SOLVED with Mark Manson

Making friends is hard, and unfortunately, as you get older, it gets harder.

In this episode, we look at research behind friendships, plus the complicating factors people experience in making new friends as they get older.

And for anyone struggling with their social lives, we share practical tips on how to meet and keep new friends.

Enjoy and, good luck out there.

CHAPTERS

• 00:00:00 Introduction: Mexico City Birthday Trip and Getting Robbed
• 00:04:20 Why Travel Builds Intimacy Faster
• 00:05:33 The Four Variables That Create Friendship
• 00:07:59 Remote Work Is Killing Workplace Friendships
• 00:11:16 The Partner and Kids Problem
• 00:13:55 When Your Friends Have Kids
• 00:18:50 The Friendship Paradox of Your Twenties
• 00:22:46 College: The Friendship Utopia We Can't Recreate
• 00:24:38 Be Aggressive on Hobbies and Interests
• 00:31:50 The Follow-Up Problem
• 00:34:11 Lead With Generosity
• 00:36:22 The Four Levels of Friendship
• 00:41:47 Why Friendship Matters More Than Romance
• 00:42:30 Final Wisdom: If You Want a Friend, Be a Friend

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Social media messes with our expectations because it convinces us that we should be doing everything, everywhere, all at once.

But the reality is that we should focus on doing one or two things extremely well, in one place, consistently over a long period of time.

Today on the pod, I talk to Noah Kagan, multi-millionaire and multi-business owner, about the type of consistency and habits that lead to wealth.

Noah created his own wealth out of self-belief, learning from failing and being careful with what he gives a fuck about. Noah’s story is compelling as he shares how he found success over decades, by never ceasing to try.

If you’re looking for some raw talk to get you motivated to go out and do cool shit, this is the episode to sink your energy into. Enjoy.

CHAPTERS

• 00:00:00 Introduction: What Don't You Give a Fuck About?
• 00:02:43 The Coffee Challenge: Practicing Rejection
• 00:03:40 Rejection Goals and Taking Action
• 00:15:23 Figuring Out What You Actually Want
• 00:18:23 The Journey to Self-Acceptance
• 00:19:41 Having Something to Look Forward To
• 00:21:08 The Quality of Your Friendships
• 00:23:40 Fame, Attention, and Ego
• 00:25:58 The Will Smith Slap and Being Human
• 00:32:35 The Slow Ramp Up: How Success Really Happens
• 00:33:41 Getting Fired From Facebook and Mint
• 00:44:40 The Power of Starting With One Dollar
• 00:38:47 Leadership, Self-Awareness, and CEO Surveys
• 00:51:41 Less Ambitious Goals for Longer Periods
• 00:55:33 YouTube, Knocking on Doors, and Asking the Right Questions
• 01:00:12 Mark's Failed Man-on-the-Street Video
• 01:01:50 The Videos Mark Is Most Proud Of
• 01:06:43 Hedonic Adaptation and Managing Expectations
• 01:10:47 Owning Your Word: The Subtle Art of Embracing Your Brand
• 01:12:30 Closing Thoughts: Did I Give Too Many Fucks?

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I came across some mildly terrifying statistics on loneliness and wanted to figure out what was going on.

In this episode Drew and I break down three paradoxes we're calling “The Three Paradoxes of Modern Loneliness” and they are as follows:

1. We are more connected than ever, yet loneliness is at an all-time high
2. The more urbanized our lifestyles become, the lonelier we become
3. Despite being more social, young people are becoming lonelier than older people

Join us as we dig into the data and discuss why this all might be happening and what we can do about it. Check it out.

