Nope! We're Not Monogamous

By Ellecia PaineSociety & Culture Health & Fitness Education Self-Improvement Relationships Sexuality

Nope! We're Not Monogamous episodes

July 03, 2025You Don’t Have to Be the ‘Chill Poly Partner’ to Deserve Love, Ep. 117
Feeling like the “easy one” in your polycule?
Always chill, never the squeaky wheel?
This episode is your permission slip to stop shrinking for connection.
We’re breaking down what it means to disappear inside non-monogamy, why boundaries aren’t selfish, and how to recognize when your emotional self-silencing isn’t maturity—it’s survival.
👉 Topics covered:
What emotional self-abandonment looks like in Ethical Non Monogamy
How "being chill" becomes a trap
The difference between inclusion and being held
Real stories from non-monogamous clients + my own experience
Why you don’t need to squeak louder to get greased
The truth about interdependence vs codependence
💬 If you’ve been wondering:
“Why do I feel invisible in my relationship?”
“Am I bad at polyamory?”
“Do my needs even matter here?”
This conversation is for you.
🔔 Subscribe for more honest, nuanced, and no-BS conversations about ethical non-monogamy, boundaries, and becoming your whole self in love.
👇 Ready to take up space in your relationships?
Send us Fan Mail
Smells Like Humans
Like listening to funny friends discuss curious human behavior.
Listen on: Apple Podcasts Spotify
Support the show
📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237
28 min
June 19, 2025Why You’re Stuck in the Same Fight on Repeat (and How to Break the Loop) Ep. 116
Are you having the same fight over and over in your non-monogamous relationship—and wondering why nothing ever changes?
You’re not broken. You’re in a pattern. And until you understand what’s underneath that pattern, it’ll keep showing up again and again.
In this episode, we’re diving into trauma loops—how they form, why they’re especially common in non-monogamous relationships, and how to start breaking the cycle for good.
💥 Whether you're navigating jealousy, communication breakdowns, or emotional overwhelm, this episode will help you:
Spot the signs of a trauma loop
Understand how your subconscious is running the show
Use clarity as your North Star to shift patterns
Explore tools that regulate, reconnect, and reset your emotional responses
Learn why support accelerates healing—and how to find the right kind

Send us Fan Mail
Support the show
📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237
20 min
June 12, 2025 How to Say the Hard Thing Without Burning Everything Down, Ep. 115
You’re not broken. You just never learned how to say the hard thing without burning everything down.
In this episode, I’m sharing how to actually talk about the uncomfortable stuff in non-monogamy—without losing your shit or starting a relationship wildfire.
Whether you're afraid of hurting someone, scared to be misunderstood, or just tired of swallowing your truth, this is your starting point for braver, clearer communication.
What you’ll learn:
→ How to understand your silence survival pattern
→ The exact steps to prep for hard conversations
→ Why blurting is not the same as honesty
→ The “truth sandwich” that isn’t manipulative
→ How to handle defensiveness and emotional shutdowns
→ What to say when it all goes sideways (and why repair = magic)
You deserve relationships where the truth can live—and still be loved.
👇 Grab the free guide:
Let’s Talk About It: Your Guide to Ethically Non-Monogamous Conversations
[https://elleciapaine.podia.com/conversations]

