Nope! We're Not Monogamous

Struggling with comparison in your non-monogamous relationship?

Whether it’s jealousy, insecurity, or spiraling thoughts when your partner mentions someone new—you’re not alone, and you’re not broken.

In this episode, we explore why comparison shows up in polyamory and non-monogamy, how it impacts your nervous system, and what you can do to stop the spiral and build emotional safety.

You’ll learn:

• Why comparison hits hard in non-monogamy (even when you “know better”)
• How internalized patriarchy and survival instincts fuel insecurity
• Grounding tools to manage triggers in real-time
• Daily practices to rebuild self-trust and self-worth
• How to reframe your value beyond your partner’s other connections

💛 Ready to reclaim your peace and confidence in non-monogamy?

Join the Beyond Compare confidence program waitlist here → https://elleciapaine.podia.com/beyondcompare

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Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

If you’ve ever struggled with mismatched desires, defining commitment with a partner, or navigating the messier side of non-monogamy — this episode is for you.

In this candid conversation, I talk with Dr. Tammy Nelson, sexologist, therapist, TEDx speaker, and author of Open Monogamy. With 35+ years of experience working with couples in both monogamous and open relationships, Tammy brings a nuanced lens to everything from sexual boredom and emotional disconnection to jealousy, relationship fatigue, and the evolving nature of commitment.

We explore:

• Why mismatched desires and “monogamy gaps” show up even in non-monogamy
• How open relationships can become more intimate — not less — when built on clarity
• Tools for navigating jealousy, initiating hard conversations, and honoring shifting needs
• The danger of jumping to a solution before naming the real problem
• Why fantasy, communication, and appreciation matter more than frequency or rules

🛠️ Relationship Tools You’ll Walk Away With:

• How to co-create a flexible relationship agreement (that actually works)
• A framework for checking in when needs or desires change
• What to say when your partner reacts with fear or defensiveness
• Why shared language (and revisiting your agreements) matters more than labels

Tammy’s insights offer a refreshing, non-shaming perspective for anyone doing the work of building relationships that actually fit. Whether you're deep in your ENM journey or just refining your agreements, there’s something in here for you.

Curious to learn more? Check out Dr. Tammy Nelson's book, "Open Monogamy: A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement," and visit her website at https://www.drtammynelson.com/ for additional resources and insights. Mention this episode to get her free download: 100 Questions for Your Monogamy Agreement

Send us Fan Mail

Listen on: Apple Podcasts   Spotify

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

When I was invited to interview someone from Ashley Madison, I hesitated. My first instinct was judgment — but then I realized, that’s the same kind of stigma people apply to non-monogamy all the time.

This powerful conversation with Paul Keable, Chief Strategy Officer at Ashley Madison, dives deep into the complex, often misunderstood world of infidelity, emotional disconnection, and unmet needs in long-term relationships.

🔍 This episode is NOT about promoting cheating — it’s about understanding why it happens.

🔑 What We Cover in This Episode:

💔 Why People Cheat:
The surprising (and often deeply emotional) reasons people seek connection outside their marriage — and it’s not always about sex.

🧠 Emotional vs. Physical Needs:
Paul shares data from Ashley Madison showing that over 60% of women on the platform report being in sexless or orgasm-less relationships, while many men are searching for emotional validation more than physical release.

📖 The Infidelity Education Gap:
How inadequate sex education and cultural silence around pleasure leave many people feeling unfulfilled and unable to communicate their needs.

❤️ Compassionate Affairs & the Grey Area of Cheating:
Can infidelity actually save a marriage? We explore the idea of "compassionate affairs" and what happens when people cheat because they don’t want to leave — they just want to feel alive again.

😶‍🌫️ Shame, Secrecy & Communication Breakdown:
How fear of judgment keeps people quiet — and how creating space for honest conversations can prevent betrayal before it happens.

🎧 Listen If You’re Curious About:

• Why infidelity happens — even in loving marriages
• How modern relationships are evolving
• The overlap between non-monogamy, cheating, and unspoken desires
• What it really takes to build lasting intimacy

👂 Whether you're monogamous, non-monogamous, or just asking bigger questions about love and desire — this episode is for you.