CHAPTERS

• 00:00:00 The Loneliness Crisis: Shocking Statistics
• 00:00:55 Paradox 1: More Connected, More Lonely
• 00:02:50 The Momentum of Intimacy and Social Sorting
• 00:06:46 From Social Graph to Interest Graph: The TikTok Shift
• 00:08:30 Empty Calories: Why Digital Interactions Don't Satisfy
• 00:10:51 Dating Apps and the Superficiality Problem
• 00:14:09 The Missing Accountability: Why Everyone's Meaner Online
• 00:16:17 Paradox 2: Urban Loneliness in Crowded Cities
• 00:19:13 Social Infrastructure: The Key to Urban Connection
• 00:20:54 Living Alone: The 400% Increase and What It Means
• 00:24:00 The Marriage Question: Quality Up, Quantity Down
• 00:27:13 Paradox 3: Why Gen Z Is the Loneliest Generation
• 00:29:14 Trading Weed for TikTok: The Teen Mental Health Crisis
• 00:31:38 Interpersonal Neurobiology: Why Face-to-Face Matters
• 00:33:48 The Takeaway: We're Failing Our Kids

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What if there was a way accomplish meaningful work—without the associated relationship breakdowns or stress? What if “making an impact” didn’t require massive amounts of energy or sacrifice? What if you could get more done by doing less?

In this episode, I talk to Cal Newport about how knowledge work has got it all wrong. We discuss the subtle dangers of remote/digital work and the key to avoiding burnout, all while still being able to grind on the things you love.

If you’re a stressed out, overworked remote worker, this one is for you.

CHAPTERS

• 00:00:00 The Burnout Epidemic: Why Flexibility Isn't Fixing the Problem
• 00:01:22 Meet Cal Newport: The Professor Who Sold 20 Million Books Without Social Media
• 00:02:52 What Is Slow Productivity?
• 00:04:17 The History of Productivity: From Factories to Knowledge Work
• 00:05:34 Pseudo-Productivity: The Activity Trap That's Killing Knowledge Workers
• 00:06:52 The Corporate Meeting Nightmare: Why Everything Takes 90 Minutes
• 00:08:30 Measuring Success on a Decade Scale: The John McPhee Example
• 00:10:52 Adapting Traditional Knowledge Work Principles to Modern Jobs
• 00:12:41 Take Longer: Why Doubling Your Timeline Produces Better Work
• 00:14:23 The Beatles and Sergeant Pepper: Balancing Ambition With Deadlines
• 00:18:37 Principle One: Do Fewer Things at Once
• 00:19:20 The Overhead Tax: Why Every Commitment Generates Hidden Work
• 00:20:55 Specialization Over Jack-of-All-Trades: A Team Management Lesson
• 00:22:16 Remote Work and the Invisible Overhead Tax
• 00:23:58 The Friction Paradox: Why Removing Barriers Makes Things Worse
• 00:26:49 Context Switching: The Productivity Poison
• 00:29:36 The Remote Work Paradox: Highest Satisfaction, Highest Burnout
• 00:31:07 Hybrid Work and the Meeting Explosion
• 00:33:01 Freedom as Anxiety: The Sartre Problem With Endless Options
• 00:36:44 Making Your Workload Transparent: The Shared Queue Solution
• 00:39:47 Pull vs. Push: The Manufacturing Lesson Knowledge Work Ignores
• 00:43:20 Video Production Bottlenecks: Applying Pull Systems to Content Creation
• 00:44:09 Principle Two: Work at a Natural Pace
• 00:46:15 The Beatles, Mark Twain, and Picasso: Variability Within Massive Output
• 00:47:03 Distinguishing Natural Pace From Procrastination
• 00:16:50 Lin-Manuel Miranda's Seven-Year Journey: Milestones Without Endless Time
• 00:49:49 The Anti-Productivity Movement vs. Slow Productivity
• 00:52:59 Principle Three: Obsess Over Quality
• 00:52:43 Self-Care vs. Self-Indulgence: Where's the Line?
• 00:55:25 Is Slow Productivity a Privileged Position?
• 00:58:36 Entry-Level Knowledge Work: Moving Up Through Rare and Valuable Skills
• 01:02:32 Gen Z: The Attention Span Crisis and Hidden Advantages
• 01:06:18 From Self-Destruction to Construction: Gen Z's Cultural Shift
• 01:07:56 Generational Evolution: From Follow Your Passion to Job Engineering
• 01:10:19 The MIT Theory Group: Where It All Began
• 01:09:09 Slow Productivity as an Umbrella Framework

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What if the answer isn’t to do more? What if the answer is to want less?

