to scare you.

• The simple framework Jennifer uses to help parents stop worrying about every food trend and focus on the changes that make the biggest difference.

• Why talking about foods as "good" or "bad" may shape the way children think about eating in ways we don't always realize.

• What parents can do when the usual feeding advice doesn't seem to work for their unique child.

• How your own relationship with food may be influencing your child's, often without you even realizing it.

• The permission every parent needs to stop chasing perfect nutrition and start building a healthier relationship with food for the whole family.

Whether you're navigating picky eating, trying to cut through the endless stream of nutrition advice online, or simply hoping mealtimes can feel a little less stressful, this conversation will leave you feeling calmer, more confident, and equipped with practical strategies you can start using right away.

LEARN MORE ABOUT MY GUEST:

🔗 Kids Eat in Color

📚 Feed Them Well: A Guide to Raising Healthy, Confident Eaters for Life

📱 IG: @kids.eat.in.color TikTok: @kids.eat.in.color FB: Kids Eat in Color

LEARN MORE ABOUT ME:

🔗 Dr. Sarah Bren

🔗 Check out my group practice, Upshur Bren Psychology Group, offering therapy and coaching for individuals, children, parents, and families

📱IG: @drsarahbren

ADDITIONAL REFERENCES AND RESOURCES:

👉 Need support with picky eating or feeding challenges? If mealtimes have become a source of stress, or your child is struggling with picky eating, ARFID, or other feeding challenges, Upshur Bren Psychology Group offers parent coaching to help you better understand what's driving your child's eating and learn practical, evidence-based strategies to support them. Visit upshurbren.com to learn more or schedule a free 30-minute consultation call to find the support that's right for your family.

CHECK OUT ADDITIONAL PODCAST EPISODES YOU MAY LIKE:

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about picky eating, ARFID, and SPACE with Dr. Yaara Shimshoni

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about nurturing open mindedness in kids through food with Priya Krishna

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about what to do if your child would never stop eating unless you restrict them?

Dr. Siggie Cohen, child development specialist, parenting expert, and author of the new book You Are the Parent joins me to discuss why so many parents today feel overwhelmed, second-guess themselves, and wonder if they're getting it all wrong.

Together we explore:

• Why so many well-intentioned parents get stuck in a cycle of trying new parenting strategies that never seem to work, and what to focus on instead.

• The subtle difference between validating your child's emotions and accidentally reinforcing behaviors that aren't helping them.

• Why behavior doesn't change because of the perfect consequence or script, but because of something much deeper happening within the parent-child relationship.

• The common child development misconceptions that leave parents expecting too much or too little from their children.

• Why repeating the same explanations over and over often isn't the answer, even when your child seems like they "aren't listening."

• How to respond to hitting, aggression, and other challenging behaviors in ways that support both emotional regulation and healthy boundaries.

• What it really means to become your child's leader without becoming controlling, harsh, or authoritarian.

• How to begin changing long-standing family patterns, even if your child is older and you've been parenting a different way for years.

• The powerful mindset shift that can help you stop parenting from fear and start trusting yourself again.

If you've ever worried about whether you're validating too much, setting too many limits, or simply trying your best while feeling pulled in a dozen different parenting directions, this conversation will help you cut through the noise, feel more confident in your role, and better understand what children truly need to thrive.

LEARN MORE ABOUT MY GUEST:

🔗 Dr. Siggie Cohen

📚 You Are the Parent: Move from Overparenting to Balanced Parenting and Become the Leader Your Child Needs – A Framework for Confident Parenting Through Discipline, Boundaries, and Emotional Skills

📱 @dr.siggie

LEARN MORE ABOUT ME:

🔗 Dr. Sarah Bren

🔗 Check out my group practice, Upshur Bren Psychology Group, offering therapy and coaching for individuals, children, parents, and families

📱IG: @drsarahbren

ADDITIONAL REFERENCES AND RESOURCES:

👉 Want extra support in your parenting journey? Upshur Bren Psychology Group offers therapy and coaching to give parents the tools to feel more grounded and confident as they navigate parenthood and learn how to most effectively support their child. Visit upshurbren.com to explore our services and schedule a free 30-minute consultation call to find the support that's right for your family.

CHECK OUT ADDITIONAL PODCAST EPISODES YOU MAY LIKE:

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about how to integrate effective discipline that prioritizes emotional and mental health with Sarah R. Moore

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about teaching children emotion regulation through co-regulation with Dana Rosenbloom

🎧 Listen to my podcast episode about what parents can do when none of the gentle parenting scripts and tips work for your kid with Dr. Cindy Hovington

As part of our 5-Year Anniversary Summer Series, we're bringing back one of the most meaningful and foundational conversations in Securely Attached history.

Many parents worry that if they didn't experience a secure attachment in their own childhood, they'll unknowingly repeat those same patterns with their children. But one of the most hopeful findings in attachment research is that our past does not have to determine our children's future.

In this conversation, I sit down with renowned attachment researcher Dr. Miriam Steele to explore how secure attachment develops, how insecure attachment patterns are passed from one generation to the next, and, most importantly, how we can break those cycles.

Together we discuss:

• What secure and insecure attachment really mean, and some of the biggest misconceptions surrounding attachment theory.

• How children develop different attachment strategies in response to their early caregiving experiences.

• Why secure attachment is built through consistent responsiveness, not perfect parenting.

• The surprising research showing that parents don't need to be attuned all the time for children to develop secure attachment.

• What reflective functioning is and how it helps parents interrupt intergenerational cycles of insecure attachment.

• Why understanding your own childhood experiences can transform the way you parent your children.

• The difference between attachment science and popular "attachment parenting."

• Why repair matters more than getting it right every time.

• Practical ways to strengthen your relationship with your child, even if you didn't grow up with secure attachment yourself.

• The hopeful message that it is never too late to create a more secure future for your family.

This conversation is a powerful reminder that secure attachment is not about perfection, nor is it determined by the childhood you had. It is built through thousands of ordinary moments of connection, curiosity, repair, and reflection. Dr. Steele's research offers tremendous hope that when we become more aware of our own patterns and learn to respond with greater understanding, we have the power to change the trajectory not only of our own lives, but of future generations.

⭐ Celebrating 5 Years of Securely Attached ⭐

If you've enjoyed the podcast over the years, we'd love your help celebrating this milestone. Our birthday wish is simple: five stars for five years. If these conversations have supported you and your family, please consider leaving a five-star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen. Your support helps more parents discover the show and allows us to continue bringing these conversations to families around the world.