👍 Like, comment, and subscribe for more raw, real conversations about modern relationships, non-monogamy, and emotional truth.

🧡 Ready to explore your own desires with less shame and more clarity? Work with me at www.elleciapaine.com.

Send us Fan Mail

Listen on: Apple Podcasts   Spotify

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Struggling to feel deeply connected in your non-monogamous relationships? Whether you're navigating polyamory, open relationships, or casual connections, meaningful intimacy doesn’t have to take hours of deep conversations or elaborate date nights. In fact, it can start with just five minutes a day.

In this episode, I’m sharing five powerful yet simple practices from my Beyond Monogamy 4CNM Method that can help you build stronger, more intimate connections — no matter how complex your relationship landscape may be.

✨ Mindful Presence — Give your undivided attention for deeper connection.
✨ Mirrored Breathing — Sync your nervous systems to feel calm and close.
✨ Intentional Touch — Use non-sexual touch to foster warmth and trust.
✨ 5-Minute Check-Ins — Prevent disconnection with short, meaningful chats.
✨ Micro-Appreciations — Boost relationship resilience through daily gratitude.

Tune in now and discover how just 15 minutes a week can lead to 13 extra hours of intentional connection every year.

Want deeper insights? Visit www.elleciapaine.com to explore my Beyond Monogamy program.

Send us Fan Mail

Listen on: Apple Podcasts   Spotify

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

The dinner party where your partner's other partner shows up. The wedding where you're trying to explain your relationship structure to curious relatives. The community gathering where you're juggling attention between multiple partners.

Social events in non-monogamous relationships present unique challenges that most relationship advice completely ignores.

In this raw and practical episode, I sit down with Danny to unpack exactly how to navigate these complex situations with confidence. Drawing from our combined experiences, we share the strategies that actually work when theory meets reality.

What You'll Learn:

• Proven pre-event communication strategies that prevent misunderstandings
• Real-world techniques for managing jealousy when it hits unexpectedly
• How to balance attention between partners without keeping a mental scorecard
• Post-event reconnection rituals that strengthen all your relationships

Real Stories, Real Solutions

We don't just share theory - we open up about our own awkward moments, painful lessons, and eventual breakthroughs. From Danny's first swinger party anxiety to my own experience navigating family gatherings with multiple partners, we offer the kind of honest insights that only come from lived experience.

"The goal isn't to never feel uncomfortable," I explain. "It's to have tools to handle the discomfort when it inevitably shows up."

Communication is Key: We discuss why talking about your fears and expectations before an event can make all the difference. It's not just about setting rules in your non- monogamous relationships – it's about understanding each other's needs and concerns.

Navigating Different Dynamics: From swinger parties to polyamory gatherings, we explore how to handle various social situations with multiple partners. Learn how to balance attention and manage different relationship structures in public settings.

Building Confidence: Discover how each social event is an opportunity to grow more secure in your open relationships and yourself. We share personal stories of overcoming anxiety and building resilience.

Want the Non-Monogamy Card Game? Get your discount with coupon code NOPE10 https://www.thenonmonogamycardgame.com/products/the-game

Remember, feeling nervous about these situations is completely normal. The key is learning how to work through those feelings and create positive experiences for yourself and your partners.

Join us for an honest, sometimes humorous, and always insightful conversation about making the most of social events in your non-monogamous journey.

Send us Fan Mail

Listen on: Apple Podcasts   Spotify

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Have you ever felt like you're living someone else's version of a "good" relationship? That moment when you realize you've been checking boxes you never actually chose for yourself? I've been there, and it's time we talk about moving from relationship "shoulds" to relationship "coulds."

In this episode, I'm sharing my journey from living a picture-perfect life on the outside while hiding a painful reality behind closed doors. Together, we'll explore how to break free from inherited relationship scripts and create connections that truly honor who you are.