I’ve always believed that subtracting from your life can produce better results than trying to add something. Generally, quitting a bad habit, or a bad mindset, or anything distracting, will have a bigger impact on your life than learning more.

This episode covers a few things I think we should stop doing to live a better life. Enjoy.

CHAPTERS

• 00:00:00 Introduction: 6 Things to Stop Doing in 2024
• 00:00:28 Stop Investing in Emotionally Unavailable People
• 00:03:01 The Trap of Taking People for Granted
• 00:03:52 Dating Apps, Addiction, and the EU Lawsuit Against Hinge
• 00:05:04 Stop Blaming Everyone Else for Your Problems
• 00:06:34 Algorithms, Social Media, and Human Nature
• 00:07:46 Social Media's Impact on Teenagers vs. Adults
• 00:09:36 Stop Comparing Yourself to Others: Instagram and Social Comparison
• 00:11:49 Healthy vs. Toxic Social Comparison
• 00:14:31 Social Media Hides the Ambiguity of Real Life
• 00:15:55 Stop Expecting Other People to Change
• 00:18:41 Why Changing Others Often Means Avoiding Changing Yourself
• 00:19:30 The Evolution of Giving Advice: From Arrogance to Humility
• 00:21:36 Be the Counterargument, Don't Make the Counterargument
• 00:23:05 Stop Burying Your Emotions: The Intellectualization Trap
• 00:24:38 Memory Gaps and Suppressed Emotions
• 00:26:28 The Balance Between Suppressing and Overindulging Emotions
• 00:28:15 Real Vulnerability vs. TikTok Vulnerability
• 00:30:46 Vulnerability, Honesty, and Freedom Are Linked
• 00:31:35 The Mental Health Conversation Problem
• 00:32:48 Stop Sacrificing Sleep for Productivity or Fun
• 00:34:30 The Individual Nature of Sleep Flexibility
• 00:36:30 Stop Drinking: Drew's Two-Year Sobriety Journey
• 00:38:29 What Sobriety Reveals About Yourself and Your Relationships
• 00:40:32 When Self-Destructiveness Was Cool
• 00:42:50 The 90s Rock Culture: A Retrospective
• 00:44:21 When You Don't Have Real Problems, You Invent Them

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Successful people talk a lot about what made them successful. But they're rarely asked about all the things that went wrong.

What about all of the things that failed? Or all the times they got fired? Embarrassed themselves? Spent time in jobs that were just plain weird or awful?

No one asks this stuff. Until now of course.

In this episode, I talk to my friend Derek Sivers about the weird and awful jobs that eventually led him to become a millionaire. From circus ringleader to founder of one the most successful music start-ups of our time, this guy has a story to tell.

Derek Sivers is the author of four books, founder of CD Baby which he sold for $22 million (then gave most of it away), and just an all-around badass.

CHAPTERS

• 00:00:00 Introduction: The Jobs That Didn't Work Out
• 00:01:44 The Pig Show That Changed Everything
• 00:04:53 The Professional Pest: Getting Paid to Annoy College Students
• 00:08:50 Mark's Investment Banking Disaster
• 00:13:50 The Metaphorical Time Zone and Corporate Reality
• 00:17:48 Class Reunions and Working for Dreams, Not Money
• 00:19:46 Telemarketing and the Art of Not Being Yourself
• 00:24:30 Identity, Authenticity, and Cultural Differences
• 00:26:42 Mark's Three-Week Career as a Bouncer
• 00:30:07 The Value of Weird Jobs and Empathy
• 00:30:52 Comfort as a Trap and Keeping Your Baseline Low
• 00:42:22 Home as a Place With No Obstacles
• 00:34:14 Quitting the Marathon: When Goals Don't Serve You
• 00:35:25 The Landmark Forum and Life Having No Inherent Meaning
• 00:38:10 Investing in Skills Over Paychecks
• 00:31:51 The Horizon Principle: Why Hardship Doesn't Feel Hard
• 00:39:42 What Cities Whisper: New York, Luxury, and Success
• 00:48:12 Being Around Greatness: Geography and Ambition
• 00:44:22 How Derek Became a Japanese Rock Star
• 00:55:46 Alan Tepper and Creating Your Own Job
• 00:58:39 Mark's Career as a Men's Dating Coach
• 01:01:40 Transactional Thinking and Missing Father Figures
• 01:03:59 The Teacher Learns More Than the Student
• 01:06:34 Wrap-Up: Failed Jobs That Made Us Who We Are

