Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

In this episode, Mark and Steve openly address a common issue they faced in their own recoveries, and one they see often with their clients—"Can I ever go back to porn?" 

What this means to most men in recovery is—"Can I ever just live like a 'normal' guy?" Do I have to do this "recovery stuff" the rest of my life?!  What about masturbation, provocative movies and entertainment, certain sexual practices? What are the boundaries and can these change after I have a period of sobriety?

And VERY importantly--HOW does this whole train of thought and questions affect a spouse suffering from betrayal trauma? What boundaries can and should she expect and enforce?

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's a great article on the "Brain Science" behind porn and sex addiction—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/brain-science-porn-sex-addiction

Here's an article about healing Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

Want to learn more about HOW to break free from porn?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

Wondering if your marriage can survive porn and sex addiction? This article will give you some hope—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

In this episode, Mark and Steve give listeners a window into what they've learned from their own recoveries and what they've experienced over many years as therapists.

What DOES it take to truly succeed in your recovery and healing efforts?


Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's a great article on the "Brain Science" behind porn and sex addiction—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/brain-science-porn-sex-addiction

Here's an article about healing Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

Want to learn more about HOW to break free from porn?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

Wondering if your marriage can survive porn and sex addiction? This article will give you some hope—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

When a couple is working together through addiction recovery and healing betrayal trauma, it can be VERY difficult to understand the differences between a "Relapse" and a "Slip." 

In this episode, Mark and Steve discuss WHY there should be separate definitions for a "Slip" and for a "Relapse"—why the distinction at all?

How can a couple navigate the differences and use these definitions to aid in effective recovery, promote healing and increase connection?


Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's a great article on the "Brain Science" behind porn and sex addiction—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/brain-science-porn-sex-addiction

Here's an article about healing Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

Want to learn more about HOW to break free from porn?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

Wondering if your marriage can survive porn and sex addiction? This article will give you some hope—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

In this episode, Mark and Steve address a PBSE listener's heart-felt dilemma. After discovering her spouse's addiction to porn and feeling the intense betrayal, she was justifiably angry, hurt and numb. Here's how she expressed it—

"It breaks my heart that I have these feelings for someone I love so much. It makes me angry with myself and him. All the years of lies have just turned me somewhat cold. I don't want to be bitter. How can I get back to a place of empathy and compassion?"

In this episode, Mark and Steve talk real about HOW to navigate the line between "loving" an addicted spouse and "trusting" him.

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's a great article on the "Brain Science" behind porn and sex addiction—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/brain-science-porn-sex-addiction

Here's an article about healing Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

Want to learn more about HOW to break free from porn?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

Wondering if your marriage can survive porn and sex addiction? This article will give you some hope—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

In this episode, Mark and Steve address a questions submitted by a listener—

"Can you discuss the dynamic of being the spouse of an addict who is not a believer? In my marriage there has been sexual addiction and he is 2 1/2 years into recovery/sobriety but we are now dealing with the dynamic of a sexless marriage. How can we make the transition to a healthy sexual connection void of a spiritual connection?"

First, we need to be clear about what "healthy sex" is and is not. (for a deeper dive on this, see PBSE episode #23: Healthy vs. Toxic Sex)

-  Healthy sex begins with a strong emotional/spiritual connection. It's all about "what you bring with you."

-  Seeking to understand and then to be understood.

-  Focus/appreciation on your partner as a "whole" as opposed to selective "parts."

-  Physical intimacy is a gauged physical expression of a point on the Connection Spectrum.

Second, we also need to be clear about "Spirituality" vs. "Religiosity."

-  Religion is an institution/organization of spiritual concepts, doctrines, structure, ordinances, core tenets, etc. Spirituality is the "relationship accompaniment" to religion. Religion gives me a definition of God; Spirituality is coming to know and communing with God.

-  Healthy Sexual Intimacy is a coming together of physical bodies AND spiritual bodies. A key to a truly connection relationship is finding the "commonalities" and "intersection" of our individual spiritual beliefs/worlds. A true coming together.


Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's a great article on the "Brain Science" behind porn and sex addiction—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/brain-science-porn-sex-addiction

Here's an article about healing Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

Want to learn more about HOW to break free from porn?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

Wondering if your marriage can survive porn and sex addiction? This article will give you some hope—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

In this episode, Mark and Steve address some very poignant questions submitted by a listener:

"What do you do when the proof is in the pudding that your partner is a sexual addict but they refuse to acknowledge it?I asked him for a separation at the beginning of Dec hoping that would shake him up a bit …  He has agreed to couples counseling but is "offended" at my suggestion that he has a sex addiction. There have been many discoveries over our 17 years. Is there a way to help him see or are we a lost cause?"

