Love and Abuse

Why do people who claim to care about us hurt us when they see that we're suffering? Shouldn't our suffering be enough for them to stop the behaviors? It's one of the most common questions I receive: If they really love me, why do they hurt me?

Dealing with a hurtful person is often hard enough. When they have hurtful parents, however, it gets even harder. Especially when you thought you had a somewhat good relationship with them. When their parents can't see their own child being hurtful toward you, you may not get the compassion and support you're looking for.

Your religious or spiritual beliefs are supposed to help uplift and inspire you, not make you feel oppressed and exhausted. Religious abuse happens when people who claim to love you use your own beliefs against you to keep their power over you.

I get messages from those who are with someone who claims to have changed, but something doesn't feel right to them. What they feel is usually accurate. There are specific thoughts and feelings inside you that can help you tell if someone has actually changed and healed from being emotionally abusive, or if they still have a ways to go.

When you've realized enough is enough but you're afraid that the kids will get a boatload of abusive behavior from a soon to be ex, knowing what to expect and how to respond to what happens next is the key to trying to maintain the healthiest relationship with your children.

Why can't they just change? Why don't they just stop hurting you?

Sometimes they've built such a huge wall of protection around themselves that nothing can penetrate it. They keep doing what they're doing because they don't want you to see what's behind the wall. It's too vulnerable, and it might require them to express a part of themselves they've hidden away all their life.

The emotionally abusive relationship can be a battle. In fact, it can be a series of battles that wear you down and eventually wear you out. But at what point are you so worn out that you do something different? Some toxic relationships last for decades and there is no end in sight. There's a point in time when something has to change, or nothing ever will. And that can be a hard pill to swallow.

The person that hurts the one they love can do the behavior indefinitely unless someone is there to stop it. Usually, that someone has to be you. Stopping it however doesn't always come easy. Sometimes the person hurting you needs a wake-up call they can't ignore, shaking their foundation so much they have to pay attention.

Relationships can survive even when things are bad, but what about when things are never good but just functional? Is just functioning together good enough? Can you make it work?

Functioning together can make some of life easier, but not necessarily happier. I explore that topic today.

Why do we return to toxic people over and over again? It's certainly not because we love to suffer. But maybe there's more going on that should be considered. Sometimes knowing the reasons can help you stop the round trips back to someone that doesn't seem to care if you're happy or not.