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The most important truths in life are the ones we don’t like to hear.

In fact, I managed to make an entire career out of sharing these types of truths because the stuff we don’t like hearing is often what we need to hear the most.

In this episode I have a lot of fun going through—one-by-one—six nuggets of wisdom, designed to make us all less awful humans. So saddle up bitches, I’m here to break hearts today.

CHAPTERS

• 00:00:00 Introduction: Important Truths No One Likes to Hear
• 00:00:32 Truth 1: If You Think You Have a Problem, You Do
• 00:02:51 The Backwards Law and Gratitude Practices
• 00:07:55 Why Your Solutions Stop Working Over Time
• 00:09:44 California Groupthink and Finding Your People
• 00:12:14 Truth 2: Sexy Results Come From Boring Work
• 00:15:41 Music School, Practice Rooms, and Perfectionism
• 00:17:29 Exercise: Consistency Beats Extreme Workouts
• 00:18:47 Truth 3: Consistency Matters More Than Intensity
• 00:20:47 Relationships Need Small Gestures, Not Grand Ones
• 00:22:32 Kevin Kelly's Parenting Advice and High Leverage Moments
• 00:26:42 Marathon Training: Run Slow to Get Fast
• 00:26:58 Truth 4: People Feel About You How You Feel About Yourself
• 00:30:06 Breaking the Vicious Cycle: Setting Your First Boundaries
• 00:31:39 Truth 5: You'll Look Back on Today's Problems With Nostalgia
• 00:34:27 Learning to Appreciate Struggle in the Moment
• 00:37:53 The Bittersweetness of Hard Times
• 00:39:33 Truth 6: The Only Common Factor in Your Problems Is You
• 00:40:43 Mark and Fernanda's Community Problem Across Three Cities
• 00:42:31 Locus of Control and The Responsibility-Fault Fallacy
• 00:45:29 Recap: Six Truths No One Wants to Hear

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Could it be that today’s increased awareness about emotions, and our obsession with mental health issues, are actually causing more mental health issues? More people are doing therapy, but are those people potentially doing it wrong?

Therapist, counselor, and author Lori Gottlieb says that a lot of our culture’s approach to mental health is wrong.

In today’s podcast, we discuss what it takes to do therapy effectively. We discuss the prevalence of mental health content online and why that may be a bad thing. We talk about how people’s misunderstandings of vulnerability and boundaries can backfire. And we get into the effect social media might be having on this.

Enjoy.