What You'll Discover:

• How to identify relationship "shoulds" that were installed in you like unwanted software
• Why giving yourself permission to want more isn't selfish—it's essential
• A step-by-step process for creating your authentic relationship vision
• Practical tools to transform your vision into living, breathing reality

Key Insights:

Uncovering Inherited Beliefs: I share how I felt threatened when my husband's girlfriend made him lunch - not because I wanted to make lunch, but because I'd absorbed the belief that "good partners feed their partners." We'll explore where these beliefs come from and how to choose which ones actually serve you.

The Desire Inventory: Learn how to conduct a judgment-free exploration of what you truly want in relationships, without apology or explanation.

Designing Your Authentic Relationship: Explore dimensions like power dynamics, attention needs, and personal boundaries to craft connections that energize rather than drain you.

Making It Real: Discover practical tools including "connection conversations" that focus on the quality of relationships rather than labels or hierarchy.

Remember: Your perfect relationship doesn't look like anyone else's - and that's exactly how it should be.

Resources Mentioned:

• Free Guide: "Let's Talk About It: Your Guide to Ethically Non-Monogamous Conversations"
• Book Reference: "Unbound" by Kasia Urbaniak
• Beyond Monogamy Program: elleciapaine.com

Join me as we challenge conventional notions of what relationships "should" be and explore the endless possibilities of what they "could" be. It's time to create connections that feel like coming home to yourself, not leaving yourself at the door.

Ready to dive deeper? Download my free guide, "Let's Talk About It: Your Guide to Ethically Non-Monogamous Conversations" at elleciapaine.com/conversations and start building the relationships that truly work for you.

Send us Fan Mail

Listen on: Apple Podcasts   Spotify

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Are you trying to navigate ethical non-monogamy through trial and error? In this episode I reveal why the DIY approach to non-monogamy often leads to unexpected emotional and relationship costs.

Episode Highlights: 

• Understanding the hidden costs of unsupported non-monogamy 

• Real stories from couples navigating ethical non-monogamy 

• Practical solutions for common non-monogamous relationship challenges 

• Expert strategies for building successful non-monogamous relationships

The Real Price of DIY Non-Monogamy

I break down five often-overlooked costs that can derail your non-monogamous journey:

1. Trust Bankruptcy: How small mistakes create lasting damage
2. Emotional Debt Spiral: The compound interest of unprocessed feelings
3. Community Isolation: Why going it alone increases risk
4. Time Lost to Recovery: The true cost of preventable mistakes
5. Relationship Wear and Tear: Understanding cumulative damage

Each of these can silently erode the foundation of your relationships, often before you even realize what's happening.

From Struggle to Success: Practical Solutions

But don't worry – I'm not just here to paint a gloomy picture. I offer three powerful steps you can take right now to protect your relationships and set yourself up for success in non-monogamy:

• Assess and build your support system
• Identify your knowledge gaps
• Create a relationship safety net

Plus, I share a bonus tip on establishing success metrics that most people overlook.

"Working with Ellecia gave me more clarity in eight weeks than I found in two years of trying to figure it out alone."

If you're tired of stumbling through the dark and ready to illuminate your path in non-monogamy, this episode is your beacon. Learn how to avoid costly mistakes, build a strong foundation, and create the fulfilling, authentic connections you've been seeking.

Ready to stop paying the hidden costs of DIY non-monogamy? Visit elleciapaine.com/call to book your clarity chat and discover how we can work together to transform your non-monogamous journey.

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

🎉100 episodes! Can you believe it? Three years ago, I was terrified to be on video, worried about getting it all "right." Now, this podcast has become a thriving space for deep, unfiltered conversations about non-monogamy—and it’s all thanks to you! 💜

To celebrate this milestone, I’m joined by Aly Moon, a polyamory community leader with 15+ years of non-monogamous experience and 7 years of hosting events in the Pacific Northwest. Aly is all about creating intentional, inclusive spaces where polyamorous folks can connect, learn, and grow together.  

 In this episode, we dive into:

✅ How Aly discovered her identity as an asexual relationship anarchist

✅ Finding & building polyamorous community (even if you’re new to it!)

✅ Kitchen table vs. parallel polyamory—what’s the real difference?