Send us Fan Mail
Support the show
📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237
19 min
June 05, 2025Tantra, Throuples, and the Best Sex of Her Life at 65 with Xanet Pailet
What happens when you go from 26 years in a sexless marriage… to a full-blown sexual awakening in your 50s? This week, I’m joined by Xanet Pailet — a former healthcare lawyer turned tantra teacher, somatic sex coach, and the author of Living an Orgasmic Life.
We’re talking about:
How she went from disconnected and dissociated… to having the best sex of her life in her 60s
Why pleasure is your birthright (and what to do if that feels impossible right now)
Why communication matters more than rules — and what healthy sex agreements can actually look like
How trauma, disconnection, and shame keep people stuck in unsatisfying sex lives
Xanet’s year-long throuple experience (including a very helpful metamour 👀)
How to figure out what you want in non-monogamy, even if it’s not what your partner wants
What to do when pleasure feels really far away
If you’ve ever felt broken, stuck, or too late for good sex and real intimacy — this one is gonna hit. There’s so much wisdom here for midlife lovers, non-monogamous folks, and anyone healing their relationship to pleasure.
🔗 Links + Resources:
Get Xanet’s free gift: 10 Ways to Reignite Your Relationship
Book a private retreat with Xanet: passionateintimacyretreats.com
Follow us on Patreon for bonus content like “Just the Tip”: patreon.com/notmonogamous
🎧 Listen now and let yourself feel what’s possible.
Send us Fan Mail
Smells Like Humans
Like listening to funny friends discuss curious human behavior.
Listen on: Apple Podcasts Spotify
Support the show
📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237
45 min
May 29, 2025 Stop Compromising, Start Collaborating: A New Approach to Non-Monogamy Ep. 113
Tired of misunderstandings, silent resentment, or agreements that leave you feeling unseen?
In this episode, we unpack the real difference between collaboration and compromise—and how building intentional, values-based agreements in non-monogamy can transform your relationships.
💬 Because assuming = conflict waiting to happen.
💛 Collaboration = connection, clarity, and care.
What You’ll Learn:
✔️ Why Assumptions Create Emotional Landmines
And how to avoid them with clear, compassionate communication.
✔️ The Difference Between True Collaboration & Self-Sacrifice
Spoiler: Giving up what matters to you isn’t love—it’s burnout waiting to happen.
✔️ 5 Practical Steps to Create Solid Agreements
From identifying shared values to scheduling regular check-ins that actually work.
✔️ How Cultural Conditioning Shapes Our Agreements
Learn to spot and dismantle the “martyr mindset” many of us were raised with.
✔️ Real Stories, Real Struggles, Real Solutions
Hear personal and client experiences where agreement-making went wrong—and how they turned it around.
Whether you're just opening your relationship or years into non-monogamy…
This episode will give you tools to stop guessing, start asking, and co-create a love that honors everyone involved.
Send us Fan Mail
Support the show
📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237
18 min
May 22, 2025Why Self-Love Looks Different in Non-Monogamy (And Why You Can’t “Positive Vibes” Your Way Through Comparison)
Do you ever feel like you’re doing everything right in your open or polyamorous relationship—and yet still crumble inside the moment your partner connects with someone else?
In this honest and unfiltered episode, I explore what real self-love looks like in non-monogamous relationships—especially when comparison, jealousy, and insecurity hit hard.
🎙️We talk about:
Why affirmations fail when your body’s in panic mode
How comparison is actually a survival response
Patriarchal conditioning + why it fuels competition
What real self-love looks like when you feel triggered
How to support your nervous system when jealousy hits
“Self-love isn’t about perfection. It’s about staying with yourself when things feel messy.”
💜 Want to go deeper?
Join Beyond Compare—my 4-week group coaching program for non-monogamous women who are ready to stop spiraling and start feeling safe, confident, and grounded.
🕓 Starts May 28 | Early bird ends soon
👉 https://www.elleciapaine.com/compare
Send us Fan Mail
Support the show
📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237
21 min
May 15, 2025Love Beyond Boundaries: Jeff Hudson on Throuples, Jealousy & Non-Monogamy
What happens when a long-term couple invites a third person into their relationship—and it doesn’t go as planned?
In this raw and revealing episode, I sit down with six-time Emmy-nominated TV producer Jeff Hudson to talk about his memoir Deconstructing Us: My Trouble with a Throuple. Jeff shares what it was like to navigate the emotional rollercoaster of a throuple, how jealousy blindsided him, and why non-monogamy cracked him wide open—in the best and worst ways.
We explore:
Why three-person relationships are emotional rocket fuel
How jealousy shows up even when you're experienced in open relationships
The difference between love and compatibility
Identity shifts that come with loving outside the box
Why breakdowns in love can lead to breakthroughs in self-awareness
Whether you're polyam-curious, actively non-monogamous, or just fascinated by the complexity of modern love—this conversation will challenge and expand how you think about commitment, identity, and connection.
📘 Grab Jeff’s book: "Deconstructing Us: My Trouble with a Throuple", available now on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