-  We have NO control over (and must surrender) another's feelings, even our partner's.

-  We tell the truth at any cost!

-  The focus in true Intimacy is on Authenticity, NOT on preserving/protecting/enabling unacceptable behaviors.

-  LOVE cannot be LOVE if it is robbed of truth!

-  FEAR can derail authenticity.

-  We CAN help a spouse "see" the reality of their addiction, BUT we cannot force them to recognize it. We can be consistent and bold with boundaries and consequences. We can "hold up a mirror." And, we can love him or her enough to let them be uncomfortable.

-  How to use "outside voices" and "other messengers" to help an addict spouse come to a place of vulnerability, acceptance and accountability.

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's a great article on the "Brain Science" behind porn and sex addiction—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/brain-science-porn-sex-addiction

Here's an article about healing Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

Want to learn more about HOW to break free from porn?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

Wondering if your marriage can survive porn and sex addiction? This article will give you some hope—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

In this episode, Mark and Steve address a recent question by a listener—a very honest, legitimate, excellent question—

"Hi there, my recovering spouse and I LOVE your podcasts.  it has brought us closer through sharing our thoughts on episodes. One thing I would love to hear your take on as a betrayed spouse is how on earth do you as an addict keep those images and thoughts of porn and past sexual encounters out of your head on a daily basis? I would think it would be really easy to "reminisce" and have no one be the wiser. "

How can a recovering addict and a healing spouse DEAL with his inevitable sexual thoughts and fantasies in a HEALTHY WAY?


Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's a great article on the "Brain Science" behind porn and sex addiction—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/brain-science-porn-sex-addiction

Here's an article about healing Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

Want to learn more about HOW to break free from porn?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

Wondering if your marriage can survive porn and sex addiction? This article will give you some hope—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

In this episode, Mark and Steve talk raw and open about an extremely destructive behavior that porn addicts engage in with their partners—GASLIGHTING!

Mark and Steve talk about their own gaslighting and narcissistic tendencies during their dark addiction years. And they also share WHY there is GREAT HOPE even in marriage relationships where gaslighting is currently going on.

-  What are the underlying causes of gaslighting--WHY do so many porn addicts engage in this behavior?

-  What is the "neuroscience" behind gaslighting?

-  How can an addict get honest about his gaslighting and break free of it, moving instead into a habit of absolute honesty?

-  Why is there great HOPE for your marriage?


Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's a great article that will help you determine if your partner is Gaslighting you—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/is-a-porn-addict-gaslighting-you

Here's an article about healing Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

Want to learn more about HOW to break free from porn?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

Wondering if your marriage can survive porn and sex addiction? This article will give you some hope—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

In this episode Mark and Steve speak openly about what it took for them to get to the rock bottom place where they were ready to start down the path of real change. They also acknowledge that everyone is different--"it takes what it takes."
Learn how YOU can come to the place where you're ready to take solid, deliberate steps onto the path of breaking free from addiction and healing from betrayal trauma.

Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about healing Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

Want to learn more about HOW to break free from porn?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

Wondering if your marriage can survive porn and sex addiction? This article will give you some hope—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

How can you "heal" your marriage relationship?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/how-to-mend-your-marriage

It has been said, "We are only as sick as our secrets."  Another way of coming at this would be: "Living in secrecy keeps our addiction alive."

In this episode Mark and Steve share their own past personal struggles with authenticity and transparency. And, they answer some common questions—

-  WHY is it so terrifying to allow others to truly "see us" just as we are on the inside without the outside facade of masks, personas, guardedness, acting, story-telling, half-truths, selective disclosure, etc.?

-  WHERE does this FEAR of being seen come from? What are its origins?

-  HOW does the lack of authenticity and transparency FEED addiction and keep us trapped?

-  WHAT are the initial, simple STEPS for daring to come out of secrecy and hiding to finally BE SEEN?



Find out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension Counseling

Learn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's an article about healing Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video

Want to learn more about HOW to break free from porn?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction

Wondering if your marriage can survive porn and sex addiction? This article will give you some hope—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/can-marriage-survive-porn

How can you "heal" your marriage relationship?—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/how-to-mend-your-marriage