CHAPTERS

• 00:00:00 Introduction: What If We're Getting Therapy Wrong?
• 00:01:25 How to Actually Do Therapy Well
• 00:03:25 Idiot Compassion vs. Wise Compassion
• 00:04:31 The Presenting Problem vs. The Real Problem
• 00:06:28 The Prisoner Shaking the Bars
• 00:08:23 Coming to Unknow Yourself
• 00:09:55 How to Take Advice Well and the Help-Rejecting Complainer
• 00:13:40 Defense Mechanisms: Why We Cling to What Hurts Us
• 00:15:40 The Toxic Rescuer Dynamic
• 00:18:03 The Stages of Change and Why Maintenance Matters Most
• 00:20:53 The Ripple Effects of Change Nobody Talks About
• 00:21:59 When Your Partner Doesn't Want You to Change
• 00:24:09 Small Changes vs. Extreme Overhauls
• 00:25:27 The Mental Health Crisis Paradox
• 00:26:43 Why Men Think They're the Only Ones
• 00:30:00 The Permission to Be Human
• 00:32:30 The Danger of Trauma Inflation and Concept Creep
• 00:33:49 Rupture and Repair: The Lost Art of Relationship
• 00:34:50 The Prevalence Inflation Hypothesis
• 00:36:51 Performative Vulnerability vs. Real Vulnerability
• 00:38:30 Choose Your Audience: Vulnerability Isn't for Everyone
• 00:40:02 Boundaries Are With Yourself, Not Others
• 00:41:18 The Cut-Off Culture and the Loneliness Epidemic
• 00:43:28 Flexibility: The Number One Quality in a Partner
• 00:44:11 Sometimes the Friction Is the Point
• 00:45:23 When Therapy Becomes the Problem
• 00:46:28 The Worst Business Model Ever: Knowing When to Leave Therapy
• 00:48:53 The Human Condition as It Happens
• 00:50:53 Authenticity Over Credentials
• 00:51:39 What's Next and the TV Adaptation

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We all overestimate how much you have to do to actually be happy.

But what if I told you that achieving happiness is much simpler than you think? That’s right, the smallest lifestyle changes can have the most unexpected knock-on effects towards positive change. It’s actually quite incredible once you experience it.

In today’s episode of the pod, we delve into the 3 of the most important questions that you can ask yourself in determining your own levels of happiness. These are questions worth asking.

Make me happy by liking and reviewing the episode. Make someone else happy by sharing it with them.

CHAPTERS

• 00:00:00 Introduction: The Three Questions That Determine Happiness
• 00:00:39 Question 1: How Well Am I Treating My Body?
• 00:02:32 The Spiritual Side of Self-Discipline
• 00:03:02 Mark's Health Journey: From External to Internal Motivation
• 00:04:04 The Surprising Benefits of Quitting Alcohol
• 00:07:03 The Knock-On Effects: How Feeling Good Changes Everything
• 00:08:26 Question 2: Who Am I Spending My Time With and Why?
• 00:11:03 Don't Take Good Friends for Granted
• 00:13:16 The Loneliness Epidemic and the Harvard Study
• 00:15:19 The Hippies Were Right: It's All About Love
• 00:16:05 Question 3: What Am I Working On and Why?
• 00:16:55 Cal Newport's Insight: Get Good First, Passion Follows
• 00:18:43 The Secretary Who Loved Her Job for 60 Years
• 00:19:54 Why Your Hobby Should Stay a Hobby
• 00:22:28 Drew's Woodworking: A Case Study in Pure Passion
• 00:24:47 Mark's Profound Realization: I Love the Business, Not Just Writing
• 00:27:45 Grading Ourselves on the Three Questions
• 00:29:36 Mark's Social Life Challenge: Finding Community While Sober
• 00:31:04 California Sober and LA Party Culture
• 00:32:02 Wrap-Up and Newsletter Invitation

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What do you do when trying to improve your life makes you feel worse? What if trying to be better comes across as ‘try-hard’? What if setting more goals is just your way of avoiding your own bullshit?

This is the topic of discussion in today’s episode, “The Self-Improvement Paradox”—or in other words, why sometimes trying to be better makes you feel worse. It turns out improving yourself is nuanced and complicated.

Who would have thought?

Check it out.

CHAPTERS

• 00:00:00 Introduction
• 00:01:37 Question #1: When is improving yourself being try-hard?
• 00:10:35 Question #2: How do you balance improving yourself with accepting yourself?
• 00:20:14 Question #3: Is too much self-esteem really that big of a problem?

⇨ Sign up for my newsletter, Your Next Breakthrough. It will help make you a less awful person: ⁠⁠⁠⁨

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