Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how an addict might be skirting the boundaries with his betrayed wife. Is flirtation seen as an active addiction, especially when the addict does it when his wife’s not around? The 1# thing addicts love is attention and/or admiration. So, they might be a little sneaky in how they get their fix.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:25] She says I ruined her life. Can I salvage this relationship?

[7:45] I don’t have a lot of money. Why is a CSAT necessary for my recovery?

[14:45] I’m acting out online with deep fetishes. Will it eventually escalate to in-person acting out?

[21:55] He says he just loves to flirt and that there’s nothing to worry about. If he’s handing out compliments to attractive women, is that considered “active” addiction?

[28:15] He keeps saying how he wants things to be back to normal. Is this some sort of sick joke?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about why someone might feel uncomfortable in recovery. A betrayed spouse was asked by her addict to join a couple’s support group, but after all the positive praise she was getting, he told to stop going. Dr. Rob and Tami break down how couple’s support groups can be a life-changing and positive experience for couples, but only if they embrace the not-so-comfortable parts of it. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[1:15] My addict asked me to join a couple’s support group, but after he saw all the support I was getting, he told me to stop going. What’s going on here? 

[9:00] My wife is having trouble believing I can change. How can I show her that I’m a different person? 

[18:25] How can I tell family and friends that we are over? 

[22:35] My husband went behind my back and thinks I’m overreacting. What should I do? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed spouse in her 50s. She has been a stay-at-home mother for 23 years and is having a tough time reconciling the ending of the relationship with her violent addict. Is the relationship really over despite a temporary restraining order? Can this be salvaged? Dr. Rob and Tami weigh in their thoughts during this horrible time. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[:25] How do I apologize to my children for being a bad parent? 

[2:45] How do you define recovery?

[8:35] Does sex addiction affect your memory? I swear I can’t remember certain things. 

[15:30] The label ‘addict’ was incredibly freeing for Tami because for the first time, it meant that there was hope. 

[17:05] Should I completely give up hope on my addict? Is it time to separate? 

[19:45] If you can’t do it for you, please leave your addict for the safety of your children. 

[22:00] Please continue to Keep your home peaceful! 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer listener questions about getting back together in sobriety, support for the betrayed wife, getting to know each other in recovery, taking your recovery seriously, and not asking forgiveness but making amends. Every lie resets the relationship to the beginning of betrayal. When is the right time for couples therapy?

TAKEAWAYS:

[:23] My SA husband’s one-year sobriety date is today. It’s also my one-year discovery date. He is in recovery. Where are couples at the one-year mark? Tami asks where the wife is as a betrayed partner.

[2:56] Discovery is trauma. What support have you had? Dr. Rob says about a year in is when you run into the relationship. Who are you without the issues of addiction?

[4:22] Married 36 years; in-house separated for two years. My husband is in recovery for six months. It’s hard to consider welcoming him back. Is it time? Dr. Rob says to date and get to know each other.

[6:56] Tami says to remember that you are different people than you were 36 years ago. Learning more about each other is going to be helpful.

[7:26] I bought porn video and left the ATM receipt on the shredder. My wife is upset and wants an explanation. Dr. Rob says when you lie, it takes your wife back to the beginning. Take your recovery seriously and leave your wife alone.

[11:36] Tami says at the ATM, ask your wife if it is OK to take money out for the slush fund. Don’t make excuses to yourself. Dr. Rob says it will never be muscle memory to do the right thing. Put a process between you and the ATM.

[15:58] My wife doesn’t know if she wants to try and rebuild. I joked with my sister in an email and my wife says I am not grieving enough because I’m able to joke. Tami recommends the Couples Healing from Betrayal workgroup on SeekingIntegrity.com.

[18:11] Dr. Rob points out that if you’re grieving anything, it’s being no longer able to get away with lies and acting out. Your spouse has been betrayed. She feels unsafe in the world and her home. Read Out of the Doghouse.

[21:32] Let your spouse her have her feelings and don’t question them. Tell her you understand her feelings because you caused them.

[21:45] My husband tells me not to call him a sex addict. He has only anger and resentment toward me. I mess up. Am I wasting time in couples therapy? Couples therapy will not help her. The wife is victimized. Read Prodependence for people living with sex addicts. Set boundaries and find safety.

[28:06] Dr. Rob adds to be honest with therapists. If they are not serving you, ask what they are doing. Tell them if it’s not the time for you. They will respect that.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami break down the gray area between just having fun, being “at-risk” for an addiction, and being a full-blown addict. It can be difficult to define the line fully when you’re in the middle of a “good time.” Dr. Rob offers various considerations for you to think about to determine whether you’re barely teetering the line or if you’re in a bad and unsustainable place.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:35] I believe my partner is a narcissist and a sex addict. He’s hurting me but I can’t seem to walk away. How can I just leave him?

[8:40] Have a three-circle plan! You need a healthy plan that will value you.

[10:50] Can you become addicted to friendships?

[15:50] My betrayed partner doesn’t believe me anymore, even when I’m telling her the truth. Do I just agree with her?