Send us Fan Mail
Smells Like Humans
Like listening to funny friends discuss curious human behavior.
Listen on: Apple Podcasts Spotify
Support the show
📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237
56 min
May 08, 2025The Hidden Costs of Comparing Yourself to Your Metamour, Ep. 110
You know you’re enough—but the second your partner mentions her, the spiral starts.
Sound familiar?
In this honest, grounding episode, I break down the real costs of comparison in non-monogamous relationships—like the way it quietly erodes your presence, self-trust, and peace.
You’ll hear:
Why “knowing better” doesn’t stop the spiral
How patriarchy conditions us to compete—even in open dynamics
What comparison really steals from you
And the exact reframe and tools that help you come back to yourself
💭 “They’re not my rival. They’re a reflection of what’s possible.”
This episode is your invitation to stop shrinking and start showing up for yourself—even when the spiral hits.
Ready for deeper support?
Join Beyond Compare, my group coaching program for non-monogamous women.
We turn awareness into embodied confidence.
👉https://www.elleciapaine.com/compare
Send us Fan Mail
Support the show
📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237
17 min
May 01, 2025 Reframing Jealousy as a Powerful Tool in Open Relationships with Dr. Emma Smith
Navigating non-monogamy can stir up some BIG emotions—especially jealousy. But what if jealousy wasn’t something to fight against... but a tool for deeper connection?
In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Emma Smith, licensed professional counselor and certified sex therapist, to talk about:
✨ How to create emotional safety plans when opening a relationship
✨ The difference between healthy boundaries and rigid rules
✨ Why jealousy isn’t the enemy—and how it can guide your growth
✨ Tips for crafting relationship agreements that actually work for you
"Boundaries are about care, they're about safety. They are about being grounded in your love and respect for another person." — Dr. Emma Smith
If you're exploring non-monogamy (or just want stronger, healthier connections), this conversation is packed with real talk and practical strategies you’ll want to come back to.
🎧 Listen now and start rewriting the rules on love, safety, and emotional connection.
👉 Connect with Dr. Emma Smith https://www.instagram.com/emmasmithphd/
👉 Get the bonus "Just the Tip" from Dr. Emma by joining us on Patreon!
Send us Fan Mail
Smells Like Humans
Like listening to funny friends discuss curious human behavior.
Listen on: Apple Podcasts Spotify
Support the show
📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237
55 min
April 24, 2025Jealousy to Compersion: Communicating Through Emotions in Open Relationships with Ally Iseman
Ever wondered if you can learn to feel compersion instead of jealousy? Or if talking about opening up your relationship means you're actually ready to do it? This episode dives deep into these questions and more!
I'm joined by Ally Iseman, a certified relationship coach and founder of Passport to Pleasure. Ally brings her unique blend of humor, compassion, and practical tools to help couples navigate the complexities of non-monogamy.
In this episode, we explore:
Why "conversation is lubrication" and how to make it work for you
Reframing jealousy (even the hot kind!) as a tool for growth
The value of understanding consensual non-monogamy, regardless of your relationship style
Ally's step-by-step method for moving through jealousy
How to know if your relationship is truly ready to open up
Key Takeaways:
Compersion vs. Jealousy: Ally shares her personal journey from experiencing what she thought was jealousy to realizing it was actually compersion.
The NERD OUT Method: Learn Ally's unique technique for transforming jealousy into a mindful, growth-oriented experience.
Effective Communication: Discover the crucial difference between clear communication and effective communication in relationships.
Curiosity Over Conviction: Why approaching non-monogamy with genuine curiosity is more powerful than trying to convince your partner.
Whether you're actively practicing non-monogamy, considering it, or simply curious about different relationship styles, this conversation offers valuable insights for everyone. Ally's approach emphasizes personal growth, effective communication, and creating relationships that truly work for you – no matter what form they take.
Ready to explore if your relationship is prepared for non-monogamy? Take Ally's free Relationship Ratio quiz at www.passport2pleasure.com/ratio to get started on your journey.
And check out Ally's Substack https://allyiseman.substack.com/
Send us Fan Mail
Smells Like Humans
Like listening to funny friends discuss curious human behavior.
Listen on: Apple Podcasts Spotify
Support the show
📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website: https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237
44 min

About Nope! We're Not Monogamous

From the publisher's feed

Ellecia Paine is a non-monogamy relationship coach who helps people navigate ENM (Enthusiastic non-monogamy), polyamory, open relating, swinging, kink, tantra and life in general. Listen in to the…