✅ Navigating cohabitation & co-parenting in a polycule

✅ The hidden financial perks of non-monogamous living

✅ Why serial dating is so common in polyamory—and what it means 

 💬 Aly’s Hot Take: "Monogamy in this economy? Are you kidding?" Aly shares how shared housing and polyamorous support networks offer real financial & emotional stability. 

  🌈 Live in the Pacific Northwest? Check out Poly Prom & other upcoming events at polypulse.events and meet your local polyam crew!  

 Listen now to get inspired & start building your own polyamorous support system!

✨ Special Episode 100 Celebration!

💜 I couldn’t have done this without you! Whether you’ve been here since day one or just joined, I’m so grateful for this community. Want more behind-the-scenes convos & bonus content? Join me on Patreon → www.patreon.com/notmonogamous 

💬 Comment below: What’s your biggest challenge in building polyamorous community?

  📢 Let’s Connect!

Send us Fan Mail

Listen on: Apple Podcasts   Spotify

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Feeling lost in non-monogamy? Struggling with unclear boundaries? Without clarity, your relationships can feel uncertain and chaotic. In this episode, I break down why clarity is EVERYTHING when it comes to thriving in open relationships. 

📌 In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

✅ How to define your North Star for relationship clarity

✅ The importance of non-negotiables & why they shape your boundaries

✅ How to break free from harmful relationship patterns

✅ Why shared goals are essential for relationship success

✅ How to set clear, actionable boundaries that actually work

Want deeper support? Join my 8-week group coaching program, Beyond Jealousy!

Get expert guidance on overcoming jealousy, setting boundaries, and building confidence in your non-monogamous relationships.

🔗 Sign up now → www.elleciapaine.com/jealousy (Spots are limited!)

Send us Fan Mail

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237

Are you navigating the emotional landscape of non-monogamy? In this episode, I chat with Lola Phoenix, author of "The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy", "The Non-monogamy Journal", and host of the "Non-Monogamy Help" podcast. We chat about the complexities of open relationships and how to build a toolkit for managing the intense emotions that often arise.

Key Insights:

• The importance of having a personal "anchor" in non-monogamous relationships
• Creating a self-care emergency protocol for challenging emotional moments
• Why traditional advice like "just go on a date night" might not always work
• How to approach STI discussions and boundaries in open relationships
• The value of community support in navigating non-monogamous lifestyles

We explore the concept of an "anchor" - a personal reason for choosing non-monogamy that goes beyond just keeping your current relationship intact. Lola explains why this is crucial for weathering the inevitable emotional storms that come with opening up a relationship.

A Peek Into the Episode:

"I think that anxiety is actually a pretty normal reaction for most people to their relationship opening. And I don't think that you necessarily have to be an anxious person to be super anxious when that's happening." ~Lola Phoenix

Lola challenges the notion that you can simply "research your way out of feelings" and offers practical advice for creating a self-care plan. We discuss the importance of writing down your strategies for managing difficult emotions, as your brain might not be in a learning state when you're feeling activated.

We also touch on the sometimes heartbreaking situations Lola encounters in their advice column, where non-monogamy isn't the real issue, but rather a symptom of deeper relationship problems.

Whether you're new to non-monogamy or a seasoned explorer, this conversation offers valuable perspectives on building healthier, more authentic relationships. Join us as we unpack the emotional complexities of open relationships and discover tools for creating more fulfilling connections.

Check out Lola's books and resources at nonmonogamyhelp.com, and stay tuned for their upcoming course on practical non-monogamy skills.

Send us Fan Mail

Listen on: Apple Podcasts   Spotify

Support the show

📰 Subscribe to Not A Monogamous Newsletter to stay up to date with new episodes and offerings from Ellecia. https://elleciapaine.podia.com/newsletter

❤️ Enjoying the show? The best way to thank us is by following and leaving a review or a note. And if you want more, join our Patreon! http://www.patreon.com/notmonogamous

👀 Find Us Online
🌍 Website:  https://www.elleciapaine.com
📘 Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elleciapaine
📸 Instagram:  https://www.instagram.com/elleciapaine/

Music: Composer/Author (CA): Oscar Lindstein
STIM IPI: 572 393 237