[22:30] Is there an in-between stage where someone can be between “at-risk” for an addiction vs. being a complete addict?

[26:55] Do I need to do yet another formal disclosure with my addict? We just don’t have the money for another therapist right now.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a betrayed partner about his wife’s recurring infidelity. What first begins as innocent text messages with a stranger quickly turn sexual for her. It’s a pattern that has repeated over and over. As he is trying to save the relationship, he wonders if this is all due to her traumatic and awful past where she was a victim of sexual abuse as a child. Dr. Rob clarifies on what might be going on with a female sex addict. 

TAKEAWAYS:

[:35] My wife goes through the same sexual infidelity patterns. Is this due to unresolved childhood sexual trauma? 

[8:45] When your wife acts out, what are some of the consequences that happen? 

[14:40] There is a men’s betrayed partner group that you can attend to get the support you need! 

[16:00] I told my children about my addiction. One of them is extremely Christian and disapproves. How do I heal the relationship with my children? 

[22:05] Focus on the work and let go of the outcome. It might not be possible to repair the relationship so soon after recovery. 

[22:55] Now that I am in recovery, I am finishing within minutes. This has never happened before. What’s going on? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from an addict who has also been betrayed by his spouse. They have both hurt each other with their addictions/infidelities, however, it seems unfair that he’s in treatment for his demons and she is running around scot-free. Dr. Rob and Tami explain how you can move forward and focus on your own recovery despite experiencing a betrayal from your partner.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:45] I’m absolutely DONE with my addict. I can’t move out yet, so what can I do for my own safety?

[5:00] I feel like I’m repressing my sexuality when I’m sober. Because of this, I can’t seem to be sober for long periods. How do I become healthy?

[8:50] Recovery is all about doing things; positive and good things for you.

[9:45] How can I communicate to my separated spouse that I’m on a good recovery path now?

[12:25] My SA is just not taking recovery seriously. How long does it take to stop messing up and get serious about this?

[18:20] My wife has had a sexual affair. I'm not innocent either, but I feel like I’m the punching bag in this whole situation. Why am I the bad guy here?

[21:50] My addict is just a mess. How can I safely disengage from all this pain?

[25:15] When does it make sense for me to go back to dating as an addict? 

[27:20] Is it common for terrible people to try and get “honorable” jobs to look good/better on the outside?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about the healing properties a journal practice can have. A listener wrote that her therapist wants her to journal out the resentment and anger that her SA has caused her, but the mere thought of doing this gets her re-triggered and angry all over again. Is there really a point to all of this aside from re-remembering the betrayal? 

TAKEAWAYS:

[:25] My SA husband’s entire family has suffered from some sort of sexual addiction or abuse. Is all of this hereditary? 

[8:30] How can intermittent reward cause or enhance relationship addiction? 

[16:15] What’s the point of writing my betrayal down? I feel so angry just thinking about it. 

[18:50] If you have a lot of anger inside you, a journal practice can be very healing. 

[19:45] My addict is weaseling out of our initial agreement. What should I do? 

[26:05] If you’re not doing the work, then it doesn’t matter what you say or do. 

[26:15] He’s sober but still can’t be intimate with me. He says he feels shame. Is this just an excuse? 

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about whether it makes sense for an addict to be put on a harm reduction treatment for sex addiction. A listener writes in wondering if he should completely stop or if reducing the impact and damage through harm reduction is a good starting point. Dr. Rob sets the record straight on what he thinks about harm reduction and honesty.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:45] My partner admitted he’s a liar and a cheater, but will not admit he’s an addict. He doesn’t “relate” to it. Will he ever be sober?

[5:20] How can someone not be co-dependent if they have no sense of self?

[12:30] I’m not ready to tell my family about his addiction, but I also feel like I’m hiding a big part of myself from them. How do I manage both worlds?

[15:50] How do I let go of old PTSD? I keep retraumatizing myself.

[20:05] My husband says all the right things but there’s no real empathy.

[25:20] I have been sober for a year, but I still use harm reduction techniques. Does this still count as sober?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Dr. Rob and Tami answer a question from a listener who is struggling to be a more empathetic person to their partner. Despite his best efforts, he can’t seem to be present and emotionally available for her. Is this because he has ADHD? Is he just broken? How can he fix this? Dr. Rob and Tami offer a more detailed insight into what might actually be going on.

TAKEAWAYS:

[:25] How do I build trust with myself again to pick better after dating a sex addict?

[2:35] Date them long enough to see if they have the ability to self-reflect.

[7:15] My empathy is broken. How do I change? [11:45] I found out my same-sex partner has been acting out with the opposite sex. Is it because her needs just aren’t being met or is this addiction?

[18:25] I think I’m addicted to him, but I’ve read that you can’t be addicted to a person. How do you explain this?

[20:15] What are sex addicts actually addicted to?

[28:15] Is there a rough draft of what healthy boundaries look like?

[30:15] Dr. Rob offers some examples of what a boundary would look like with an addict.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: [email protected]

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss